[NowhereUSA]

i've seen my t for a long time. and honestly, it's been good. i appreciate his style and it's been helpful. when i started, i was a mess who needed help with long untreated depression. i'm still trying to deal with my depression tho so therapy has continued. sometimes more often, sometimes less (there have been times i don't see him for several months or longer). anyway with my ppd kicking my butt, i've been seeing him frequently.

the thing is... things have gotten weird. that is, weird for me. i don't know what to do. i feel like the relationship has gotten intense and that bothers me. like, i realize i care about him as a person (no, not in love with him, just that he matters to me on some level). i don't like that. part of what made therapy great for me is that i didn't feel attached. or maybe i did this whole time and i just didn't realize it.

that's made me want to terminate and restart with another t. i don't like being attached to my t and it bothers me that i am. the problem is that this is one of the issues that we're dealing with - my tendency to cut off relationships when i feel they are 'sticky' or they matter too much to me. i sent him an email explaining some of this but i haven't brought up termination. i was thinking i might do that next session. i feel like i should just terminate, no notice, but that stupid attachment piece has me thinking - that's not really fair to him. and also the whole 'this is what you do in relationships doofus, stop it.'

does anyone else have this problem? what did you do when your therapy got too intense? i want it all to go back to the boring way it was before

[winter4me]

I think what you need to decide is whether the therapy is still helpful/productive for you; if this is an example of wanting to cut off a relationship because it is uncomfortable, or if you simply need to move on------maybe a "vacation" from therapy? See how it feels? Or, better yet, actually talk it out with the T. and, if you decide to end it, don't do it abruptly...work through it, as a new way to transition. (yeah, I know, easier said than done...but that's what T's are for)

[HazelGirl]

Don't quit now. You're just starting to enter the real work of therapy. It's easier to keep running from scary things, like attachment. But as scary as it is, you will only get better by working through that type of thing. Can you talk to your T about it? It helps a lot to start the conversation about attachment and transference when it first appears.

I have sorta a similar problem. I've just in the last few days realized how much time and energy I've spent in the past hiding parts of me from myself; one of those things I've not let myself think about is how afraid I am of losing T. In the past couiple months I have felt recommitted to this whole process and decided that I am no longer going to try to quit every 3 months like I have been..... and putting both of those together, I bet that I've had this fear for a long time and have hidden it from myself, with a lot of other things that we're uncovering, but that's why I keep wanting to quit therapy as in if I quit, then I can't "lose" her. I'm going to talk about this with her next week, so we'll see how it goes.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by winter4me

I think what you need to decide is whether the therapy is still helpful/productive for you; if this is an example of wanting to cut off a relationship because it is uncomfortable, or if you simply need to move on------maybe a "vacation" from therapy? See how it feels? Or, better yet, actually talk it out with the T. and, if you decide to end it, don't do it abruptly...work through it, as a new way to transition. (yeah, I know, easier said than done...but that's what T's are for)

actually talk it out with t? like an actual conversation?! what a crazy idea lol. you'd think i was in therapy... it's definitely a me issue. i know i need to work through it but it terrifies me because i've never really been that person and i'm terrified he's just going to abandon me part way through the process. because me. sigh.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Don't quit now. You're just starting to enter the real work of therapy. It's easier to keep running from scary things, like attachment. But as scary as it is, you will only get better by working through that type of thing. Can you talk to your T about it? It helps a lot to start the conversation about attachment and transference when it first appears.

it is easier to keep running. see, i grew up in a very nomadic life and so relationships never got 'deep'. usually, right when i was starting to feel attached, we moved and if the relationship was complicated or made me feel off, i just let it die. eventually any relationship that felt 'close' ended up being too much. i have my hubs and maybe two good friends, neither live near me so i don't have the complications that come from trying to maintain a physical relationship. i've kept myself nicely detached and it's detrimental to me. my t has been trying for *years* to get me to be open and relaxed and connected. and i made it a priority to be open with him and i realized in the last few months that i got attached to him (haha, after five years) and i'm like wtf?!

now i want to terminate because i'm unhappy with that connection. except i think it's supposed to be good for me. like i should work on it except i don't want to argle bargle flargle.

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I have sorta a similar problem. I've just in the last few days realized how much time and energy I've spent in the past hiding parts of me from myself; one of those things I've not let myself think about is how afraid I am of losing T. In the past couiple months I have felt recommitted to this whole process and decided that I am no longer going to try to quit every 3 months like I have been..... and putting both of those together, I bet that I've had this fear for a long time and have hidden it from myself, with a lot of other things that we're uncovering, but that's why I keep wanting to quit therapy as in if I quit, then I can't "lose" her. I'm going to talk about this with her next week, so we'll see how it goes.

i think you're right. i don't want to lose t and that's what makes me so mad! (see above nomadic issues, i've always prided myself on being able to leave and not care). i know exactly how badly it hurts to lose someone you care about as i've done it multiple times in my life, and i feel like i set myself up (and maybe in my head, i blame him a little too - like wtf dude, setting me up so i like you. i don't want to like you. i want to find you uninteresting and like you don't matter to me).

