getting emotional at the END of a session

I left my session today very emotional. I've only recently started letting some tears fall in therapy....still not easy for me to do. But we're on a very sensitive topic....and I don't watch the clock. Wouldn't you think a therapist would hold off on any talk that could cause a breakdown right at the end of the session? Wouldn't they KNOW when the correct time is or isn't? She knows this topic makes me emotional. And, 5 minutes before the end of my session, she brought up some heavy thoughts that had me crying. Next thing I know, (I'm hiding behind a pillow) she quietly says " Alright my dear, grab some tissues, I will see you Thursday." I'm like WTF?? I didn't say a word, I just looked at the clock, then got up to leave. I said "I'll get out of your hair." I was rather devastated to be leaving that room feeling the way I did.

I went out to my car (which I back into the stall because the parking lot is so small), put my hands and head on the steering wheel and just cried. I had turned on the ignition enough to turn the radio on and put the windows down. Next thing I know, someone's hand is rubbing my back. Stroking my pony tail. I didn't look up...I knew who it was, no one else would have done that. I was parked right next to her car, and since I backed in, our drivers' sides were right next to each other. Then she left, and I heard her open her car door....figured she was leaving, but I didn't want her to see my face, so I didn't look up, nor did I say anything. I needed to get a grip to drive. Something cold lands on my lap....she had gone to her car and grabbed me a travel pack of kleenex and set it in my lap. Then she got in her car and drove away.

I got an Email later saying "So sorry to leave you there alone. Just so you know, I pick my daughter up from school on Mondays and Thursdays after your session." I wrote her back... "My session was over and I wouldn't expect you to stay behind beyond my session time. No need to apologize. "

I just wish she would have not "Invited" this to happen. She knows I get emotional....and towards teh end of a session, I think it should get more light hearted. I feel like not talking at all when I go in on Thursday. I don't want this to happen again.

Sorry you had such a hard session! I'm sure she's realized that wasn't a good decision when she saw how upset you were. But, how awesome for her to show empathy/compassion when she saw you out in your car! You should let her know that it bothered you it was brought up at the end. I've yelled out "it can't be over" before upset that I was right in the middle of something.

She did that on purpose. T's want us to learn to deal with things on our own between sessions. I would be extremely angry if that happened to me. Can you clue her in next time? "I need to lighten things up near the end of my sessions, so let's get the heavy duty stuff out in the open earlier."

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I'm sorry that happened to you... I've told my T that I need reminders that the session is getting to the end and time to get back to real world... Maybe you need to have that discussion.

I would be horrified if my T ever comforted me out side the office...or even in the office... I've always driven to the backside of parking lot or to the next shopping center parking lot and broke down.... But that's just me.

THanks for the replies. I was really upset about this. I wasn't horrified in the least that she provided some comfort while I was in my car. I was rather surprised by it, but too upset to acknowledge it. It made me feel a little less upset with her for letting things end the way they did. I just feel that she guides these sessions and should know when to quit. I have a couple of days to think about it. I see her again Thursday. I appreciate her Email saying she was sorry...but she was sorry for having to leave me alone in that parking lot. Not sure if she realized the damage she did by the way she handled the last part of the session. I will fight like H*LL not to cry in there again. I will close up and remain emotionless before I cry. I'm not feeling THAT way again.

It was kind of her to explain the reason why the end wasn't extended to fit your mood.

I used to have similar issues and I spoke with my therapist about it, and from that we arranged that if I am picking too heavy a topic with not enough time, he should tell me before I get in too deep. It works for us so far.

I guess I will have to talk to her. I wish she would have known enough not to "put me there" at the end of a session. I don't watch the clock, as I don't want to be rude. She keeps an eye on where we are. She's been a psychologist here for over 20 years. I really have felt all along I have a true GEM of a T, but lately I feel self conscious that she's been yawning in my sessions (we are ALL HUMAN, I understand that), and that she HAS to have her phone with her. It's muted, but I will see it light up with a message, and she's casually trying to look over at it and read what she says. She makes $300 for of me every week ($150 per session). I would think I could have her full attention.

I fear she's boring of me. But I also fear that now that wall is going to go back up. I JUST got to the point of opening up and letting the tears out (which is what she hoped)....and now, I want to clam up and not let them out again, so I don't leave in that state anymore. I'm upset by it.

I'm sorry that you struggle so much, I think it was not a good idea from your T to start a heavy topic just at the end. I don't know if it means anything, but my T did it once too. I just leaned against the wall outside her office for some time but I managed to leave before she would come out; however, I let her know in the e-mail that it was not the smartest idea to finish the session like that and... it has never happened since... Thus, maybe your T was not aware of it? Yes, of course, she could have guess so (especially after 20 years of practicing) but as you mentioned, they are just humans... Thus, I hope that as she saw how much you've struggled, your T will be much more careful and you'll be able to discuss it on Thursday...

