[JaneC]

Hi, I hope that some people could help me to understand what my T means perhaps and may have some insight into why I feel like I do about it? Maybe you have experienced similar?

Today my T talked to me about doing active work with the parts of me. (Minor freak out internally when he said this). He said that I have parts of myself that are clearly acting to protect the authentic me from any more emotional hurt. He asked me if sometimes I feel like I am not myself when the "super competent part" or the "critical bully part" show up, or do I feel lost completely when the "emotional hurt child part" now begins to surface.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS TALK!!! And I told my T so. I told him I am a whole person and would prefer to talk about myself that way. Yep I got a little angry, and expressed this to him. He reassured me that he does not mean that there are different people in me, but rather different parts of myself that need to become one again.

He also began talking about how he wants me to "actively work" with these parts, in fact he asked my permission for us to begin working on this.

I don't know, I became very overwhelmed and tearful and blurted out something along the lines of......but you are asking me to give up everything that has kept me safe for soo long now, I don't know how to do this. (Typing this just now I began to cry and have body shivers, what is that?)

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can anyone help me with some suggestions please as to how or what this means on a deeper level? And how they have worked through this sort of approach?

There was so much else going on in the session today also and it has left me feeling.....actually I'm struggling to figure out what I am feeling. Maybe lots of things, and confused, scared, angry are just some of them. AAArrggggghhhhh!

[someone321]

Oh yes, I can absolutely relate... I guess, I posted a similar thread few days ago when I wrote that my T started talking to me about me in 3rd person Because my T also talks about different parts of me and wants even to "talk" to them
And I hate it, I always say that I am only one and my T always has to agree that I am one but there are many parts in me And okay, I can agree with it till a certain degree that sometimes I am very defensive even when I don't want to, or for instance when my T asks how I am doing and I say "good" while a part of me wants to scream So for sure human brain is complicated enough to have different feelings at the same time which together create our personality...
Unfortunately I do not have any good advice for you but I've negotiated with my T that she won't talk to me about me or ask direct questions to any of my part separately but that she can ask what all my feeling/thoughts about something are, if I have any inner conflicts about something etc... This I can stand somehow

[JaneC]

Yes...it is really uncomfortable. I do get that I have times that I respond differently and seem to experience different types of emotions.....heck I responded to my T in an angry "don't be ridiculous" manner, which he said was that part trying to protect it's position of defending me. I suppose I understand what he means.....but like you someone321, I would prefer to talk about the thoughts and emotions 'I' am having. I think it is part of ACT, to label those voices that we have in our heads and acknowledge them or some BS(haha) so that we can move on from them.

I am terrified, quite literally, of having to let my real vulnerable hurt scared emotions out....it is soo risky and I do feel lost become easily overwhelmed when this happens. I guess if my T wants to call it the 'child part of you' I could let him? I just don't understand why I have such a huge reaction to the whole approach.

I want to be my authentic self, and if being all 'seperate' like this stops it, then I ought to be aiming to change that right? So why, why do I just wanted to run as fast as I can in the other direction?

[someone321]

I wish I knew why... But when you only mentioned "child part of you" it already freaked me out a bit My T already knows that she should avoid words like "inner world" or "inner child" I am not a child anymore!
Thus, I also understand that there really might be different parts of one person and under some circumstances I still might behave like a child (or rather just childish) but when i only hear about it it's like "brrrrrr"(I do not know actually if in English you use "brrrr" to express that you are freezing or have chills). Thus, I also have a strong reaction to these simple words and I guess that we both could find a reasonable explanation for our behavior; however, it still wouldn't change much, right? One think is what we (or at least I) think and understand and another think is what we feel (if anything of course)...

[PeeJay]

JaneC,

The language of parts is just that -- language.

We use this language all the time in less scary contexts than therapy. For example, "Part of me wants to exercise but part of me wants to lay on the couch."

Or, "Part of me feels bad for her but part of me is angry that she takes it out on her friends."

