[IndestructibleGirl]

*TRIGGER/ talk of sui urges*

I don't quite know why but the last week has been an avalanche of suicidal thoughts, after months of being mostly free of them. I was tested for a pretty serious disease a few weeks ago, which I thought I handled well at the time, but now I feel a bit defeated. The doctors (and they're good 'uns, so I know I'm lucky) are fairly certain I don't have this other disease (there are no absolutes) just that my original one needs careful monitoring.

Everything seems bleak again. I love my job but now I'm dreading going in and can't focus, so am scared I'll be sacked but then it would almost be a relief because I just want to lie in bed and opt out of consciousness by sleeping as much as possible. It's like sleep is a compromise between suicide and actually living a life, and I know the former is a bad idea because things might get better, but I'm too exhausted to engage fully with the latter.

I feel like I can't take much more of this before I crack for real. Nothing makes any difference - I got the job of my dreams and I'm still messing everything up, still as lonely as ever. The job feels like it means nothing even though I know I love it which doesn't even make sense. I desperately need my mother and she's dead, I miss my best friend who I fell out with at Christmas - we were both vile to each other in very different ways, I've reached out twice now and she ignores me so I have to accept she doesn't want the friendship to be healed.

I can't form relationships that mean anything apart from a fortnightly catch up coffee/ party, and it is always going to be like this. I thought I could hide from my loneliness in my work but I can't it's still there, still just as present, ironically maybe because the work I do is all about trying to make the world a better place and my colleagues wonderful people (we do lots of stuff with nonprofits) and I end up feeling like a fraud and an alien because I don't even know how to make the world a better place for myself.

Today I've been trying and trying and trying. Desperate to self harm as a kind of treat to make it easier - not doing it. Thinking about binge eating, not doing it either. I have some valium and it's not working. Desperate then because NOTHING is working. At least when I had an eating disorder I could fixate on that and it was a relief. Now I know if I binge eat it won't give me relief.

I was supposed to have a pdoc appointment (new person, specializing in mental health for people who have my long term condition) tomorrow, scheduled months ago, which was cancelled on Friday, and put back til mid September.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she was very well attuned to where I was in terms of hopelessness and pain. She touched my cheek when I was leaving, and then called me back and asked if I wanted a hug, which I couldn't do, but the fact she offered warmed me and made me feel a whisper of love, as opposed to pain or being a stone with no feelings. When I got home, I discovered she had sent me an email link to this thing about the law of attraction and how to get the life you want. Therapy is great but not enough. Nothing's enough. If nothing is ever going to be enough does that not mean it's just time to take the ****ing overdose already? I know that's not true, but it feels like the only truth that ever was, right now.

[Willowleaf]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad tonight. I'm not great at saying the right thing, but I feel your pain and I am here and no doubt others will be soon. Try and be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and sometimes things like cancelled appointments can be the last straw. I'm really pleased your t sounds like she was there for you but I know how hard it can be in between sessions. Keep posting as there will be loads of people here for you.

[Willowleaf]

How are you doing now?

[feralkittymom]

IG Can you separate "nothing is enough" from "nothing is ever going to be enough"? Sometimes I find it helpful to just acknowledge that indeed, I feel like the world is a black pit right now--I let the feeling in, give it space (not too much), and feel it down to my bones. At the same time, I only let myself go there if I also commit to believing that it will not always be so. I don't let myself debate that one. Sometimes giving myself over to that feeling--not acting it out!--for whatever reason, gives it permission to leave. I don't know how or why, just that it has worked for me.

[Asiablue]

I'm not in a great place right now either but I will most definitely hold your hand.

It sounds like you've had a lot of extra worry lately with all the tests and things. You have all this on your plate plus you manage to work and go to therapy to work on your emotional healing. That is not an easy task and I hope you can allow yourself to see that as an achievement.
It's easy to get bogged down with all the things that are or might go wrong and the next thing you know, you feel like you're in a huge black hole. Can you try to just take each day as it comes right now? Try working out what would help you to feel comforted and just be really gentle with yourself?

[guilloche]

IndestructibleGirl... I'm not in a great place either, but I wanted to lend some words of support. I'm sorry that things are so hard and dark right now... I wish I knew the secret to brightening everything up, I'd give it to everyone for free. Is there anything you can do to nurture yourself and get a short break from all the negative emotions? A tv show or movie that you love? Hang in there...

