First session with new Therapist 2.0

Wrote something then realized this is a long post (didn't notice on mobile)

There could be a reason, though, that has to do with your therapist. She might not be comfortable having such a discussion. If she would be comfortable, then it would be fine to have a conversation. She might not be comfortable because of who she is as a therapist or a person. She might want her privacy when she is out in the world.

I think people are frustrated with you on this thread because you seem to not consider the perspective of your T. You can wish for another person to be flexible all you want, and I believe in the abstract there is nothing wrong with T and client socialization out there in the real world. But the bottom line is that you can only have as much contact as both people (not just you) are willing to have.

I just think that it would be nice because I could see my Therapist as a real person in the real world and honestly if my Therapist quickly walked away from me I would probably get very upset and may not even want to see her again, because if that is the way she is going to treat me out in public than why am I even going to her to help me improve out in public.

Something that I have yet to mention about knowing things about your Therapist is that I think that it can actually sometimes ease any feelings/transference that you may have (at least in my case). With my last Therapist I asked at the first session if she was married or not and when she told me that she was married that helped eased (but not totally eliminate) any feelings that I may have had, then a few sessions later I asked her if she had any children and she told me that she had a young daughter which helped ease feelings even more. So in other words sometimes knowing certain information can be very beatifically to me.

And likely you can learn that kind of information from most T's IN TIME, but demanding the information and demanding they decide, before they even know you, what their boundaries will be with you, is not going to encourage them to be forthcoming with you. Can you just let things evolved naturally and at a reasonable pace?

There are a multitude of reasons why you cannot have this discussion -- all or any or which can be going on inside your therapist's head. You do not get to decide for her what she thinks or what she wants or with whom she chooses to have a discussion in her free time. I think Stopdog's signature line really applies here: Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Just because you want someone to behave a certain way in interactions with you does not give you the right to force the other person to do so.

You obviously can choose not to continue a therapeutic relationship with someone who chooses not to chat with you in public, but let's don't try to pretend like it's the other person who is imposing on you by holding to her own boundaries.

I agree - you have to let your therapist have his/her own boundaries!

I'm not so sure about this, the way I see it I can't see why a Therapist wouldn't want to have a chat with me in public (especially since they are supposed to help me with my social skills) and yes if a Therapist decides to run off because of me I think that it will mean the end of my Therapeutic relationship with her.

Because you are not your T's friend. She can help you with social skills inside your therapy hour. If she doesn't engage in a chat with you in public, you shouldn't feel dismissed or rejected (i.e., she is not "running away from you.") Most likely it's about maintaining her own personal boundaries as well as ethics, and she has her own life she is living outside of her office.

If you continue to push your agenda regarding a very hypothetical situation onto every T you meet with, I think you are going to lose out on a T who could possibly be very good for you.

I can't see why a Therapist wouldn't want to have a chat with me in public

You don't have to see it. You don't have to understand it. Their actions are not your reality to own. They get to have autonomy concerning their thoughts, beliefs, and actions. As do you for your actions, thoughts, and beliefs.

Can you see that this attitude, that only what you think and want matters, and your total unwillingness to accept the other person's wishes as desires as part of the equation, could be the source of many of your social problems?

It could be, but at the same time I have pretty firm beliefs that are unlikely to change.

RT

The definition of delusion........a fixed, false belief.

Regards,

Sabra

This is likely the source of your social problems. But if you are not willing to be open to change, why go to therapy at all? The point of therapy is to CHANGE YOURSELF--- not to change other people (T or RL people). So, unless you are open to the possibility of learning flexibility and compromise in order to have meaningful relationship with other people, why bother with therapy? Unless you change, nothing in your life is going to change. So, why waste the money?

Maybe I just like having someone to talk to.

We feel what we feel, should or not. We don't control our feelings, only how we act on them.

I'm really not sure if she's the right person for me or not right now.

How's it going RTerroni-- are you meeting with any other T's?

I am well aware of that. I was not trying to tell the OP to change his feelings; I think you are taking my word choice much too literally.
I was trying to say to the OP that there was another way to view the Ts unwillingness to agree have a hypothetical chat with him in public, so that he may choose a more positive course of action than an automatic assumption of rejection--which he states would lead to him terminating.

Not right now, I have another session with her next Tuesday and won't be making any decisions until after that session.

I have read most of your posts and it seems to me that you are looking for your therapist to be a companion in addition to to providing therapy. Would it be possible to discuss with her how you can find someone else to fill this role for you?

I'm not really sure right now.

So much has already been said here lots and lots of good stuff. I just have a little thing to add. One time I was writing and feeling very frustrated about other people and I said out loud "why is it always me that has to change?".

And I heard very clearly my t's voice in my head respond "because my dear, YOU are the only one you CAN change."

I don't know if this makes sense here or not, but it's what I thought about while reading this thread. I know that realizing that is true has helped me.

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