[tinyrabbit]

Hey everyone. I was wondering about how you feel about the prospect of one day losing your T. Does it bother you? How do you cope if so?

I brought this up in my session today. I told my T it's really hard to let myself get attached to him because I know I'm going to lose him one day. I've been in therapy for 1.5 years and have a long way to go, but one day I'll be done with therapy. He's a real person, not a blank slate, and he's the first safe attachment I've ever had in my life really. It's painful knowing that, ultimately, I'm part of his job and he's not someone who's in my life.

My T said that, whatever happens, in a way he will always be with me and I will always be with him. That he will never terminate me without warning (he's in private practice so in control of this himself) and he expects we will spend a minimum of one year preparing for the end of therapy.

He's assured me that, if he dies unexpectedly, someone will tell me - but I wanted to know what will happen if he dies after I leave therapy, will someone let me know, will I be able to go to his funeral, or will I potentially find out he's died, I didn't know and I've missed his funeral? He said he might need to leave instructions to inform me, and that this might be part of what we agree when I leave therapy.

He also said all relationships involve loss, whether someone leaves or someone dies - every relationship in life comes to an end. But therapy is different because you know it's going to end from the start. I figure that my therapy age (as opposed to, say, a mental age) is pretty young right now, and one day I might be ready to fly the therapeutic nest. But right now it feels like I'm being expected to get attached to someone who I need to get attached to, but who is going to leave me, and that's painful, and there's no way to make it not painful.

So I guess I just wondered if anyone else has any feelings on this, and how you've coped with it.

[stopdog]

The ones I see are both old enough to make death a real possibility. Of course, I am old enough that it would not be a super tragedy if I died unexpectedly. I have talked to each of them about it, but I see it like any other situation where other people are involved - people move, die, have life changes themselves and so forth. One grieves and goes on. It may the one area I see that is like real life. There are no guarantees and permanence is an illusion.

[Leah123]

I worry my therapist might become seriously ill or pass away, she is in her mid 60s. I would miss her dearly and grieve her like family.

I don't plan on "losing" her otherwise though: our therapy is open ended, and when I don't feel the need to see her so often, I'll just see her less. If I feel like I don't want to see her at all, I will not, though I don't forsee that happening: I'd like to keep in touch with her and share my life with her, keep her updated and hear how she's doing like I would with anyone dear to me.

I'm very glad to be in a therapeutic relationship that doesn't feel like there will be some arbitrary, fixed ending. It does seem unnatural, more I suppose, based on a medical model of healing: once the broken bone's mended, one doesn't see that specialist anymore.

My therapy is a bit more like a mentorship I'd say, and I would always like to keep in touch with my mentor.

My T will probably retire in the next few years, and I'm okay with that. I've had two other wonderful therapists in the past that I had to end with due to other circumstances, and what I found is that it is possible to move on and there are other therapists to be found if needed.

No relationship is permanent, as much as we'd like them to be. People change, move, retire, and die. Having been through losing my sister, by far the greatest loss I've ever experienced, I've learned that grief is part of the experience of life. And honestly, I can't imagine for a minute that losing my therapist would in any way be as painful as losing my sister. Perspective helps.

I'm honestly more worried about replacing my pdoc once he retires (he and T are about the same age). He will be much harder to find an equivalent for than my therapists. Pdocs are hard to get into in the first place; really excellent pdocs are even harder to find.

[LifeIsCruel]

I look forward to it!!!

After all, they are about as beneficial as screen wire in the lining of a boat bottom.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Hey everyone. I was wondering about how you feel about the prospect of one day losing your T. Does it bother you? How do you cope if so?

Yes it bothers me a great deal. It bothers me about life in general that I will say goodbye to everyone one day . But it does feel even harder with T maybe because I only have an hour a week and he could quit, or quit me, or move, and maybe just because I need him so much right now, I look forward to seeing him, he's the highlight of my week.

I'm not sure I cope super well, haha. For the most part though you have to ask yourself would you rather have loved and lost or never loved at all? There is no easy way out in this life. Up's and downs are inevitable. When I find myself mourning for him in the future in some made up scenario I try to bring myself into the present. Be kind to yourself!

It will get easier I hope, it has gotten a bit easier for me as time has gone on... as I get older...

