What is resistance? Can it be in subtle details?

I have a really stupid question -

I don't understand vulnerability. I just do not compute. I know and believe my therapist won't shout at me/ be horrible/ laugh in my face if I was visibly vulnerable in a session.

But what good can it do?? What good to have her confirm that (with my attachment issues for example) no, I would never be a welcome part of her life outside the office? Or that no, she would never miss me the way I do her?

Or to take another example, what good can come from sobbing about my dead mother in front of my therapist? She can say some platitudes and look at me full of compassion and genuine empathy. But I know and she knows perfectly well that the clock chimes the hour, we say a pleasant goodbye and I go down the stairs in a million fragments of pain. Then she forgets about it or puts it in the appropriate mental box marked 'clients' but I stay stuck like that for hours/ days.

I often feel like I'm in a sort of concentration camp, and my T and friends and family are all on the other side of the fence - the safe side. It's more painful to me when I admit I'm in the concentration camp, acknowledging that yep I'm there by myself and on borrowed time, unlike them. Much easier to bear if I pretend I'm on the safe side of the fence too.

I so relate to everything you have said here. I had virtually the same conversation with my counsellor a while ago regarding the clock then we say a pleasant goodbye and I go away and fall apart until the next week while she carries on with her (mindful) life - full of joy and thankfulness - with no real idea of my suffering. She will never feel the pain I feel when I leave her, she will never miss me or want me like I want her (in a friendly / maternal way). It hurts so much.

Thank you IG. You help me see I am not totally alone. Xx

How do we move past this?

Therapy, in my experience, is a lot of pain. But my sense of it is that I was in a lot of pain anyway, and the only ways I knew to block that from consciousness were destructive to my life in other ways--so not a sustainable choice.

What makes it bearable is not being alone in it. A sense that it could be shared and that I had someone else who was able and willing to protect me from the damage and force of such pain. That the million fragments would be difficult to bear, but that I would come back together from it (remember that visualization?) The vulnerability for me wasn't about my attachment to my T--I just never even thought about that, partly because I didn't struggle much with attachment issues anyway, but also partly because I didn't at that time connect my survival to him personally, but rather to what he would do. I had absolute faith in his ability and stability in the process.

I think some of your feeling that there's no real point to vulnerability stems from your T's handling of the therapy frame. Your work with her before was all about being with her as a person for support, rather than being held securely by the frame of the therapy. She seems to be trying to create that frame more now. When it's there, and your T is secure in it, that security extends to you as a client. That the process can both contain the overwhelming pain and keep you safe in the face of it. The consistency and the experience of feeling the emotions that feel like they will swallow you, within a specified time and space, and that then life does go on, knowing that the pain will again be revisited--that what feels limitless in fact has limits, is protective. I don't think you've been allowed to experience that because your contact was so engulfing, yet inconsistent.

I know you have horses. I used to a long time ago. A trainer I worked with modeled some wonderful advice for me. When my horse (who was never abused and was well-trained) would shy at something, my first instinct was to take a time out and settle him. My trainer showed me that by doing so, I was communicating to my horse, "Yes, that was a very scary thing and we need to pay lots of attention to that in the future to stay safe." What he showed me to do was to ignore the shyness, and to firmly with no fuss correct the course and make the request (whatever I had asked the horse to do) again. That my horse would take security from my communicating "nothing to see here, move on." He was right. It was like a therapy frame for the horse.

FKM, my jaw is on the floor. This is the closest I have ever got to understanding the therapy frame in a tangible way that makes sense to me. A million thank yous!!!

What about when the horse-client has been abused, however? My mare was hurt and neglected before I got her. Took a long time to teach her little things. I've mentioned before about how she would panic and pull away from me, and I'd have to have her on a long line so I could keep hold of her but let her plunge away at the same time.

She's a dream now, a laid back happy horse.

I actually think I might not be suited to the frame thing. Perhaps this is why some people are impervious to psychotherapy. I don't want the frame

What troubles you about the frame?

Yeah, my first horse had been somehow abused. He was fine until anyone tried to tighten the girth--then he'd fly back. Broke lots of halters. I had to work very slowly with him. I did like you at first--no cross ties and a long line. Then he got so that he would stand in the cross ties, while I puttered about. I'd appear to reach for the girth, but not and keep moving onto brushing him or something. Then just release the girth and let it hang, all the while puttering and touching him elsewhere at the same time. It took months of such work, but his trust in me and in circumstances gradually increased.

The long line is still a frame. The frame isn't inflexible, but it is secure. Your horse and mine had to come to trust that we wouldn't let them hurt themselves. An out of control horse is very scary to itself, as well as others. Much like an out of control toddler is often very afraid. Just as it takes small steps to build a horse's confidence in himself as well as in us, it's the same with a T and client. Of course, it's more complex and intellectual, but at its root, I think the trust is very primal. For us it recalls or creates the sense of security we experienced or should have experienced around 12--36 months. That's usually the origin of attachment issues and bonding.

