[JaneC]

Yes, I have been struggling! Already feeling intensely emotional and close to tears all the time, as some may remember.

At university today, I had a meeting for a community project I am working on, and one of my group/class mates accused me of lying!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!

I did her(and 2 others) a favour2 weeks ago and handed their marking sheets in to admin as I was putting my own in also, to save them the walk. It turns out that 3 of the forms went through, and 1 has been misplaced. I KNOW I put them all in the slot! And this person said she did not believe me and wants to know my explanation of why it wasn't handed in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I handled it well, I was calm and kindly told her the truth. She kept harassing me and telling me I was a liar.....all of this in front of other people.

I can not believe the audacity of some people, that they can treat you so poorly and not listen and hear the truth. I have no reason to lie!

I asked my class friends that were there afterwards what I should do, was I being too sensitive, was I in the wrong, did I react the wrong way? They said that I was "too nice", that I should have been tougher and told her to eff off. But that is not how I want to be. They think I am "too soft". One was really angry for me, because she has a close friend who has PTSD and she could see that I was struggling to keep it all together....... I had tears in my eyes and my voice was shaking.

I just can not handle these sorts of confrontations anymore! I know that I can't control what others think or say or behave......but it just affects me so strongly, especially if I feel that something is not fair!

On top of everything that is running through my head since last week and emailing my T that list of traumas.....I feel I am tipping over the edge.

I stopped on the way home and had to talk myself out of buying alcohol, I gave up drinking over 3 and a half years ago and if I start again it would be bad. I am having thoughts of not wanting to be here, even things like my boy would be ok because he may miss me, but he has a dad and step mother who love him. But the strong part of me would never leave my son, so long as I am sober I'll be fine.

I don't want to be in this sort of head space!!!!!!!!! I just feel so despairing and terribly alone.

How do you not allow the actions or words of others affect you so much?

Now I feel like I need to see my T for support for this.....and yet I don't want to face him either after the list of trauma I sent him last week!! I have an appointment booked tomorrow!! Gah.

So yes, I'm a bit of a mess and all over the place so please do excuse the ramblings. I could do with some support and ideas and....well.....help. Please.

[ThisWayOut]

[HazelGirl]

Your boy needs you here, and he needs you sober. Good job for making those choices despite how you feel!

It will pass. I promise. It will get easier. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it's not a train. It's the really long, dark passage to a life where you can be happier and free from what ties you down. Don't give up.

[junkDNA]

im having problems with this right now too. i dont have an answer. just wanted to say that i can relate. people can be insensitive and cruel. its hard not to judge everyone as being that way. i work in retail and things people say to me really affect me but i have to hide it while im there. then i come home and get upset and feel like a loser who cant handle living in todays society.

i hope ur T can help u thru this as well as help u feel more comfortable processing ur list of traumas

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your boy needs you here, and he needs you sober. Good job for making those choices despite how you feel!

It will pass. I promise. It will get easier. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it's not a train. It's the really long, dark passage to a life where you can be happier and free from what ties you down. Don't give up.

I do just feel like giving up....it all feels so terribly hard, and doing it alone feels a million times harder! I hate this ptsd shyte! I just want to hide away, I got home and pulled all the curtains and haven't moved from the sofa.

I just wonder how long it will take....to improve a bit. And I wonder how I will be able to talk to my T tomorrow....if I will.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I do just feel like giving up....it all feels so terribly hard, and doing it alone feels a million times harder! I hate this ptsd shyte! I just want to hide away, I got home and pulled all the curtains and haven't moved from the sofa.

I just wonder how long it will take....to improve a bit. And I wonder how I will be able to talk to my T tomorrow....if I will.

You can! I know you can!

I don't know what the timeline will be for you, but for me, the first 9 months of trauma work were absolute hell. Then I started to be able to handle it, and I can talk about it now, and be okay when I leave. But it's a journey, where the hardest part is at the beginning.

Jane...

Perhaps writing in a journal would help get some of those swirling thoughts out of your head...

Have you learned any skills like distraction and self care to help yourself during these bad times? I think you need to talk about the list tomorrow with your T...you need to tell him all your fears about giving him the list...

Do you have any support for yourself in regards to sobriety like AA or a group? If not, you may need to find something...someone... It's helpful to have someone to call...when the temptation is high and our Ts can't be available 24/7 like a sponsor can be...

[JaneC]

Jeez.....I've been in T for over 18 months and haven't started! Sigh.........

How will I ever get to a place where the impact of others has less of an intense reaction in me??

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Jane...

Perhaps writing in a journal would help get some of those swirling thoughts out of your head...

Have you learned any skills like distraction and self care to help yourself during these bad times? I think you need to talk about the list tomorrow with your T...you need to tell him all your fears about giving him the list...

Do you have any support for yourself in regards to sobriety like AA or a group? If not, you may need to find something...someone... It's helpful to have someone to call...when the temptation is high and our Ts can't be available 24/7 like a sponsor can be...

