I'm new here and fairly new to therapy (about 10 weeks). After the last session I felt truly awful, I had to hold back from crying for two days as my kids were home. They went back to school today and it was a relief to be able to be alone to cry. I'm wondering how exactly this is helping me? I can understand it would help if I felt the emotion in my session with my therapist and she sat quietly with me and shared it. The session with her triggered childhood feelings, but I didn't start feeling them till after.

The other issue I have is that I have doubts about whether I should carry on with my therapist. She talks so much, we have fallen into this pattern where I say something to begin (she always waits for me to start). From then on we follow her train of thought, there is no silence, any small gaps are filled by her. She 'challenges' me (her words) on things and I try hard to understand where she is coming from. When I have mentioned things that I am emotional about she skips off onto other things quickly. It's only this week, that, as I felt really traumatised by her challenges (which to be honest were quite tame, but to me seem huge), I've really thought about what is happening and have thought maybe this isn't working for me. I would prefer her to be trying to understand me, and I feel that it is too early to be challenged - I want to tell her my story. I have emailed her that I won't go again. Now I am unsure for two reasons:

firstly, I think I would benefit from talking to her about what I see happening and we might be able to resolve it, however I worry |I might end up feeling even more traumatised. I can't help noticing that the way we are together is a bit of a pattern for me in other relationships - I listen to others more than talking, particularly my mother.

secondly, I do have attachment to her and I was thinking that if I do return and encourage her to sit with me in silence, it might somehow make my 'trauma' feelings better. Before the summer break I was surprised to feel intense uncomfortable emotion, clearly about the impending break, and this is the one session when we did have some silence and I really felt 'held' and felt better.

She rarely smiles, I was wondering how she'd take it if I ask her to smile more, when she does I enjoy the warmth. However my other thought is: its not my job to make her a better therapist.

[Soccer mom]

I am much more emotional after my sessions but it has gotten better. I think I realize things more once I've left than when I'm in there.
You need to be able to tell her what you need/can tolerate/want. If she can't adapt to you, then it might be time to find another T. But, give her a chance. She may be acting that way for certain reasons (minus the smiling).

[Leah123]

I would share everything you've written here with her: therapists need feedback as every client is different and does best with slightly different methods.

As for dealing with the feelings alone, it is important to find people you can share them with: that's part of the therapeutic path for many. One of the easiest ways to start is by posting here. Other options include support groups, striking up friendships with other people who have similar issues (I've even had decent luck w/craigslist), and slowly opening up to those already in your life in some cases, learning to give a little more trust to your spouse, other family, or other people in your circle who might be able to help.

I also find it very helpful and healing to share these feelings with my therapist as they happen, whether that's writing her an email, calling her for a bit or writing something to give her later, which helps me work through it a bit. Some therapists are very open to these things, if yours can't provide them, you might still try journaling so you can let her know what it's like for you by sharing those writings once you get to session.

In addition, though, of course, we won't always have someone nearby when we're feeling upset, and so it's important to nurture ourselves- treat yourself to something (a little indulgent reward for your work in therapy and a good distraction!), comfort yourself (wrap up, hot bath, music, nap, whatever form comfort takes for you), or maybe think of others who are also hurting and reach out to them, whether that's posting on a forum like this, volunteering, or making a soldier a care package or something.

Therapy can be so intense, and feel overwhelming: I find it best to use a few strategies to make it healing and as bearable as possible. One thing to hold onto though: part of therapy is painful, and part of the journey is learning to get comfortable with the emotional pain, to accept it and honor it and realize it will pass, like everything else, and to make meaning out of it, changing what we need to change, grieving as we need to, and that helps resolve the pain so in the end we feel much better.

The emotions were already there causing discomfort or else we wouldn't seek therapy.
Unfortunately we do have to deal with the outside therapy world too.
Eventually as we get stronger because of therapy, we are able to tolerate negative emotions alone.
We cannot remain in a session 24/7, at some point we have to learn to deal with the world.

[someone321]

Welcome on PC Brown Owl

I agree with Leah regarding sharing your doubts with your therapist... Then you could see if she can accommodate to your needs or if you would prefer someone else. My therapist asks me from time to time if I prefer her talking more or less and she listens and try to accommodate. If something doesn't work, I tell her about it and usually she doesn't do the same "mistake" twice.

When it comes to being triggered by therapy... Yeah, it happens to me too and too often but I've realized that after some months it started getting better... And my therapist said that there it isn't possible that I won't be triggered and that it will happen from time to time, hopefully less often in the future but for this reason we have to work on coping skills and what to do if it happens...

