pocket riders please

I know I've been really whiny lately, but this is really a difficult time for me. T really wants me out of the house asap, today I finally gave in made an appointment to maybe enter a group home. It's scheduled for friday 10:30 am, and I'll see T a bit later at 1PM.

I am freaking out, trying to find ways to have the strength to go, to not feel like I'm betraying my family. Also I have a party with some co-workers planned for Friday night, and for now my plan is to drink myself into oblivion, so I will also have to talk about this with T... All I can see is a difficult day and I have no idea how to get through this on my own...

Any pocket riders would be so helpful!

Sounds very stressful, so I'll be glad to ride along with you.

I don't think I would suggest you drink yourself into oblivion, especially if you are on meds, because it just makes you feel worse the next day and sounds like you already have enough anxiety.

Jordy, you are not whiny here, you say what you have to say. You have been working on a lot of difficult things from reading your previous postings.

I want to be a part of your cheering and comfort squad, so count me as one ore in your pocket.

Good luck to you, Jordy.

Thank you both so much!

I know I shouldn't drink that much on Friday night, but for now that's all I can think about. Hopefully that will change by then...

I even cannot imagine how stressful it has to be so definitely I will pocket ride for you

I know it's a crazy idea but maybe you could imagine giving me part of your stress? So that you could feel at least a little bit less anxious? I am in the place that I can take some more stress, so just send me as much as you can

You can do this Jordy...stay safe and stay strong...I'll be your pocket rider any day...

Gentle Hugs..
WB

I will be there! I understand the feeling of wanting to drink into oblivion, especially in social situations. Is there any way to limit it to just a drink or two? That way you can still loosen up, but not go wayyyy overboard?

OMG Jordy, I read this once, without um... taking it in (was distracted by my own stupid post, lol) Then, I returned and read it again.

Read that you had an appointment to see about entering a group home and then to meet with your therapist.

I wish I could come over there and give you a massive HIGH FIVE! And just a big..... huge grin of encouragement and congratulations, and a bear hug if you want one.

Because I can empathize, and I truly know from experience how hard it is too leave home when it feels to soon and too hard and to have that sense of betraying those that raised us.

I left my father's when I was 16. I remember the feelings you described.

I just wanted to tell you that you're being brave, and if you're being true to yourself, you're betraying no one. That things will get much better when you have the perspective that comes from moving out, and that it can get much better.

Honestly... I'd almost never say this... but my feeling is, this one time, if drinking is what is getting you through this, the idea of going out with your friends, well... it probably won't kill you. Because this is a very stressful time. But take good care of yourself. And if oblivion's where you need to be for just a little while.... have a designated driver and maybe do one drink with one water, alternating. The little things can help.

I *would* ride in your pocket, but I'd probably be cheering and distract you, so... I'll just be there in spirit, silent.

I remember how much better things got after I left. It was sad, and hard, but my life got so much better.

Thank you all for your support! I'm not sure you realize how much this means to me! I feel like I'm stabbing my mother in the back and by doing that I will lose everything I have...
I'm trying not think too much about all this, but it's so hard, like there's no way this will go over smoothly and I get ready for the worst case scenario. All I hope is that if I really go through with this, T will go back to weekly sessions for a little while. I will really need that support!

As for the party on friday night, the plan is to spend the night there, so i should be safe.

Good luck with everything, Jordy. If I'm not too late I will pocket ride with you. Take good care of yourself. Stay strong - you are amazing. You can do this.

Thank you! And no you're not late, 36 more hours to go, and I'm almost having a panic attack here... I'm really considering calling T tomorrow if I can't handle the stress. Never done that before, but I'm sure she'll support me considering the circumstances.

Glad I'm not late! Yes, I would call T. I think she would be pleased you made the call. I am sure she will be very supportive. She sounds great. Take good care of yourself.

I'm sure if I do she will be pleased, but I would like to surprise her on Friday as she's got no idea I actually called and set up the appointment. On Monday during group I was still finding dozens of reason why I shouldn't do it, and at one point she even stated that apparently I wasn't ready and she didn't know when I would be.

I would definitely like to ride along as well!

(((((Jordy)))))) really hope the appointment goes well and very happy to pocket ride with you

Thank you for your support!

Had to take some Ativan to be able sleep, now I have to get ready for work and am still freaking out. Hopefully work will keep my mind of things... If not I guess I will have to call T...

An hour ago, when leaving work I was absolutely freaking out about tomorrow, and for the first time ever I called T and asked her to help me calm down. At first she was a bit shocked when I explained the situation, like she made me tell her 3 times what kind of appointment I have tomorrow. I think she wanted to make sure she understood this right, as she absolutely didn't expect it. She wanted to know why now, what had made me do it and so on. At that point I was like: please T, let's not analyze this now, I'm freaking out here!!!
She understood this, and we talked about different coping skills I could use to calm down a bit and help me through the night.
She also put things into perspective saying tomorrow is only a first interview, I won't move out tomorrow, and I can still back down if I'm too scared or can't do it. But that simple fact that I called and asked for this appointment is a huge step forward. I also haven't been this distressed in a really long time and she asked me not to consider it a relapse, that I'm doing something so huge for me, that being scared is to be expected and that I am making progress even if I don't feel like it right now.
She gave me some advice for the appointment tomorrow and asked me to keep her up to date on this, had to remind her that we actually have a session tomorrow. (I don't have regular sessions because of my work schedule) She was really happy about this and said we'll discuss it more tomorrow.

By the way, I made another huge step forward today: My supervisor asked me to work tomorrow and at first I told him that I had appointments to go to and probably wouldn't be fit to work. He wanted to know more and I decided to be honest and asked him if we could step out. Once outside I gave him basic information, and he was absolutely supportive. Immediately told me I'll have the day off tomorrow, to do what I need to do, and in the future to let him know whenever I need some time off.
As it was only 3pm, I offered to stay 2 hours longer and make the delivery that was plannd for tomorrow today to help the team. When I got back from the delivery he took me aside and said he really didn't expected what I told him. But he will support me any way he can, to call him if I ever need to talk and no one at work will know. And he's crossing his fingers for me tomorrow! Had I known he would react like this I would have told him sooner. This is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!

So glad to hear that, Jordy!

That's so wonderful. Honesty can be so scary, but it can really pay off. I'm so glad you're making space for this big event and have your therapist and boss as allies.

Thanks again for your support! 13,5 more hours to go, and even though I'm scared, I don't feel so alone in this anymore. I didn't think I would be able to make it through today without harmiing myself, but I actually did until now. And I've got a nice evening planned, will pack my bags for the overnight party tomorrow night and then browse itunes for a nice kids movie to keep my mind of things.
T also prescribed me a month of sleeping aids a few month ago (she didn't want me to take them longer to avoid any addiction), I kept a few for emergencies and I think tonight warrants taking one. So I should be ok until tomorrow...

I can't believe how many measures I'm taking to stay safe, so many first times for me this week...

That's wonderful! Keep it up! But even if you start to go back to old coping habits, that's okay too. A little bit at a time!

((((((Jordy)))) i'm so impressed that you called your T and spoke to your supervisor ... and this on top of all the other steps you are taking this week; I hope that within all the anxiety you can also find time to be a bit proud of yourself for all of this - you are amazing

Thank you! Yeah I am proud of myself even though right now I'd rather be anywhere else. Appointment is in 20 minutes and I'm sitting on a bench 5 minutes away, trying to calm down.
Everyone hop into my pocket now and please no arguing over the better spots

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last minute pocket rider here!

Thinking of you, Jordy. Hope all is going well. Take good care of yourself.