Losing Perspective

Yeah, I had a nervous breakdown at 17, had to drop out of highschool after the abuse blowup when I had to leave my father's house. I didn't get my GED until I was in my early 30s. I REALLY want to finish this degree program. I was scared of having a breakdown. Things seemed to be getting a bit better lately, but today was awful, but I really do need more rest and balance.

I'm going to hit the sack. Maybe between all the feedback and therapy I'll have an inspiring dream, ha, and a plan will come to me.

Probably just KISS - I need sleep.

You will be amazed at how easy it is to brush your daughter's hair if you simply braid it each night before bed...just a single loose braid--not looking for neatness or tightness or perfection, just get it braided--and voila, no tangles and pretty waves, to boot! Did this for YEARS with my waist length daughter's hair. LIFESAVER.

Thank you, that's a lovely idea. I'll try it tonight.

Please take good care of yourself, Leah.
Thinking of you and sending hugs and hoping you're having a really good sleep.

Can you lessen the class load from 3 to 2 classes and still maintain your student loan? Where I go the minimum to be part time is 2 classes to be part time. Is it an option to change your status from full to part time? Full time is a really tall task for someone who's working full time, and has a child with special needs. There are things you can let slide as I found out too, like the hair and such "smaller" things. However, kids with needs like our children's need more than the average kid. So you should almost think of yourself as a mom of two instead of one child (everyone tells me my daugher is the equivalent of 2 kids and they are right )!

I know this might not be what you want to hear or you probably already know it. But the practical issues seem to me what you need to focus on more than anything. Therapy is great, but it can't really help you with what you're having trouble with that much, at least I don't think it can. Your's is a situation that even the most well adjusted people wouldn't handle without trouble. And you must be pretty well adjusted or there's no way you'd function as well as you do with all you have on your plate! But you are human, and there is only so much humans can do at once without losing something important in the process. Just be careful you aren't over reaching, especially where you seem to be second guessing your chosen career/education track. Make sure you're confident all of this work and stress is worth it. If not you really may find yourself even more frustrated when it's all done.

If I skip one class of these upper division, more specialized courses, they don't repeat for 12 months, so there's a delay in getting my degree-
I'm due to graduate in 8 more months, so if I skipped the October class, for example, instead of graduating in June '15, I'd graduate in November '15.

I do want to ease up somehow, I just haven't figured out how yet. I think in the interim, I gotta try and focus on sleep.

And figuring out this ridiculous assignment due Sunday I haven't started, ha.

My degree will be worth it, I'm sure, just for opening up so many job opportunitites not available to those without a bachelors. I did well prior, do well now, but there are definitely limits to where one can work without that piece of paper. So, it will likely be well worth it, I'm just disillusioned right now about my intended job and being so worn down, it's just harder to be optimistic, but certainly, the degree will open doors. It's a good middle of the road major I hope, relatively versatile without being completely generic.

Ah, I get it. It's the same with me to some extent, which has delayed getting my Masters from 2015 until 2016. Very frustrating, so I hear you. With you being so close to completing your degree it makes sense to just get it over with.

Leah,

"I spent three hours on the phone w/my T today and I feel maybe 5% better, not a good return on investment".

I have followed your posts concerning the amount of money you spend communicating with your T, online and email. I have observed your struggle attempting to keep it manageable. I am not calling you to task, but what you stated concerning return on investment is telling. I know when I spent more on therapy than the money allotted, it felt good at the time, but exasperated my stress.

Take gentle care,
Sabra

Yeah, in retrospect, might've been worse if I hadn't, but who knows. I try to chalk it up as a learning experience for both of us. Next time, more focus on grounding. I cancelled my session tomorrow and one of the two next week to stay on budget. That was the worst day I've had in a long time, so, hopefully the next 10 days will be a little better.

I guess, first, I would authorize/allow a bit more chaos in my life? And is it too late to drop out of one class (do you need 5 classes for "full time"/your loan money)? I would make small changes like not picking up the office trash/garbage so your daughter can knock it over again :-) Leave things as they are for right then.

It reminds me of my husband's and my fight over whether to replace the toilet paper when you use the last sheet or leave it empty and the next person changes it? I was taught that it was "polite" to others to replace it when you use the last sheet but my husband pointed out that one can't know who is going to use the bathroom next and if it is you, it can wait just as easily until you need it the next time and, if it is the other person, it should come out "even". Too, toilet paper and when it gets changed is NOT important! No matter what your mother taught you.

