[DelusionsDaily]

Good or crazy?

Dear Doc,

I wish I could see you face to face for no more than 5 minutes. However, I know that I'm not quite ready for that yet. New revelations bring new work to be done and I need to do this work before I see you. If seeing you is a possibility.

My past makes more sense in light of this recent revelation but it leaves more work to be done. You see, when my mind races, it races with everyday worries, but also many paranoid thoughts.

In light of these paranoid thoughts, so much of my life comes into focus. How can I do anything or trust anyone when I am paranoid about people being "out to get me"? So, my lack of social activities, my paralysis in treatment, my "lack of trust" in you, and my paralysis when it came to finding a job in the real world seem to be pieces easily joined with my untreated paranoia at the time.

I realize that when we were working together there was a more urgent issue...my suicidal/parasuicidal thoughts and behaviors. However, I worked extremely hard in therapy and DBT, since our separation, to learn to better cope with stressors and emotions. In turn, I have learned to manage 99.9% of all the borderline traits I have in me. They still seep in to various areas of my life at times, just not detrimentally so.

I've been working very closely with a PMHNP in the last month. She is truly amazing and I wouldn't change a thing right now. I dream of the day we work together again. However, I realize that may not be a possibility in your book. Just know that I hope our paths cross again sometime, maybe not even as patient and doctor but in a more casual sense.

I do care about you and hope you are doing well. I hate to give you credit for what has happened but I truly believe you saved my life the day you terminated me. It sprung me into action. I got busy working with a new therapist and started DBT shortly after. As a result I am a much different person from the one you terminated with me at the end of October 2013. I wish you could have seen the transformation but it is what it is.

Wishing you all the best,
Melissa

[JaneTennison1]

I don't think it sounmds crazy, my question would be What are you hoping to get out of this? Are you just looking to thank him or get something in return?

It's a good letter. I'm wondering the same as Jane, however. You might want to clarify in the letter what exactly you want from your ex p-doc.

[The_little_didgee]

I like your letter. This is powerful: I hate to give you credit for what has happened but I truly believe you saved my life the day you terminated me. It sprung me into action.

I'm not sure what you want. Do you plan to send this as an update or do you want to request a meeting sometime in the future when you feel more stable?

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on making it more clear what I want. I don't eve know if I'll send it.

[DelusionsDaily]

Ok, so I have discovered I want my x-pdoc back...again. However with the paranoid thoughts that inhabit my mind at even just the thought of him being my pdoc again......there's no way I can manage him being my doctor at this point and time.

I've been working closely with a PMHNP the last month or so. I thought that with a new "doc" my obsession with x-pdoc would greatly subside...instead those feelings have flared more than ever.

This is where my borderline comes out with the "I hate you-don't leave me" crap. Grrr!! This is so frustrating.

[growlycat]

Just a thought, but maybe you can write a letter leaving most of your side out of it for the time being and ask him in the first sentence or two, "What would it take for you to see me again?"

Understandably you are hurt, but adding high praise and criticism in the same message could be confusing.

[Crescent Moon]

Don't know what his reason for termination was and whether that reason affects this possibility -

What about a posture of: "You did me a favor when you terminated me last year because it...... and now I am so much more stable. I wish you could see how much better I'm doing. I do have a lingering issue with being suddenly terminated, and I think it would help me if I could see you again. I don't know whether you would consider taking me back as a patient, but it would help me a lot to get some closure about it."

Some version along that lines may help you get what you want.

[growlycat]

Well said!!

[DelusionsDaily]

How about this one?
------

Dear Doc,

I know I wasn't the easiest patient when we worked together. However, after giving more thought to the idea of asking you to be my doctor...I realized I need to give more consideration to your thoughts and feelings.

In order for me to better consider your thoughts and feelings I would like to ask you a few questions. Would you ever consider being my doctor? If so, what would it take for you to be my doctor again? Please be aware at this point I know I have more work to do before asking you to be my doctor. The reason for asking you these questions is so I can get a better idea of where you stand.

Understand that I realize that an answer to these questions in NO way initiates the patient doctor relationship. This would be strictly informational only. If you choose not to answer this I will assume that would mean you are not at all interested in being my doctor ever again. At that point, I will forever leave you alone no matter how difficult that may be.

I look forward to hearing from you. However, I would totally understand if I don't hear from you given our difficulties in the past.

Thanks,
Melissa
-----
I hope this one sounds better.

[Bill3]

You have made such progress and are doing so well now. What makes you want to go back?

[DelusionsDaily]

I don't any long believe he was as horrible as I made him out to be. I want our patient doctor relationship to have a fighting chance and I believe with a little work I can make that opportunity a possibility if he's willing.

Ya see, I believe my paranoia went unchecked for a while and was a huge part of my not trusting him like I should. If I'm more mindful of my thoughts I can catch the paranoid thoughts and recognize them as such. Therefore, they won't disintegrate the relationship as I believe they did last time.

[growlycat]

That is so much clearer.

I once did some pro bono design work for a homeless youth non profit. I was tasked with redesigning the fundraising booklet. Their existing one was a mess. The biggest problem was that it wasn't clear what they were asking for and why. The most help I gave them was clarity. If you donate X, a child will get Y. If you donate more, than the kid gets x plus Y and so on.

