[StarLight25]

I have been working with my male therapist about 9 months now. In the beginning of therapy there was zero touch- not even a handshake. I didn't have any expectation of what therapy would be like or anything to compare it to so I figured that was the norm.

Over the last 2 months, T has slowly been adding in touch. First it started with a pat on the back or a quick back rub as I was exiting his office. Then it has progressed to him asking me for a hug after every single session (twice a week). These were quick side hugs with one arm. I have never asked for a hug.

On Monday upon entering his office, 10 minutes into the session he asked if he could massage my shoulder because I seemed tense. I was kind of taken back but said ok. He got up from his chair and sat next to me and rubbed my shoulder for about 20-30 seconds and encouraged me to relax.

Today after a particularly intense session recounting specifics of CSA he asked if he could give me a "real hug". I said sure and we embraced for a minute straight.

Is this appropriate? I don't have any romantic feelings towards him, and generally feel safe, but I'm wondering about the increase in physical touch and if it's ethical. I don't really feel uncomfortable, but if it went any further I would. I don't want anything to ruin the rapport I have with him.

[Asiablue]

The hugs aren't particularly concerning in my opinion but the massage seems a bit inappropriate, especially since there was no discussion about it beforehand, about why he thinks it's therapeutically relevant. What kind of therapist is he, what is his approach?

[kaliope]

it creeped me out reading it but I don't touch a lot of people. I don't think there is anything inappropriate at this point but if it goes any farther or makes you uncomfortable it certainly would be.

[precaryous]

Have you discussed touch/boundaries at all yet?

It troubles me that, as a T, he would feel free to engage you in touch in such ways knowing you are a CSA survivor. I have been told that T's usually are more cautious with boundaries with survivors to maintain a safe, reliable, stable environment for therapy and to avoid any confusion.

Please talk to him about this. It doesn't sound right to me.

[StarLight25]

His approach is humanistic.

[archipelago]

Most of the time it is better if the client ask the therapists although some are afraid to and so therapists sometimes offer if they have picked up that the client would benefit but doesn't feel up to asking.

I don't think anything should be initiated by him without explicit or implicit permission from you. And if improper touching is a topic of concern in current sessions it is best that the therapist show lots of respect for boundaries, space, and all of that.

It doesn't sound like this person is trying to do anything wrong, but it does sound like he could be a little bit more careful.

[HazelGirl]

It seems like it is moving towards inappropriate. It sends up warning flags.

But the biggest indicator that it's inappropriate? You're asking whether it is. If you need to ask, especially when it comes to physical touch in therapy, it probably is.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Like kaliope, it creeped me out reading it, but I'm very sensitive to touch. I think it would bother me if the T asked me for a hug. I would rather ask T for a hug (not that I ever would, of course).

I don't think anything inappropriate is occurring yet, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell your T that.

[junkDNA]

reading this triggered me (not ur fault) bc what happened with my former T. to me it seems like red flags. but i may be biased. im probably not being objective. but yeah, i dont like the way its progressing.

[Leah123]

Yes, he's crossing the line.

Not necessarily the line of platonic touch to sexual, I can't be sure of that, but the more important line of thoughtful, respectful interaction.

His touch is not thoughtful or he would have spoken to you about it, and more than likely let you lead or ask.

That and the rapid progression is concerning and deserves a conversation, and I think your instincts are telling you the same thing. Always trust your instincts is my advice.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It seems like it is moving towards inappropriate. It sends up warning flags.

But the biggest indicator that it's inappropriate? You're asking whether it is. If you need to ask, especially when it comes to physical touch in therapy, it probably is.

This.

I think any hugs should be initiated by the client. The therapist could potentially ask "do want a hug?" or "do you feel ok about getting a hug?" but IMHO should not be asking for a hug (ie "can I have a hug?" isn't kosher from a T). I don't think that a massage is ever appropriate.

[pmbm]

I feel like the fact that he is asking for a hug after every session is a red flag. I've been hugged and held by several therapists, but most times I've requested the touch with no prior suggestion from the therapist. And if the therapist suggests the touch first, it's usually been up to me to request it after that.

[sailorboy]

I've hugged therapists and it was completely ethical and appropriate. But if you feel uncomfortable there's probably a reason.

[growlycat]

I've hugged T's but your situation bothers me because
1. He knows you are a CSA survivor
2. He seems to be initiating all contact
3. To me a massage is outside the norm
4. He has not discussed what it means to be touched for you. Has he even asked if you like it???

Hugs can be appropriate in therapy but your T is making me uncomfortable!!

[BonnieJean]

A pat on the back or shoulder seems innocuous. A t initiating a hug after every session would be concerning to me. I agree that the request for a hug should come from the client. Crossing the room and massaging a shoulder is the red flag for me. I wasn't present so this is just based on thinking about what the op said.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with something that is making you uncomfortable. Personally, I don't think a therapist should EVER initiate a hug or ask for a hug. If it's a therapist who incorporates touch into his/her practice, that should be talked about in-depth before any touch is used. In the very beginning of my sessions with my former therapist, I was sitting in her waiting room when she exited her office with another client. The client stepped forward and held out her arms to my x-therapist and said, "Can I have a hug?" I cringed inwardly. I don't like to be hugged or touched. My x-therapist gave her hug and the woman went on her way. When I got into my session, my therapist immediately brought up the subject of touch and she spent a bit of time talking about what I thought about the hug I had witnessed--I told her it was fine with me . . . as long she wasn't hugging me!
She let me know that if that ever changed for me, that was okay AND if it never changed for me, that was okay too. She NEVER initiated a hug or touch the entire time I saw her, not even on the day I left and moved across the country. She really honored what I wanted and needed out of therapy. It was never about what she wanted or needed.