RTS, I am not that great at self care, but I do have a list of things to cope at times like this......I'll put a film on soon maybe....

I'm not sure how to talk about that darn list!! My heart feels like it's going to stop when I think about it.

I don't do AA, it wasn't useful for me in the early days, and I just know, deep in my bones I won't drink when I am like this. It led me to trying to take my life too many times in the past.......but it is a really strong indicator for me that I am not doing ok when I have the thoughts of wanting to.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Jeez.....I've been in T for over 18 months and haven't started! Sigh.........

How will I ever get to a place where the impact of others has less of an intense reaction in me??

I didn't start trauma work for almost a year. 18 months isn't unusual, but it really depends on the person. I think I started too soon, because everything was overwhelming me even before we started.

As for other people impacting you...I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. My T says I'm highly sensitive so it's just a part of who I am, I guess.

[anilam]

I'm in my 8th year...:/

Well, for me the best way to handle an argument is say what you want (I'm sorry but I did hand in all the papers, I can go with you to the admin office and tell them so) and that's it. Short and polite.Keeping at it is pointless, ppl only get work up. So after that I'd stop the discussion, either say so or with some ppl you need to walk away cause they just don't hear no as an answer.
Bit peeved at your friends... They really could have stand up for you...

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by anilam

I'm in my 8th year...:/

Well, for me the best way to handle an argument is say what you want (I'm sorry but I did hand in all the papers, I can go with you to the admin office and tell them so) and that's it. Short and polite.Keeping at it is pointless, ppl only get work up. So after that I'd stop the discussion, either say so or with some ppl you need to walk away cause they just don't hear no as an answer.
Bit peeved at your friends... They really could have stand up for you...

I did say what you mentioned....she just kept pushing. I think you are right, I should have stopped the discussion. Unfortunately we had to keep talking as we had business to discuss for the project.

Thank you for being peeved for me.....

My friends tried a little......but were more trying to get her to see reason rather than tell her to shut up! It is a fine balance in class. And I could see that they didn't want to get on this persons bad side either.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Jane

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I really feel for you and I totally relate. i am exactly the same as you - I am always told by friends that I am "too nice" but they don't always mean it as a compliment. They want me to stand up for myself more. I get so emotional when it involves my son and I am currently in the middle of a really nasty situation involving my son and some other families which is so upsetting that I just dissolve into tears every time it is discussed. I am a mess.

I just want you to know that I relate so well to every word you wrote. I have been seeing my T for 18 months too but I think I am in a worse place now than when we started!

I send you love and strength. You are not alone.
Keep strong

I work in customer service where people are vile to me all day then I go home and my H is vile and my friends.... they are just not there for me. I know what you mean about the drink too - I did this over the weekend and although it felt good for a while it is wrong and not good. Jane, I relate so much. xx

[sweepy62]

Jane, good job for not drinking, sorry you are going through all of this, people are cruel sometimes, but as hazelgirl said, your boy needs you. I know you are struggling with your emotions right now with, t and trauma talk. Usually when you are in the middle of trauma talk, I swear, **** seems to hit the fan, and everything that can go wrong seems to go wrong. I know you can handle it. Plus you always have our support here. T will not let you process trauma when there are other stressors in your life.

Jane...not sure what time your session is but I'll be thinking about you! Even if you don't talk about the content of the list...talk about your fears about it...like thinking about it changing how he sees you...stuff like that... It may help relieve some of the distress you are having...

[JaneC]

This really is having a huge impact on me, and my ability to cope with anything else in my life. And that really pisses me off!

My sister called this evening, and we have issues, I can not talk to my family about any of this, they do not get it or me. My sister says they care, but the just can't talk about stuff, because they have a different perspective to me. She says that she wants to help and then tells me in the same breath that she just can't hug me. She can't with family, but that she can and does with all of her friends!!!!!! Awesome. That made me feel great. I was crying and a mess on the phone....and...way to make me feel better. You can't hug me, when I just tell you that all I need in the world is a hug from someone who cares???????

It just reinforces all of the **** that is in my head about myself......and this is not going to get easier if we move to trauma talk!

RTS...my appointment is in the afternoon, after a full day at university. Depends where you are in the world, not sure, but that's late night for you all stateside. Thanks for thinking of me anyway.

Aloneandafraid..... just sweetie. I'm sorry you are struggling so too. Also, hun, I hope you don't mind if I say this. I just know that drinking never once helped me feel better in the long run, and in the short term when I did, it was almost deadly. At least now I get a chance to face my dark demons sober, that gives me a better chance of getting ahead. Take care of yourself.

Sweepy.... just, thank you.

I haven't felt this low for a while, and I'm really hurting. I hope I can get the support I need with T tomorrow....if I can get myself to face him.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thinking of you Jane. Thank you for your response to my post. I know you are right. I am sorry you are going through all of this. Good luck with your appt. tomorrow. I really relate to everything you have posted.