Why is it that every time I think I'm close to figuring this out.....

....I feel like I'm right back where I started....

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I mean, come on!!! I've been at this for at least a decade and some days like today, I feel like all the progress I've made has been a total waste of time because I suddenly realize there's some glaringly obvious detail I have chosen to either ignore or deny or maybe I'm just too stupid to comprehend - except that I'm pretty sure I'm not at all stupid.

Yeah, okay, so I know I do this because the pain is just too much to handle, but dammit, I'm tired of this! I want it to be over. I want to be able to say to myself, "You're okay! You're finally okay!"

No more sleepless nights or crying until the sun comes up.....

I get so bloody tired of it sometimes.....

I have a good life. I really do. I have a husband, father, and children who love and support me and I am so thankful for them, always. I'm truly blessed. What do I have to really complain about? Just when I think I have it all figured out, and that I can finally find peace, some new thought or insight invades my brain and I feel like I'm right back at the beginning - all those years ago, when I was clueless and only knew that a part of me was dying inside while another part of me was so thankful and I feel so confused, all wrapped up at the same time........

I am not making a bit of sense, am I? Ah well, it's not the first time and it won't be the last, apparently.

I'm just tired of trying to understand things that to me, are unfathomable.

What is it you are trying to understand? Is it the internal conflict between contentment and dysphoria? If that's what you are referring to, I concur. It is very confusing and exhausting to feel those two emotions simultaneously.

You have been in therapy for 10 years? I'm just wondering if I'm understanding your post correctly. Have you been with the same Therapist the whole time?

I know what you mean. "I have everything a normal person needs to be happy and yet I am not."

Sorry, I can be very confusing sometimes.

I'm trying to understand how Borderline Personality Disorder works and why those who suffer from it act as they do.

Your assessment of the confusion between dysphoria and contentment aren't far off the mark, though.

I began with a new therapist about 4 months ago. Prior to that, in 2003, I began therapy for the first time which lasted for a little over 4 years. When I say I have been dealing with it for that 10 years, I mean that while I have not always had professional help, I have read voraciously everything I can get my hands on regarding the subject of BPD and children of BPD mothers, and my frustration stems from my thinking I understand the disorder only to find that I don't.

Does that make more sense? I'm really tired, it's really late, and I should probably stop posting now.

Thanks for responding though. I really needed that.

Oh, I see. BPD is very complex and it is easy to become overwhelmed when trying to understand the disorder. The hefty stigma attached to this diagnosis doesn't make life any easier. Have you been formally diagnosed with this?
I know my issue is that I feel selfish and ashamed for being so depressed when there is so much to be thankful for...but that's how depression works. It can be situational, chemical, or part of a neurological disorder such as Bipolar. There are so many illnesses and disorders that have similar symptoms and criteria so it can definitely be overwhelming.

You aren't confusing, I just like to double check I'm understanding correctly so I am able to respond accordingly.

Dear Werewoman,

I totally hear you..and understand. Have BPD too and read all the time and feel such guilt for not being what "I used to be" or "better" or "more grateful" or better mother/daughter etc or whatever.

These tailspins and depressive episodes are so draining and frustrating and getting up YET AGAIN just BITES...
My T is really patient and understanding and I do NOT understand how he can be so with ME...ughhh. If I just had 1/28th of his patience...

They way he said it to me...which I hang on to dearly...is that I have emotional needs and pain that I just don't know how to soothe or get soothed and thus I sometimes act out (in)...
we are so sensitive to this pain and our pain receptors are so overwhelmed that we do things and think things that others don't understand or can't relate to.

We are actually quite courageous and brave and patient in perspective to what we feel. He calls me a feeler. Thank goodness he says he is a feeler to. So sometimes he pauses...because he is translating what he wants to say into "'feeling" words so that I can hear him better. Of course, I have to look up, because my little feeler decrepit mind thinks he is getting impatient or frustrated with me... but he is also showing me that he is listening, understands and is right there.

Yesterday he was like 10 min. late finishing up with prior client and dealing with something...I was early and it was a very important session for ME...I was already in tears before he came to get me. I was just hurting THAT MUCH!!! I truly was in agony. NO ONE else gets that or can feel it or understand it. If most people felt as MUCH as we do...they would do crazy things to get their needs met too. The pain and feelings are REAL. Our reactions and knee jerk reactions and warped ability to read responses from others just intensifies these feelings and then shame spirals...

Reality check? We are trying...we are working really hard...we are brave...we are worth it....

Hang in there and gentle hugs for being as brave and loving and sensitive as you really are. We will find a way...somehow. We are just doing the best that we can. (sending you some of T's patience as I don't have any today..lol)

Hope this wasn't too jumbly....
Gentle hug,
-WB

No. My formal diagnosis is PTSD. Every therapist and psych I've talked to about it has said my mother probably has untreated BPD.

Your words are incredibly helpful. Thank you so much! It's so hard for me to fathom the intensity of emotion that borderlines feel but you have described it in such a way that gives me a better understanding of what my mother endures on a daily basis.