[ThisWayOut]

I tend to run from things in other ways, but I can relate to wanting to run when things get "sticky" our too intense. I would suggest going with that little voice that's telling you to stick this out, our art least talk to t before you terminate. If you keep running from it, you will never get a chance to look at it and figure it out.it's definitely easier to run from scary things, but what does it get you in the long run?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I tend to run from things in other ways, but I can relate to wanting to run when things get "sticky" our too intense. I would suggest going with that little voice that's telling you to stick this out, our art least talk to t before you terminate. If you keep running from it, you will never get a chance to look at it and figure it out.it's definitely easier to run from scary things, but what does it get you in the long run?

you're right. i guess i don't want him to abandon me. and i don't want it to be sticky. i want it to be easy. *sigh*

[feralkittymom]

If you see the pattern is detrimental to you in your life, then the decision is sort of "am I in therapy or not?" Because if you're in therapy with one foot out the door, then I'd say you're not really in therapy. Maybe the ppd is making you a bit more vulnerable, too?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

If you see the pattern is detrimental to you in your life, then the decision is sort of "am I in therapy or not?" Because if you're in therapy with one foot out the door, then I'd say you're not really in therapy. Maybe the ppd is making you a bit more vulnerable, too?

the ppd is definitely affecting me. i can't discount that. as for one foot out the door, because of my life history, that's how i've always lived. one foot out the door in everything except probably my marriage. even my bff... we had a spat a few months ago (very rare for us) and she just didn't respond well to something i'd said with regards to my depression. so i didn't call her. i even told my t that it was okay if my bff of a decade just... disappeared and i never talked to her again. i wasn't even angry. i just didn't want to deal with the issue.

we spent an entire session with my t being like, 'that's not really *healthy*' and i was like 'blerg.' and he told me to call my friend. so i did and it was very gratifying.

but welcome to my head. i didn't think of myself as having one foot out the door until the last few months. now i realize i probably have had one foot out the door the whole time and i only figured it out when the door slammed on my foot.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i don't like being attached to my t and it bothers me that i am.

I would reframe. You are not unilaterally attached to your T, you are in relationship with him. Your T cares about you as a person also. That is what "real" relationships are about. Yes, you are vulnerable and will probably hurt on some level when you and he part/terminate if it is done at the "end" of your therapy, just as he will. I believe if we do not go through such a relationship, we do not fully learn to relate and we are our normal "island" selves unable to figure out how to build bridges to another or provide bedrock support on our side for theirs.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would reframe. You are not unilaterally attached to your T, you are in relationship with him. Your T cares about you as a person also. That is what "real" relationships are about. Yes, you are vulnerable and will probably hurt on some level when you and he part/terminate if it is done at the "end" of your therapy, just as he will. I believe if we do not go through such a relationship, we do not fully learn to relate and we are our normal "island" selves unable to figure out how to build bridges to another or provide bedrock support on our side for theirs.

my t reminds me of this. whenever i talk about it he tries to remind me that it's a 'relationship' and not just me. he does care and has said so and has been very open that he does enjoy meeting with me and that he worries about me. i guess deep down, i don't know what to do with that. like, okay, great, but this is all going to come to an end (which is the story of my life and relationships) and so it's hard now for me to accept it all. does that make sense?

you're absolutely right that if i don't learn to do this, i will continue to be alone and he knows that. he keeps talking about my walls and trying to break them down. oh for crying out loud. i am such a mess.

[HazelGirl]

Can you talk to him about all of this? I think he can help you understand.

[NowhereUSA]

i can and i plan to. kind of. i may type it up in an e-mail for our session in a few days. i sent him some of it (i don't really drink very often but i really wanted to share some thoughts with him and i knew i couldn't do it completely sober - i'm kicking myself for that email even though everything i said in it is exactly true and exactly what i wanted to say).

the quote in my signature is what made me realize i needed to try to figure out this termination thing and you guys here are so supportive and so i thought i would talk it out a bit here to help give me some courage to really open up about it to my t.

he hugged me for the first time this last session and i think that triggered my terror. because i liked and wanted the hug and i was like whoa. and now i want to backtrack.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i guess deep down, i don't know what to do with that. like, okay, great, but this is all going to come to an end (which is the story of my life and relationships)

It is the story of everyone's lives and relationships! People die, move, decide to love/care about someone else, get into arguments and never talk to former friends and loved ones again. That's life too. But we don't just get the "good"/easy parts of life to deal with, we have to go through the harder parts.

I "dated"/lived with my husband for 5 years while he got his divorce, knowing completely that he was doing all that so he could marry me. However, I almost started laughing hysterically when he took me to a special, park and proposed to me, reading a poem he'd written! I swear, my very first thought was, "What do I say?" Um, how about "Yes!"? It only got worse on our wedding day when we're standing up there exchanging vows and I made the "mistake" of looking him in the eyes and all that love beaming out of them at me almost made me faint. Hey, got to learn to stay on one's feel, accept, and respond to that just like I'll have to do the same when he dies if he dies before I do and I'm left more intensely alone than I was before I met him.

I'm still a weak responder but I do my best :-) It's a two-sided sword and you are learning to sharpen both sides (or you have an overall dull sword that is worthless).

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i can and i plan to. kind of. i may type it up in an e-mail for our session in a few days. i sent him some of it (i don't really drink very often but i really wanted to share some thoughts with him and i knew i couldn't do it completely sober - i'm kicking myself for that email even though everything i said in it is exactly true and exactly what i wanted to say).

the quote in my signature is what made me realize i needed to try to figure out this termination thing and you guys here are so supportive and so i thought i would talk it out a bit here to help give me some courage to really open up about it to my t.

he hugged me for the first time this last session and i think that triggered my terror. because i liked and wanted the hug and i was like whoa. and now i want to backtrack.

I know it's terrifying. It is absolutely the most terrifying thing you can do, but it does sound like he is a safe person to explore this stuff with. You will feel physically sick, and want nothing more than to run away. But if that's how you respond, you will never get better. I'm hoping things go well for you.

[NowhereUSA]

he has been safe. i think my problem is that i'm half convinced he's going to be like 'nope, time to refer you out' even though he's never made that kind of statement/overture. ugh. ugh and double ugh. darn my childhood which gave me complexes about all this.