Romantic Counter-Transference

Hey all!

Was reading something interesting today about T's revealing their romantic counter-transference to their clients - has this ever happened to anyone before in which a T has said, "I am experiencing these feelings towards you which may affect our therapeutic relationship" ?

I know for myself - I wasn't sure about T's counter-transference (of ANY sort - if she was angry or upset with me, etc...) and it made it very difficult for me to work though "why" things happened the way they did - and "why" she reacted the way she did.

Years ago, my main T said that we sometimes flirt with each other. I was horrified, until I realized he would never act on it, that I was just trying out different behaviors on someone I was feeling attached to. To him, I was "confused".

He also likes an actress, who, in my youth, I somewhat resembled. So I have an inkling that he may have felt a twinge of something-something. He's an ethical guy and nothing came of it.

That is interesting! Thanks for your comment, Growlycat!

No, and I would want the woman to keep such info to herself if, in the extremely unlikely scenario, such a thing would happen. I have no romantic notions about the woman at all. Ugh.
I have been told by someone else I know who saw the same woman for awhile, that the woman did tell this other person that she was having counter transference towards her, invited the person to her home, and a couple of other unusual things.

If the therapist I see now ever said anything like that to me I would run like crazy and never, ever go back. Ever. I would freak out.

God, I wish. Wouldn't that be like the best fantasy ever. Not to act upon, but just to SAY it, and bring it to the light of day. That being said, I can tell that he flirts with me and is maybe even "interested." For those who think I'm being delusional...I'm not, really. Just because you can pick up on someone's non-verbal cues, doesn't mean that it's a big deal OR that they care enough to say anything like that aloud. Just makes it more frustrating for me.

Thanks for the responses! I think it would be a tricky situation to be in - I have had someone in authority of me (professor) whom I fell in love with, and no way did I expect her to have any feelings for me. But when the boundaries got blurred and her feelings were involved - things got very difficult. Wasn't expecting it to happen!

I am going to be discussing with this with my former T - just "counter-transference" in general. She bought it up very early on in therapy which I never initiated - so I feel she knew what was going on, but never talked about it.... until after I terminated :/
Should be an interesting conversation!

When pressed, previous T said 'Ihadacountertransferencereaction. Do I need to be a ***** again?' And I proceeded to reassure her that I didn't think she was a *****. Yup, really insightful therapeutic exchange there...

Oh no! That would have been quite awkward, JustShakey! :P

One of the main things that clued me in on my ex T's countertransference (or just feelings?) was when I'd tell her something , and she would get visibly worked up or shaken over it. They teach T's to remain sort of neutral , and you could tell she was tying...but It didn't always work. The clearest memory I have of this is when I told her a particularly nasty thing that happened to me , she was literally writhing in her chair and making noises (mumbling) and when she was done she sat up straight, took a deep breath and said "ooook" . Like she had to work to gather herself. I don't particularly think there is anything "wrong" with counter transference (or again , feelings) as a matter of fact, it can even be flattering. However, I think if the T experiencing it doesn't handle it the right way...it can be damaging to both the therapeutic relationship and the client. It seems to me that your ex T could have handled this situation with a bit more grace & compassion. I'm so sorry you're hurt over this.

So you terminated, and now you are getting together again to talk about your former t's counter-transference? Just trying to understand.

I would be interested in hearing from my former t about if he experienced anything like this, but at the same time, sometimes these things really are better left unknown. One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't type situations. If the former t did not experience counter-transference, that makes me unlovable/undesirable. If he did that is difficult to accept and respond to. Because where do you go from there?

Does that make any sense? Glad you are exploring these issues regardless. Thanks for your post and the topic! And good luck with your former t, let us know how it goes- I, for one, am interested.

Awkward for her certainly. She did not want to discuss it. At all. I was blinded by the transference at the time and picked up that she thought I would hate her and think she was a ***** (an old, fat ***** to be precise). I was more concerned with reassuring her that I didn't hate her. Now I'm angry, back then, I was just worried about her.

You said it LM. You have no idea how bad this can be. I was very lucky to have two other Ts in the practice question what was happening. I stood to lose quite a lot at the time.

Well, if correctly handled, the client never becomes aware of it, and it's never an issue. But in this case (and in mine) it ran amok and destroyed the therapeutic alliance. Mine was never repaired and remains a painful wound. Hopefully Clinpsycstudent will be able to get some proper closure to help with healing.

I think you hit the nail on the head, JustShakey!

It is incredibly damaging. I think I perhaps mentioned this in a previous post (so sorry if I am repeating myself!) but she meantioned after we ended that she terminated me suspecting that I was being reinforced by just being around her. But also because I was doing well and was nearing the end of therapy.

Actually, I felt quite betrayed that she never told me this. If I wasn't doing well - would she have still terminated me? Seems to me know that it was her "opportunity" to terminate me as soon as I said, "I am doing well" with her saying - "It's so expensive anyway" Jeez..... making it sound better that I am out of there?! I didn't even know that was my termination appt - she had everything for me ready to fill out.

Angelicgoldfish05 - Yes, I will make sure to update you all on the session! I am surprised she wanted to even see me again. My PDoc said, "We both needed to talk it through" - so that is what will happen! And I fully understand when you say about a counter-transference admittance from T - it is difficult either way!
For myself, I really don't mind HOW she was feeling - IF it was anything at all. I feel though it is important to understand why things happened the way they did. Perhaps I am becoming too psychologist-y on her?
I think if she had feelings - it would have been incredibly challenging for me, as I was already dealing with an ex-professor that me and her had strong feelings towards each other. I was struggling to accept my sexuality too - so if I had to put myself into her perspective and I had feelings towards the client with these issues - I would very much struggle with it. (If I was straight and having these feelings for the first time too, its tough) The client is struggling, the T is struggling... the only way to 'fix' it - is to not see that person again.
Things get VERY messy - very quickly!

And I am not even sure how she knew that "my feelings were being reinforced by her" - we hardly talked about it. That might of not being the case at all - there could of being a range of reasons. I never gave her the line, "My feelings get stronger everytime I see you" - that was simply her educated 'guess' - or her counter-transference?

My T has mentioned his count-transference.. which, really is a normal phenomenon in any relationship. Nothing romantic, and to be honest my feelings go back and forth on whether or not a T should tell their clients about any romantic feelings in general towards the client. I am no expert though, and never have been in that situation.

So true, healed84! Transference/counter-transference exists in any sort of relationship! (We just never use the words - "Hey, I have transference feelings towards you!" Ha ha) All part of the human connection and understanding