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad tonight. I'm not great at saying the right thing, but I feel your pain and I am here and no doubt others will be soon. Try and be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and sometimes things like cancelled appointments can be the last straw. I'm really pleased your t sounds like she was there for you but I know how hard it can be in between sessions. Keep posting as there will be loads of people here for you.

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

How are you doing now?

Thank you, Willowleaf. I'm definitely being kind to myself, eating really good nourishing food that I enjoy (this is always a measuring stick for me - if I can make myself eat properly I feel I'm doing something actively caring towards myself) and resting and bargaining with myself that I will do some of the work I need to do for the morning, and not beat myself up like a maniac just because I won't do it all. Thank you, and you do say the right thing, it is much appreciated

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

IG Can you separate "nothing is enough" from "nothing is ever going to be enough"? Sometimes I find it helpful to just acknowledge that indeed, I feel like the world is a black pit right now--I let the feeling in, give it space (not too much), and feel it down to my bones. At the same time, I only let myself go there if I also commit to believing that it will not always be so. I don't let myself debate that one. Sometimes giving myself over to that feeling--not acting it out!--for whatever reason, gives it permission to leave. I don't know how or why, just that it has worked for me.

Thank you, FKM So, do you mean the difference between 'nothing is enough' and 'nothing is ever going to be enough' is that in the future it is possible that it might be? That it won't always feel this bad?

The way you deal with the black pit feelings is the way I aim to be able to deal with them one day myself. It seems really balanced and healthy to be able to give them some room, to not squash them, but not let them take the wheel and send you on a desperate joyride crashing into a big tree. How do you develop the self-control to be so emotionally deft? My emotions are like an axe rather than a surgeon's knife the final thing that broke me tonight was a friend not responding about meeting up, after he cancelled on me last nigh (was fine about that) and he said he wanted to catch up today, but went quiet on me and spend the day with his husband. I know he is perfectly entitled to do as he like. But the floodgates opened and I got overwhelmed by pain and thought, there I am wrong again, he doesn't value the friendship as anything more than a pleasant occasional distraction. Totally bewildered by people. I sound like a nutter.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I'm not in a great place right now either but I will most definitely hold your hand.

It sounds like you've had a lot of extra worry lately with all the tests and things. You have all this on your plate plus you manage to work and go to therapy to work on your emotional healing. That is not an easy task and I hope you can allow yourself to see that as an achievement.
It's easy to get bogged down with all the things that are or might go wrong and the next thing you know, you feel like you're in a huge black hole. Can you try to just take each day as it comes right now? Try working out what would help you to feel comforted and just be really gentle with yourself?

Thank you, Asia, and I am so sorry that you're struggling too I have adopted that 'each day as it comes' thing, because it's simply all I can cope with right now, and trying not to worry about being confronted by my boss tomorrow.

I did spend some time this afternoon thinking about comfort in general. There is a distinct lack of comfort in my life altogether. It's really distressing because I came from a past where there was lots of comfort - I used to sleep glued to my mother because the closeness was so comforting and always helped if I was upset. Likewise, I used to be able to spend hours cuddling my horses. Or going to the cinema with friends I thought would be there forever, or just wedged on the sofas in our apartment talking til sunrise. There were so many people there in my life and now, not a one. It's a disaster zone and I have no idea how to get anything remotely comforting back.

[JustShakey]

Hang in there. I agree with Feralkittymom - sometimes you just need to feel the feelings. They only get worse if you try to ignore them or discount them.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by guilloche

IndestructibleGirl... I'm not in a great place either, but I wanted to lend some words of support. I'm sorry that things are so hard and dark right now... I wish I knew the secret to brightening everything up, I'd give it to everyone for free. Is there anything you can do to nurture yourself and get a short break from all the negative emotions? A tv show or movie that you love? Hang in there...

Thank you for your encouragement, Guilloche. I wish I knew the secret too, I'm sorry you are suffering

[sweepy62]

I will also hold your hand, I am feeling like I am in a black hole, very uncertain these days, hiding underneath a virtual rock, scared, having thoughts as well. I always come here for support. Hang on ok. Pm me if you want to.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Hang in there. I agree with Feralkittymom - sometimes you just need to feel the feelings. They only get worse if you try to ignore them or discount them.

