why would T do this

I have been so open with her and it has been so hard. im now second guessing myself. I have been letting her see little by little the horrible things I do like what went on with the person at the scrapbooking store. and some other things . I thought she could handle it . I thought I could handle it .but I cant and I feel so stupid for sharing this . she brought up something that threw me and I don't understand it. she was talking about the similarities in how I have reacted to people in the past and then she said " you know how when I sit here and don't say anything you feel like I am angry and or hate you" I really don't know what else was said because I was floored . I thought it was me but why would she do this . she does it all the time now .she will just sit there and stare at me and say nothing . why would she do this if she knows that it makes me feel so horrible . why? I didn't think she even knew her doing that made me feel bad . once again I blinded myself to other people . this is sick and sadistic . why purposely make me feel this way . she seemed to enjoy it . why are there so many people like this in my world. why does she enjoy it

No Granite. She is not saying she purposefully doesn't say anything with the intent of upsetting you. She is saying she recognizes that you interpret silence as anger. Two entirely different things.

T's very normally sit quietly and wait for us to gather our thoughts and speak. That is not mean. She is just allowing you space to gather your thoughts and communicate them to her. She's at a catch-22 with you. If she speaks, you often interpret her words as anger, but if she is silent you do then also.

It sounds like you stopped hearing her when she said the part you quoted. My guess is she was trying to help you see a similarity between how you react to her and how you reacted in the store situation, but you took her observation and ran with it as evidence that she's sadistic rather than truly hearing her whole message.

Kinda makes me want to do a poll. If you were to sit down with your mother, how would you interpret her silence? Cuz i just flashed on that this is what's happening, and i pictured mine and it was not good.

Definitely sounded like a description of your mother Granite, not your T. The fact that you shut down immediately seems pretty telling that this is really not about your T. It was your mother who enjoyed upsetting you, who was sadistic, etc.

Some types of therapeutic approaches encourage stress within therapy so you can work on coping skills in a safe environment.

Other types of therapeutic approaches avoid any stress within the relationship.

My T is the type that avoids stress, so the silence never last too long.

With my T I had 14 years ago, we could go the whole session w/o talking.

The therapist I saw for only a couple of months sat in silence while I shook. I tried to explain I did not know what was supposed to happen but she just sat there - after two times of sitting in silence and shaking, I told her I was not coming back.

With this one I see now, I don't really want her talking much because I decided she was most useful not doing so - although she can ask a question here and there. sometimes it is hard to get this one to keep her thoughts to herself. I use her to say things I don't tell other people. I could not have done it with the earlier woman.

Granite - I do think it sounds like this therapist is trying to get you to see you jump to conclusions about what people are thinking or doing at you without checking to see if that is what the person is really doing. So this therapist was trying to show you that your first response to her (therapist) is not really what she is doing or feeling and perhaps that happens with other people too (thinking they hate you when your facts don't really add up to that if you step back and look at them) - just an idea.

Sometimes therapy is about coming to terms with why we are uncomfortable. Your t isn't mocking you, IMO It's a gutsy move to get you to face your fears of rejection.

Im sorry your session didnt go well, but I think your t was trying to bring something to light. I hate silence in session, my does it anyway, she says its needed, to gather thoughs and sit with feelings.

this sounds right on the mark to me.

I agree with the others. She's not trying to torment you, she's trying to tell you that your perception is off. You need to adjust your feelings to meet society, not the other way around.

My T does that too. She uses normal words and phrases that upset me. But she doesn't apologize. She just explains she doesn't mean them the same way my mom meant them when she used them to torment me.

She is not trying to hurt you at all. Your T is just pointing out how your interpretation of her behavior is very different from the reality. She is not going to stop being quiet just because you misinterpret it as anger, because outside the therapy room that's not what happens. It's your thought process that needs to change to some extent. I think she wants to help you stop punishing yourself.

It's not up to your T to alter her behavior, which is within the range of acceptable behavior, but that you find triggering. Otherwise, patients could have her jumping through hoops and turning somersaults in the air to try to avoid all their triggers. When your T does this, you have the opporunity to observe your reaction with curiosity and learn that her silence does not mean she is angry. You get to redo history and have things turn out differently! It can be healing.

