[growlycat]

Anyone ever feel like you need something badly from your T but you can't quite name it? I'm having a hard time for some unknown reason, What do I want, anyway? A hug, to feel like someone is taking care of me, to hear "I care about you" a million billion times? I have no idea. I have been going through this for a couple of weeks now and I don't know how to put into words what I am looking for franticly.

If anyone ever feels this way, how would you define what the need is and how do you ask for what you are looking for? Thanks for your thoughts as I am eaten by a needy monster!

oh Growlycat, I feel this way often. I dont think there is 1 set answer as its such a powerful emotion that has built up over the yrs from having lots of needs left unmet.

I think for me, its just plugging away at the needs bit by bit, messy T session by messy T session. I have found though, that when I finally find the courage to tell my T how I feel about her, be it in reality or fantasy, and she replys, I get another little part of my needs met.

I carry with me for days, a certain caring look she may have given me, or a sentence she may have said. Its like I take it back to the nest and feed all my hungry babie birds with it.

Then I grow stronger and can talk at a deeper level about how I feel about her, and the process repeats.

I hope I've made sense, I'm sure someone else here will have something to say on the matter also.

Take care

I've been reading...

One theory is that there are basically three kinds of transference:

1) Mirroring
2) Twinship
3) Idealisation

And while most people have one in particular people can shift around a bit during the course of therapy. Basically the notion is that:

1) Mirroring - is about ones need to be admired and thought of as special. Looked up to in some way. For someone to delight in us and in our specialness and our uniqueness etc.
2) Twinship - is about ones need to be like others. To feel like a member of the human race where other people are like oneself in certain respects (ie with their needs, desires, aims, quirks, and fears)
3) Idealising - is about ones need for safety and security. To feel safe and cared for and soothed and nurtured by the presence of a benevolent other.

The thought is that all people have these needs and that it is normal to have these needs. Peoples parents meet these needs to a greater or lesser extent, however. The need that was most frustrated as a child is the need that people have most in therapy.

Sounds like... Idealising transference to me. Thats a big one for me too. Because I never really felt loved... Nobody validated my needs / perceptions etc and I always felt at the mercy of my really intense negative emotions. I didn't know how to soothe myself etc because nobody ever fulfilled that function for me to internalise it.

One theory anyways...

(The thought is that if the therapist fulfills that function for you... Then there will inevitably be moments of 'optimal frustration' which is basically when the therapist doesn't fulfill the function optimally. If we have experience with the therapist actually meeting that need (fulfilling that function) over time, however, then at these moments of optimal frustration we find outselves able to mimic what they would do for ourselves. This is supposed to lead to structural changes in the personality where we can come to fulfill the function that our therapist fulfilled)

I kinda like this theory :-)

[growlycat]

Thank you Mouse! Thanks AlexK!

You both put it more eloquently than I have been able to!

Mouse, I really relate to what you said, and usually getting what I need piecemeal is enough. Lately, that needy feeling is completely voracious, and I am left feeling like he is trying to hurt me by holding back (he may not be holding back at all but that's how I percieve it at times.) I understand the transference issues but knowing this intellectually does not always help. I think that I can try to tell him what's going on, but I'm finding it hard to ask for something specific. If I could identify what it was I think he'd try to accomodate it in some way.

alexandraK, I'm glad you put this explaination on the board (I think I heard/read this somewhere too.) I think Mirroring and Idealising definitely apply here! What you said sounds correct in my situation too, but I think for once I want to be special to someone. Growing up, there was a blantant "favorite" in my family and it wasn't me. I really needed someone to take an interest in me and my growth because my parents sure didn't find me interesting enough to teach basic life skills, never mind "quality time". I'm sure thier attitude would be "you're an adult, get over it" but the groundwork they set has reverberated throughout my life. I even find it hard to get myself proper medical care when I need it, even with a fantastic job and solid insurance. I was never taught how to take care of myself. Sorry to whine, I'm glad both you and Mouse posted!!