Regarding messages - good that at least she didn't respond! I would be bothered by this too but maybe she keeps that in case of the serious emergency? Do you text her sometimes? Maybe you could feel a bit better knowing that if there is a real emergency, she would see your text immediately? I don't know why she does it, maybe it's something worth bringing up to the next session?

I think it's very important that you tell her everything in this post. It sounds like there's more than one issue going on, and she needs to address all these problems.

She probably watches her phone for news on her child(ren) (where they are needing to be picked up from, what time, etc.) since she did share with you that she picks up her daughter after your session. It feels cold to me; my T has her phone face-down and on silent during our sessions. However, not sure my T has young children or has made arrangements to not be contacted during work hours.

I don't think she's bored with you at all! And she was probably upset that you had reached a turning point and had to be interrupted, as well. Please talk with her about how it makes you feel, uneasy to open up again, and that you want to bottle it all up again. That would be a setback, hopefully you and T can work through this one. Good luck!!!

I don't think you should bottle up the emotions and not cry. We are a lot alike in that way but you need to let those emotions out when they surface. Why do you not want to cry?

I'm sorry that was such a painful ending to your therapy session. And yes, your therapist really missed the boat on this one. She made the mistake of introducing an emotionally laden subject at the end of a session, and then when she saw the results of her bad timing, she didn't take the time to apologize and ground you. That said, it's a great opportunity for you to go in and let her know how badly she handled the situation.

I think it was nice that she tried to comfort you and gave you some Kleenex in the car, but telling you, hey, I'm sorry but I have to go pick up my daughter and I'll see you next week, doesn't cut it. All of this should have been handled in the session, not out in the office parking lot. I don't think she would have had to extend your session for more than ten minutes to address how badly she handled things. It probably would have taken a few brief moments--her acknowledging your grief and pain, followed up with her apologizing for her poor timing. Her daughter could have waited. And if she couldn't, your therapist should plan her day a bit better. There is no way in the psychotherapy profession to know when you might not end right on time. A little more of a cushion of time is maybe something she should have thought of sooner.

Please know that I'm not saying your therapist is a bad therapist; she just didn't handle this particular situation very well. That happens in therapy and it is an excellent opportunity for the two of you to work on the relationship. One of the most healing things I've ever had from my former therapist was a sincere apology without any excuses! I'm sorry you had to sit so alone in your car, crying. I hope you don't shut down and clam up in your next session. Please let her know how you felt and brainstorm some solutions to prevent it from happening again!

She has one daughter in high school. So not some young little kid. Her eyes sparkle when she talks of her (which isn't very often.....)

Jaybird, I really enjoyed and appreciate your post. Because that's kind of how I feel.

It does hurt that I was crying, which is something she's been trying to get out of me, and then I was just left in the dust to pick myself up. Hey, I've been doing it all my life.....so it's not like I can't....but she brought up the things that led me to put myself in that situation.

I know when our doctors are running late, so many people complain, but I know that my doctor (whom I really like) has never pushed me out before I was ready. She's the one who got me to GO to therapy.....she begged me for a long time....because I was breaking down in her office whenever I went. But, she never pushed me out.

I don't want to feel this way again, Soccermom, that's why I want to end this (crying) before it gets too out of hand. She's been trying a long time to get me to release like that, I've finally started, but now I don't feel safe to put myself in that vulnerable, lonely place again.

And yeah, I would have preferred and apology, rather than giving me the excuse as to why. I had an emotionally absent mother myself....so, unfortunately, knowing how close they are hurts too. And what a loving, involved parent she is. I'm pathetic. I know.

Not in the least pathetic, musinglizzy. I didn't mention it in my other post because I didn't want to really let it rip as to why I think your therapist owes you a sincere apology, but because you've posted the above I wanted to expand on what I said.

One of the things your therapist did wrong when she sent you the email was to give you the excuse that she had to leave to "pick up her daughter from school." It's fine if she had to do this, but all she needed to do is tell you she had an important appointment she couldn't get out of, apologize and then tell you she'll talk to you more at your next session. No mention should have been made about her daughter for the very reasons you talk about above. By putting that "important mothering task" in your head, she puts you in the position of continually angsting during your future sessions that you can't go OVER one single minute because she has to go pick up her daughter and that is more important than you. And if therapy is going to work, all your thoughts need to be on your feelings and needs, not someone else, especially NOT your therapist's.

That issue should never had entered the relationship between the two of you. Again, I'm not saying she's a bad or unfeeling therapist, she just didn't think this whole thing through very well and she needs to spend some time making amends to you . . . after you go in and tell her how the whole incident effected you and your ability to trust the process of opening up. If she's a solid and skilled therapist, she'll recognize her goof and work to improve things between the two of you.

