Most intense feelings/session - T said transference

I've been struggling with feelings for my T. for several weeks. I've read about attachment/transference. Tuesday when I finally decided to read about maternal transference, tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't want to admit it to anyone. Tonight I again stressed all the things that bother me: feeling close to her (as I put it), being vulnerable, etc. For the first part I couldn't tell her what was bothering me and she tried hard to get it out. She said I am grieving for my mom by reaching out to my estranged godmother, etc. I kept going back to my feelings and asking if they will subside. I told her I wasn't sure I could continue if they would get stronger. We talked about close friends and I told her while I have many friends, the last one I felt close to was a camp counselor/friend when I was in high school. I'm now 40. I told her the next person is sitting across from me. I wanted her to pick up on the attachment since I had already mentioned that I felt the camp counselor was a surrogate mom last session. She didn't. So, I reiterated (as I had mentioned before) that I didn't have any feelings in the past when I saw her and now I do. She asked why and I said maybe because of my mom's death. Then she said the dreaded sentence.........."have you heard of transference". I told her I had read about it. She asked how I knew to google it. LOL I admitted I had seen it on a blog (not quite the truth). I told her several times how hard it is for me. She said she knows the feelings are intense. When I asked when they would go away, she said I need to say what I'm feeling. UGH. I just couldn't get the two words I thought of: Intense Love. We went over (I was her last session) so we had to end. Luckily, she sees me next week. She said it will now be up to her when I end therapy - obviously I have a lot of work to do.
In a weird way I feel better but the feelings also seem stronger. When I google maternal transference, not much comes up. Have any of you experienced it?
Thanks for listening....

I am in the middle of itwith NewT. I have experienced this before with PrevGoodT.
Mine feels like "intense love," as you put it. I also describe it as a severe "homesickness" feeling for T.

These two therapists seemed to roll with it, act like it is beneficial to my therapy. "You feel how you feel," they tell me.

Any good T is already prepared to listen to these feelings from you. They seem to know what I need before I realize it.
I have read that transference is a need being fulfilled.

Actually I would be so freaking out over the thought that the therapist thought she got to decide when to end therapy instead of me that all thoughts of what positive maternal transference meant would have completely flown out the window. I am kind of freaking out about it and it was not even said to me.

I think therapists find using them as "the good mother" (not my own personal phrase but some of theirs) is something that can be beneficial to some people.

Homesickness is exactly the right word I think. Like an ache for a place that no longer exists (and maybe never did). It is akin in my mind to not being able to return to your war-torn country (even if you went back, your home isn't there) but catching glimpses here and there of something familiar that is both soothing and wrenching. It is lovely, but reminds you of what you can never have. You can adjust and even thrive, but you'll never not be a refugee.

Does that make sense or am I getting a little weird with my metaphor?

Maybe a better one is this: You're on a really strict diet. But once a week you get a chip. You want a whole bag. Actually, you'd love to eat them all day. You suspect it would be easier to forgo the chip altogether and forget what you're missing. But you can't quite bring yourself to do that.

Im exactly where you are at with my T. Although it is not intense love for me. At first maybe it was, but that settled and now I see him more as a security blanket. Anytime I am afraid of anything, I imagine him encouraging me, telling me its ok.

Our last session ended with him suggesting termination . I flat out said, "No" and asked him to help me get past the transference. He said he would. I am hoping he will. The question is can he?

She mentioned several times how much I want to be in control which is probably preventing me from having strong emotions. I think she wants to decide for me to experience not having control/trust etc. I don't think she would ever terminate early. In fact when I told her I just found out I have great insurance, she said I'm welcome to come as long as I want. I've been wanting guidance from her about how to deal with it. I also think she feels I have more to work on than I realize.

I am glad it works for you and I was not criticizing you.
I was sort of amused at myself and the extremely strong response I had to it even where it is not mine. I had to get up and walk around the house because I was getting anxious thinking about such a thing. So my reaction was strong - but I was laughing at myself at the same time.

I know what you mean. I am also dealing with it. But it has helped to talk about it throughout the process. It hasn't ever gotten too overwhelming because I've been talking about it as feelings come up.

Awe, sounds like a tough session, but I want to praise you sincerely for being brave, honestly sharing threatening feelings.

I am glad you explained what she meant about her deciding when to end therapy as I had a similar reaction to Stopdog at first. Now that I know more what she meant, I can see it as reassuring.

I wanted to answer your question as to whether anyone else has dealt with maternal transference: it's true a lot of the literature and blogging and such is about romantic transference.

However, in my case, I started therapy to help me with parenting difficulties: I found out I had PTSD and that helped explain (NOT excuse) the angry outbursts I had at my daughter. I've been healing and working hard on my parenting, which opened the door to talking about my own childhood and the traumas I experienced. As I did, I felt more and more strongly about my therapist, attached to her, afraid to lose her, joyful at finding her... a whole spectrum of emotion I won't take hours to explain tonight, haha, but intense, like you said, is definitely a fitting word.

I've found the transference difficult, but extremely compelling and often rewarding. My therapist has embraced the experience and says she is honored to be trying to be my "good enough mother" a therapeutic term for a consistent, caring, devoted, helpful presence in my life. I too am welcome to come to therapy as long as I like. I've made a lot of progress on my issues, but find some of the deeper work, is just to connect to her. I feel I've done some great things through our work together and that depending on her is one of the hardest parts, sometimes, but also the best, and our relationship has gotten easier and smoother over time.

