[DelusionsDaily]

Hi all...sorry to bother you. I had T today at 5 and within 5 minutes of starting I started crying and cried the entire time to some degree.

I was honest with her about the multiple signs of depression I could see in me. She had me rate my depression 0-10...0-no depression and 10-the worst depression ever and I rated honestly at a 7.

From there we discovered that a LARGE portion of this depression is situational with grandma being outside the home for care. As well as my entire being...being defined by my caregiving for grandma. Continued talk around grandma led to near hysterical crying periodically.

I'm confused about what to do? Pull away or enmesh more with grandma. Seeing grandma is the only relief I get from all these insane feelings. Yet will only at some point create more intensely painful emotions if I continue to enmesh with grandma.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As well as lots of other things to think about like...

What am I passionate about?

How to find purpose in my life without attaching it to someone or something?

Is caregiving really what I should be doing anymore?

How to un-enmesh myself from grandma without completely losing it?

Etc, etc, etc...

Sorry this got long but thanks for reading.

[stopdog]

I think they like it when clients cry.

[growlycat]

Sorry you are in so much pain right now.

I'm also working on life-rebalancing in CBT. Work has taken over my life and I need to rebalance.

Homework this week is for me to make 2 pie charts---one diving up my life as it is now (probably looks like 80% work, 10% sleep, 2% friends, 2% family etc.)

The other pie chart is what I think I want my life to look like (50% work, 50% real life)

If pie chart # 2 is too daunting, CBT T wants me to make a list of anything that peaks my interest or curiosity (a glassblowing class, volunteering, etc)

You don't have to do or change anything right away with this exercise , it is just meant as a starting place, to reevaluate what your life could be.

Wishing you and grandma peace and a gentle transition.

[Bill3]

How possible would it be for you see and care for grandma without enmeshing?

[smmath]

Hugs dear

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks everyone!

Stopdog: Actually this is the first time ever crying in therapy like this and she looked genuinely concerned

Growlycat: that sounds like a good assignment. Right now the pain is so unbearable I don't think I could focus enough right now.

Bill3: that is the ultimate question. Along with how to un-enmesh while still care taking/seeing grandma. Have to give lots of thought to that.

Smmath: thanks for the hugs.

[HazelGirl]

It sounds like you find your self-worth and value in taking care of your grandmother, which sounds like codependence from my perspective. What would it take for you to find purpose, self-worth, and value outside of taking care of your grandmother?

[Wysteria]

Hey Melisssad...

I wouldn't call loving and caring about your grandmother as enmeshment. You obviously have a very loving relationship...that is okay and she has been there for you in the past. I think you are very kind and concerned and a great source of comfort to her. Perhaps, it is just the cycle of life...the coming and going and living and dying and fear of the future that is really the problem...
No matter what happens, these days with her will always remain in her heart and yours....
But yes, you do need to balance it with being able to love and care for yourself and others in your life. Find ways to ask for and allow for others to help her and her to help herself when she can and keep her dignity. Taking that away from others and your grandmother is not care-giving, but care-taking...just a little reminder.
If we love hard, we will grieve hard...but you know you have done the right things by her if you do it in a healthy manner, and she loves you and you will not have any regrets which is a true blessing...
There is always some vulnerability in truly loving someone, but it is worth it in the end.

Don't fret...love her and allow her to live and pass with grace, dignity and the knowledge that she has lived well and is very loved. What a beautiful gift...

You are stronger than you will ever know.

Gentle hugs...
wb

[sweepy62]

Sorry for the pain you are going through right now, at least you let your emotions out in a safe place with your therapist, and that is good, dont bottle it up. Emeshment does not have to be a bad thing, as long as you can seperate it and not let it be a co dependendant thing, if I am making any sense here, my t was explaining that to me, she made sense , but I cant remember how she put it.
Its how we lose ourselves in someone elses person, that we no longer feel ourselves, and it becomes all about them, and then it becomes unhealthy for both people. I know you love your grandma. You need to care for yourself also emotionally and physically, so you can continue being there for her in a healthy way melissa.
As you know I am going through a very rough situation, the only thing is I am not emotionally vested, but all the feelings of anxiety and fear, and the unknown of when my husbands mother will pass is raw, I live in anxiety constantly.
I bottle up my feelings, my h as well. Theres this giant elephant in the room in this house, its like something is going to explode any minute.

I hope you keep posting to vent its good for you, to get all those emotions out, sending you hugs mellissa.

[DelusionsDaily]

HazelGirl: I have no idea how to find those things outside of taking care of grandma. That's what T and I are going to start working on.

Wysteria: I do love and care about her. I I just need to find my center and have her be part of it not all of it. And I will definitely grieve hard but that's my worst fear. I mean if I can't handle her being away and alive how in the world am I going to handle the permanency of her dying when that time comes. You are definitely right about not having any regrets...I'm doing my absolute best for her.

Sweepy: I wish you the best in your situation. Emotionally vested or not caregiving is stressful and difficult but can also be very rewarding. Unfortunately my anxiety flipped to depression about a week and a half ago. Take care of yourself too. I am trying to get back on track with taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I will be prepping food for the week so it is quick healthy grab and go food. Rice, quinoa, and lentils precooked, and some steamed vegetables precooked. That way all I gotta do it heat it up, eat and run. And it's healthy. Get my exercise bike together and start exercising again.

Might be going out of town over night tonight only 2 hours away but enough to clear my head and regroup. We'll see.

Thanks for the support everyone.

[Freewilled]

You're not a crybaby Your time with T is a space to feel whatever it is that you feel.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks Freewilled! I know and I so appreciate that space. I just DESPISE crying at least for myself. Emotions are running VERY high between the depression setting in and grandma being outside the home temporarily for care. I wish I could be more understanding of and compassionate toward myself and my emotions right now. Just not happening though. I'll get through this...it's just difficult.

[DelusionsDaily]

Wow! Only 20 minutes on my bike yesterday and I felt much better! My goal is 2 20 minute rides a day at least 3 days a week. 20 minutes was all I could do yesterday so I will work up to 40-60minutes rides but until then I'll do 2 20 minute rides and work up.

It is truly amazing how much better I feel after 1 workout! Definitely need to continue!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

Wow! Only 20 minutes on my bike yesterday and I felt much better!

It is truly amazing how much better I feel after 1 workout! Definitely need to continue!

It IS amazing! I swam for really the first time yesterday (lazing by the pool with friends is not exercising!) and i already felt stronger this morning. Its hard at this weight to find something not overly tiring. This time i didnt rush myself - i lost a few pounds getting my eating right first. My dr put me on a triglyceride-lowering med - i think that is helping too, if only as a placebo.