For me, it's very intense. I don't know why...is there a bell curve of transference intensity in relation to perceived losses? And also, does maternal transference ever lessen? We have been talking about it a little more lately. We have talked about it before, too. It's not a secret. But sometimes it's so intense that it physically aches. I wonder when it will start to decrease. Will I always think of her in such a maternal way?

[jacq10]

(((PumpkinEater)))

I understand and hear what you are saying about maternal transference. I'm not sure exactly about a bell curve, but (I think) there is definitely a strong correlation between transference and perceived loss... after all, if there wasn't a perceived loss of some kind, would we even have transference?

This is an ongoing area that I have explored with a couple of different T's over the last 6-7 years. I had always thought that the reason I so strongly identified and idealized my female T's was because of some need that I never got from my mother. I still believe this is true. For most of the 6-7 years, I also wasn't in a significant relationship with a partner, and so I felt very strongly a physical ache or need to be held my T. I thought this would dissipate once I was in a relationship..... in some sense it did as part of my needs were being met.... but still, I long to be held by T. This leads me to think that this other need of mine... will largely always exist. - but, it's not as strong (per see) as it was before...

It's hard to hear, but from my experience, the only way to de-intensify the physical ache and transference I feel with T, is to try and fulfill those needs by other people in my life. What do you do in the meantime? ... Talk to your T about it.. it can be very healing.

Hugs,
Jacq

[Freewilled]

I'm sorry it's so painful I have transference as well but not sure if its maternal, or what (?) How do you know it's maternal? I ache physically sometimes when I think about T and therapy. I feel like there's a big gaping wound that's bleeding out all over but nobody cares. Sometimes I wish I could just rest my head on my Ts shoulder but I never will be able to. That hurts in and of itself.

[FeelTheBurn]

If you and your T work with it, and don't try to suppress it, the pain will lessen and it will get better. I know it hurts, I can absolutely relate. Be gentle with yourself and stay open to working with it.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. Therapy is so hard sometimes. I feel the need to distance myself from my therapist again. This is too much. I feel so utterly, deeply sad about everything that was lost and the things I wont' get back.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. Therapy is so hard sometimes. I feel the need to distance myself from my therapist again. This is too much. I feel so utterly, deeply sad about everything that was lost and the things I wont' get back.

I can absolutely relate to this. Thank you so much for posting. I'm sorry I don't have any positive advice - just to say I relate to this exactly and you are not alone and it's massively reassuring to know I am not alone in these feelings.

[Restin]

Jaq10, about seeking outside relationships as the answer to the agony of transference: I've been reading a ton of articles...scholarly, that is, by the recent experts on transference, such as Michael Balint, Bolby, Richard Chessick, Kohut, and Winnicott. I have trouble with transference and have desperately needed to know how it really plays out. You can be reassured. It isn't finding friends that solves your transference. I'm sure you've found out how painful that thought is, even. What resolves it is going through it with your T for a long time. As long as it takes.
Then, you may come to a settling of your feelings, where it doesn't feel so desperate an attachment. If you get independent, it will be your wish, not something that is forced on you. But I know even that is unthinkable for now. But don't worry about it. Just stay in therapy and keep talking.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you so much for this, Restin. I am still struggling with this and it aches inside me. I am seeing T tomorrow and desperately feel the need to tell her how I feel about her. I have hinted by telling her how important she is to me and how I feel too dependent on her. But she has super stringent boundaries and I am afraid she will pull back even more. She never gives me any maternal type touch or hugs or anything really! I also really want to ask her for a hug. But I just can't bear to be told no. As I am sure she will say no.

This is made more intense as she is going away in two weeks for six weeks then I am away for a couple of weeks and I really want to get this out there before our break. I have been seeing her for 15 months. We have agreed to discuss whether we continue or not (her decision) in December.

I know she is very professional and safe and she just sees me as a client, nothing more. This hurts so very much. How do we get to that point where it doesn't ache. I have had this as long as I can remember - female teachers, bosses, etc.

Thank you for your post. It is really interesting.

Should I try to tell her tomorrow? And what on earth do I say? Any suggestions very gratefully received and pocket riders welcome!!!! Xx

[JustShakey]

Alone, I have similar issues with women. I want to be close, but I'm afraid they'll be disgusted by me. For me the transference is a lot more manageable working with a male T. It's still slow going though.