A user named silverleaf asked a similar question recently.

This was part of my response:

I'm doing lifespan integration therapy right now to integrate all my parts from different ages. It's weird at first, but I think that the vocabulary of parts helps me to talk about all the conflicting feelings and emotions I have about how my life has turned out.

The problem is that I could turn off whole parts of myself depending on the situation. Sometimes, I even went through life in a dreamlike state where a competent, cheerful version of me took over and the brooding sad me was stuck inside.

It's all sort of weird, but it has helped me tremendously.

I feel more my whole self now than ever. And, I feel more in control over my parts. Meaning, I can choose which part shows up and takes over at which time.

It's not multiple personality disorder, or dissociative identity disorder, because EVERYONE has parts. The problem is only when these parts are so different and are causing troubles for you.

For example, I had random crying episodes that I could not control. So then the competent part of me started internally talking so negatively to the crying part of me. "Why are you crying? You're so weak. You're so stupid!"

I learned that critical voice was just trying to protect me from pain.

But now, I've learned that my core self can soothe the crying part of myself, and I can have self compassion, while the critical voice can stand down and let go a little bit so that I am not practicing so much self hatred.

The crying, wounded part is trapped in a prior time.

In terms of the science behind it, I think that everything about parts is really just a language with which to talk about how we can have internal conflicts. And also, if you have an automatic anxiety response to stimuli (which I do with PTSD from abuse), then talking about parts gives you a tool to soothe the part of you that is stuck.

....

I've actually done the lifespan integration exercise now. It was powerful. I haven't written about it much on these forums because it was so deep. But, I do like how I am rescuing myself and seeing how other good people in my life have contributed to my story.

This helps me to not feel like it is the therapist who is so important. The therapist is a guide but I'm realizing that my life won't be shattered when therapy is over.

Good luck. I know it is weird.

I got angry and embarrassed when my T first brought up parts. But then, I realize that the critic in me got exposed. And it needed to get exposed (again, I know, SO WEIRD), because then it would shut up and stop talking so meanly to me. (Again, I feel crazy typing this but I'm a normal functioning adult and parent.) It took me almost a year to get comfortable enough with the therapist to even entertain these ideas.

[brillskep]

There really is a lot going on, you're overwhelmed and your therapist understands, I'm sure. I think your anger is part of your therapeutic process and it's okay to feel and express it. Your therapist asking for permission to do this is a good sign - it means he's willing to take it slower if you're not ready or have a different approach if you need to.

The way he wants to work in no way whatsoever implies that you are not whole. In fact, working with the different parts was originally a technique in gestalt therapy, which promotes the idea of the person as a whole. The point of these parts is that we all have different aspects to ourselves and they don't always go together well. Such as having both positive and negative feelings about something. They're both aspects of reality but we need to work to accept that they're both true. But the very theory takes into account the person as a whole. Now I'm not sure if this is any relief to you, just thought I'd mention it in case it helps.

You are very intuitive and entirely right that these things have been protecting you for a very, very long time. Therapy comes in when they're beginning to become more of a blockage than a help. I know how hard it is and these things may even seem like they're no different from your self, it can feel dangerous. If you're not ready, you could just tell your therapist that. Or you could work out together a way to do it gradually or in some way that won't feel as threatening.

In my case, when something felt threatening to me in my therapy (for different reasons), I told my therapist about my fears, talked about the process more than the content to start with, and worked with a lot of art-therapy techniques. There are many alternatives, depending on your therapist's style too. Good luck!

[Leah123]

I can empathize with the discomfort around "parts" work. I think feeling conflicted is part of being human, as someone mentioned when they commented about wanting to rest on the couch and wanting to get some work done. I don't like to analyze myself into parts further than that. I'm a person who may have competing desires from time to time (oooh I want to have an ice cream, but no I don't want to have to work it off later haha, which applies to more serious issues equally well) and I've found it most helpful in therapy to not use that approach.