So how does a T do it? Through the frame. Time and place of sessions. Consistency of affect. Availability--but not uncontrolled availability. Non-judgmental acceptance. Calmness in the face of extreme emotion. Demonstrated empathy. Self-containment (not the same as blank slate). Ego strength. At first the frame supports us, even cradles us--we draw from it. As time goes on, we learn to internalize it as an extension of our T. When "boundary" issues flare up, it's often because we feel secure enough that a resistance has appeared. And because the frame is flexible, it can respond to such moments as needed. But all of this takes an aware T and one who is very secure in creating and handling the frame. Your T has been pretty erratic in the past in this regard and I think that has hampered your ability to gain a belief in yourself that you can survive your emotions. You're still breaking halters.

I feel cheated.

Before I was in therapy with this therapist, I was ALL ABOUT the frame, I really wanted the frame, I didn't know that's what it was called - but I really wanted the expertise of a great and skilfull therapist. I wanted the therapist to be kind, to 'click' with them, but I was 100% sure that it was the mysterious combination of talent, training and experience that can make therapy-magic happen. That I'd heal myself with their guidance.

Then I started with this therapist, and suddenly I didn't care about all that. All I knew is I loved her and then I grew confident that she loved me as well, and I though 'ah, so this is therapy, this is why it works, it's basically the relationship - it's love that heals' and I ardently believe that my T is very skilled and talented too, in terms of pointing out my defences and my skewed thinking and genuinely helping me see things differently.

But now, that seems to have been wrong too, and it's back to the first idea. It's exhausting. I feel if the frame had been there in the first place I wouldn't have tripped headlong down the rabbit hole of such intense love, it might all have been less intense and more calm.

Yeah, I feel cheated. But honestly, at the same time I'd never swap the intense love that grew from the time we had zero frame, because that acts as a reference point for me. Deep down, I do know that she cares authentically, even when I feel stung and hurt and horrific.

It's confusing.

Yes, I'm breaking halters all over the place. I need to think about whether I can effectively do attachment or trauma stuff with this T. I definitely always want her as a psychological coach, but not sure I can ever do the proper frame with her. We were never friends but there are parallels with why friends can't be our therapists. It feels messy. I can't bleach out all the stuff that happened that made the relationship expand way beyond a frame.

I feel irrationally sad.

This is a really good thread. Thank you for starting it.

I don't want to tell you to get a new therapist, but I want to mention that a lot that you say (not just above) makes me think you might be really well suited to be paired up with a therapist who is psychoanalytically trained, or if your therapist already is, then someone who is moreso.

It seems like there's a lot of conflict going on in your mind, but that you are doing a great job sorting through it via this thread.

I think you're drawing a false opposition between the "frame T" and the "love T. " The love is important, but I would suggest it isn't lessened by the frame, but rather, the frame supports and enhances it by providing a language within which the love can be communicated safely and without stress.

I think of it like holding a baby. I'm not a baby person. I like kids as they grow and become interactive, but babies seem kind of boring to me. I don't dislike them, just don't feel drawn to them. And yet, babies seem to be very satisfied when I hold them. If you hold a baby like it's a soap bubble that may break, it often fusses and cries. If you hold the baby gently, but securely, they are often calm because they feel emotionally and physically supported and secure. After decades of thought that swaddling was confining and constricting and even cruel, swaddling is making a huge comeback. Why? Because babies derive comfort from security and they sense that security through their physical experience of gentle pressure. I think about Temple Grandin and her sense even as a child that her terror was eased by gentle, steady physical pressure. There is a deep connection between our physical and psychological perceptions. What are hugs if not temporary swaddling?

The therapy frame is the invisible swaddling that allows for the communication of and reception of therapy love. It makes the love safe so that it can be attuned to what the client needs. Too much of a good thing isn't always better, and is often worse. "Showering" someone with love can create an addictive, but ultimately overwhelming and insecure bond. I think that's what your T unknowingly created. She seems to be trying to correct that course, and it feels like a loss now, but you may begin to feel the positive effects of that as time goes on, if she can remain consistent.

I'm definitely conflicted. My current T offers coaching as well and I maybe am more suited to that with her. When I last brought up my doubts about the relationship, she was very nice, said she was always there to go back to if I wanted and that she loved me. Then I decided not to take a break and stayed with her, and in the session she said I was 'dumping' her, ie denying that she cared and running away. But I never ever wanted to ditch my T - I was genuinely afraid it was bad for me to keep going. I don't ever want to not have her in my life, hence thinking about coaching if I can't do the deeper stuff. Though maybe it's all just a defence, and I'll be able to someday.

Excellent thread - so interesting and helpful. Thank you.

I had an awesome therapist once.. so sad he did not have his own practice.. anyway.. but it took me awhile to really let down my guard especially with him being male.. but once I took down the wall and let him in and see the raw emotion and break down completely and got down to the deep dark corners..there became this level of trust.. and if you have a therapist that you can tell genuinely really cares about her patients (as in you) she genuinely cares about you.. then you can be open and have that trust with that therapist. The trust has to be there... the wall must come down in order for them to see the raw emotion and be able to truly empathize ....

That all being said the reason I loved this therapist is becuz of something he always told us to go by.. his phrase was "a good therapist always has a therapist"... we unload alot of big deep stuff on them and if they arent seeing one then thwy either dont empathize (dont care) or arent healthy in the way they deal or dont believe in what they preach.. just something to think about