She may be giving you the opportunity to reality-test the situation. Maybe she is waiting for you to ask "Are you mad at me right now?".

CBT T did this to me---I said I thought he sounded angry but then he said "Did you ask me what I was feeling in that moment?" Um, no I didn't think to ask. Once I did, he said he was concerned not angry. But sometimes when they let you know, it CAN be hard to believe. I tend to think T is angry even after they say otherwise.

I get your dilemma and understand why it feels sadistic. T understands the outside world won't adjust to your triggers, but you CAN ask questions to find out if your assumptions are true or not.

This is really, really tough stuff. I have such an ingrained fear of my T being angry with me, it's out of control. He just told me recently that the way I described it sounded child-like. Transference is what he was inferring there It doesn't make it any less painful for me. It's been a long and arduous process....I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you too

Granite - this really is tough stuff. I have very similar feelings with this around my T. Just reading these posts have made me realize that I jump to the same conclusions. It is really painful. i am so sorry you are hurting. I just want you to know that I relate. And I am sorry you are going through this. Keep strong. I think your T cares a lot about you and is trying to give you the opportunity to discuss with her your reactions? Take good care, Granite.

I can really relate to that. I mentioned a few times I had big issues with silence in general between two people [on account of my parents] all she would do it sit their no moving a muscle or uttering a word. I would up ending the session 20 minuets early once.
Some times I feel so annoyed with her I think she is staying silent for her own benefit. ie if she stays silent she cant get herself in to trouble or something like that. Paranoia on my part I guess.

The best thing is to TELL her how that makes you feel.

I can relate to this granite, but as posted above, for me I realised that it was not T that was making me feel those things, but my father - who was always there with me.

We're going to start working on leaving "him" outside the room, which is quite scary, but I think if I can do it, it may be helpful.

I am calmer now and thanks for all the responses and support. you all make a lot of sense. I just wish that she wouldn't do things like this because it completely confuses me. as I have calmed down I kind of remember more of how the conversation went . we were talking about the fall out I had with this person and how it is similar to others .then she said " like when I sit here and don't say anything ,you feel like I am angry and hate you. I know this comes from a place of a lot of hurt and pain . I just wish that she didn't do things to make me feel that way if she knows that something will. but I guess it was not as bad as I was seeing it

Granite, I experience silence as adversarial and an attempt to manipulate or anger me. I recognize that this comes from my experiences with my mother. However when I explained this to my T, and told him it alienated me and makes me shut down and share even less, he changed techniques and stopped allowing silences to last very long. Your T is just so rigid and limited in what she is willing to try or accommodate you in within your therapy.

This is a very important question.

Some of us (eg Granite and me) perceive neutrality as hostile.
Our Ts try to show us that neutrality is not hostile. But what if we can't believe this? To use neutrality in this way is a challenge, and challenge can be overdone.

Perhaps we need to talk about this with our Ts?

Or, things not even intended as a challenge are perceived as a challenge. I think often that is more of the case.

But when the T has been informed it is perceived as a challenge or hostility and then chooses to continue to engage in the behavior, I think it DOES become a challenge or hostility, regardless of whether or not it was initially intended that way. If the challenge is not one the client can or is prepared to overcome, then I think the client is entitled to seek help elsewhere.

And I just don't agree that Granite's T has been particularly flexible. She shuts down Granite's most effective method of communication. Granite has made huge progress, but that was due to Granite's huge efforts to overcome the barriers her T was putting up to Granite's best methods of communicating. That is just my opinion, obviously, but that is the way I have seen it.

Bravo! You and me both, sister!

"I defriend both of you! Thats not how this works!" (I do love that commercial where the old lady posts her vacation pictures to her living room wall!)

But somehow when the same subject comes up for me and my t, we are not in the same old argument about it - somehow some work has been accomplished and we are in a different space. Even every time i ask him to marry me, its a different ( tho still negative outcome ) conversation. But its not so much about the outcome as it is about WHY im asking now. There is always a different reason. Or am i just full of excuses, as my mother was? Ha, no wonder my therapy is a neverending story. Thats not good.