[InRealLife45]

Does anyone do this with their T?

To have a set fee/length for e-mails?

Should there be a fee to send an e-mail/for her to read it? Or only for her to reply to it?

What should that email fee be, if the session fee is $120? (Or 87.50 when insurance pays).

She's expressed a lot of resentment regarding my emailing/texting, so I'm trying to stop doing it completely, but I know there will be times when I give in, so I want to have a payment schedule in place for those times.-so she doesn't feel taken advantage of for me getting too much of her time (for free) outside session.

It would not be up to you to set that payment schedule. That would be up to your therapist. If she does not want you emailing, then you need to respect that boundary.

[unlockingsanity]

I think it would be up to your therapist to set these boundaries.

I would like to encourage you to talk about your emailing with her and discuss why you feel you need it and ask her about her boundaries about out of session contact.

If you feel she is a bit frustrated with your emailing, then it's best to go in with a non-confrontational approach, like saying why it is beneficial for you to email but explain you want to respect her boundaries and were curious what her thoughts are about it.

[HazelGirl]

Why is she feeling frustrated? Are you emailing a lot? Or is she getting burned out?

Either way, this sounds like she hasn't done a good job of establishing boundaries and is taking it out on you.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

She's expressed a lot of resentment regarding my emailing/texting, so I'm trying to stop doing it completely, but I know there will be times when I give in, so I want to have a payment schedule in place for those times.-so she doesn't feel taken advantage of for me getting too much of her time (for free) outside session.

Did your T tell you it was ok to text/email at some point and then change her mind? A T should make that kind of thing very clear to a client in the beginning of therapy so there is no confusion. And if she did change her mind re: texting/emailing being ok, a clear explanation should be provided and then boundaries for future correspondence should be set. What is she doing/saying to show that she feels resentful?

[Leah123]

I pay for email sessions with my therapist. Her regular session fee is $100 per hour, and that's low for her level of experience (20+ years) and qualifications, but she doesn't accept insurance, so it makes her more competitive with providers who do.

We collaborate on pricing and the range has been from $35 to $100.

Her baseline is $35. In a $35 email session I might typically send one lengthy initial email (maybe 500-1000 words), she'd reply with perhaps a couple paragraphs, I'd send a brief reply and request an invoice. She'd send the invoice with a brief 'thank you' or encouraging message.

It does vary a fair amount though, depending on the situation.

My actual email sessions got to stretch longer and be more complex than that. I would initially do two extensive email sessions per week at $50 each, she's offered me a discount at this point, so I do one long thread over three days for $50 a week during the gap between our Monday and Friday sessions.

It's a great value for her time.

Paying for email sessions definitely helps keep boundaries healthy, maintains balance in the relationship, gives me a sense of entitlement to high quality, consistent replies, and works well to keep her up to speed on my experiences and concerns, while letting me maintain that connection with her that I so value.

P.S. I believe there should be a fee for her to read an email, because that takes up her time. However, I personally wouldn't use email in that manner: when I write to her, I want a reply so that's what I pay for. If she were just reading an email with no reply, I would feel comfortable with maybe being billed for 15 minutes of her time, unless it was like a novella. But as others have said, it's really up to the therapist to set the fees.

[grimtopaz]

As someone else said, if the therapist is willing to answer an email/text per fee, she should let you know.

I have never emailed or texted my therapist, but her contract states that emails that take her longer than 10 minutes to reply to will be billed based on her session rate.

She makes $200 per fifty minutes, so a 10 minute email would be a fifth of $200 (so $40).

[Freewilled]

How often were you emailing/texting her? Did she ask you to stop? Mine allows me to email or text whenever and does not charge. I asked for clarity around it all and he said he did not feel it was a concern with me. But I don't email/text more than 1x/mo at this point. He said he feels it's part of the relationship/job or whatever he called it. He said if it became a concern, he'd let me know or something like that....I think all Ts are different on this. I wouldn't feel comfortable paying for emails/texts. I also believe it's part of the process but I understand that Ts have a right to their boundaries. That said, I think they should be very clear with clients on what those boundaries are and that part is NOT the client's responsibility.