It was a lesson for me also, in how to best communicate one's needs. Clearly, succinctly and with an outcome in mind. I try to apply that to myself too, but I tend to get wordy!!

I think the one thing missing in the letter is to include the work you have done since ending things with pdoc--it may reassure him that you have made some changes.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You have made such progress and are doing so well now. What makes you want to go back?

Yeah, im wondering if you feel you have something to prove? Do you feel you are not getting the recognition you deserve? From whom? I know i am freakin proud of you, not that i have any claim on you, but hey, you are one of us, one of ours. You keep showing up Your youth gives us hope about what can be accomplished. Quietly but strongly and awesomely. Not to discourage you from reconnecting with this pdoc, but why isnt some or more credit going to the np? Like is there a fear of getting too close or something?

[DelusionsDaily]

I do give the NP lots of credit. Just because I am interested in where he stands does NOT mean I intend to ask him right NOW. In fact it will probably be a while.

Thanks Hankster for the compliments. They are much appreciated.

But...I do have something to prove with him. I'm not sure what he actually believed about me but I have to prove I can be the best me I can be AND I want him to SEE it. I am becoming the best me I can be and despite our differences I want him to witness my wellness. If...he is willing...at some point.

[DelusionsDaily]

How about this one? Sorry...obsessing...I know...
------

Dear Doc

Recent awarenesses prohibits me from asking you to be my doctor again. I now have more work to do because of this new "revelation" before I can in good conscience ask you again. However, there are some questions I would like to ask you. Understand, I know that by answering these questions you in no way guarantee or have initiated the patient doctor relationship between us but I would greatly appreciate a response.

My questions for you are:
1) is it a possibility that you would take me as a patient again in the future?
2) if so, what would be your terms? How long from termination? What would you need to see from me? Etcetera, etcetera.
3) what would you expect from me as your patient?

I look forward to hearing from you. If you choose not to answer I will take this as a definitive "not a chance I would take you back as a patient, now or ever" and you will not hear from me again, no matter how difficult that is for me.

In terms of changes I have made, which was a suggestion to add after sharing with some people close to me. So, I'll keep this a little shorter because some of it was in a previous letter at the end of January 2014.

So, can you imagine a Melissa that has learned to manage her emotions in a healthy and balanced way? Well, that's exactly what I do today. Can you imagine a Melissa who hasn't had a crisis in almost a year? Again, that's exactly where I'm at...maybe a few months short. Can you imagine me uncovering new aspects of myself that have taught me to grow and get well without spiraling into crisis mode? This is exactly what has happened recently!

That's just the briefest synopsis of my growth since your termination of me. Oh, by the way that saved my life. It spurred me into ACTION! Thank you.

A huge reason I won't ask you to be my doctor right now, because recently, through mindfulness, I discovered I have lots of paranoia especially when my mind races. I need to work through this recent discovery BEFORE I ask you to actually be my doctor. It's the best way to give our possible patient doctor relationship more than a fighting chance. Something I am determined to give us, if you are willing to, at some point, give me yet another chance.

I know this letter was a bit long but I believe everything that needed to be said is stated here. Again, I look forward to hearing from you. If I don't hear from you...know that I wish you all the best. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Thanks,
Melissa

[unaluna]

I have wanted to let a previous t or two know how i was doing now, so i understand the impulse. With one, i was also in a horrible relationship (not with the t) so that was part of it, to let him know "we" were fine (until we SO weren't!). The other t - i have actually consulted with a couple of times on issues with my current t, and that has shown me how now i am SO past him. I dont think he could keep up with me now. Maybe he could, but i have something different with current t. Maybe prev t is "better", but this works.

Eta - why a letter? Is he not taking your calls? Because i think just your tone on the phone, to him or his voicemail or his receptionist, would demonstrate the personal growth you have attained. Ie the first part of this last letter is enough, imo.

[DelusionsDaily]

I'm not calling cuz I don't think he'd actually call me back. Just think I have better hopes of getting a letter. Tho if I really want an answer the hospital he's medical director at is 2 minutes from my home. I could corner him and demand answers....tho not likely to happen with me.

[DelusionsDaily]

Well, I sent a letter to pdoc! Ugh! It's a condensed version of last one I posted here. When will I learn to just let go?!?!?

[unaluna]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks! Not holding my breath but I had to try one more time.

[DelusionsDaily]

What was I thinking? He's almost certainly not going to respond! I had to be delusional to even think he MIGHT respond! I'm so ridiculous. He's not gonna get till Monday or Tuesday. I wish I could take back sending the letter. Too late. Just gotta wait n see what happens!

[DelusionsDaily]

Feeling really stupid for sending the letter but hopefully he responds today or tomorrow. Although he could just send a letter and that would mean a couple days to a couple weeks...IF he responds at all. I must love to torture myself. Grrr!

[unaluna]

Yeah, emailing or calling them always seems like such a good idea, then it completely turns into this whole OTHER thing! What is that??? Like Dr Phil says about kids not being able to see around corners. And im no kid!

[DelusionsDaily]

No word yet. He often runs late. So may still be seeing patient in private practice. Or he may not have gotten it yet.