I posted about this a couple of weeks ago. I'm still undecided. Seeing her brings up a huge amount of emotion in me (anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, and horrible feelings of rejection that I must have felt as a child but have surpressed). On the one hand I think that therapy must be working if it is bringing out these powerful emotions. On the other hand I imagine there is another therapist out there who will talk to me more gently, who will listen more kindly. I have talked to my T, but she attributes my feelings to our summer break rather than to me finding the way she challenges me tough to handle. I know my feelings relate to transference but I'm not sure we can actually get over it. I don't want to give up on this with her, maybe if I stopped now I'd be stopping at the vital part? But I can't actually see me ever feeling better about going to see her. I'm still planning to go again next time, to try to talk more about how I feel when she challenges me.

This is my first ever T, I've been seeing her for about 11 weeks. I'm thinking of trying someone else while carrying on with her. It feels a bit crazy. If I did this I wouldn't tell either of them. Any thoughts?

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hi Brown Owl! Do you feel a connection with this T yet? You mention you kind of need someone who is gentle and kind - do you find your T doesn't fit this criteria? I completely understand about needing someone with a gentle approach, and it's the one thing I value most about my T. I get anxious about going to see her too, but I'd be far more anxious if I found her abrupt. She challenges me, but really softly and with an awareness of where I'm at. It sounds like you've been thinking about this for some time, so maybe it's worth listening to yourself?

[iheartjacques]

I remember the first time I talked to a t to be pretty rough. But as you go along, you get used to it. Like starting a new sport, muscles you never knew you had are agony, but like going back to gym, you settle into therapy, even though it hurts, but never quite as bad as the first time. I hope that made sense?

I went back to read your first post on this. You are probably right that she is bringing things out in you that need to be resolved, but from what you've described (her talking too much and challenging) it could be that she is not skilled enough to see what's going on as something to work on. Dismissing it as having to do with summer break sounds a little lazy to me, or uninformed. And yet, you have an attachment to her, and that makes it hard because part of you knows there's something being activated here that needs looking at; and yet, she just doesn't sound all that with it.

Were you able to tell her how you respond to her challenges and excessive talking? If not, that would be a good first step. She should care, first and foremost, that she's being effective. There are lots of ways to work with an individual; and if she's not willing to readjust, then yes, I would definitely look for another therapist.

It's good to compare styles and approaches (not easy though, when you have an attachment to one already). Otherwise, you just can't know for sure. And it doesn't sound as though this therapist sees the opportunity here to dig deeper.

Good luck. This is hard stuff, but you're asking the right questions.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

This is my first ever T, I've been seeing her for about 11 weeks. I'm thinking of trying someone else while carrying on with her. It feels a bit crazy. If I did this I wouldn't tell either of them. Any thoughts?

Well, my thought is you shouldn't bother with therapy if you're going to start with huge lies. If you're not feeling a connection with your current therapist, which it sounds like you're not then I'd move on. I think it all should come down to connection... do you love her, or not. If not then bounce, try to find a therapist you think you can love. This will make it much better.

[Scottish Guy]

The therapist is training you to respond to the style used by the therapist,therapy is in practice 'corrective retraining',if you are being activated by the method,whether you like the technique or not,and this is making some form of idea rise to awareness then the effect is what you want,the essential need for respect must be there,look behind the interactive technique-eye contact,head up,open ended statements...ask yourself if you feel reassured by the attitude,it is not needed to bond with the therapist and you need to feel they know what they are doing-this layering of impressions has it's own pace and there does not have to be a conclusion-sometimes there just is not enough data to decide what something could mean.If your material upsets her but doesn't upset you then look for the cause of the variance.

Thanks for your replies. I do feel a connection, your questions have made me realise that I have a strong connection, but it feels painful having it. I wish she would say nice things to me, do therapists ever say nice things? I've said to her in the past that I find therapy focuses on the negative. I've told her about a couple of things I'm proud of doing and she seems to have drawn out a negative from them. I feel that she challenges me on things without knowing all the facts as I haven't had a chance to talk to her about things. Since I wrote her an email she has adapted and she now talks much less in the sessions and we have some moments of silence, and either she or I now fill the silences which is better. I feel that I can talk to her about all this, but it is so difficult.

Thanks for taking the time to look at my previous post Lickety.

I know no-one can make this decision for me - whether to carry on or not with her. I worry that I'll stick with her for two years or so but it will be a mistake and that I would have been better off switching. Is it possible that therapy with her can. become less painful? I imagine that if I start again with someone else it will be easier, I'll have a bit of experience and know my needs a bit more. I will definitely say at the start that I'm not a confident person, and if I get challenges and find it difficult I will be able to say straight away and hopefully we can discuss why I find it difficult.