I hope that you'll be able to talk about all your concerns with your therapist... Good luck

[pbutton]

I think it helps teach me that I can deal with these emotions, that they will not to overwhelm me, and thst they are fleeting. Hard to remember that while I the thick of it though.

Thanks for your responses. One of the hard things for me is that I started therapy for a physical health problem (I believe mind and body are interconnected and think that my emotions are related to my health problem). I was feeling really emotionally stable at the time I started therapy, I was sleeping well, everything was fine, except that I was sad about my health. I'm not used to having to deal with my emotions which were well and truly buried (I have always wondered why I didn't feel much emotion). I found it helpful and thought provoking what you wrote Leah - what I didn't say in my post is that I also waited until my husband was asleep and then went downstairs for a little cry. I didn't want him to know I'm sad - I don't want to be that sad person.

I read soccer mum's thread about who leads the conversation, and I was so surprised that it seems to be mainly the therapist who leads - my expectation is that the therapist would try to enable the client to lead it - to try to reduce the power that the therapist has over the client. I'm feeling a bit sceptical about the kind of therapy my therapist is doing. I feels somehow there is a focus on my therapist interpreting, analysing and changing me. But what I want is to be accepted and listened to. I really just want to talk about my feelings which, as my therapist knows - I never have to anyone.

I've emailed my therapist back and I am going to go again. I'm trying to plan a way to discuss this with her without attacking her, but I am so afraid she'll do some interpretation of this (challenge me). I am really not a confident person, and I am really afraid to have this conversation.

[unaluna]

If she talks too much, you might try to find someone else. I would be crying too if i had to pay to listen to somebody. That would just not happen. What is her problem?? She does not have the answers.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Valium is key.

I don't know a better way.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You have the right to ask your T for changes...she also has the right to say no.

My T tried her "normal" approach with me first...it wasn't working. We have since had to keep adjusting: both of us. Things change: situations, people... You have to adapt or move on.

As far as the smiling, I can completely relate. My Pdoc is an intimidating woman. Once she started smiling, I started to feel comfortable with her. I, in a sense, reinforced her when she smiled and laughed, and now she does it much more often. So you don't necessarily have to ask her to smile more. Just when she does smile, tell her how much you value her smile.

Sometimes, you have to train your T

[kororain]

What you're describing emotionally... I think that's normal. After my 3rd session, I called T to tell her I wouldn't be coming back because I was triggered so badly that I wanted to kill myself a few days after each session. Her response was, "Oh... we're moving too fast. We can slow down. We can find a safe place."

You just need to talk about it with T.

My emotions were so severe, I thought I couldn't come back, or I would literally be dead... but we worked it out. I still get emotional and things... all the time... but I think that's just part of processing the stuff you discuss.

Thanks again for your replies. I'm still going back and forth about whether I'm going to go again (I didn't actually email her that I was going, just that I was undecided). On the one hand I say to myself that I am definitely not going as she is a trained, experienced therapist who is unable to listen and smile, I need to see someone else, and not keep delaying the decision. On the other hand I wonder if I am leaving just at the important part (which has come far too soon), and that if I talk to her about all this she will listen and smile.

I've never taken valium. I'm a big beleiver in placebos, I think they are really effective, so your post made me think that I must try rescue remedy.

[Leah123]

I think you'll do yourself a disservice if you don't share what you've written with her. It's a common saying that our issues follow us and there's no reason to believe you wouldn't have the same issues with a new therapist. It doesn't sound like she's done anything unprofessional and if you're feeling emotionally challenged and attached, that's actually a good sign to me. Therapy does bring out pain, that's part of the process, and getting used to crying is important. But she should be able to help you with all of that, and if you don't give your therapists feedback, how will they be able to work with you?

Because you could switch, but none will be perfect- all will need feedback, it's a give and take process.

I do hear that you're feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you could give her the chance to hear that and help you with it. Or, if you were honest with her and she couldn't help, then you'd know with more confidence to look for someone else, knowing you'd tried to communicate your needs.

Thanks so much everyone for your supportive and encouraging posts. I emailed my T some of my thoughts, and had my session with her today. I have barely slept the last few days, I was really apprehensive about it. We had a great session and I am really happy to be carrying on with her. I'm not quite sure how I feel about having sent her an email that basically said she was 'useless' (her words). I now see that she very clearly isn't.