Reactive and angry texting or emailing

Some of you might have seen my recent posts about feeling like i'm going to die without my therapist (and i'm sorry if they get annoying-it's just that I frequently feel like that way because of pre-verbal separation issues).

Anyway, on Sunday I reached out to him via text. He responded with some interpretations. I got angry with him and texted back a couple of sarcastic (angry) messages. I also asked if I could come over his house which is so embarrassing to me now.

I told him today that i was mad about his responses because I needed warmth and comfort, while the clinical interpretations seemed cold. But it feels like being angry was being verbally abusive at the same time. No, I didn't call him names or swear, but I was sarcastic and angry.

Is it better to be honest and be a jerk with your therapist, or would you hold back? (or maybe you're never a jerk like me!) I told him I thought it was ok since he wanted to know how I felt all of the time. It would seem dishonest to not express myself honestly. My last therapist accepted me when I was at my worst, and I am still grateful for this.

I feel so incredibly bad about this-not guilty, but remorseful/repentant. He is so good to me and so kind. I am glad I feel safe enough to show him my bad side, and he doesn't get reactive. He was not judgmental.

Can anyone relate?

I know I could have said this with fewer words. I just feel TERRIBLE about the way I acted. Or am I overreacting about the way I reacted? Dissenting opinions ok...

Oh I can absolutely relate, and my feeling is, you did just the right thing. Short of threatening or comitting actual harm, I see little that shouldn't enter the therapeutic relationship. These things *feel* uncomfortable but are like gold to our therapists, incredibly valuable for understanding relationship issues and for highlighting important and sensitive topics.

I've had issues like this and also felt volatile about it after, and regretful, but... I don't think I would change anything. My therapist needed to hear me, and wasn't, and though I don't condone being rude deliberately.... it was good it happened and changed our dynamic for the better after.

Thanks, Leah. This was on my mind all day, and it was really helpful to read your response. In addition to what you said, another positive outcome was that I didn't feel guilty. That's good, right?

I dont get sarcastic really but i will say oh im joking, and my t will totally call me on it. He pretends like he just doesnt get the joke, then i try to explain it, and it just gets worse and worse. So he has pretty much trained me out of it - ie humor as a defense. It sounds like your t IS doing therapy by email or text or whatever, if he gives you interpretations, not just a we'll talk about it next time. So it sounds like he is hearing what you are really trying to say, and to help you get to the next level?

Anger? Therapist's love that shizz! Mine gets positively "glowy" if I get angry at her!

Absolutely, and I'm glad your therapist did their job, which was to provide a safe space to express yourself. We aren't always going to express ourselves beautifully, peacefully, eloquently, and I do think it's important to learn/experience in therapy that we're still okay, even if we don't.

I think we're very clear that we'd never just lash out at someone for no reason, and never believe that we're entitled to be rude (at least not after the fact, haha), but more that we can accept ourselves as imperfect, as is everyone, and learn from the situation, that a lot of guilt isn't going to help.

Yep my t doesn't do texts or emails but I have become sarcastic and angry in session , and in voicemail , I always tell her not to call me back.

Therapists do love it when you get those emotions out, they love anylizing that crap, at least mine does, and it's ok that you did not feel guilty.

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I write the woman angry letters all the time. It does not seem to phase her any.

You all are the best-thanks for helping me out here!! I feel so much better. Oh-I just figured out how to do the multi-quote thing!

haha I can picture T sitting there with that blank look while trying to explain. I also wonder why he doesn't say anything when i tell him I needed his comfort. It's not the first time i noticed this...Just the blank look... Hmm.... There is anger behind joking too. I agree with you that he's trying to help, as he always does.

You're cute. I should have probably mentioned that I'm ok with the anger in sessions...it's just the angry texts that I felt so badly about!!

You helped me so much-thank you for talking me through this. Yes, he is very good at his job. It's so easy to feel safe with him.



That's good that she can effectively contain your anger.

Feeling much better now.

I do this a lot. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've texted, emailed and yelled at my T.

My T thinks that, if I am a jerk to him (not that he uses that term) it's because I need to be. He says it's not really anything to do with me - it's more like a cardigan I'm wearing.