So, just wanted to say you're totally not alone, I relate to some of your posts, and I'm very sorry you lost your mother, both to death and to her not being able to be everything you needed.

Hope you take good care of yourself.

Makes perfect sense to me. I'm constantly saying that I want to go home, but I know I don't mean the home I came from, I mean the home I dream I had, but doesn't exist. Home is nowhere.

Glimpses here and there, both soothing and wrenching. Yeah. That. Exactly.

I hate transference.

I agree with Stopdog. I too, am freaking out about this and I was not even there.

First: Therapists are not supposed to ask "why". That is a very anxiety-inducing and interrogating question. Often times we don't know why..."Why?" is hard for many people to answer in all sorts of situations. I believe it is this word that triggers "I don't know", "I'm not sure", or silence, even shame. There are ways to word the same question without asking why. "When did you notice it beginning?" "What do you feel changed in the relationship that may have contributed to these feelings?"
GOSH even the generic "How did/does that make you feel?" would be better than "Why?".

Second Angry Tangent: Who the HELL is she to determine when YOUR therapy ends!?!?! She can most certainly "check in" occasionally and ask "is therapy still helping? are you benefiting from sessions?" just to gauge if you are only continuing to see her because of attachment and "transference" (that word makes me want to puke).
I believe they are ethically bound to make the client aware of their intentions and how much it is continuing to help. If they sit back and suspect a client only returns due to attachment or obsession with T or the whole therapeutic process in general, that is unethical. They realize more harm than good is occurring and they need to speak up. BUT TO END IT!? Jeesh if it were me (and I have been in similar situations) I would go to every session wondering if this is the time she will decide my therapy is done. It would consume me.

I genuinely hope, for the sake of your well-being, that I am missing something or took her words out of context. It really makes me angry when I hear/read about Therapists abusing their power.

I'm surprised that your T has said that she will know when to end therapy. I've only had T's who have said the opposite--that I am in the driver's seat. Wonder what your T meant?

I relate so very much to your post, Soccer Mom. I am in exactly the same place with my T who has 25 years experience and is very "stringent" in her approach and all I want her to do is hold me and tell me she is there for me. I don't have any sexual feelings for her - just an massive need to be held and reassured. But she won't do this (well I havent actually asked) but she hasn't initiated anything touchy feely and I have been seeing her weekly for around 18 months.

She is now away for 8 weeks and I am falling apart. I desperately need to contact her before she goes but I am trying not to as it is out of session and I don't want to be a nuisance. But I just need to connect with her one last time.

I so feel for you SM and I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep posting. This is so helpful and reassuring. I thought I was alone with these feelings/desires.

Thanks again. a&a

I didn't post this to get comments on my therapist. I posted this to ask if any of you have had transference. I am 100% comfortable in how she is handling it. She knows I have control issues so she wants me to trust her, and I do. In the same session she said I can come as much as I want after I mentioned to her my unlimited visits. She knows what I can handle and how to handle me. I had already mentioned to her that I wanted to end it due to the feelings. I appreciate you trying to be supportive and give me your thoughts but please don't criticize my T.

I also have had outbursts at my daughter stemming from my controlling mother. We haven't even gone there yet. Now that I told her about the transference, I feel a little better like we can address it. BUT, she never said nor did I the words "maternal Transference". I'm sure once I say "intense love" is my feeling that will say it all. It was hard enough to get out that I had any feelings for her.

I'm also struggling with why your T insists she will be the one to determine your termination. That'd be enormously difficult for me and I'd want to know why it's not my decision.

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You guys don't get it. It's too hard for me to ask for appointments so she's taking that burden off of me. If I'm totally fine with it, then why does everyone keep questioning it? I'm positive she will make sure I'm ok with it considering she said I don't have to stop coming. She knows that I am the one who wants to stop comign and she wants to make sure I don't quit early and stay as long as I need to.

I think people are reacting to what strikes them as odd or of note, but I could be wrong.

I did tell the first therapist I ever saw that I had some weird sort of mother crush on her ( she was my parent's age, straight , I did not know the term transference and I was about 23). I do not recall it being a big deal for me. I don't think it made much difference in the outcome of that particular therapy experience.
I have not had that reaction to any other therapist.

This forum I am posting the link to spends a lot of time on transference:
http://psychcafe.ca/eve/

Its like is the glass half empty or half full. The point is that you both agree you will now continue seeing her until some undetermined point in the future, not that she can call a halt to it whenever she pleases. Altho i can see how the first sitch would aggravate stopdog anyway . But i would say thats a pretty normal commitment to a t.

Don't feel like you have to defend her. If that's what is comforting for you, then it's great for you. I wouldn't like it because I like to be in control and not forced to be there. But if you feel like it works well for you to let her have that responsibility, then enjoy the fact that she is willing to do it.

This site looks interesting. Thank you, Stopdog.

I feel like if LCM (my T) were to ever mention ending therapy, I would lose my mind considering the fact that I really don't want to lose her ever. We've never discussed ending beyond me telling her to stay with me forever, partially because I would lose my mind if she brought it up.

Yeah maternal transference... I still call LCM "mom" from time to time and all the time in my head. It's better though because I finally feel like I have a mom. She does let me play into it too. It hasn't been hurting too badly that it isn't real recently which is why I haven't been around PC too much........ then again, LCM's real daughter is out of town for a month. I told her in passing that I get to be her only daughter for a month. She just kinda went with it. But I think that might be why I haven't cried my eyes out because she's not my real mother for a long time. She hasn't had to push back our time because she needed to do something with the kid.