[tinyrabbit]

My therapy is open-ended, and I could keep going until my therapist dies, but I'm not sure I actually want to pay for therapy forever. I know the door will never be totally closed, as once I said if I had terminated therapy and then a few years later I had a bad day and contacted him he wouldn't care, and he said I was wrong.

I suppose the problem is that, while there doesn't need to be any kind of ending, certainly not an arbitrary one, it's ultimately a relationship I pay money for.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I've learned that grief is part of the experience of life. And honestly, I can't imagine for a minute that losing my therapist would in any way be as painful as losing my sister. Perspective helps.

I don't speak to my family of origin because they are all toxic and horrible. And while I think it's great to have perspective, the problem is that my T is a really great person who I feel very close to, and I can't stand the idea of having to lose him one day. Maybe I'll just go to therapy forever.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I don't speak to my family of origin because they are all toxic and horrible. And while I think it's great to have perspective, the problem is that my T is a really great person who I feel very close to, and I can't stand the idea of having to lose him one day. Maybe I'll just go to therapy forever.

I have this issue too, and it is very hard for me. I've always felt like my neediness stems from not having a family that loved me, so I always felt so desperate and alone. I've felt like I needed a person to "anchor" me in life, and right now that seems to be my T, which is a far second best to having a real family.

[brillskep]

I cope in the same way I cope with having to lose the others in my life. I try to enjoy what I have now as much as I can. I assume that, if we end therapy because we choose to, I will be ready for it. Otherwise, should something come up, I suppose that's the risk that comes with caring about another person. I don't like it but I can't enjoy the relationship without it. I think it's worth it.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I don't speak to my family of origin because they are all toxic and horrible. And while I think it's great to have perspective, the problem is that my T is a really great person who I feel very close to, and I can't stand the idea of having to lose him one day. Maybe I'll just go to therapy forever.

I was speaking of my own perspective only. Being a mother and wife, and having come close on several occasions to losing my husband and my sons under various circumstances, I've experienced a depth of absolute fear and crushing loss that was entirely overwhelming. The losses of such close loved ones has and will be utterly devastating for me.

I care about my therapist a great deal and will feel a loss whenever our relationship ends, but it just isn't the same kind of relationship. I won't feel like my heart and soul has been ripped out of me like I felt with my sister or when I almost lost my husband or when we thought my son was missing and I was handing over his picture to the police. The impact just won't be that gut wrenching. Does that make sense? That's the personal perspective I'm speaking of when I speak of how I will react to the loss of my T.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I have this issue too, and it is very hard for me. I've always felt like my neediness stems from not having a family that loved me, so I always felt so desperate and alone. I've felt like I needed a person to "anchor" me in life, and right now that seems to be my T, which is a far second best to having a real family.

I could have written every word of this post. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I'm so sorry you can relate.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I care about my therapist a great deal and will feel a loss whenever our relationship ends, but it just isn't the same kind of relationship. I won't feel like my heart and soul has been ripped out of me like I felt with my sister or when I almost lost my husband or when we thought my son was missing and I was handing over his picture to the police. The impact just won't be that gut wrenching. Does that make sense? That's the personal perspective I'm speaking of when I speak of how I will react to the loss of my T.

It makes perfect sense and I'm sorry if I seemed in any way not to understand. It's just my T is kind of like the good-enough parent I didn't have, and the thought of losing him is second only to the thought of losing my husband.

[HazelGirl]

Denial. That's how I cope.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

My therapy is open-ended, and I could keep going until my therapist dies, but I'm not sure I actually want to pay for therapy forever. I know the door will never be totally closed, as once I said if I had terminated therapy and then a few years later I had a bad day and contacted him he wouldn't care, and he said I was wrong.

I suppose the problem is that, while there doesn't need to be any kind of ending, certainly not an arbitrary one, it's ultimately a relationship I pay money for.


I don't speak to my family of origin because they are all toxic and horrible. And while I think it's great to have perspective, the problem is that my T is a really great person who I feel very close to, and I can't stand the idea of having to lose him one day. Maybe I'll just go to therapy forever.

All relationships have costs. Teachers, doctors, family, friends, lovers.... none are without reciprocation. In therapy, we reciprocate with money, which is unusual, but no relationships are free. I don't believe even the parental ones are free.... they're typically predicated on a fair amount of obedience and adherence to values among other things, though they're certainly arguably the closest to not needing any reciprocation. In my case, now that I think about it, the cost of having my mother back would be much much higher than the cost of having my therapist. My mother is a much worse return on investment, ha. My therapist is a relative bargain.

