Home sick today, so I took it upon myself to find out what my T's old band was called that he fronted like 40 years ago, of which toured all over the US. Somehow I ended up finding a bunch of awesome newspaper clippings from the early 70s, which led to me googling some of the bandmates. Long story short, now I know who my T visited when he went on vacation a few weeks ago. He had mentioned to me in a previous session what state he went to, but it wasn't difficult to put two and two together. For some reason all this time I thought it was a woman he was visiting, and was honestly a little jealous.

It's the first time I've ever found a social networking page related to him in any way, even though it was just his friend, who wrote about his visit and how they are recording albums together. Sometimes it's hard to believe our T's have lives outside of sessions, and it was proof right there that he still (even at his age) enjoys it.

Lol in any case now I feel kinda weird about my discovery. It really isn't anything that my T hasn't shared with me. He's talked about his band numerous times. I was hoping to find some songs, but I guess they weren't *that* popular. Or maybe even pictures of them performing.

Has anyone here ever googled their T and actually found stuff they didn't know, or worse, didn't want to know?

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[unaluna]

Yeah i googled a previous t and found out stuff about his family. Someone had done something which could be considered disturbing, depending on your point of view. He had alluded to it obliquely once in session, as the reason he became a t.

Thats cool about your t. I worked on my last high school reunion, finding and calling people. It was so much fun! You should try it. Its a trip.

[ThisWayOut]

I generally don't look for much detail on my T's beyond the initial google for a professional site (even when I had recently found personal info on one T, I did not look into it. I had known a bunch about my first T back in college, and it made things weird, so I choose not to look too far into things). It's kinda cool that you found info on his band. One of my former T's was also in a band (that still happens to be around and touring, but she is no longer with them). I would bump into her at social events. It was ok, but a bit strange to see her out of context.

[HazelGirl]

I have a few times, but since mine has written a book, her name is all over the internet. I didn't have the patience or interest to sort through the generic stuff to try to find something "juicy" or interesting. And I don't really see it as a big deal, either. But maybe that's because my T tells me a lot about herself anyway. I think I have learned more interesting things by asking her questions and hearing her talk.

[sweepy62]

I have googled t, not extensive, she pretty much has been disclosing as we keep getting to know each other, and right now, I dont feel that attachment I had with old t, around this time,

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I have googled t, not extensive, she pretty much has been disclosing as we keep getting to know each other, and right now, I dont feel that attachment I had with old t, around this time,

Maybe your lack of intense feelings are because your T is more open and honest. You don't need to wonder or obsess as much?

[RTerroni]

I did a fairly extensive Google search on the first Therapist I saw as an adult (probably after seeing her for a few years) didn't find much though, I never really had a chance to do a Google search on my current Therapist (since she is leaving in 2 weeks) but maybe I will after she leaves (maybe I will be able to find out the place she went to by doing that).

I ended up doing more searching after my main post here. I somehow found his Facebook that was using a fake name, and found his girlfriend, who looks to be about 5 to 10 years older than me. (I'm 27 and he is 67) here I was thinking he would never want to go after someone that young. I saw pictures of them in Paris, taking trips doing all sorts of things around the world. Basically this girl has almost stolen my fantasy, now that I know about her. I'm pretty upset. Devastated, really. I shouldn't have looked. The girl keeps justifying on her page about how good he treats her and how much **** he buys her. Certainly seems one-sided to me. I dunno. I don't think I should continue therapy anymore with these feelings. It was easier to handle when I didn't know who he was, but now I know it would never happen, even if I wasn't a patient. I can't tell him what I know without sounding creepy, so perhaps parting ways is best.

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[unaluna]

These are just FEEEEEEELINGS. You dont have to act on them. You can explore them. I would lay money they are not about this particular gf of his. If you found another cute t, you would be likely to have the same feelings, no? Why start all over again just to get to this point again? If you feel hostile towards this gf, why not express it? When my t was in Europe with a gf, the news reported that floods there uncovered a 400 year old artifact. When he returned, i "informed" him that photos of his gf (the 400 yr old artifact) were all over the news. Ha ha. Just talk about it. Its really not about him. And he knows it.

[HazelGirl]

Please don't quit over this. Just talk to him. There is absolutely nothing you could say that he hasn't already heard many times.

[tinyrabbit]

If your therapist is any good at his job, he won't judge you or think you sound creepy. Whatever he puts out in the world, it's his responsibility, not yours, and if it was possible to find it, again that's his responsibility. It must have been very hard to see that. I would absolutely urge you to talk to him.

