Therapy after the break.

Went back today. I could feel myself crashing, the nearer today came. All Kept thinking about was that T must enjoy my pain. I know she doesn't but that was the thought that stuck.

I felt in shock sitting in the room again. Looking around at everything that is familiar, but somehow strange too.

I really wanted to stay "true" to feelings today and not smile my sesion away. So I told her I was crashing, that it was hard. She asked if I had manage to "hold" her in my mind at all? I said no, but she said for me to feel the pain (mourne) I must have held her some because I was feeling her abstence.

WIth that my leg started swinging and I was fighting to hold back the pain. She said "your trying to not get upset" that was it, I just couldnt hold it back.

I asked her if it will ever get better? she said yes, but its going to take a very long time. I asked if all her clients suffer like this? She said, no, but then they haven't had the experiences you have.

I said I didn't think it mattered about knowing my birth mother laughted as she gave me away, but somehow that is hurting now as well. I told her I feel she laughts when I leave also, and I asked if she does? She "no I don't" but she understands it will take me a long while to feel the truth off that.

I nearly fell asleep at one stage I was so desperate to stop hurting. She said that accepting that it hurts when she isn't there, is opening up a big chunk of myself, that i have previously denied. Somehow that must be a step forward, but it sure dont feel like it.

Oh god how much more pain does one have to suffer?

I asked her if she holds me in mind? she said yes, I said but if you hold someone in mind, then you can also forget them? she replied "what give you away, like your birth mother"? I said, Yes I guess thats what I'm meaning.

I wonder what she thinks when she holds me in mind? I may get brave and ask her that next session.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

((((mouse))))
i read yur post. i'm sorry it hurts so bad. it's so hard to trust anyone and feel that anyone really really cares about you and what is going on inside. i wonder too if it will ever get better.
it sounds like yur T cares about you and i don't thik she laughs when you leave. i think she spends a few moments hurting too.
just me
naomi

Mouse, thank you so much for this post, you'll see how it spoke to me (and comforted me). I had a dream last night about my therapist, whom I terminated with summer of 2005 after having seen her for nearly 20 years between 1978 and then.

In the dream, I was in a large house, my house, and it was late at night and there were lots of people, relatives and family friends. I was waiting for my T to come visit me, we were going to have a session before she went away or after we had terminated, I don't remember. I think she was moving or had moved or something like that. It was "around" Christmastime, there were lots of lights and a "party" atmosphere, she was supposed to show up at 10:00 p.m. and I started looking for her out the window about ten or twenty of the hour. She didn't come. It got to be 10:10 and people started leaving or going to bed. Everyone knew I was waiting for someone and that they should clear out so I'd have some privacy when she came. But she didn't come and I "knew" she wouldn't but kept looking out the window for her. . .

I saw my therapist between 1978ish to 1987 then 1996 to 2005. In the 9 years between, I had moved away and never expected in my wildest dreams I'd ever see her again, I dreamed about her once every 6 months for 2-3 years and they were usually dreams like the one above where we were supposed to meet but something got in the way. The meetings were always the "last" too or, once, we were to begin again because I had "failed" therapy and she was disappointed in me. Only one of the dreams that I remember was "happy" and in that one I told her on the phone that I loved her. But usually they were crushingly sad with my yearning for her and not being able to get "to" her.

As you may remember, my mother died when I was a toddler and had been sick all my life, my stepmother was harsh/controlling, even abusive, so your and my lives are a bit similar I feel.

I was working in my journal on the dream, what it might mean, what I can do for myself, etc. trying to stay with the pain of the unrequited yearning (sorry for the flowery/poetic wording but it seems to fit) and eventually my thoughts did "their" thing and I felt comforted and more whole again. I did some thinking about the differences between the late-1980s dreams and last nights, their effect on me (crushing depression for at least half a day, "subdued" feeling for several days/a week) and how I feel differently now. Though I yearn as greatly as ever for my mother and my T, etc. there's "more" of me and I'm no longer "just" that yearning pain. And the pain is part of "Me" in a functional way, a building block? way instead of being something I'm trying to get rid of. It's "Me" and I am comfortable and accept it as such and wouldn't want it gone if I were able to get it to go.

You know how when you break a bone, the healed portion is stronger than the rest afterwards? Feels like that kind of.

Thought you might like to see what you could be looking forward to. Keep working, it IS worth it (I believe).

((white Iris, perna)) Thank you both for your kind posts.

((((mouse))))
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now, and i understand how difficult it must be for you to be able to open up and talk to your T, its a hard thing to do. But you are doing it .. even if maybe your not saying everything you had wanted to, your giving a little bit. And thats where it starts, one thing at a time, one step at a time.
Take good care
Jacq

(((((mouse))))) Sounds like your T is very caring and you have learned to share with her. Hang in there and keep going.

((((Mouse))))

was that your first session after a break over christmas / new year? i might be confused (if so i'm sorry)...

your t sounds lovely.

yeah i imagine she feels some of your pain sometimes.
i imagine she sends you warm friendly fuzzy vibes sometimes too.

> was that your first session after a break over christmas / new year? i might be confused (if so i'm sorry)...

doh! read the title alex lol.

goodo. i wanted to say this but i wanted to check that it was your first session after a break first...

that was really amazing that your t was sensitive to your being fragile / hurting after having a break from seeing her. i wonder... if my t will be expecting the same... because to tell you the honest truth... i really should try... to talk a bit about my feelings next time. last time (just before the break) i think he realised that i don't feel like i have a family and hence christmas / new year is a really hard time for me (their being family oriented holidays and all). i think he just realised, he didn't know before... and he kept saying 'and you feel sad' and i would just ignore him and talk about something slightly different (what i thought about something or other) and he would keep saying 'and you feel sad' and i was determined not to.

not before christmas for him. i didn't want to be more of a kill joy than i already am :-(

but yeah... i've been down a lot over the last couple of weeks. thinking about my dad leaving... and about how i don't have a family... and about how i'm not %#@&#! impressed that he takes time of seeing me to spend time with people he actually cares about. oops. thats not the best way of seeing it... dammit... yeah, i'm gonna try and be as brave as you.

well done mouse.

(apparantly the pain does receed... eventually... like how if you have ever lost a childhood pet. seems like the end of the world for a time. hurts a lot for a while. hurts a bit... always. but doesn't occur to you as often).