[scorpiosis37]

It sounds as though your T's frustration is probably related to the frequency of your e-mails and/or a general dislike for using e-mails as a therapeutic tool. I don't think establishing a fee for e-mails would solve the problem here. I would recommend asking your T what HER boundaries are around e-mail and then respecting whatever guidelines she lays out.

My T allows e-mail, but only a limited basis. She says it is for those rare instances when a client needs to let her know something or is having an usually difficult time and needs extra support. Since I've only sent her a handful of e-mails over a span of 4 years, she says our use of e-mail has been appropriate and she has always responded. However, she has said that if a client tries to use e-mail too often (i.e. every week), she will establish strict boundaries around e-mail. She says it becomes a problem when the client wants to use it regularly instead of on rare occasions. I told my T to "let me know" if I ever e-mail too much but, so far, she says it has been "the right amount." She has never charged me for the e-mails. Since they are pretty rare, I think she considers them a part of the general therapy package, like the occasional phone call.

[InRealLife45]

Recently I have not e-mailed as much as I had in past months (7 e-mails in April, 9 in May, more now, in June, but they were in response to her telling me via e-mail that my insurance wouldn't pay anymore so we were done unless I had cash).

Yes, initially she said I could text and email, and we did almost daily, and then she changed her mind and said "stop bugging me", you can only text for scheduling, you can only send three emails a week and no reply.

My problem with this is I'm trying to get used to not needing her btwn sessions and not communicating digitally, but then SHE will e-mail me or text ME and I dont want to talk that way at all if its such a problem for her.

We did talk about me paying for the emails, but she never emails with clients (except me) so doesnt have a fee for it, so she told me to think about what I want from email contact and what I would be willing to pay for it, and we can discuss it next session.

But I dont know.

If I pay, I want a response-not 1-3 lines but a real response.

As for sent e-mails- I'm not sure bc my emails are typically very short, just a few lines. Sometimes they're several paragraphs. Should they be charged the same to be read regardless of length or, or a certain fee based on length?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

It sounds as though your T's frustration is probably related to the frequency of your e-mails and/or a general dislike for using e-mails as a therapeutic tool. I don't think establishing a fee for e-mails would solve the problem here. I would recommend asking your T what HER boundaries are around e-mail and then respecting whatever guidelines she lays out.

My T allows e-mail, but only a limited basis. She says it is for those rare instances when a client needs to let her know something or is having an usually difficult time and needs extra support. Since I've only sent her a handful of e-mails over a span of 4 years, she says our use of e-mail has been appropriate and she has always responded. However, she has said that if a client tries to use e-mail too often (i.e. every week), she will establish strict boundaries around e-mail. She says it becomes a problem when the client wants to use it regularly instead of on rare occasions. I told my T to "let me know" if I ever e-mail too much but, so far, she says it has been "the right amount." She has never charged me for the e-mails. Since they are pretty rare, I think she considers them a part of the general therapy package, like the occasional phone call.

she says she allowed it initially bc she thought it would help me open up/we could get to know each other faster, but it never translated into me talking in session and ive got into the habit of only disclosing important things via email and i have to learn to do it in session.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Either way, this sounds like she hasn't done a good job of establishing boundaries and is taking it out on you.

shes frustrated bc at first i iodolized her, then we had a huge rupture and i shifted (in a borderline way) into frequent bouts of rage directed at her, as well as consistently (day 1 of two years) insisting that she doesnt care about me and wants me to leave, and that she has shown me 10,000 different ways that she cares and is committed to me DESPITE my accusations, hostility and resistance to treatment, but no matter what she does or how she shows me it JUST DOESNT SINK IN, it doesnt affect me, and that she became a therapist to help people, not to be attacked or "get shot" along the way, bc it doesnt feel good.

yes i agree that she had the boundaries too lose/non existent in the beginning and is now trying to build them retroactively.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

she says she allowed it initially bc she thought it would help me open up/we could get to know each other faster, but it never translated into me talking in session and ive got into the habit of only disclosing important things via email and i have to learn to do it in session.