I have discovered some unexpected things about my T before now. And at one point I stumbled on his Facebook page completely by accident. I had decided never to look him up on there, and I wouldn't have found him anyway as he has quite a common name (kind of like being called Paul Jones or something like that) and he hasn't changed the URL on his Facebook profile to his name so it doesn't come up on google. But I saw another T for a few weeks last summer well mine was on vacation, I googled her just to find her website and her Facebook page came up - and my T was friends with her. I looked at his page, couldn't see anything except his profile photo, no problem.

Because I'd visited his page, it came up in the search box sometimes if I started typing in a name. Sometimes I went and looked at it just to see his photo. And then after Christmas the picture changed to one of him and a child with a Christmas tree. Oh my gosh, that picture nearly destroyed me. I felt so stupid bringing it up with my T, but he got it straight away, he said: "It's everything you never had," and it ended up being quite helpful. I asked him not to tell me who the child was but it could be a grandchild, possibly.

I then had a really weird dream in which I went to his house and his wife gave me dinner and made me sleep in a bed with dirty sheets. When I told him about that, he pointed out that the child in the photo had a dirty face, which I hadn't even noticed...

Oops, this post got long!

Originally Posted by hankster

These are just FEEEEEEELINGS. You dont have to act on them. You can explore them. I would lay money they are not about this particular gf of his. If you found another cute t, you would be likely to have the same feelings, no? Why start all over again just to get to this point again? If you feel hostile towards this gf, why not express it? When my t was in Europe with a gf, the news reported that floods there uncovered a 400 year old artifact. When he returned, i "informed" him that photos of his gf (the 400 yr old artifact) were all over the news. Ha ha. Just talk about it. Its really not about him. And he knows it.

Well I don't know about that. Like I said, my T and I click on a very "different" level. He's said I'm "special" and "unique" and that it takes a certain type of person to know how to handle me. He's made some comments to me before about needing someone to accept me as I am, with all of the challenges that come with me. Certain things. I dunno, from my stupid stalking, I have found that his girlfriend said some of the same things about him on her page. The things he does for her is the same things he says I need.

Sometimes I think it IS about him, and the girlfriend situation didn't help. I didn't think he had one, let alone this young. She still gets her ******* period (yes, she wrote this on her page as well, along with how he rubs her feet and gives her a heating blanket...all things he has said to me that I need when I'm on MY period).

I don't think I can admit to my finding this information. I feel that it's too inappropriate, and that *I* have crossed a line!

I do have to say though your comment about the 400 year old artifact made me laugh this morning. That's a first so far today.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Please don't quit over this. Just talk to him. There is absolutely nothing you could say that he hasn't already heard many times.

I feel like I have no other choice. This is gonna push him further away than he already is. I don't want him to feel weird or unsafe now that I know details about his life that he didn't want me to know about. Besides, I almost feel like I don't have a right at all, in any way, to discuss HIS private life with him. I really crossed a line here.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by winenot3

Well I don't know about that. Like I said, my T and I click on a very "different" level. He's said I'm "special" and "unique" and that it takes a certain type of person to know how to handle me. He's made some comments to me before about needing someone to accept me as I am, with all of the challenges that come with me. Certain things. I dunno, from my stupid stalking, I have found that his girlfriend said some of the same things about him on her page. The things he does for her is the same things he says I need.

Sometimes I think it IS about him, and the girlfriend situation didn't help. I didn't think he had one, let alone this young. She still gets her ******* period (yes, she wrote this on her page as well, along with how he rubs her feet and gives her a heating blanket...all things he has said to me that I need when I'm on MY period).

I don't think I can admit to my finding this information. I feel that it's too inappropriate, and that *I* have crossed a line!

I do have to say though your comment about the 400 year old artifact made me laugh this morning. That's a first so far today.

Without context, I don't know whether these comments are inappropriate, but they are definitely questionable. No wonder you are so confused! Your feelings are totally justified!

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Without context, I don't know whether these comments are inappropriate, but they are definitely questionable. No wonder you are so confused! Your feelings are totally justified!

Well I'm re-reading the part about rubbing my feet and needing a heating blanket, and maybe I can clarify a bit (let me know if you need more; I'm horrible at recounting and remembering situations) He didn't say HE should, just that I "need someone who would do that for me." But again, like I said, upon reading his girlfriend's Facebook, that is exactly what he does for her, and she is very open about that.

