Too Needy???

I have lived with my partner for 10 years and he and I don't seem to have the same idea of what you should and shouldn't do in a relationship. One problem is that he never wants to be home. He feels that he should be free to go and be with family, friends or do whatever whenever he feels like it regardless of what we need to do or of my feelings. I know you need to do things without each other, I'm not asking him to be attached to my hip at all times but to be gone every weekend? Every weekend he has something else to do. When I complain he says that he works hard all week and doesn't get to do anything and on the weekends he wants to do things and see people. I guess I don't count. He says if we had kids it would be different. Just asking for other opinions. Am I wrong on this?

Hi, Bree...
This doesn't sound like a good arrangement to me at all. Like you, I have never expected to be with someone 24/7, and in fact I need my own space. But your husband sounds like he is being selfish and ignoring your relationship and your needs. Telling you "if you had kids, it would be different," sounds cruel also! That should have nothing to do with spending happy time together on weekends and evenings during the week. Your relationship should be his first priority!
Patty

While I do believe that it is important to maintain one's own self (hobbies, family, and friends) outside of a relationship, it does sound like your partner is taking that a little bit to the extreme. To be honest, my husband also enjoys quite a bit of time to himself- whether that be alone-time, time for his passion (he's a musician), or time with friends. While I don't always need quite as much space as he does, and do tend to get a little needy, I appreciate our time apart that allows us to continue to grow as individuals.

That being said, it seems that your partner may be taking this to the extreme. What do you mean he is "gone every weekend?" Is it that he likes to do something just for himself every weekend for a little bit? OR is he literally gone every weekend, all weekend? That does sound like a little much to me. But more importantly, it sounds like it is a little much to YOU! If you were ok with that arrangement, I would say, more power to you- every couple is different. But it doesn't sound as though you are ok with the situation.

I think the key to a relationship is compromise- it sounds like you are willing to give a little. Is he?

I wish I could be ok with the situation, it would make it easier, but I am not. I feel hurt and angry that he doesn't understand my feelings. He usually makes plans to see friends or he goes to see his family to see how they are doing and to do things for them. Meanwhile I am here alone and without anyone to turn to for help with anything. Right now I feel like I don't have a right to complain because I haven't worked in almost 2 years due to depression and we are struggling because of it. He is angry that I am still not working yet, depression or not. But he has been this way for the 10 years that we have been together. He tried to cut back once but it didn't last long. When he tries to cut back on seeing his family they call and pressure him and make him feel guilty. They don't care much for me and don't really care that I have nobody else but him. He will usually be gone at least one day on the weekend, sometimes both days. A few times he has been gone the entire weekend without coming home to sleep even. Sometimes he doesn't even call and I am worried that something happened to him. He doesn't have any consideration for my feelings. I needed to hear from others that I am not the crazy one for wanting my partner to spend time at home, so thank you all for your support.

NO, you are NOT crazy- it does seem pretty exteme to me. Are you not invited to do stuff with him or is it the depression that keeps you at home. Do you have friends that you could spend time with on the weekends? Or family? It would be really hard for me if I didn't have other people in my life besides my partner. You could look online for different groups and activities in your area if you are up for it. Also, you said it has been ten years like this and that he has tried to "cut back" but can't because of family pressure? Does his family know the situation? I would think that they would want their son/brother/etc to focus on his partner (especially considering what you are going through) and it seems like they may be too dependent upon him if they make him feel guilty for not coming over every single weekend- that seems a little controlling. Those are just my thoughts. Then again, I don't have all the background info. But regardless, it doesn't seem like you are being unreasonable and we are hear to listen!!!

my boyfriend is the same way. its hurtful.

Hi -- The way you have described things, it doesn't sound as if your wish to spend time together is extreme.

I've been reading that many people who post here do not really want possible solutions, just to vent, so please don't read any further if that's true for you.

First, have you tried making a "date" with him to do something on a weekend -- even two weeks away if he's booked up early?

Second, I too wonder why you are not invited to go along.

Last, you mention he is angry because you are not able to work. It seems to me that this potentially is a passive-aggressive way of his expressing that anger. As well, I have known men who never leave a woman; they create unbearable situations that force the woman to leave.

There's a lot going on beneath the surface in this situation. Do you think he would go to couples counseling with you?

Well, I can't go into details about his family but I do not have anything to do with them. I have good reasons to keep my distance. He understands why I don't want to deal with them but I know it still bothers him. His family is very dependent on him and they are a very close family, almost too close. There are no boundaries. They see me as a problem. He feels stuck in the middle. My family is dwindling, my parents are deceased and I'm estranged from my siblings (long story). I have isolated myself from the few friends I have because of the depression and because I don't want to answer questions about my life. So I feel I only have my BF and I guess that puts too much pressure on him. I think sometimes it is a passive aggessive response but he truly doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I think the people in his life act the same way. Also, he feels that family should come first. He doesn't say it but that is how he acts. We haven't gone on any dates because of our financial situation. I know he doesn't like to be at home all the time doing nothing but there are things that need to be done that I need help with and he chooses to go and help others or spend time with others instead of making me his priority. I realize this is not ever going to change and am not sure what I'm going to do about it. Right now I have no where to go so there is nothing I can do about it. I love him though and he loves me. Even though we both get on each others nerves we would be miserable without each other. Why do relationships have to be so hard?

Hello BreeMarie -- I hope you have a therapist to talk with. It sounds like you are isolating. I am mistress of this. It is a lot to make one person the center of one's life. So I hope you will renew some of your friendships, or find a T or group to join.

Thank you for your reply. I am isolating and I know its not a good thing to do when you are depressed. I just can't deal with being around people, I am embarrassed about the way my life is going. I do see a therapist every week finally and that is helpful. I know it is alot of pressure on my bf with me only depending on him. I did have friends to hang out with when I was working but I have cut them all out of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me. I hope the therapist can help me get my life back on track. Thanks for listening and for your support.

Bree.

Bree, there is nothing "wrong" with you. You may have a disease, called depression.

You would not say that someone was wrong, bad, at fault for getting the flu, or cancer. Same with us. It helped me a lot to post here and read that message: that I did not have to blame for myself for having a disease.

And that I could do things to treat it, such as seeing a T and a p-doc to get medications.

Please keep us posted about what's going on, okay?