I can see why that became an issue: sending her daily emails without her being compensated for that time at all does seem concerning to me, as does the fact that the emails didn't lead to better in-session results.

I always talk about the same issues in email as in session, if I didn't, I think my therapist might grow concerned after a while too.

Still, it's definitely her responsibility to *professionally* not frustratedly, set those boundaries.

Also, you mention ranting at your therapist: no wonder she is bothered. I use email sessions primarily to discuss my issues. I talk about our relationship on occasion, but don't rant at her or speak abusively as a rule.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

shes frustrated bc at first i iodolized her, then we had a huge rupture and i shifted (in a borderline way) into frequent bouts of rage directed at her, as well as consistently (day 1 of two years) insisting that she doesnt care about me and wants me to leave, and that she has shown me 10,000 different ways that she cares and is committed to me DESPITE my accusations, hostility and resistance to treatment, but no matter what she does or how she shows me it JUST DOESNT SINK IN, it doesnt affect me, and that she became a therapist to help people, not to be attacked or "get shot" along the way, bc it doesnt feel good.

yes i agree that she had the boundaries too lose/non existent in the beginning and is now trying to build them retroactively.

It's much harder to build them in when they haven't been established in the beginning. Why doesn't it sink in? Why are you finding it difficult to accept her care? Have you discussed these why questions with her?

[freefallin]

I have never emailed a therapist nor had a therapist offer to allow me to email him or her. It is bizarre to me that apparently so many people do this. I had no idea.

[clairelisbeth]

My T allows me to text and email as much as I need to; she says that it's all part of the package.

I rarely email-in the nearly four years that I've been working with her, I've sent only a handful of emails that were substantive and more than a couple of sentences.

I text her a few times a month, but it varies. If I'm having a hard time and need some extra support, it might be more and if I don't, it's minimal or not at all.

I usually let my T know that I don't need an answer back if she is busy, but she always answers-I can't think of a time when she hasn't.

She has let me know that if someone that she is working with is texting/emailing/calling too much btw sessions that she wouldn't be angry. Rather, she would view it as clinical information, and she assured me that if that ever happened, she would discuss it openly with me to figure out how we can best make btw session support something that helps me most effectively .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It sounds like it has a lot less to do with wanting to be paid for her time, and a lot more to do with her wanting you to stop lashing out without reason, and to treat with her some courtesy and respect. Offering to pay her for her time totally misses her point.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

shes frustrated bc at first i iodolized her, then we had a huge rupture and i shifted (in a borderline way) into frequent bouts of rage directed at her, as well as consistently (day 1 of two years) insisting that she doesnt care about me and wants me to leave, and that she has shown me 10,000 different ways that she cares and is committed to me DESPITE my accusations, hostility and resistance to treatment, but no matter what she does or how she shows me it JUST DOESNT SINK IN, it doesnt affect me, and that she became a therapist to help people, not to be attacked or "get shot" along the way, bc it doesnt feel good.

yes i agree that she had the boundaries too lose/non existent in the beginning and is now trying to build them retroactively.

I think it's wrong of your T to blame you for something outside your control and suggest you try someone else. As your T it is her job to meet you where you are, to accept that you may attack her, and to help build trust, not simply demand it. I'm concerned about how much she actually understands borderline tendencies.

I behave like you describe in this post a lot of the time and if my T reacted like this I would be looking for a new one. Because it's not about him, or what he wants. Your T is not required to be happy or feel helpful in your therapy.