[sweepy62]

I have lost 2 so far, in the middle of trauma work back to back with deep connections, i was hurt for both seperations, I think i might be immune now lol

[QuietCat]

Am going through this issue right now. I've been in therapy for just over 3 years and I really struggled those first few years with allowing myself to trust or get too attached to T because I knew eventually therapy would end and there is no point getting too attached to a person who will just be gone in a few years. I even asked T several times if he was going to die or retire anytime soon. I know you can't predict death but retirement seemed easy to predict. T assured me he wouldn't retire because he loves his work too much.

This week T tells me he's thinking about retirement in the next year or so.
I like to think I'm not that attached to T and I'll deal with it, but I'm definitely feeling like I'm a little boat out on high waters of the ocean without him around.

[Asiablue]

I have to lose my T one day? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
She doesn't know it yet, but she's kinda stuck with me. :P

But failing that, like Hazelgirl i appreciate a health dose of denial.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I have to lose my T one day? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
She doesn't know it yet, but she's kinda stuck with me. :P

But failing that, like Hazelgirl i appreciate a health dose of denial.

Glad I'm not the only one

I don't think about how she's probably in her early to mid 50's and how that means she's getting older. I don't think about how one day, I will hopefully be well enough to not need her. And I don't think about the possibility of some unforeseen accident taking her away. Nope. Never gonna happen. *La la la la la*

[nottrustin]

It scares the crap out of me. Especially since she has been quite sick this year. Two years ago I lost my pcp and it was EXTREMELY difficult. She was the first person I ever really opened up to regarding my past. She was very gentle and understanding and eventually helped me to have the courage to talk to a T.

I realized a long time that in reality I can never have faith that anybody will be around "forever" for me. After losing pcp I realized that even more. We had a great relationship and talked a lot even outside of the dr./patient relationship as we both worked for the same health care system and had kids about the same age etc. So to be honest lately I have been very careful with my feelings and emotions with T.

[coolibrarian]

I deal with it by trying not to think about it. Thanks for bringing it up, lol! Just kidding. I asked her recently if she's planning on retiring anytime soon, and she said no, and then we talked about why I asked that. Also, I want to add, just because your T is "old" doesn't mean they are at greater risk for dying than a young T. Anyone can die at any time, unfortunately.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

I deal with it by trying not to think about it. Thanks for bringing it up, lol! Just kidding. I asked her recently if she's planning on retiring anytime soon, and she said no, and then we talked about why I asked that. Also, I want to add, just because your T is "old" doesn't mean they are at greater risk for dying than a young T. Anyone can die at any time, unfortunately.

Well, actually yes, it does statistically mean they're at greater risk of death. That's not to say that individual deaths are predictable: one therapist could live to be 100, and another die at 50, but the odds, themselves, favor the middle aged, not seniors. My therapist is 67, so it is a concern, though I try to keep it proportionate.

U.S. Death Rates by Age Group

[pbutton]

During my time in therapy I've found that I'm able to do things that I would have once figured would be impossible for me. So I imagine that at some point I will be ready to leave and it won't feel as agonizing as it would seem right now. I will have changed and the time will be right.

Plus, having been forced to switch T's has taught me that it is possible to change therapists. The connection won't be the same, but it can be just as good in different ways.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for all the responses. I've been mulling over this and I think two things from my session really helped. Firstly the fact my T said that, in a way, he will always be with me and I will always be with him - it helped that he said both parts of that.

And also that he's willing to make sure I'm told when he dies so I can attend his funeral, as otherwise I would feel like my loss was worth less. It probably is from his family's point of view but not from MY point of view. I don't mean my loss would be bigger than his family's, just that it would be a big deal for me within the context of my life.

[harvest moon]

Denial for me as well. My T is 73. Denial rocks!

[RTerroni]

Well I just did lose my Therapist this week (she took a job somewhere else) and it is very hard to cope with the fact but I keep reminding myself that I will be starting with a new Therapist next week.

Count me in among the deniers. I know my T must be nearing retirement age but he has said that he expects for us to meet for several more years, and that termination, when it comes, will be a very gradual process.