[healed84]

So, I know that one of the strategies that some Ts use is one where the encourage attachment to them and really encourage talking through their issues together. In doing so, it can model how relationships outside of the T room should go.

I am struggling with this ALOT lately. T is great, he is available when I need him, he has been understanding when I bring up issues with how he has mishandled things, he has be patient with me, etc. However, my problem is.. most people aren't as great as T. And T is only great, because it is his job to be great. I know that it doesn't mean he doesn't care for me, but I am saying.. In our T client relationship, he sees my needs and he responds to them.

So, how am I supposed to carry what I am learning from T over to my other relationships, when they aren't as great as T? Does that make sense? It is great I can open up to T, but I don't feel like I have anybody in my life that is near as trustworthy as T.. and I only find him trustworthy b/c he has an obligation of confidentiality.

Does any of this make sense to anybody?

[Aloneandafraid]

Makes complete sense to me and is something i continually struggle with. That and the whole T is a facade thing. I relate totally. And I have tried trusting and have been badly hurt by a friend i recently opened up to. This is really difficult.

[ThisWayOut]

I have issues with that too sometimes. It's difficult when t's model health, ideal relationships that are difficult to achieve outside of the confines of therapy. I think the point is to then take what we learn in t and use parts of it as appropriate. We can't ever control other people's reactions, but we can control our own. We can take the positives from t and offer it to others with a hope then that others also learn from it. But t's can also teach us to take risks, top open up when we are totally closed off. It's a learning processes to find out who is safe to open up to (and how much we can or should disclose to each person). I know with t I have learned that I need to balance my openness even with those closest to me. I can be a bit more honest and open in relationships with less risk (on anonymous forums, with people who are dealing with similar issues, etc), but also to be choosy with what I open up about to my family and friends.

[HazelGirl]

Other people are as great as T, you just have to find them. I would say that maybe you're not around very healthy people?

[healed84]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Other people are as great as T, you just have to find them. I would say that maybe you're not around very healthy people?

I have some unhealthy people in my life.. but the majority aren't that way, they just don't as safe as T!

Originally Posted by healed84

So, I know that one of the strategies that some Ts use is one where the encourage attachment to them and really encourage talking through their issues together. In doing so, it can model how relationships outside of the T room should go.

I am struggling with this ALOT lately. T is great, he is available when I need him, he has been understanding when I bring up issues with how he has mishandled things, he has be patient with me, etc. However, my problem is.. most people aren't as great as T. And T is only great, because it is his job to be great. I know that it doesn't mean he doesn't care for me, but I am saying.. In our T client relationship, he sees my needs and he responds to them.

So, how am I supposed to carry what I am learning from T over to my other relationships, when they aren't as great as T? Does that make sense? It is great I can open up to T, but I don't feel like I have anybody in my life that is near as trustworthy as T.. and I only find him trustworthy b/c he has an obligation of confidentiality.

Does any of this make sense to anybody?

Yes!! I've thought so much about this lately. How am I ever going to feel safe with anyone other than my therapist? I can't imagine getting into a serious, long-term relationship with a partner who is not in touch with their feelings and issues like a therapist is. I am struggling with this now too. A lot.

The therapy relationship is not like other relationships--there is an imbalance of power, which is the nature of an attachment relationship, which is also why it promotes transference so strongly (it is more like the parent-child relationship than others). You need from your therapist, but your therapist doesn't need from you. That makes it totally different than romantic relationships, which are ideally equal.

So, how am I supposed to carry what I am learning from T over to my other relationships, when they aren't as great as T?

The modeling helps tremendously in this area. More with my last therapist than my current one, I think the boundaries are one of the most useful aspects that apply to other relationships. I don't mean boundaries in terms of 'limits' that are usually discussed on this forum. I mean boundaries in terms of defining your sense of self. What emotions come from you vs. what's coming from the therapist. That how other people relate to and feel about you has little to nothing to do with you, and more to do with them.

I wish I could talk about this more, but I really have to get going!

[stopdog]

I thought the idea was to change brain synapses.

[always_wondering]

Originally Posted by healed84

So, I know that one of the strategies that some Ts use is one where the encourage attachment to them and really encourage talking through their issues together. In doing so, it can model how relationships outside of the T room should go.

I am struggling with this ALOT lately. T is great, he is available when I need him, he has been understanding when I bring up issues with how he has mishandled things, he has be patient with me, etc. However, my problem is.. most people aren't as great as T. And T is only great, because it is his job to be great. I know that it doesn't mean he doesn't care for me, but I am saying.. In our T client relationship, he sees my needs and he responds to them.

So, how am I supposed to carry what I am learning from T over to my other relationships, when they aren't as great as T? Does that make sense? It is great I can open up to T, but I don't feel like I have anybody in my life that is near as trustworthy as T.. and I only find him trustworthy b/c he has an obligation of confidentiality.

Does any of this make sense to anybody?

You are correct in saying T's are great, because they are paid to be and better be! I don't think we are suppose to carry over what we are learning to other relationships, I think our T's are suppose to somehow repair what we did not get from our parents, and carry the feeling of safety, security and stability so we can better our relationships with others.

This is what my T has done for me. I feel more self secure since I began therapy. I look at relationships in a new light. When I meet someone new or analyze an existing relationship, I think about what this person really means to me. Does this person add anything to my life or take something away? Do I really need to take in this relationship, or just let it go?