[stopdog]

I do not see why a client could not have a discussion about it with a therapist.
Perhaps knowing a client was willing to pay would have an effect on her stance.
Or you could find another who would email with you while you saw this one in person.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

It sounds like it has a lot less to do with wanting to be paid for her time, and a lot more to do with her wanting you to stop lashing out without reason, and to treat with her some courtesy and respect. Offering to pay her for her time totally misses her point.

that too, but she also wants to be paid for her time. she was quite explicit about that (but everytime ive offered to pay shes always refused, so i didnt know what to do about that. the rest... i dont know. i dont go to therapy intending to fight with her, but i AM borderline and i do have intense rage and sometimes shes..in the way. i do try to control it but sometimes it just seeps out.

i told her from day one i was borderline, bc i know that a lot of therapists dont want to work with us, and i didn't want her to feel tricked by finding it out later. several other therapists declined outright to work with me when i told them i was borderline. i think i can be very captivating sometimes and a vicious ***** the next and even if im not voicing it out loud, its in my body language. and i dont know how to control the rage. it scares me.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It's much harder to build them in when they haven't been established in the beginning. Why doesn't it sink in? Why are you finding it difficult to accept her care? Have you discussed these why questions with her?

she says my previous experience/core belief is that no one cares about me, and its so deeply ingrained that i cant recognize true caring when i see it bc it just doesn't exist in my world and she doesnt know how to help me accept/recognize it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

she says my previous experience/core belief is that no one cares about me, and its so deeply ingrained that i cant recognize true caring when i see it bc it just doesn't exist in my world and she doesnt know how to help me accept/recognize it.

A lot of that is both talking about it over and over and over again, and just her continuing to give it to you until you can absorb it. It sounds like she might not be a good T for you in the long term because she isn't willing to be patient with you and let you heal at your pace, not hers.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

she says my previous experience/core belief is that no one cares about me, and its so deeply ingrained that i cant recognize true caring when i see it bc it just doesn't exist in my world and she doesnt know how to help me accept/recognize it.

I'm sorry. I have that too - "nobody cares about me" goes through my head quite often and for no real reason that I can understand half the time. That's not your fault though. She's the one who is being paid for knowing how to help you accept it/recognize it. That's her part in this so I'm not sure why she's putting that back on you. Does she have any ideas?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I'm sorry. I have that too - "nobody cares about me" goes through my head quite often and for no real reason that I can understand half the time. That's not your fault though. She's the one who is being paid for knowing how to help you accept it/recognize it. That's her part in this so I'm not sure why she's putting that back on you. Does she have any ideas?

yea-stop fighting her. stop being resistant. stop being hostile. great in theory but i dont know how to and the only solutions shes offering are energy healing and tapping and i dont feel like its helping.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

yea-stop fighting her. stop being resistant. stop being hostile. great in theory but i dont know how to and the only solutions shes offering are energy healing and tapping and i dont feel like its helping.

How long have you been seeing her? It just seems like she might not be a good fit....but if you are attached to her or unable to switch for whatever reason, it might be a good idea to tell her the eft isn't working for you. My T seems to get annoyed/frustrated at times with my lack of attachment/dismissive tendencies. He almost reassures himself as well as me at the same time that I'm just testing him. And that it makes sense I would need to do that. Yeah - I think what's happening there is that he's definitely reassuring himself at the same time lol

I am not usually outwardly aggressive or hostile toward my T but I have my unpleasant part that definitely makes it obvious she's upset. Passive aggressive. Speaking in metaphoric symbolic crap. I've snapped at him. I've told him way in the past that I know I'm difficult and frustrating. I know he must be frustrated with me because I'm frustrated with me. That he's just a T. And Ts are human. Blah blah blah. He hasn't been perfect in response. He cracked once and it didn't go so well. We worked it out though - which is KEY. He apologized. I've apologized and he's semi-accepted (ie i would like to accept your apology, freewilled, but at the same time I think what you said was so important yadda yadda something like that lol).

It just sounds like your T, from what you've written, isn't receptive to the underlying communication of what's going on. Like she wants you to miraculously be non-resistant. I mean, I'm frustrated just thinking about a session with your T and I've not even met her!