I also think it is very inappropriate for a therapist to ask a client if he/she can "massage" a client. It's entirely different if you went to a therapist who specializes in body work--that type of therapist spends a lot of time with his/her client assessing what the plan is in regard to body work. He/she wouldn't just out of the blue say, "Hey, do you mind if I give you a massage? You look a little tense."

I'm not saying your therapist is out to hurt you physically or emotionally, but I do think he has really really bad personal boundaries and that's not a good thing in a psychotherapist. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, I'd pay attention to that gut feeling and tell him that you're not comfortable with the hugs/massages and would prefer to just "talk". I know confrontation and setting down personal boundaries is hard but it's so important for those of us who are CSA in our past. No better place to practice those skills than in a therapy relationship. If he responds defensively or dismisses your discomfort as inappropriate or a result of your past, I'd take that as a pretty clear indication that he's not the right therapist for you and I'd run for the exit and find someone new. Good luck!

[lilypup]

It would definitely bother me. I'm not saying YOU should, but I would probably quit seeing him.

[Bells129]

The massage would bother me a lot, just reading it made me feel really uncomfortable. What a difficult situation. If it were me, I'd try to bring it up and ask why he's doing it. A massage just doesn't sound right to me.

[Jungatheart]

I would second what many are saying - certainly red flags! If it bothers you enough that you have reached out, validate your feelings on this. Hugs or touching in and of itself is not unethical...but you seem to be expressing a pattern that is increasing in intensity. The message is way pushing, if not blatantly crossing, boundaries. It is important to have a healthy therapist with good boundaries. I am afraid for you that he will continue to push and then seriously violate boundaries. That is not a place you want to find yourself in. I speak from experience.

You can find better!! In my humble opinion, I'd say it's not worth the conversation with him. Draw your own boundaries, leave him, find another, and celebrate you honoring your own instincts!

No matter what you decide, keep getting feedback!

[blur]

i would talk to him about the whole subject of touch in therapy asking him how he views it and let him clearly know you aren't comfortable with things progressing any further. i think you would be smart to trust your gut on this. see how he responds in a discussion and if anything doesn't sit right with you then i'd find a new T. i think the part that concerns me is he was giving you side hugs until you shared about CSA and then he wanted to give you a real hug which i am assuming was front to front. he may just have looser boundaries and see touch as being therapeutic but that really needs to be communicated so there is no confusion. personally, i think it is best if you are the one asking for touch rather than him initiating it. i'd let him know that if you feel the same and that if you want touch you will ask.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by StarLight25

I have been working with my male therapist about 9 months now. In the beginning of therapy there was zero touch- not even a handshake. I didn't have any expectation of what therapy would be like or anything to compare it to so I figured that was the norm.

Over the last 2 months, T has slowly been adding in touch. First it started with a pat on the back or a quick back rub as I was exiting his office. Then it has progressed to him asking me for a hug after every single session (twice a week). These were quick side hugs with one arm. I have never asked for a hug.

On Monday upon entering his office, 10 minutes into the session he asked if he could massage my shoulder because I seemed tense. I was kind of taken back but said ok. He got up from his chair and sat next to me and rubbed my shoulder for about 20-30 seconds and encouraged me to relax.

Today after a particularly intense session recounting specifics of CSA he asked if he could give me a "real hug". I said sure and we embraced for a minute straight.

Is this appropriate? I don't have any romantic feelings towards him, and generally feel safe, but I'm wondering about the increase in physical touch and if it's ethical. I don't really feel uncomfortable, but if it went any further I would. I don't want anything to ruin the rapport I have with him.

my female t has done this kind of thing before with me. our hugs are always long, and she has massaged my feet and scalp before. weird to massage my feet but not uncomfortable. my scalp was bc i had a headache for days and days and i started to cry bc of it so she said she knew a tension release thing to help it (involved poking my pressure points in my shoulders, massaging my scalp and pulling my hair a bit) oddly enough it worked and i was never so grateful. its only a problem if you are uncomfortable. if youre not, its fine.

[Partless]

Yes, like InRealLife45 says I think it is less about what he is doing (I don't think what he is doing is unethical) but more about how you feel about it and your comfort/discomfort and so please discuss this with him in a way you think is appropriate (I know you are concerned about the rapport) because maybe he is thinking that he is showing you care by hugging you at certain times and I don't think he would be happy to know he is in fact making it worse for you. In other words, if he becomes aware of it, I'm sure he'll be happy to show his care in other ways that you find more comforting. And if he has other intentions, the discussion will also make him aware that you don't like that and that you will speak up about it.

[Wren_]

When a T starts asking for hugs rather than the other way round it would start getting me concerned; I hope you can talk about your concerns with your T

[MoxieDoxie]

I do not see problems with either side asking for hugs but I did get the creep factor when he wanted to massage you. For me, geeting massaged by a man means I am on a massage table or about to have sex with him. Nothing in between. If you are massaging me you better be having sex with me. That is just my conditioning.

[StarLight25]

Thank you everyone for the replies.

No, my T has never asked me how I feel about touch by him or anyone, and we have never discussed boundaries.

I feel very conflicted. On one hand I feel very supported by my T, but on the other hand I'm worrying that something isn't right. I don't know if it's my history making me paranoid, or the things I read on here.

The only other thing I did not mention is he offered to add a third session a week for a very reduced rate, because I'm processing some difficult things right now. When I declined due to financial reasons, he offered it for free. I thanked him and said I would think about it. I don't know if that's a red flag?

My gut is telling me something seems off, just because I've worked with him for awhile and none of these things were ever issues. I felt like I had a very strong (safe) connection, but now I don't know.