Drop some of the unimportant things? If no one is going to be in your office all day, what do you care what the trash is doing? If you are coming back after dropping daughter off at school, then you can pick it up then? Part of it is letting go of learned expectations? My stepmother decided the dishes had to be washed immediately after dinner (and on my nights, I had to do it right then) and I remember one night I had to go to the bathroom and my stepmother got mad and did the dishes, claiming I used going to the bathroom to get out of doing them (if that were so and she had waited, I still would have had to come out of the bathroom some time that evening? :-) All her set ways did was upset her and leave me with a bad memory?

Stay in bed for 1 minute after you wake thinking about what you would like for your day and doing a bit of stretching and waking up? 1 minute won't kill you? Your daughter is old enough, even with ODD to be responsible for brushing her hair, you can't brush her hair forever? How did it get that tangled? Do you all use a detangling shampoo or spray?

For time, I'm reminded of cars and speeding to get somewhere, etc. and how someone may get somewhere 5 minutes earlier than another family member who is driving normally, etc. There's not enough difference to go through all that stress? When I am worried about time and keep checking the car clock while I'm driving somewhere I remind myself that worry does not get me there any faster and I will literally get there when I get there whether "on time" or late? So I make myself relax. I am sure your relaxing will help your daughter relax more? She could be picking up your feelings of frustration and urgency?

See if you can learn to be more mindful and concentrate just one what you are doing and enjoy doing that? There's no such thing as multi-tasking, that's just doing things sequentially fast, you can only concentrate on one thing at a time and if you try to do more, something will not go right. Try to keep your thoughts on what you are doing and not worry about what you are not doing?

Why stop an hour earlier? Just give yourself 15 minutes. Stop at 9:45 because you want to do X for yourself? Look forward to that 15 minutes and gradually increase it by 15 minutes over time?

Handling a child with ODD is not the same as handling a typical child who is strong willed or defiant - you need help. Is your husband willing or able to help at all? I know there are some issues there and I'm sorry if I'm forgetting details there. If he isn't (mine was zero help during this five year span), then you need someone, anyone else who can give you some help. When my daughter was at her worst. You are going to have blow ups because it's normal. You;re in a situation where you need much more than a book. I have "the Explosive Child" too and it's great, but alone it's not enough.

You may be able to get some help from your daughter's school system if she is in a public one, or in the form of a child therapist who specializes in children with ODD. I hope I'm not coming across as a know it all, and you may already have some help for her, but if not, I really urge you to get a child therapist for your daughter. Like mine your daughter may even refuse to see the T. If that's the case, you can use the T for yourself for advice- I did it all the time and at this age it's fine, no confidence is being broken. It comes down to behavioral/ parenting advice and just support from someone who has seen it (and much worse) before. It really could be of much more help to you than the therapy you receive right now. I know you are emotionally invested in your T, and I also am with my T and pdoc. But they both told me my parenting problems were beyond their scope of expertise- they could both sympathize but acknowledged the couldn't really help as much as they wanted to - it is a child therapy and parenting issue, not an adult mental health issue (other than the effect the stress was having on it). I know you're emotionally invested in your T, but if you can take 1/2 of what you pay her and put it toward a T who specializes in your daughter's specific issues, I think you may get a much better return on your investment. And your own T should be fully supportive of this if she hasn't already suggested it by now.

My therapist is a family therapist, experienced working with children, so she's given me a lot of concrete day to day guidance and helped me brainstorm and rework our situation in a way that's been wonderfully helpful. She is dual-licensed with 20 years in practice. I was very fortunate to find her, given she has a lot of work both with parenting issues and PTSD. Her focus on my daughter's experience has been really really helpful. (We have discussed having my daughter treated separately or in family therapy as well, but agree this current course where my husband and I do the direct work with her is best.)

It's definitely complex and half the battle is me managing myself as my stress impacts her a lot too. (We have also consulted a couple times with her doctor and once with the school psychologist when needed, but like many kids w/ODD, she does better in certain areas at school, though we focus on helping her there too.)

The event this week was an ugly one, but atypical. We used to have many more of these high-intensity blowups, but between the therapy, the book, my husband's therapy (which also has some focus on his relationship with her and our family dynamic) and a concerted effort, the overall picture is much improved. Less blowups that resolve faster and are less intense. It's just not a quick fix situation: the work we're doing takes time. I'm focused on the now but I try to keep optimistic knowing that in 8 months, I'll have my degree, in a year, I hope, I'll have a 40 hour per week job instead of 60. I can't wait for that transformation.