[HazelGirl]

Yes, I know that's why we "pay" them. But does it ever bother you that therapy is so focused on the client? Like it feels selfish to think and talk about yourself so much? Or that you would like to feel more "equal" to your T and wish you knew more about what they were thinking and feeling?

I know this has to be the case with "blank slate" therapies, but I am finding some of the same feelings when it comes to my own therapy, and my T is totally not blank slate style. She shares a lot about herself and her life, but it's still all focused on me. And it bothers me somewhat because I feel selfish for it, and feel like I "should" be focusing more on her, even though she won't let me. She says I have a habit of "care-taking" and overly focusing on those who are in my life and making sure they're happy and fulfilled while ignoring myself. So maybe that's why I feel this way.

Anyone relate?

Not really. Sounds like your T has you pegged with the care-taker observation.

I think I value therapy BECAUSE it is all about me, as it is designed to be. Therapy isn't selfish. My therapy focus in that hour isn't discounting anyone else or putting myself before others. It's just putting myself right where I should be but tend to neglect. I tend to put myself on the back burner outside his four walls, although I'm getting better about nurturing myself, so one hour a week or whatever to focus on nurturing my life seems just a healthy thing to do.

People do many things to put themselves first in healthy ways -- exercise, music, art, lunches with friends, book clubs, etc. Therapy is just one of a long list of healthy self-care activities, and is no more selfish than any of the others.

[HazelGirl]

Thanks. Maybe you're right. It's because I try to take care of everyone else. And maybe it's a way for me to distract myself from my own feelings and difficulties.

I can relate.

I am uncomfortable focusing on myself due to other reasons but on top of this even the most open T's tell you relatively little compared to what you tell them and I always end up feeling like I'm being a burden.

[stopdog]

I do not feel unequal to the therapist. And it does not bother me to have that time focussed on me. But I don't usually worry that much about other people - I assume most adults can take care of themselves and don't need me to do it in a general way. I don't really jump in to care taking mode as a default position (I mean I will take care of people if I can if there is distress like bleeding, or a death or something) - I also do not like to have others "care take" me - so why would I inflict it on someone else is sort of my approach. I don't see the therapist as caring towards me or at me at appointments.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I can relate.

I am uncomfortable focusing on myself due to other reasons but on top of this even the most open T's tell you relatively little compared to what you tell them and I always end up feeling like I'm being a burden.

True. As much as I know about her, she still knows a ton more about me.

[Leah123]

Dont' forget, it is NOT actually all about you. I know you mentioned the money, but it seemed very dismissive: try and keep in mind how meaningful the money is to her, and how you have to work to earn it. She's earning a living, so it's absolutely about her as well, your need is met through talking, her need is met through payment. It is an equal relationship.

Just not identical in terms of what you receive from it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Dont' forget, it is NOT actually all about you. I know you mentioned the money, but it seemed very dismissive: try and keep in mind how meaningful the money is to her, and how you have to work to earn it. She's earning a living, so it's absolutely about her as well, your need is met through talking, her need is met through payment. It is an equal relationship.

Just not identical in terms of what you receive from it.

I guess this is hard for me for two reasons:
1. Money means very little to me. I see it as a necessity, but not as valuable. I don't use it as a means of defining worth. So it doesn't feel "equal" to me because what she gives is much more valuable than any amount of money ever could be.
2. I am actually not paying her this month. I have some dental bills to pay, so she agreed to see me for two months for free so I could pay those off.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess this is hard for me for two reasons:
1. Money means very little to me. I see it as a necessity, but not as valuable. I don't use it as a means of defining worth. So it doesn't feel "equal" to me because what she gives is much more valuable than any amount of money ever could be.
2. I am actually not paying her this month. I have some dental bills to pay, so she agreed to see me for two months for free so I could pay those off.

I know what you mean about not valuing money. I'm not a materialistic person and money means little, in itself.

However, please realize that money is just about trading. You trade her money, but she trades money for a safe place to live, for food to eat, to take care of herself and family, to enjoy life, maybe go to a concert, etc.

So remember... money is just a symbol of what you're giving her. You're giving her a livelihood.

I know you're not paying her this month, but don't forget about karma and about opportunities you no doubt have and will have to pay it forward.

And don't forget that the work is fulfilling to her, there is a pleasure in helping someone heal that she certainly takes away from this too.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I know what you mean about not valuing money. I'm not a materialistic person and money means little, in itself.

However, please realize that money is just about trading. You trade her money, but she trades money for a safe place to live, for food to eat, to take care of herself and family, to enjoy life, maybe go to a concert, etc.

So remember... money is just a symbol of what you're giving her. You're giving her a livelihood.

I know you're not paying her this month, but don't forget about karma and about opportunities you no doubt have and will have to pay it forward.

And don't forget that the work is fulfilling to her, there is a pleasure in helping someone heal that she certainly takes away from this too.

I know in my head that you're right. It's just so weird.

[lostwonder]

In the words of my T. You think money is all I get out of this work?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by lostwonder

In the words of my T. You think money is all I get out of this work?

My T has said something similar, that she cares because she wants to, not because I pay her. No amount of money on earth would be enough to cause genuine feelings of care. But I guess that's confusing because I don't give her anything. Why care?

I don't say that in a "I'm horrible" way (I don't think...although those thoughts fuel a lot more than I realize), but in a honest way? Why go out of your way? What's in it for you? Where is your motivation?