Thank you, JustShakey. I know what you mean but they just take over, I can't stanch them.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I will also hold your hand, I am feeling like I am in a black hole, very uncertain these days, hiding underneath a virtual rock, scared, having thoughts as well. I always come here for support. Hang on ok. Pm me if you want to.

Thank you Sweepy, so sorry you're in the grim place too It isn't fair, it's insane to feel this much pain and still be trying to manoevere out of it, but all we can do is keep trying in a range of ways I suppose

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you, JustShakey. I know what you mean but they just take over, I can't stanch them.

Yeah, there does come a point where you have to distract yourself. I know, I've been running on distraction all weekend, holding out til I see my T. You can only take so much. Hope you're doing okay.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Yeah, there does come a point where you have to distract yourself. I know, I've been running on distraction all weekend, holding out til I see my T. You can only take so much. Hope you're doing okay.

Thank you, and I hope your session gives you what you need

[Leah123]

Sending you thoughts of caring and strength. You are DOING well and feeling absolutely horrid, I'm very sorry it's so hard but impressed that you're taking care of yourself. I know that nothing is enough feeling. I have faith for you that it will get better.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Sending you thoughts of caring and strength. You are DOING well and feeling absolutely horrid, I'm very sorry it's so hard but impressed that you're taking care of yourself. I know that nothing is enough feeling. I have faith for you that it will get better.

Thanks, Leah. Your post inspired me to keep doing stuff that would be beneficial, and then I thought of the previous posters who had mentioned things that would be comforting. Even though the things that would really comfort me aren't available, I decided to make myself do things that would make life less uncomfortable. So I made myself wash my hair tonight to make the morning less stressful. And then I made myself change the bedlinen, which I ought to have done a few days ago but couldn't do. Have now remembered that fresh linen is indeed a lovely and comforting thing in itself. Even if I can't sleep next to somebody I love, at least I have a nest that feels soft and smells delicious.

[Leah123]

Awwwwwe, good for you! I try and do that too when I'm at my lowest. I call it counter-programming.

[MoxieDoxie]

So many held my hand last week when I was ready to end it. I will hold your hand. You sure do have more energy to write long post in that state then I could. So hard for me to even string a sentence when in that black pit of sludge. I hope you get some sleep and things feel lighter tomorrow. Hugs!

[BonnieJean]

I'm glad you reached out here and have so much support. I send mine, as well.

[growlycat]

Sending support here too!! Sorry so late!!

Feeling lonely at a dream job resonates with me too. The one thing I can offer is that things always change. So if things are lousy, chances are that will eventually change too.

Hope you are doing better today

[IndestructibleGirl]

Morning PC crew. Thank you all SO very much for all your kind words, I truly appreciate it.

Trying to stoke myself up to head into work, really tense as I think my boss is going to be really pissed at me/ might lose my job today. It's crazy I can't keep this up, need to figure out something. My s thoughts were still rambling round my head telling me what a nice place my beautiful new bed would be to slip away in, and simply be free of everything, but I've been able to park them for now and focus on seeing what happens at work. Even have two cigarettes (I usually only smoke every second weekend or so, with drinks) in case I get the sack and need something immediate to calm me down.

Thank you all.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Just wanted to say a heartfelt thanks to you for helping me at lowest ebb last night. You kept me going when it was really unbearable.

As an update, my meeting with my boss went well and they're really pleased with me in the job - I can't quite believe it but going to try for now. Got straight on the phone at lunchtime to a private pdoc to try to book an appointment elsewhere - the huge swing from last night and how awful I felt (and admitting it fully) to feeling pretty good today has brought it home to me that something must be very out of kilter, I guess severe anxiety or a mood disorder. It's really weird, I kind of have an anxiety hangover today, as though I should feel really scared, and my head is trying to wind me up and get me upset about small things, but (for now) I can recognize that they don't merit being sick with fear over. I can see the con of it all.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

It's really weird, I kind of have an anxiety hangover today, as though I should feel really scared, and my head is trying to wind me up and get me upset about small things, but (for now) I can recognize that they don't merit being sick with fear over.

I'm so glad to hear that your job is going better than expected, and that you're going to be able to get in to see a new Pdoc.... Yay!

And... that part that you quoted above - awesome! I find it really hard sometimes to recognize that something is a small problem and not worth the stress... so that's very cool that you're in a place to see it.

Glad things are better today!