Honestly? I can tell from our interactions ever since I told him that I have feelings for him...that he likes me back. I'm not stupid. I can tell when someone's attracted to me or has feelings for me as more than a platonic friend. Despite that, he is still very businesslike about all of this, and rightly so. Again, DESPITE the fact that I am indeed his patient, he has this stupid girlfriend. She does exist. So even if I wanted it to somewhere, it won't. And that hurts.

He's never SAID that he has feelings for me outright, just the he cares very much for me and is constantly telling me how attractive I look that day, or how intelligent I am...etc. I think it would be difficult for him with all of this if this girlfriend DIDN'T exist. So...in a way...should I be thankful for her? She might be (without knowing it) keeping this all in check.

Who knows. But really, there is nothing he can do about this. He ultimately does want to help me, but what is he supposed to do? Magically make my feelings go away?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by winenot3

Well I'm re-reading the part about rubbing my feet and needing a heating blanket, and maybe I can clarify a bit (let me know if you need more; I'm horrible at recounting and remembering situations) He didn't say HE should, just that I "need someone who would do that for me." But again, like I said, upon reading his girlfriend's Facebook, that is exactly what he does for her, and she is very open about that.

Honestly? I can tell from our interactions ever since I told him that I have feelings for him...that he likes me back. I'm not stupid. I can tell when someone's attracted to me or has feelings for me as more than a platonic friend. Despite that, he is still very businesslike about all of this, and rightly so. Again, DESPITE the fact that I am indeed his patient, he has this stupid girlfriend. She does exist. So even if I wanted it to somewhere, it won't. And that hurts.

He's never SAID that he has feelings for me outright, just the he cares very much for me and is constantly telling me how attractive I look that day, or how intelligent I am...etc. I think it would be difficult for him with all of this if this girlfriend DIDN'T exist. So...in a way...should I be thankful for her? She might be (without knowing it) keeping this all in check.

Who knows. But really, there is nothing he can do about this. He ultimately does want to help me, but what is he supposed to do? Magically make my feelings go away?

Does he have supervision?

It just sounds concerning and questionable.

As for your feelings, they will reappear with someone else. It always happens. The best thing for you is to work through them, why you have them, and what they're trying to tell you.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Does he have supervision?

It just sounds concerning and questionable.

As for your feelings, they will reappear with someone else. It always happens. The best thing for you is to work through them, why you have them, and what they're trying to tell you.

I think he MIGHT have supervision on me, but I'm not entirely sure. He made sure to give me a diagnosis recently and gave me a little test to do. He normally doesn't do that. And at the end of the session I saw him faxing something to someone and I swore it had my name on it. Again, just speculation. Who knows?

It does sound concerning and questionable, now that I think about it. Again, I don't think he would ever do anything, given his gorgeous hot and young girlfriend. (not to say that men don't cheat all the time...cause they do!)

Still. I'm not sure even then if he's said anything that danger zone quite yet. And you really think they would appear with someone else, and that they aren't just because I simply like him and who he is? I'm sure it's easy to brush off as transference and nothing more, but I feel so strongly about him, sometimes I think it HAS to be more than just that. I'm sure I sound naive right now, but oh well. :-/

Has he actually said or done anything specific that leads you to believe his feelings for you are less than professional? You gut feeling isn't really a good indication as this all gets wrapped up in transference, etc., and you do seem to be rather overly obsessed with him. Unless I've missed it, you haven't ever mentioned anything specific he has done. Him just saying he cares for you, telling you that you are an attractive person, and that you are intelligent don't really reek of an attraction to you other than professionally; those could just be pretty standard compliments depending on context.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I think he MIGHT have supervision on me, but I'm not entirely sure. He made sure to give me a diagnosis recently and gave me a little test to do. He normally doesn't do that. And at the end of the session I saw him faxing something to someone and I swore it had my name on it. Again, just speculation. Who knows?

It does sound concerning and questionable, now that I think about it. Again, I don't think he would ever do anything, given his gorgeous hot and young girlfriend. (not to say that men don't cheat all the time...cause they do!)

Still. I'm not sure even then if he's said anything that danger zone quite yet. And you really think they would appear with someone else, and that they aren't just because I simply like him and who he is? I'm sure it's easy to brush off as transference and nothing more, but I feel so strongly about him, sometimes I think it HAS to be more than just that. I'm sure I sound naive right now, but oh well. :-/

Transference is just as powerful as real life. So how strong it is isn't an indicator of whether it's transference or not. The behaviors and thoughts you have surrounding it are what make me think it's transference. The obsession and looking up information are all normal for transference.