I've found that self-awareness, understanding my motivations and coming to peace with things that trouble me and finding solutions to problems doesn't require that type of dissection or labeling as I had some prior experiences with it that gave it a negative connotation that wasn't helpful to me.

My therapist has always been willing to offer me alternatives and respect my wishes: there are many ways to look at and heal defensiveness and other coping strategies.

Hope you feel supported and in-control as you do it. The work's hard enough already.

[rainbow8]

PeeJay explained the concept of parts much better than I could. My T used to use the internal family systems model with me. She explained that we all have different parts of our personalities and the goal is for our Self to lead the parts in harmony. I loved the concept once I understood it. It was helpful for me to express what the part felt or needed. I liked when my T asked how SHE felt, and I liked talking in the 3rd person!

I suggest trying this method but you have the right to tell your T if you just can't do it. She's not going to force you to work in a way that is intolerable for you! Tell her what you feel and think about the parts concept and maybe she can reassure you, or use a different approach. I'm sorry it's upsetting you so much.

[healingme4me]

I see it, as being in touch in the here and now, that there's situations and people that will trigger feelings from the past. And if not in tune with what makes us tick and tock, we are prone to overreactions. Anger, especially, when an overreaction, can damage present relationships, in all areas of our lives.

Addressing this, brings a clearer overall understanding about why some things bother us more than others, especially when others around us, seem unaffected in same manner.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[JaneC]

Thanks so much for the replies, I really want to comment further but need to dash off. It's Saturday morning and I have to get my boy ready for football/soccer. Brr its a cold wintr morning. (Yep someone we do say brrr)

[Freewilled]

I've been talking about "parts" of me since very early on in therapy....it seemed to come natural. I actually find it easier to do so but my T doesn't go there often. He just recently started to ask me to speak from them more so I dunno....I think we all have parts of ourselves though. Mine might be a bit more well defined than some or maybe not (?) idk....my T talks of integration.

[blur]

hi jane. i totally get that parts work sounds really weird. i knew about the inner child but when i read there were inner children, and we all have them, i freaked out at first thinking does that mean i have dissociative identity disorder (DID). nah, just inner children. it's like freud's concept of the id, ego and superego but more detailed and complex. if the whole concept of parts work is too weird for you don't worry about doing it and that is okay. but, i think it is common to find it "out there" but once a person understands more about it it isn't so threatening. so, i think it's good to learn a little more about it before deciding whether to try it or not.

having parts reminds me of our physical bodies. we have one physical body with many organs. the liver doesn't do what the heart does and the heart doesn't do what the brain does. it's similar in our psyches. we are only one whole self but that self can have parts inside it. while in our physical bodies our organs will always remain connected but separate in parts work i prefer the idea of integration of all the parts (helping them all become one). some Ts, like rainbow8 mentioned, just work to harmonize the parts but don't focus on integrating them. there the parts are separate but work in concert, like an orchestra. so, there are different theories even with Ts who do parts work. some go for integration and some just for harmonizing the parts but not integrating them.

for me, i know i have a part of me that loves to sabotage my goals. i'll stay up way too late and eat really poorly, so i'm too exhausted to do what i had intended to the next day. so, one part of me wants to accomplish my goals but another part of me sabotages me. why does that part exist? because i've had a lot of disappointing experiences in the past where my goals didn't work out and this sabotaging part is trying to prevent me from experiencing that disappointment again. it means well but that part is holding me back.

here is a good intro to what it is all about.

@someone321 i think you were the one who mentioned on your thread that having parts would be like having schizophrenia but that isn't the case at all. schizophrenia is actually quite different from this process. so, that is one less thing to worry about.

[JaneC]

Now that I've had time to step back form my intense emotion of fear that came up when my T talked about this I can see more clearly. Lol...no surprises right?