I really appreciate my T. He has absolutely changed my life. It hurts when his façade comes down, and I realize he is doing this because it's his career, but at the same time, I love it when he actually shows he really does care. Now, the saga continues, I just have to take the next step of feeling so secure with myself so I can actually let go of my T!

[Asiablue]

I was thinking about this about an hour or so ago! I am confused too. But I think what some others have said sounds correct, that maybe it's about us learning our own limits and boundaries, if we have a healthy inner world where we can trust ourselves to keep ourselves safe, then we can choose better, healthier more satisfying relationships in the future.
People won't respond to us like a therapist does but I believe there must be people out there who add something positive to our lives, we won't get everything we need from one or two people but we'll look to lots of people for different things, and we'll also add something to their lives in turn.
I hope this is the case.

[rainbow8]

I can relate to this thread too. I have a great T, and the way I relate to her is different from how I relate to anyone else. I can carry over some of what I've learned from her, however, like having eye contact, being honest, and improving my listening skills. No one in real life is ever going to be there for me like my T because she's more like a perfect mother, sister, partner, and friend all rolled up into one person! That's just the way therapy is. We can have "good enough", satisfying relationships in real life, though, and that's what I think we can learn in therapy.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by healed84

I have some unhealthy people in my life.. but the majority aren't that way, they just don't as safe as T!

Maybe you just haven't trusted them enough to learn that they're at least close to as safe as T?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I thought the idea was to change brain synapses.

That's part of it, definitely. But part is also modeling what healthy relationships look like, as well.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

That's part of it, definitely. But part is also modeling what healthy relationships look like, as well.

I would never look to a therapist for modeling anything. I know some others do and great, just not for me. I might can buy the synapse thing, but not the idea of modeling. Plus I was just giving my own answer.

[unaluna]

I think its like tennis. If you only play with people worse than you, wtf, how are you ever going to learn? Youll never get a volley going. Youll spend the whole time serving and chasing down balls as the other person misses it. Whereas if you play with someone who can help you develop your forehand and your backhand, then when you meet another tennis player IRL, get my drift? Thats how the synapses work. You dont want to marry Jimmy Connors, you just want him to coach you for a while.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would never look to a therapist for modeling anything. I know some others do and great, just not for me. I might can buy the synapse thing, but not the idea of modeling. Plus I was just giving my own answer.

Your answer was right, though. A part of it is changing how our brains are wired.

For those of us who only had abusive relationships modeled and who don't know how to interact with people in a healthy manner, having a healthy person show us is incredibly valuable. I know I have no freaking clue what a "normal" non-abusive relationship is like. And so it matters greatly to me that my T would model that and show me by her relationship to me.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your answer was right, though.

I think we all have our own opinions and aren't in a position to judge whether others' are right or wrong. There are no authorities here.

Therapy is a unique process for each of us and we will all come to it with different desires and take away different things from it.

[archipelago]

It's true that usually the therapy relationship is committed to being safer and unlike other relationships. The therapist is not supposed to abandon, harm, or place demands on us. They are not supposed to express their needs in ways that a reciprocal relationship does. So even if it is a relationship and intimate, it is still a therapeutic, working one.

I don't think the idea is that we go out expecting the same thing in other relationships. I think the idea is that we develop a broader repertoire for how to be related to someone and so are more flexible, less stuck, less fearful, and so on when we turn to people with whom we want a reciprocal relationship of whatever kind.

The relationship with the therapist is sometimes called a vehicle through which the therapy is conducted. So even as it is held as central by some, there are other things things that are going on. The therapeutic relationship makes it safe to approach those things. You wouldn't necessarily want to process stuff like that with someone who wasn't a therapist. And you can't really expect that someone would be able to sustain listening, openness, and appropriate responsiveness like a therapist is supposed to. Sure in an ideal world we would find people who are that respectful and generous with us. I don't find it very often. I've learned to stop expecting it or only expecting it in certain groups, like when I go to a meditation center or talk to people who are also experienced with therapy. But then I don't really feel that I need much more than I have right now.

It's the relationship you have with yourself that will carry itself forward.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your answer was right, though.

Yes, I know I was right. I was speaking of one theory and myself.

Originally Posted by healed84

So, how am I supposed to carry what I am learning from T over to my other relationships, when they aren't as great as T? Does that make sense? It is great I can open up to T, but I don't feel like I have anybody in my life that is near as trustworthy as T.. and I only find him trustworthy b/c he has an obligation of confidentiality.

One other thing that I know I carry over, and maybe that you can too, is emotional intimacy. Everything I know about intimacy I learned from my last therapist.

And with this therapist, I think I get more of the total package. I feel like we are picking up where I left off in terms of childhood development. Aside from the relational aspects, I think having self-worth and a higher quality life in terms of feeling more free, being more true to yourself, having a more fulfilling life in terms of hobbies, career, etc. all carries over.This in itself will allow you to trust more.

One of the most important aspects to a relationship in my view/as I've learned, is that a healthy relationship consists of two separate individuals who are connected, intimate, bonded. Much different than an attachment relationship with a therapist.

Loving someone includes letting them be who they are and go their own way. Freedom and lack of need to 'control'; boundaries. Well, less neediness altogether is another aspect. This is also where the sense of self stuff comes in.

Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

It's the relationship you have with yourself that will carry itself forward.

If I had read Mouse's response before I posted, it would have saved me a lot of typing!

This is so true.