Attachment Test 2 - Multiple Relationships

This one is more comprehensive; it covers mother, father, friend, and partner.

http://www.yourpersonality.net/relstructures/

The results are more detailed and interesting:

Well that was a strange experience. So still securely attached to my partner (good to know). Fearful of mother, and dismissive of dad. No real answer for best friends, since I don't have one, unless partner counts. But my over all style is preoccupied. So I have a dot in every box???

Also how does my mother count as important person in my life if she abandon me?? Of course i don't trust her. She left, duh! And what are you supposed to do if you have same sex parents?

Well I really don't know what to make of any of this, guess I'll just see what other people get.

Globally dismissive is the phrase it used to describe my scores.

This actually made more sense to me... dismissive of partner and both parents, and preoccupied with regards to best friend (confiding relatively much in the person and constantly worrying that he doesn't really like me - bingo.) My global score was fearful, but I think that can be disregarded - that's just a result of the statistical method, not something that actually came out of my answers, I think.

I do wish they would come up with neutral terms rather than positively (secure) and negatively (avoidant, dismissive, fearful, preoccupied) loaded ones.

[edited to add: Thanks for posting these tests!]

Based on the ratings your made for close others in general, your global attachment style is fearful. Research on attachment styles indicates that fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or a lack of confidence.. Your general anxiety score was 5.67 and your general avoidance score was 5.83 (on a scale ranging from 1=low to 7=high)

Another fearful style. All 4 of my dots were in the fearful box. It was an interesting read!

Ah, right, the global score where I scored "fearful" was based on the first set of responses, it wasn't an aggregate of all responses. That's interesting, that my global style is different from all my specific styles. For me, it is not mistrust as such, just a matter of avoiding emotional closeness for my own sake and for the sake of those around me. To be clear, I am not saying that this is how anybody else should reason in their attachments, it is just my own observation of how things are for me.

These words do have specific meanings in this context; they are not there to indicate like morally good. I see it more like a positively or negatively charged ion - the positively charged ones will attach, the negatively charged ones will not. Or like magnets. Or else its just proof of Tolstoys maxim - happy families are all alike; unhappy families different?

once again I fell in the fearful range

I got the same, all 4 of my dots were in the fearful box too xx

Came out secure again.

Mother: Anxiety Score 1.00/Avoidance Score 4.00
Father: Anxiety Score 1.00/Avoidance Score 4.17
Romantic Partner: Anxiety Score 6.00/Avoidance Score 1.17
Best Friend: Anxiety Score 1.00/Avoidance Score 1.33

I found this test to be quite accurate, I am not anxious about my relationships with my parents, but at the same time I don't really feel comfortable opening up to them.

As far as romantic relationships go, I am very anxious when I am in a relationship, but I am very open and trusting towards that person.

Best friend is definitely the healthiest score here and seems about right since I don't really worry about our friendship and I tend to be very open with them.

Good point re specific meanings (and I like the chemistry simile!) I don't quite get your Tolstovian point, though.

I do not think that any one of the four styles is inherently bad or unhealthy, and I don't think that the secure style seems inherently better than any of the other three. It all depends on the context we live in, and on the people we are in various different relationships with, right?

Just that they identify one secure attachment style - corresponding to happy families are all alike - but the ways we DON'T attach are different. It was really interesting for me to read Wallin on attachment. They ie John Bowlby started out with a smaller number of insecure attachment styles, and have gradually identified a couple more. I mean, this is one part of psychology where a woman got involved and said lets actually watch women with their babies - it wasnt all Freud writing stuff out of his head in his office on coke - not to be disrespectful or anything

Well, my results on this one put me solidly in the dismissive category for two types of relationships (my mother and my H), and in the secure area for my dad and my best friend. I am in the faaaaaaar left upper corner with my mother, and much closer to the middle with H. I think the stuff with my dad may be a bit misleading because I didn't FEAR he didn't care as much as about, I just KNEW he didn't. I wonder if that affects the result.

And again, i'm preoccupied...with a general anxiety score of 6.33/7 and a general avoidance score of 3.50/7.

