[NowhereUSA]

well, in a few hours i'll see my pdoc.

then i'll see my individual t a bit later.

my t wants me to be honest about my suicidal ideation with pdoc. but i'm also nervous about my meeting with t because i sent him an email outlining my suicidal intentions. sometimes i struggle because i'm a 30something woman and he's seen me for a while and i've never been like this, but inside i feel like i'm 15 again and everyone's just going to shame me for feeling what feel and what i'm thinking (i was shamed for my depression as a teenager).

i'm afraid i'll end up hospitalized because i refuse to give an inch on the whole plan thing. so who knows? i'm just very tired, but i've tried to be honest with my t.

i was very certain of my plan up until last night. hubs sat and chatted with me (he doesn't know how certain i am). asked if maybe it would work for me to get away, just myself, for a week or two. i have family that have some money and let other family use their vacation spot for free. we technically can't afford the ticket but i suppose if it's suicide or a ticket or the hospital or a ticket, the ticket makes sense.

that's kind of got me less sure of my plan. but i'm still in a lot of pain and i'm worried it won't work out and then i'll be stuck and people will try to stop my plan. i know that sounds crazy.

i really want someone to have an answer today. i could use help. i just want someone to help me because i'm all out of steam

[glok]

Hello, NowhereUSA. I hope today you begin the process of getting better. Please choose to get better and participate in the process as well as you can.

I wish you well.

[Perna]

Good luck Nowhere. I hope your pdoc and t can help you today too.

[Petra5ed]

Nowhere - I told a doc about my suicidal ideation, but I downplayed my intentions so I wouldn't get sent to an inpatient. I just basically said that I thought about it a lot, including how, and that I felt it would be an easy escape often... but then I would say "but, I won't really do it of course." This is probably bad advice (LOL), but maybe you could do the same?

Whatever you do remember this, do not kill yourself no matter what. I used to be so down I wanted to die, but I found a med that has worked and a good therapist and now things are suddenly better. I promise you it get's better, promise, promise .

[NowhereUSA]

my pdoc and my t are in the same clinic. i'm hoping i can use my t as an out. like 'totes have a plan, but i'm seeing t later and he will deal with this.' i think i'll keep intent to myself. just be like 'yes i have a plan' and leave it at that. but yeah, i'll probably downplay it a bit to keep him from freaking out since i don't know how pdoc would react. i've only ever seen him for meds.

[ThisWayOut]

I think being as honest as possible is a good idea. I know it's scary to think about losing your quick escape, but it could also open a door to some serious healing (hugs). I'll be thinking of you today. I don't know you too well, but from what I have read lately I can relate a lot. I know you are in pain, but you are taking the steps you need to get better. If you do end up inpatient, and it doesn't seem to help, advocate (or have h or t advocate for you) to get someplace that does help. And maybe after that take the vacation (I'm worried that, if you have the same thought patterns I do, you may take the vacation as an opportunity to attempt. I really would be saddened to hear that). So please be as safe as possible and take a risk on letting those around you help you through this. You are so worth it!

[NowhereUSA]

i don't know if i would attempt if i went off on my own. sometimes i wonder if i'm not contemplating suicide because i feel so trapped (postpartum and whatnot). the idea of getting away, just me and myself, sounds... nice. like the first interesting thing to come my way in an endless parade of monotony and mundane.

idk. i do suppose that if it were to happen my t would want safety measures in place. not sure how that would look but i'd agree to come back alive if it meant i didn't end up in the hospital.

[someone321]

I cross my fingers for you...

[precaryous]

NowhereUSA, I am thinking of you...

[HazelGirl]

If part of your problem is post partum, I could see a vacation helping a lot.

[growlycat]

If you do get away, be sure to structure your time and be with people. Isolating may make things worse. Hope it works out today

[iheartjacques]

I've not been hospitalized for anything I've said, I've always said that the thing that stops me is my kids, so that's probably why they haven't locked me up yet. But they need to know if your meds need adjusting.

[NowhereUSA]

well. my pdoc gave me new meds (i'm less than thrilled as i hate side effects and i seem to get them with every damn pill). he gave me a new pill brintellex in samples (so i'm sure that will cost me an arm and a leg if he decides to continue it, but i see him again in a month). he wanted to give me an old drug, an maoi, but the diet gave me anxiety (i took a low level maoi sergeline before and it didn't require major diet changes). like i started to feel like i was freaking out right there. i have small kids, i'm bound to stick something in my mouth that i'm not supposed to.

also i love cheese.

i mentioned my plan and he said he was concerned, but when i mentioned my t, he let it go. he also is debating genetic testing or something too which i know isn't cheap and probably isn't covered by my insurance. idk. something about folate and the brain?

my t was hardcore about trying avoid the hospital. managed to get another stupid agreement out of me. *sigh* so right now i'm just sort of pissed off and sitting here. he got what he wanted and i'm still struggling

[precaryous]

NowhereUSA, Glad to hear from you.
I hope you still get to go on your getaway, if that's something you still want to do. Could be just what you need?

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

well. my pdoc gave me new meds (i'm less than thrilled as i hate side effects and i seem to get them with every damn pill). he gave me a new pill brintellex in samples (so i'm sure that will cost me an arm and a leg if he decides to continue it, but i see him again in a month). he wanted to give me an old drug, an maoi, but the diet gave me anxiety (i took a low level maoi sergeline before and it didn't require major diet changes). like i started to feel like i was freaking out right there. i have small kids, i'm bound to stick something in my mouth that i'm not supposed to.

also i love cheese.

i mentioned my plan and he said he was concerned, but when i mentioned my t, he let it go. he also is debating genetic testing or something too which i know isn't cheap and probably isn't covered by my insurance. idk. something about folate and the brain?

my t was hardcore about trying avoid the hospital. managed to get another stupid agreement out of me. *sigh* so right now i'm just sort of pissed off and sitting here. he got what he wanted and i'm still struggling

Getting away a bit was a massive help with my postpartum depression. There is nothing, nothing like a little freedom, quiet and sleep after being trapped at home with a demanding baby. And absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[NowhereUSA]

i was in such a crisis mode, i never brought up the going away bit to him i could send him an email but i don't know. is it bad that i'm kind of pissed that he yet again successfully talked me out of things? blerg. he knows me too well and knows my buttons and i suppose some part of me wants to be talked out of it otherwise why would i keep talking to him? i feel kind of lame about that. like i need to figure out how to keep my mouth shut.

so here i am today feeling just terrible but still here and i feel so stuck about all of it. i would like to get away. i do think some me time could help right my brain. idk. idk. i kind of would like my children to stay someplace and hubs and i get away just him and me so i can try to be open with him. my t is always talking about being open because i suck at it.

[msxyz]

Glad it went well and you weren't committed.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Akama

Unless you want to be committed don't tell him you are certain. Just say something like you think about it all the time and it's weighing you down etc...

Don't say you chose a method. Do you have kids? Mention how you don't want to do this to them.

oh he knows all that. like he knows my plan and he knows how certain i am. he just doesn't think the hospital would do me a bit of good. i was mildly surprised he let me out of his office yesterday. he tries to work with me on it. keep me out. if i hadn't promised to come home, i'm sure that would have been the last straw. he's made it very safe for me to be honest.