So yes, I do think it would reappear.

And no, I don't think it's quite over that line yet. But it's awfully close, too close for comfort, IMO.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Has he actually said or done anything specific that leads you to believe his feelings for you are less than professional? You gut feeling isn't really a good indication as this all gets wrapped up in transference, etc., and you do seem to be rather overly obsessed with him. Unless I've missed it, you haven't ever mentioned anything specific he has done. Him just saying he cares for you, telling you that you are an attractive person, and that you are intelligent don't really reek of an attraction to you other than professionally; those could just be pretty standard compliments depending on context.

You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm reaching, and he doesn't feel that way about me whatsoever.

It's a moot point anyway, right? This girlfriend exists, therefore nothing would even happen anyway, even with me not being a patient. And I am obsessed with him. I can fully admit that. There's nothing I won't own up to here. It's just a matter of me choosing to still see him or not, really, based on my feelings...not his.

Winenot -

The internet searching isn't a big deal, imo. I would talk to my therapist about those things...Try not to guilt yourself...

Did you ever ask him about psychodynamic therapy?

I could not imagine trying to deal with all of the feelings you describe for and with the help of someone who is not highly trained from the transference perspective. The intensity is difficult enough as it is!

Originally Posted by skies

Winenot -

The internet searching isn't a big deal, imo. I would talk to my therapist about those things...Try not to guilt yourself...

Did you ever ask him about psychodynamic therapy?

I could not imagine trying to deal with all of the feelings you describe for and with the help of someone who is not highly trained from the transference perspective. The intensity is difficult enough as it is!

Well I've decided I'm not going to divulge to him after all what I know. His girlfriend or private life has nothing to do with my feelings for him, as I liked him before I even knew about her. It's just too much to deal with overall, really.

I tried to ask about psychodyamic before, but I think I got nervous and ended up not explaining clearly what I was trying to say. He sort of got what I meant. The new T I have saved in my phone for a rainy day is specifically psychodyamic. Perhaps that would be better suited for me.

Either my T is not trained, or he knows I have feelings and just chooses not to give a damn. I almost don't give a damn myself. I'll just tell him straight up that these feelings are not going away and that they really are just hindering me. Hopefully he'll let me go on good terms, though I don't see why not.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Transference is just as powerful as real life. So how strong it is isn't an indicator of whether it's transference or not. The behaviors and thoughts you have surrounding it are what make me think it's transference. The obsession and looking up information are all normal for transference.

So yes, I do think it would reappear.

And no, I don't think it's quite over that line yet. But it's awfully close, too close for comfort, IMO.

Good to know that all that stuff is normal and there is a word for my madness, haha. lol well I already knew about transference, but sometimes I wonder how much of what I do is transference-related, and others just me being...me.

I don't mind him being too close for comfort, but I think that's kind of the problem here. The fact that he could practically say or do anything and I would just eat it all up, crumbs and all. That's not right. No wonder people go on and on about the power imbalance. I'm not saying he's abusing it, but I'm certainly making it way too easy for him. I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of caring.

The thing that bothers me about his girlfriend is that I wanted to be that young ingenue to him. Now I see that I'll never be that exception, because she is already one to him. I don't know why this all matters, but in my head, it does. :-/

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by winenot3

Good to know that all that stuff is normal and there is a word for my madness, haha. lol well I already knew about transference, but sometimes I wonder how much of what I do is transference-related, and others just me being...me.

I don't mind him being too close for comfort, but I think that's kind of the problem here. The fact that he could practically say or do anything and I would just eat it all up, crumbs and all. That's not right. No wonder people go on and on about the power imbalance. I'm not saying he's abusing it, but I'm certainly making it way too easy for him. I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of caring.

The thing that bothers me about his girlfriend is that I wanted to be that young ingenue to him. Now I see that I'll never be that exception, because she is already one to him. I don't know why this all matters, but in my head, it does. :-/

It makes total sense why it matters. And he has subtly encouraged that, which has only, IMO, made it worse. And so I think that you need to bring it up with him directly and tell him all that you're feeling. And then if he won't help you overcome it, find a new T who will work for you. Oh, and if he tries to take things further please, please, PLEASE don't allow it. I don't know that he would, but what he has already said is suspicious enough that I am throwing that in there for good measure.