Becoming aware of the differential of time.

Went back to T today after the weeks break. IN the begining a weeks break was simple. Now that I feel a whole lot more, even a week is painful.

Normally I am able to hold the return to therapy up like a carrot on a stick to myself, but couldn't seem to do that this time. To aware of the absence off T.

I was consumed with powerful emotions in T today. On the drive over I done something I havent done since I stopped drinking over 4yrs ago. I was fantasing how lovely sitting on a park bench and passing the bottle between fellow alkes would be, not a healthy thought.

I arrived feeling angry. T said talk about it, and I said its hard talking to someone that is the object of my anger. Then I kinda of drifted in between "states". I was aware of how bad I felt last week, how uncared for it felt not being cared for in my normal sessions. T said didn't I feel that she cares about me even when she's not there? I said NO!. I feel as if you put me outside and then bring me in again. But the confusion going on inside was awful. These voices and feelings were screaming at T "abandoner" But *I* know that isnt right. I know she cares but I couldn't "look" at that. MY pain was much louder then my sense.

I eventually broke down and hid my head. I haven't done that in a while and had learnt to cry sitting up. But today I felt I had gone backwards. I told T I know she isn't an abandoner but I feel as if this other me is more powerful. T said you are being reminded of something. Yes thats what it is. Not just my original abandoment by my bio mum but all the emotional abandoment by my adoptive mum. That feeling of not being cared enought about! It rips you apart!

Toward the end of session I told T about my drink fantasy. She said it must seem a safe place to be right now? where nothing is expected of you and somewhere where you don't need anyone? But in reality its not a safe place to be. I know that. I know I won't drink. But that tearing pain inside of not being cared about is awful. I must say to myself. That was then, its not now.

Hey Mouse,
Great that you discussed this with your T! Yes, sounds like she DOES care! I am so happy that you are facing and dealing with this difficult crap.
Very brave to visit this stuff, both recognizing it to self and also the disclosure to your t. I'm proud of you, and know I care as well.
I find I move 'forward' when my t incites some anger feelings in me.....especially afterwards upon my reflection of it and so on.
Keep the bravery, I find it inspiring.

Mouse, that sounds like a really good session, even though painful. ((((hugs)))) I agree you are really brave to face this stuff as it comes up with your T.

Talulah, it's interesting to me that you said you had been angry at your T also. I've read that from others here too. Mouse, I'm not trying to sidetrack your thread, but I wonder, am I the only one who has never been angry at her therapist? I have had 2 therapists and was never angry in session with either one. I don't do anger well at all (or know how to experience it, really) so I guess it's no surprise I also would never be angry at T. I admire everyone who can just let themselves be angry.

Sunrise. This is the first time that I've "let" myself direct my anger toward T. yesterday I felt really bad for the rest of the day because I felt maybe I had harmed T in someway, or been mean after all the dedication she has put in for me. But then those are the old tapes that were always thrown at me as a child, messages like I'm ungrateful, that I am hurting my adoptive mother, blah blah blah.

I nearly emailed T and said I can't do this anymore incase I hurt her, but my adult mind reasured me that this is the therapy process. That T knows this is stuff that isn't so much about me and her as more the past coming out into the now because I must feel she is safe enought to handle my anger.

I'd always thought that I fantasied T was my "perfect" mother so that I could get all the love and caring I missed out on growin up. Now I see I also have a need to have her and the "bad" mother so I can finally express all my pain and anger that is festering inside. That has been a big eye opener.

I just feel inside that at last my anger and fears and desperation can be heard safely and acknowledged and finally let go off.

Its amazing to me the needs we have for people in our lifes to help us play out our "dramas".

Wow mouse, sounds similar to me as well.

I don't get angry often at t but when I do, I have a really hard time letting it go to her. I may tell her I'm angry but say I don't know why etc. (which is true).

Once she said something mid-session, I got so angry my face turned red and I sobbed, heaved really because I cried so hard. She said, "ouch, I pushed a button somewhere, what button did I push". I couldn't articulate at that time what happened.

I left the session so angry and mulled it over for a week. I was up and down as to why. I was also mad that I didn't scream at her, or tell her off in a wicked way as I would probably do to someone else. Next session I returned and we talked about it and wow.....what an awesome session, one of the best.

So......what exactly do you do or say to tell your t you're mad??? I get mad but find it so hard to unleash at her, I find it so misdirected in that way. But, later become mad at myself for not doing it.

My t says it's ok for me to be mad or even mean to her. She says she is tough and she can take it. Sometimes I swear, she does stuff to make me mad, to incite my anger because its so inward directed and the angry feelings get us so much further in therapy if we can discuss....

I don't think you need worry about hurting your t. I'll even bet some people do horribly mean or rude things in therapy and t can take it.

Talulah, Well putting into words on here it doesn't seem like my anger was anger at all. I guess its a mixture of me feeling the anger inside of me plus trying to put it outside.

Yesterday I remember Telling T I thought she was an "abandoner". I did say afterwards that its almost like I'm totally split in 2 because though I;m feeling as if she is, and have a need to tell her she is, I know she isn't but I just have to say it to her.

She asked if I didn't feel she cared about me when she isn't there? Yet again I know on some level she does but I had to tell her I felt she just picked me up and dropped when she wanted too.

I knew in a tiny corner of my mind this isn't true, but my inside forces were so strong and the past was so present I just had to do it and say it.

Normally I squash any feelings of anger because, well because it didn't feel quite as real as yesterday. But it seems its gettingn closer to the suface and the past is becoming more consious.

I need to start fridays session by telling her that I am slightly nervous about how she may feel with my attitude toward her if it occurs again. But then again I know she will be fine.

I've done the short outbursts in the past where Ive said something like "%#@&#! you" when a break was looming. But that was different to this anger. This anger seems to have a more direction and content with it. Not just a jab. If that makes sense.

Oh dear I do feel I rattle on at times lol sorry.

No apologies on rambling! All very good insights mouse.

It seems you're really getting somewhere in therapy (even if you don't feel like it) I'm very excited for you! Because I sense Friday will yield a very intense session and this will be a good thing.

I like your idea about friday and how you will start is a great idea. You sound so freaking similar to my head!!!! With regards to the caring issue, my t says the same and asks me the same. Truth is, they care at some level when we leave but I wish it were more constant ya know? Often my inner-child, insecure side wants more, more more! Care, care, care dammit!! I wished she mused about me in my absence, is that weird or what??? I want to "feel" her caring between my weekly visits. I want to feel like she likes or cares for me better than others.

I know, my intelect reminds me of what's going on so its this constant puch and pull...I have to be realistic about the realtionship. I'm asking for unreasonable care or more care than what is appropriate to the situation. It just feels like I wished I was her 'project' and making me well a goal she sets her mind to as much and as often as I do....every day....

Tell your t, do it just keep saying it as much as you need to. If you're like me at all, I have visited this concept of her "care" for me so often. I've also dropped out of therapy once with her and nearly a second time due to my fear of her dropping me....so abandonment was an issue for me and I asked her over and over if she would ever drop me out of therapy due to this or that...

She finally said, she'd never drop me and there was nothing I could do to change that. She emails (very few) with a little "I'm not going anywhere!" if I retreat for a bit. I've run the gamut of options with her for reassurance on what happens if.......(you get sick, you die, you drop me, you move) etc........

I guess I need reassurance, and maybe more reassurance, even on the same stuff. Talk to your t openly about what would/could happen in all scenarios. It might make you feel better. please tell me how it goes down mouse....