[JaneC]

Today, I broke down, the stressors around me and intense anxiety triggered a big trauma response because of an event I must do tomorrow.

I emailed my T, he couldn't see me. Later today he had a cancellation and emailed immediately, I missed it but we ended up talking.He really helped, he was kind and understanding and helped talk me through it and begin to be able to think almost sensibly again.

It has me stumped....his complete support and understanding, his concern and care actually is not what I am used to. And it makes me feel at the same time grateful and uncomfortable.

I wonder if it would be easier for me to deal with him being annoyed or angry and dismissive, and actually had the thought this would be better. How strange, and sad that I would find it easier to understand that sort of behavior rather than what he is showing me. What he is showing me is almost so alien I don't know what to do with it!

Has anyone else found this? How do you trust and believe in this and understand how to respond to it?

Sorry if this seems weird, or is it?

Maybe you're not used to getting positive feedback from people and therefore T's appreciation of you seems weird.

I don't see my T as positive, she's just neutral. She understands and listens to what I say and then we analyse it together.

I dislike it when T's are too positive to the point of being unrealistic. Fortunately my T does not do this.

[JaneC]

Maybe.

I don't think he is being too positive, rather he is being supportive and showing his concern and helping me find the tools I need when I actually am in dire need of support. He tells it like it is at the same time, but kindly you know?

I am certainly not used to it.

[HazelGirl]

I relate very much. It used to really irritate me because I felt like she didn't really know me or know how terrible I really was. And so I felt like her positive regard of me would go away once she knew me better. But she knows me really well now, and it hasn't gone away. She is still just as positive and warm and understanding.

And it just takes time to begin to trust that their opinion of you won't change even if you tell them something bad. I still get really terrified if I have to tell her something that is difficult to tell or that might make her dislike me, but I don't get irritated and annoyed by her positive regard of me anymore.

[granite1]

i dont necessarily see it as foreign .I have people who say they love me and act like they care as well as my T. the problem is that I don't trust it at all

[stopdog]

I do not think I have had the woman show any.

[tinyrabbit]

I find it really difficult and uncomfortable as it's unfamiliar and I have nowhere to put it.

[Petra5ed]

No that doesn't seem weird to me. I never had anyone treat me with what seems basically just like love before, probably why I find myself in therapy now. When I just started with my T it felt very foreign. I was like, who the F is this nut job, he must be plotting to try to make me cry! A man using feeling words? A man with an empathetic look, listening to me... whoa. He tells me he understands when I screw something up, as opposed to telling me all that I did wrong! As time has worn on it's still a unique relationship, but I'm not shocked by his reactions and the love he shows me. Do watch out though, because it's seductive to be treated well!

[unaluna]

I remember telling this t early on that it was okay if he wanted to yell at me, i could take it. He was like, i dont work that way. So yeah, it felt pretty foreign that somebody wasnt criticizing me.

[Wysteria]

No, I do not think it is weird...it does feel odd especially at first...and he is the first really kind "man" who is trustworthy...Has taken him a long time to prove to me that he definitely does care and regards me well..

The nice part is that T's do care, but don't have some of the emotional entanglement and history like friends and family. They can see the bigger picture and as they get to know you, more quickly respond to why you are triggered or sad or upset. Thus know the right things to say to make you feel more calmed and reinforced and cared for and about. They see the good in us when we cannot and family sees the negative. They have better perspective, I guess???

Probably not saying this well at all, but yes, it does feel foreign as not used to having anyone give a flip. But it does not feel fake.

WB

[kororain]

I don't think she does have unconditional positive regard for me. I think she thinks I'm wrong/bad about a lot of things. I think she thinks I should feel guilty about them, and I don't. It's like she gives me all these opportunities to unburden my soul or something, but I don't feel bad. I just feel like I've done what I had to do in any given circumstance, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit within cultural norms or whatever, but it is what it is.

[sweepy62]

I'm not used to positive regard it's uncomfortable for me, I get angry, I'm working at it. If someone responds to me angry I think they care

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[Freewilled]

Yeah - I can totally relate. Sometimes I think I would prefer for my t to tell me off. To tell me what he *really* thinks. He seems not to hate me, though. I keep waiting for it, but it never really comes. He tells me he cares, likes me, etc. More importantly, he acts like it. I think I finally trust him for the most part so we'll see what he does with that /: it's only been a year and a half lol

[precaryous]

Her positive comments and compliments feel forced and rote. Like, that's what she is supposed to say. It feels a little dis genuine.

Maybe I hear it that ay because I don't believe her.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by kororain

I don't think she does have unconditional positive regard for me. I think she thinks I'm wrong/bad about a lot of things. I think she thinks I should feel guilty about them, and I don't. It's like she gives me all these opportunities to unburden my soul or something, but I don't feel bad. I just feel like I've done what I had to do in any given circumstance, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit within cultural norms or whatever, but it is what it is.

Dear Kororain,

Just my feelings, but I think the last thing I would want from a T is more shame. I have enough of my own. It is not for them to judge me. And shame is the WORST and most INEFFICIENT motivator there is, although many try it. I think you should be validated for doing what you had to do to get through a time when life and emotions were too big to handle. I'm glad you are not sorry for doing what you had to do to survive at the time. I hope sometime you will find a T or someone else that helps you get past it and grow and learn without judgment. Unburdening your soul is not her job..but bringing compassion and helping you to become stronger, forgiving, content, able to form good attachments and make better decisions in the future is.
I'm sorry...guess this just made me angry for you..
Forgive me if I have offended.

WB

[unlockingsanity]

I like the feeling of being cared about, but it is also really upsetting because it's not coming from a family/friend and the knowledge that it shouldn't be so foreign is really upsetting. It's bittersweet, I guess.

[JustShakey]

It feels like the other person wants something from me, or is trying to trick me. I'm better able to accept it from men for whatever reason. I got really angry and defensive with previous T and I just want to turn around and run when any of the other female Ts in the practice are anywhere near me.

[musial]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

I like the feeling of being cared about, but it is also really upsetting because it's not coming from a family/friend and the knowledge that it shouldn't be so foreign is really upsetting. It's bittersweet, I guess.

I totally agree with this. I wish therapy hadn't been the first place I ever felt treated this way!

The feelings that my T's "unconditional positive regard" bring up for me make me feel even crazier than when I started therapy. It also feels like a really good drug to me. Sometimes I have no idea how it's helping.

[kororain]

Originally Posted by Wysteria

Dear Kororain,

Just my feelings, but I think the last thing I would want from a T is more shame. I have enough of my own. It is not for them to judge me. And shame is the WORST and most INEFFICIENT motivator there is, although many try it. I think you should be validated for doing what you had to do to get through a time when life and emotions were too big to handle. I'm glad you are not sorry for doing what you had to do to survive at the time. I hope sometime you will find a T or someone else that helps you get past it and grow and learn without judgment. Unburdening your soul is not her job..but bringing compassion and helping you to become stronger, forgiving, content, able to form good attachments and make better decisions in the future is.
I'm sorry...guess this just made me angry for you..
Forgive me if I have offended.

WB

You never offend me, hon.

It could totally all be in my head, but I just think that's what she thinks based on my perception of her moral compass. It just differs from mine.

I see it as a technique T uses, part of his professional persona. He does it very well. But it is obviously something that can only exist in his office.