Have you told her about your past issues/desires towards women? (And no, I don't mean anything erotic, just the desire for closeness). I think you should tell her how much you are going to miss her and how much you want to ask for a hug, but that you're afraid she'll say no. Who knows,she may surprise you. In my experience Ts don't respond much or at all to hints. They want you to own your needs. And even if she does say no I think the asking would be a huge step for you and would help you feel better in itself.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Restin

Jaq10, about seeking outside relationships as the answer to the agony of transference: I've been reading a ton of articles...scholarly, that is, by the recent experts on transference, such as Michael Balint, Bolby, Richard Chessick, Kohut, and Winnicott. I have trouble with transference and have desperately needed to know how it really plays out. You can be reassured. It isn't finding friends that solves your transference. I'm sure you've found out how painful that thought is, even. What resolves it is going through it with your T for a long time. As long as it takes.

This sounds good for like 50 minutes a week.

[Favorite Jeans]

I appreciate your insights from your research Restin. But it seems too easy and self-serving for all those old school fathers of psychotherapy to just say that the answer is more therapy. I mean does anyone ever follow up with the folks who leave therapy because of transference issues and try to address their needs in some other way? Has anyone created an alternative intervention (to just more therapy) and evaluated what happens with the intensity of transference? I mean these guys have contributed a lot to the field and have some brilliant ideas. What they do not have is rock solid methodology.

Without a comparator group it's hard to call this stuff science. It's kind of more like religion: you just have to keep on believing and when things go awry you take it as a sign to double down on your faith. Which is fine for some I guess, but having faith isn't my style. So the transference thing wigs me right out and I feel skeptical when folks say that the answer is just more therapy. OTOH it's not like I have a much better idea though!

In my case, it has lessened to the point of almost being gone with time and talking about it and working on my "mother issues". I have gotten to a point in early March where I was able to finally forgive my mom for a lot of stuff from when I was a kid. It was hard-won, this forgiveness, but I got there after a lot of hard work! I am finally finally finally in a place where I am thankful that T is my T, and I would not trade our therapy relationship for anything in the world. So, it took 2 years and 8 months to get here lol it does get better though. It really does!

[always_wondering]

I am a Transference addict. I did not get enough bonding from my Mother. Funny, she was not a horrible, abusive mother - just not really there for me. Then comes along my T - my whole world changed. I went through all of the phases and now in my second year I have accepted the transference.

I go and see my T, not really for any other reason than to get to the core of this transference thing. I have a feeling I will be with him a long time! I won't see him for 2 weeks now and the thought is killing me. I was going to ask for a second session this week, so I could cut the two weeks by a few days, and then I thought, I have to grow up and get through this! So..my big idea of the day is to carry a beautiful big stone. Anytime I get the big pain of missing him, I grab the stone and hold it (like it's his hand)! How pathetic, but it helps a little. So it's me, my family, my dog and stone for the next two weeks.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I'm sorry it's so painful I have transference as well but not sure if its maternal, or what (?) How do you know it's maternal? I ache physically sometimes when I think about T and therapy. I feel like there's a big gaping wound that's bleeding out all over but nobody cares. Sometimes I wish I could just rest my head on my Ts shoulder but I never will be able to. That hurts in and of itself.

being held by your T SEEMS like it would be fantastic, and at first it is. but it encourages that maternal transference, and then when they later take it away and say you have bad boundaries for wanting it, it hurts worse than never having experienced it would have.

[precaryous]

I have a very active inner child. I've learned to accept that.

I feel I will always have a maternal/mentor transference with one PrevT in particular....and probably with NewT, as well.

[precaryous]

Is the goal, then, disclosing, depending, feeling, learning from our T's for a time, so we can later hold them in our hearts and minds after we part? In the process we may also learn to hold ourselves?

[likelife]

My anecdotal evidence, with a n of 1, is that finding the right therapist was essential in resolving (or at least mostly resolving) years and years of maternal transference stuff.

I was with my former T for 6 years, and in that time, the intensity and pain I experienced in the transference with her became excruciating. I was in therapy mostly to try to find some resolution to those feelings. I get now that her style, combined with my needs, was never going to promote the kind of resolution I was seeking.

I've seen my current T for a little over a year, and although there have been times when I've felt those same maternal longings with her, it's never been anywhere near as intense as it was with my ex-T. My T now is very open about how she feels about me (I.e., she openly demonstrates positive regard). Over time I've come to internalize that regard. I still have a desire to be held (just generally, not necessarily by her), to be loved in a way that my mom hasn't really ever been able to do. But I'm ok with that desire (again, for the most part), and it's brought about a lot of peace for me.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Is the goal, then, disclosing, depending, feeling, learning from our T's for a time, so we can later hold them in our hearts and minds after we part? In the process we may also learn to hold ourselves?

yes, exactly. only those of us with bpd have a lot of trouble internalizing an nurturer introject...its easier to internalize the perpetrator and tell ourselves bad things.