Petra5ed it doesn't seem that simple to me - just a question of whether I love her - love can be destructive. You are probably right about starting off with lies not being wise.

fwiw, Unless there's abuse going on, I don't think it's a mistake to keep exploring with the same therapist. It does become more difficult to switch, though, because of the investment of time and emotion.

Maybe one thing to ask yourself is if this is a healthy discomfort or the repeat of an unhealthy relationship pattern. Even if it's the latter, it could be a result of your perception that needs to be worked out, and not the relationship itself, but that would be the work of therapy.

It's a really difficult thing to sort through. Whatever the outcome, the things you learn about yourself through it are what's most helpful.

I've certainly had my issues with therapists. Often, it was my own stuff I was projecting. Sometimes, it was due to their lack of skill or experience. The only way to know for sure is to take the chance on being honest and seeing how she responds. Any push back or negativity or defensiveness would be concerning. On the other hand, if she has an open mind and a willingness to wonder along with you what your reaction is about....that's a good sign, in my opinion. It's all about what you take away from the experience. Hopefully, with more understanding about yourself.

[Petra5ed]

In my experience good therapy will be painful, but maybe she is just moving too fast right now, in which case you could try asking her to slow down? I think the relationship will change and how you experience therapy will change as time goes on. Communication and connection are the key ingredients though. I don't personally think love is destructive, obsession might be, but love is not obsession, not to say both can't exist. Just remember obsession festers in the dark and in secrecy. Hence, you need to be able to communicate openly with your therapist about all that you feel for therapy to be most effective.

Therapists do compliment in my experience, but they don't throw compliments around on a whim. I'd say they are less complimentary than friends or acquaintances because they try to only say genuine and authentic things. In my experience it might take some time before you hear what they like about you... Because they will wait until it is hopefully a sure thing correct compliment. I.e. my therapist didn't start off telling me I was a nice person until I had a long track record of niceness.

[Big Moma]

I think you should get a new therapist. If the therapist gives you such bad feelings just be seeing them CHANGE to another one. Too much bad stuff in the world to get them and pay for them too. Find someone you like. A new one. Pray and ask friends for recommendations. Someone cool and understanding that cares. possible friends therapist good. God will help you find a good one with good happy thoughts and happy feelings.
God bless!

Two weeks on since I started this thread and I am still undecided. I don't know whether, if I persist we will reach some understanding, or if that is impossible.

In my latest session I told her about a time I had felt misunderstood by her, I told her a bit of a story to explain more about the situation than I'd told her before and why I felt misunderstood. I felt that she brushed my feeling of being misunderstood aside really quickly 'Oh all I meant was...' and picked up some details from my story that she then challenged me on. I sat there aggreeing with the whole thing she was saying, which relates to her seeing me as needing to control my husband's parenting (I see the situation as he speaks aggressively to our children and I feel tense and powerless and upset about it).

I said to her at the start of the session that I worried that my time with her could be destructive to me, and she pointed out the absurdity of this considering she is benign and caring. I'm still planning to go again next week to try to explain how destructive and overpowering I find it. I have a feeling she will see me as needing to control her. The reason I want to keep going is that I feel that generally I never speak my thoughts, and I don't want to just walk away from her without doing it. Maybe she is a genius in that she has got me to this point where I will speak my thoughts to her - when I started with her I found it really hard to talk? On the other hand I won't find it pleasant if she turns what I say into a negative about me. I feel like she is trying to tell me how to live my life. She thinks it is absurd that my husband does a job that he dislikes - this is part of what I was trying to explain to her that I felt misunderstood about - but my view is that plenty of people do this, there is a lot of unemployment in the world, he is providing for his family. She said to me quite early on: 'you should be living your life and your children should be living theirs' I didn't have the chance to explore what she meant by this but I guess she thinks I spend too much time with my children - but I say there are lots of different ways to parent - is she telling me what to do and how my husband and I should live our lives?

[ThingWithFeathers]

What is it about this T that you like and makes you want to keep seeing her? From what you have written, I would struggle to stay with her, or feel connected to her. I'm not a confident person either, I've been seeing my T for a year and a half and I could barely talk for the first 12 months. But BECAUSE she is sweet and gentle, I have learned to feel safe and secure around her (well, as safe and secure as I would feel around any person!). You know yourself better than I do, but it sounds like you could find a better match. Maybe write a list of pros and cons?