Honestly, not every therapist has strong time management skills. My T has been in practice 20+ years and doesn't. I love her, she's genuine, talented, kind, caring, etc., but she's not a good clockwatcher, and I've heard many stories of others with similar therapists on this board.

So... it's quite possible it was just a complete oversight on her part and that she mightn't have anticipated quite such a strong reaction- therapy is really an art, not always as easy as we'd hope to manage such delicate interactions, and so I hope you'll consider that sometimes life's just a little awkward, things happen, but if you two address it honestly and constructively, you can help prevent this in the future without having to just shut down.

Good luck, I understand how you feel.

Jaybird, you're awesome. You seem to "get" me. Totally.
Honestly I wasn't expecting an apology at all....it was nice to get one, but I agree, I know enough about what a close, loving relationship they have, and it hinders, doesn't help me. She took her daughter on an extravagant trip over the summer, and Emailed me late in the night saying she was packed, and that this is what she's doing (daughter), that she's taken so many changes in their life so well and she deserves it. Heck, until I was an adult, I never even left the STATE I live in...let alone other countries. I did tell her during a session that I believed she told me that information on purpose. She himmed and hawed, and eventually said, yes, well, maybe, well, I don't know. Ummm hmmmm.

Leah, she knew what she was saying would develop a strong reaction. Just trust me on this.

I thought about canceling tomorrow just to take a break. But I think I'd be hindering myself by doing so......so in I will go.

I got the feeling she told you about her daughter and the need to pick her up each day to explain to you that you could never go over time. I feel like she told you that to help you understand why she wasn't able to keep you longer and she wanted to warn you that your days and times happen to be just before she needs to go and therefore she will never be able to go over and she wanted you to have this heads up. If you had an earlier time slot she never would have informed you she picks up her daughter each day.

You do expect her to put her daughter first and love her daughter better than you, don't you? That says nothing about you, you know. NO ONE can ever compete with her daughter (unless she has other children) and her daughter will ALWAYS come first in her life. Again, that isn't a slight against you and it doesn't mean you aren't worthy or a good person, it simply means that in healthy relationships the kids always come before clients or work! (I realize this was not the case for many of you, which is sad, and wrong, and totally the fault of the parents and not the children, but in this case I am assuming this T is a good mother and therefore would always put her daughter first)

I can't remember....have you told her how much discussing her daughter bothers you? It would be a hard conversation but maybe one you should have...

I'm so sorry you had a difficult session, but as the previous replies mentioned (wonderful ideas, btw), your T probably told you about her daughter because she wanted you to know why she has to end on time every week and it's not because she does not want you in her office another minute. However, I totally get your pain at being sidelined by her kid as I get super jealous of my T's son too (and he's only about 7 or 8) yet I cannot expect her to care for me more than her son.

In my sessions I sit facing the clock and when I think I tend to stare at it a lot. I try not to bring up hard stuff towards the end of a session out of courtesy to her but once we were running over time and she asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. I guess that was too imperative to put on hold and she took another 5-10 minutes (despite having another client waiting) to make me contract for safety.

I think your T should have had a bit more sense than to purposely induce such hard topics. As for the phone-checking thing, it's at least comforting to know that she doesn't actively check her messages, but if you're really unhappy about it perhaps you could mention this in your next session? Mine keeps her phone face down on her desk (away from where we sit) but she gets a LOT of notifications and her phone vibrates loudly against the table.

I wanted to post again because I think some might be thinking that musinglizzy doesn't get it that her therapist's daughter comes first. I might be wrong but I think she knows that very well. So do I. This is a professional relationship and the therapist's loved one's will ALWAYS come first.

Where I disagree (and this is a personal interpretation of how psychotherapy should be conducted), is that although the therapist's family and in this case her daughter, will come before, musinglizzy, the topic never belongs in the consulting room. Musinglizzy is working on her own issues in therapy, and the fact that her therapist had to leave immediately at the end of her session to pick up her daughter didn't need to be brought into the mix. The original rupture for musinglizzy seems to be her therapist introducing a triggering issue right at the end of the session. Her therapist needed to acknowledge her bad timing, apologize for her mistake and close the session on time by telling her client that she had an appointment she couldn't respond to but they would talk at the next session and come up with a plan to prevent this situation from happening again. She made a mistake by mentioning personal reason for having to end exactly on time. She had EVERY right to end on time and I think musinglizzy recognizes that.