- Mother: dismissive, not surprising since she was emotionally neglectful and very misattuned to my needs
- Father: fearful, also not surprising because he was physically and emotionally abusive, as well as neglectful
- Both best friend and romantic relationship: preoccupied, not surprising because I am often afraid I will be abandoned or harmed by them

Basically, I can form every type of attachment other than secure. No wonder I am miserable.

You're right in that certain attachment styles helped us when we developed them, but the problem is that when we become free from abusive or dysfunctional relationships, we still tend to use those old default patterns, and they become hindrances to positive, healthy relationships. That's why it's important to know them and to know what is healthy in a normal, non-abusive/dysfunctional relationship.

Oh your pattern seems similar to mine. That was helpful just to read. When I got done with test I was so confused cause I had a mark in all the boxes. I also have neglectful/abandoning parents, and global preoccupied style (maybe some relationship ?). But I guess with a lot of hard worked I've formed a secure attachment with SO. So yay for that.

Interesting. I wonder if it changes depending on what mood you're in when you complete it? This is mine... high anxiety and high avoidance & fearful. The parental relationships don't surprise me but I thought I was more secure in my relationship... perhaps I'm avoiding the reality! My relationship with my best friend definitely mirrors my relationship with my mom.

Based on the ratings your made for close others in general, your global attachment style is fearful. Research on attachment styles indicates that fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or a lack of confidence.. Your general anxiety score was 6.67 and your general avoidance score was 6.17 (on a scale ranging from 1=low to 7=high).

Name Anxiety Score Avoidance Score
your mother or mother-like figure 4.33 4.33
your father or father-like figure 5.33 6.83
your romantic partner 6.33 3.83
your best friend 4.33 3.83

My style with both mom and dad is Fearful.
With partner, Secure.
I substituted my t for "best friend.
With t, Preoccupied.

Overall style, Fearful

For those who have a "secure" attachment to your SO/partner, how did you get that? Was it just slowly formed over time? Did you have to deal with being either preoccupied or dismissive for a while before you developed the secure attachment? Did the commitment in the relationship help (marriage or exclusive long-term commitment)? For those who also had an insecure (fearful, preoccupied, or dismissive) attachment to your best friend, what's the difference between your SO/partner and your best friend? Why are you securely attached to one and insecurely attached to the other?

But this seems to argue that some of the attachment types in the model presented are inherently unhealthy or dysfunctional. I do not agree that that is necessarily the case. I am sure there are unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships of all four types, as well as healthy and functional ones. There are simply too many factors that are not taken into account in the model. I mean, I have been in a relationship for 20 years, and it's moved from "preoccupied" to "dismissive" according to this model. So clearly neither one of those two categories is necessarily dysfunctional.

I guess they look at what is "ideal" or "most conductive to emotional growth". People who have dismissive, preoccupied, or fearful styles tend to have higher rates of mental health problems and inter relational problems. They report more loneliness or fear surrounding their relationships. I assume some are okay with certain insecure patterns, though, as you seem to be. But I would wonder (I don't know you so I don't know if this is true for you), if someone is only comfortable with it because it's familiar and known, not because it's most healthy or makes them most happy.

When I took the test, my attachment toward my H was on the dismissive side, but toward the middle. My attachment to my H just slowly formed over time. It started out as very dismissive/avoidant and moved to preoccupied. Once I let myself love him, I was really afraid he would leave. When I thought he didn't love me, it swung back to dismissive. Now that we are getting back on track, it is moving more toward the 'secure' section of the graph.

This test indicated I was securely attached to my best friend. I do not have fears she will leave me or judge me harshly. I think the big difference is that she has shown she does have my back in a way almost no one else has ever done. Certainly my H has demonstrated that he does NOT have my back and probably never will. I think that will always cause me to be slightly dismissive in the relationship with him.

I showed fearful twice and dismissive once, I really didn't know how to answer the mum questions as my mum died so I just thought of my cousin.

your mother or mother-like figure Anxiety 3.6 Avoidance 6.00

your father or father-like figure Anxiety 1.00 Avoidance 6.83

your romantic partner Anxiety 6.33 Avoidance 4.17

your best friend Anxiety 5.67 Avoidance 5.50