It's not your bad side that you're showing your T. It's not really you. It's part of the process you and your T are creating and navigating together, it's part of your woundedness, but it's not you, not the core of your self. You might not be happy about being moody to your T, but I doubt you had any control over it anyway.

You feel like you do because you care about your T and because behaving like this wouldn't be acceptable out in the world - but that's why you need to bring it to therapy.

I definitely can relate. I did this a lot when I was in my crazy phases. More so in the first 10 months out 18 months of therapy. My therapist did not mind at all. She was willing to do therapy this way, and I am grateful. Sometimes, we did more than twenty back and fourths with me ranting and raving.

Once I was ranting that she was going to get rid of me as some posters wrote about their therapist, especially because of boundaries. She insisted there were no boundaries, and it pained her to hear about what was happening with people on PC. I was once terminated for calling a therapist a jerk, so I asked her if I called her a very bad word if she would kick me out of therapy, of course she said no. I could call her what ever I wanted, and she wasn't going to break, she would still be there for me. She understood my words were not about her, in fact not much that I said or did was about her personally. No countertransference there. I wrote in and email that she was a Son of a B, then on the next line I apologized. She did email back and let me know that no other client had called her that, but surely must have thought it. She was glad that I could actually say it, write it, but I definitely need not apologize for it. Sometimes, when I think of this I smile with a little bit of embarrassment. I have never used bad language until kiddo became a teen. It did help me to write foul poetry and rants to her regarding my parents. All this propelled me forward in my journey to heal.

One important thing she did say was that when she got these kinds of emails, even if she didn't respond, I was still alive and kicking, and to her that was a good thing. She responded to more than 2/3 of my 1600 plus emails.

My T has categorically told me that short of bringing a gun in with me I can't actually mess up therapy.

Hasn't stopped me trying, mind.

I understand it.

I do this angry texting/emailing to my T a lot...to the point that she has forbidden me to be able to text or email anymore. And she says if I fight with her in session/get angry with her/accuse her of not caring-basically if i behave like a borderline-she won't see me anymore.

...I used to think the fear of abandonment was the worst thing, but she pretty much did terminate me (but accepted me back conditionally) and I think I feel relieved. Now I don't have to suspect that shes going to leave me, or wonder what it will take to push her away, or be afraid to tell her the bad things I've done- I already know for certain that she can and will walk away from me, I know the mean texts/emails make her furious, I know she couldn't possibly like me any less. So I'm free to really be who I am, instead of trying to be a "nice" person she can like.

Our therapists are only human, and eventually they will break if we don't stop assaulting them.

Your T sucks. I get setting limits on abusive behaviors, but her job is to teach yu how to better communicate, not restrict you from ever dissenting with her opinion.

she said its ok as long as im willing to talk about why im upset/angry instead of just blasting her and storming out of session early.

I texted him evil phrases like "therapists are like wh***" and "Im such a fool, I love my killer" I meant he= killer.
I felt really bad about it, I texted this after cutting myself but he called me and asked am I okay...
I'm wondering how he always forgave me, I was so bad to him.

Oh, okay. That sounds much better.

I don't experience anger in that way, but I have been honest with my T on the rare occasions when I felt hurt by her or thought she made a mistake. I was polite about it, but I was open and honest. She has always responded well to that, owned her mistakes, and apologized. In fact, one time, she started crying when she realized how much she had damaged our relationship by something she did without thinking beforehand. However, by showing me how much she cared when she started crying, she really helped to repair our relationship. I think being honest with T is very important.

Last time I sent my T a bunch of angry text messages, I went to the next session and apologised for being such a nightmare - and my T said: "Any nightmare we create together is not your responsibility and you don't need to be sorry." Which has changed my perspective somewhat.

your t sounds awesome

In the past few months I've been horrible to my T and was constantly conducting myself in a passive aggressive/aggressive manner. He's always remained the same, which is cool, calm, and collected. He hardly ever takes my bait, and then I get more frustrated. Lately though I've been more open with him and haven't even had to use such tactics.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

Have you ever been to his house before?