I am very suspect of people and of their reasons for doing things, though.

[sweepy62]

yes, im totally a caretaker, and she and previous t called me out on it, I feel very selfish sometimes, that its all about me, even though she discloses about herself, I hate it when she says I am her priority, i get upset. I always ask how she is doing, or how her weekend was, she tells me, but it is followed by, well I am concerned about how you are and how your week was, this is about you not me.

[pbutton]

Yeah, I got a "We're not here to talk about me" this week. Grumble.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

yes, im totally a caretaker, and she and previous t called me out on it, I feel very selfish sometimes, that its all about me, even though she discloses about herself, I hate it when she says I am her priority, i get upset. I always ask how she is doing, or how her weekend was, she tells me, but it is followed by, well I am concerned about how you are and how your week was, this is about you not me.

I know better than to try to ask how her weekend was. Not that she wouldn't answer, but she would know I'm trying to deflect, and I would be called out on it as well. Although she has allowed me to spend considerable time talking to her about her and asking questions. So maybe she might see that as a necessary defense or coping method for me at the moment. She doesn't try to force me away or towards certain topics, and will leave them alone until I am ready for them. If I was able to be more vocal about my inner experience in therapy, I think I would benefit a lot more because she can quickly bend and adjust to what I am saying. But that would be selfish, like you said. So I don't.

[stopdog]

The one I see has said I don't ask about her enough (almost never really).
It appears as though they cannot be pleased.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The one I see has said I don't ask about her enough (almost never really).
It appears as though they cannot be pleased.

Or maybe we are on opposite ends of a spectrum, and the healthy amount is somewhere between our attitudes?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Or maybe we are on opposite ends of a spectrum, and the healthy amount is somewhere between our attitudes?

I don't really think so. I think they are always taken aback when a client is not very interested in them all that much and the woman does not really know how handle it with me. With real people, it is a back and forth/give and take sort of thing but not with therapists. As you stated - they get paid in exchange for staying back.

[lostwonder]

I can understand the idea of caring because they want to. I work in a "helping" profession, my volunteer work is directly "helping" clients. I love all my clients. If one is having problems I think about them in my time. There is no better reward in the world than seeing even a bit of difference you are able to make in someone's life.

[Leah123]

My therapist cares, I'd say, because she's been in pain and come through the pain, so she feels empathy. She finds meaning for her pain in being able to help resolve others'.

Also, don't you ever feel good when doing good for someone else? Just a natural human reflex...

And then there's always pride in a job well done.

And then there's the pleasure of watching someone develop, whether as a parent, teacher, mentor or therapist.

The work can be deeply fulfilling in a way in which folks with other types of jobs may not be familiar.

[Aloneandafraid]

I relate to your post, Hazelgirl. I feel very selfish for all the attention being on me and I have had the lecture about it having to be focused on me. It's hard. I also feel I don't deserve her attention. I wish I knew a bit more about her so I could be more caring towards her. I know this isn't how it works. I struggle with this a lot.

[HazelGirl]

Thank you for these perspectives. I guess I just find it hard to imagine that she finds benefit in working with me. Out of all people, I would imagine myself as one others wouldn't pick if they had the choice.

[liveinspired]

I've been in therapy going on a little over two months.

A few weeks after therapy started I actually did feel a want to know more about my therapist, but in the last oh I'd day two or three week that want has sort if faded.

It's not that I don't care to know about her, but I guess I am so involved with how intense things have got in therapy for me that I don't really focus or think about wanting to know more about her.

Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm selfish and that I don't focus on other people. Which can be true--I'm very self-absorbed. I can admit this. But also, I feel like I never get the chance to prove to him that I can be caring and warm about other people, because all he ever sees of me is when I'm inside the room is when I'm...TALKING ABOUT MYSELF!

If I even try to ask how he is doing or what he feels, he answers a bit, but immediately swings it back to me. I get that it's my therapy and that I'm paying for it, but it makes me angry that he only sees me one way. I am nothing but self-involved when I am in that room. I hate it.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Yes, I know that's why we "pay" them. But does it ever bother you that therapy is so focused on the client? Like it feels selfish to think and talk about yourself so much? Or that you would like to feel more "equal" to your T and wish you knew more about what they were thinking and feeling?

I know this has to be the case with "blank slate" therapies, but I am finding some of the same feelings when it comes to my own therapy, and my T is totally not blank slate style. She shares a lot about herself and her life, but it's still all focused on me. And it bothers me somewhat because I feel selfish for it, and feel like I "should" be focusing more on her, even though she won't let me. She says I have a habit of "care-taking" and overly focusing on those who are in my life and making sure they're happy and fulfilled while ignoring myself. So maybe that's why I feel this way.

Anyone relate?

Yes, and it seems like T and I discuss this every other session.

I tell him I feel uncomfortable all of the time with his focusing on me. I think it might be mostly related to sense of self/psychological boundaries, while having nothing to do with blank slate stuff....

The therapists job is to not let you "become" what they need. Blocking the enmeshment helps us firm permeable psychological boundaries. (I also wrote about this on Can't Explain's thread.)

Being enmeshed, like how some of us were with a parent who used her children to meet her needs, feels comfortable. Someone having no needs from us feels foreign.

And it feels self-centered to me as well. But I think it's even more self-centered to focus on the needs of another; behind that is usually fear of abandonment, which relates back to us anyway.

Anyway, thinking of it in terms of these concepts does not decrease the discomfort! Not yet, anyway.