I do understand that we all have different parts and so much of what you all said really resonates with me. I think what made me feel so weird, and always has since my T very first mentioned it, is when he speaks about the hurt scared child inside of me. I just struggle so much to allow that part of me to come to the surface, to expose that terrified part of me that holds all of the hurt. It feels so intensely risky. Even now, after 15 months with this T, he seems somewhat surprised to know that my deepest fear still is that he will leave me, he will exit me from the service before I am ready. I guess that is the child, still terrified?

I am now quite familiar with the rebellious teen voice that I speak with at times, yesterday in fact I told my T that I wanted to tell him to F right off when he spoke about the parts.....he laughed loudly as did I. I think that what also worries me is how this work is supposed to happen, and how will I ever feel either balanced or 'integrated'? And how long this will take? I always feel like I am time limited and that things are not happening quickly enough....my T says that he feels the pressure, even said that we maybe put too much pressure on each other. Ugh!

Blur, thanks for the link, I'll go and read it tonight once my boy is in bed. Everyone else, I really do appreciate the honest and open replies, this really helps me.

Please, I hope this offends no one because I am referring to myself only......but this sort of understanding of myself, all the parts, makes me feel even more nuts than I am!

[JaneC]

Blur...thank you for the link. Really informative. But gosh did I have some intense responses while reading it. From feeling nauseous, to lightheaded, to chills, to tears, to anger, to fear, shame, to ........... all the things that I like to avoid but know I need to face.

I think I need my T to slow the heck down and explain what he is referring to and how he thinks it would help me, and if it fits then how he and I are going to work through this. Somehow, this feels more scary than facing EMDR or exposure therapy or ACT to wok through the trauma.

I am glad I asked the question here and thankful for all of the replies, and that link.

No one said this was going to be easy huh?

[blur]

oh, i'm so sorry you are having such an intense reaction to the article. it does sound like you need to take it really slowly with this, if it is in fact the right approach for you. it's okay if it isn't, but i'm glad the article was helpful.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by blur

hi jane. i totally get that parts work sounds really weird. i knew about the inner child but when i read there were inner children, and we all have them, i freaked out at first thinking does that mean i have dissociative identity disorder (DID). nah, just inner children. it's like freud's concept of the id, ego and superego but more detailed and complex. if the whole concept of parts work is too weird for you don't worry about doing it and that is okay. but, i think it is common to find it "out there" but once a person understands more about it it isn't so threatening. so, i think it's good to learn a little more about it before deciding whether to try it or not.

having parts reminds me of our physical bodies. we have one physical body with many organs. the liver doesn't do what the heart does and the heart doesn't do what the brain does. it's similar in our psyches. we are only one whole self but that self can have parts inside it. while in our physical bodies our organs will always remain connected but separate in parts work i prefer the idea of integration of all the parts (helping them all become one). some Ts, like rainbow8 mentioned, just work to harmonize the parts but don't focus on integrating them. there the parts are separate but work in concert, like an orchestra. so, there are different theories even with Ts who do parts work. some go for integration and some just for harmonizing the parts but not integrating them.

for me, i know i have a part of me that loves to sabotage my goals. i'll stay up way too late and eat really poorly, so i'm too exhausted to do what i had intended to the next day. so, one part of me wants to accomplish my goals but another part of me sabotages me. why does that part exist? because i've had a lot of disappointing experiences in the past where my goals didn't work out and this sabotaging part is trying to prevent me from experiencing that disappointment again. it means well but that part is holding me back.

here is a good intro to what it is all about.

@someone321 i think you were the one who mentioned on your thread that having parts would be like having schizophrenia but that isn't the case at all. schizophrenia is actually quite different from this process. so, that is one less thing to worry about.

This article is amazing... I've just filled the questionnaire about "interviewing" different parts/subselves and sent it to my T before I could change my mind... I'm terrified right now (thanks for letting me know that at least I want be "accused" for being schizophrenic, but maybe DID then?) but big thanks for the link