I don't think it would have eliminated the situation of musinglizzy from feeling abandoned in her moment of pain or prevented the feeling that she wasn't important and didn't want to return. Or that she'd return and just shut down in session. Those are musinglizzy's issues to work on in therapy. They are things that are causing her pain in her life. She didn't need her therapist to add her own personal issues regarding picking up her daughter or going on a great mother daughter vacation. These things only complicate and cause therapy to become less focused on musinglizzy's issues. She doesn't need to be thinking during a session with her therapist, "Jeeze, I shouldn't bring that up because it must be almost time to close and therapist needs to go get her daughter." And she doesn't need to be constantly checking her watch to see if she's infringing on her therapist's personal time with her daughter. Checking her watch to see if her session is almost done is fine--that means she's aware of the boundaries between her and her therapist. . .just the two of them need to be considered in the consulting room, not her, her therapist and her therapist's daughter. As you can see, I'm pretty passionate about the issue of a therapist's personal life not being brought into the relationship. Just my take on things.


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This is the thing that makes me smile with great compassion. You recognize that going to your session is critical to making gains in your therapy and even though it will be difficult, you're going to go! I take my hat off to you and wish you luck. . . luck that the two of you are able to work this out in a healing and planful way.

Jaybird, I love you. Just sayin'.

I will admit when I first started seeing her, I was curious if she had kids. If she was married. If she could truly related to some of the issues I brought up. Yes, and yes, and that's enough. She's since told me how her daughter's teenage years are an amazing time for her (T), how her daughter is her favorite traveling companion (around the world), how she is trying to talk her daughter into letting her make breakfast for her in the morning, and how now her daughter eats breakfast in the morning. Needing to pick her up from school was the latest. I get that. I'm a parent too. I know how freaked out I got about being on time (if not early) in picking my elementary age kid up from school. Nothing got in the way of that.

ABSOSTINKINLUTELY should her daughter and family come first. I am just her job. I am not a loved one, nor will I ever be. She's been concerned I have thoughts of quitting therapy. Why? Because it's getting too hard. I assured her I'm not to that point, yet would talk to her about it before hand. If I ask her a question about her she will usually answer (she has dog treats in her office, she allows patients to bring their dogs if they wish. So I asked her if she had one, a quick answer, then onto another subject.)

I felt very vulnerable and abandoned at that point, yes, made worse by the fact that she's been unable to get me to cry in therapy until recently, because I flat out told her I hated crying, and it made me feel....alone and vulnerable. That's probably why she gave me a minute of support in teh parking lot.... she knew how I felt, and here I was, being sent off feeling that way. She thinks I shut myself off and am ashamed when I sit sideways on the couch... but I think I will start so I can keep an eye on the time myself. Of course, i've considered asking that the topic that is causing the worst pain right now not be brought up. My sleep is haunted and I shake all day long. People at work notice my shaking. I can barely do my job. My doc is giving me Xanax.... we'll give it a shot. I woke up three times last night shaking so bad my whole bed was shaking. This particular topic is very hard on me, it was a traumatic event in my life that causes me a great deal of guilt. I thought about canceling my session tomorrow but it's too late now. I have to do it 24 hours in advance. I'm going to go in there, but I'm going to make it MY job to start watching the clock (because time flies in there) and not talk about things that upset me greatly too close to the end. It will be my survival tactic. It's unlike her not to respond to an Email....I know she felt bad, or she wouldn' thave sent me the Email to begin with, apologizing. I do appreciate that.

I'm nervous about tomorrow's session.... I'm sure my last session will be brought up, and if not, I have to come up with the nerve to bring it up myself. I'm feeling anxious about going to see her....I don't WANT to see her right now. Bringing this stuff to the surface hurts so darn much, and my perspective gets out of whack also.

BTW, I would NEVER ask to stay longer than my session time. I never have, asked, and I would never expect it. My only wish here is that she hadn't brought up such a sensitive topic near the end of my session. Leaving me in a heap of tears in my car....feeling abandoned, alone, and so hopeless and sad. That's MY problem to deal with, yes, but she knew how I felt about crying....and I think she should not have allowed this to happen. This is exactly WHY I told her I didn't let myself cry in therapy. Well, I will do my best not to shed another tear. Even if it means changing the subject. I have a lot of issues (don't we all) and I appreciate all of your replies.

But to reiterate, of course her family, her daughter, comes before ANYTHING else in her life. As it should. Many of us were not brought up that way....so it's a lonely feeling, even as an adult....to see what we missed and know we were robbed of ever experiencing that kind of love and joy. The one person who loved me, and saved me, is as good as dead now.....(classified as a vegetable,) so not only did I NOT have the love growing up, when someone stepped in and taught me how to love and be loved, then eventually was taken away....that was yet another loss. This is the topic at hand right now, because still, almost two decades later, I never did deal with it. Getting a little personal here......

In her defense though, I will say she's a GREAT T, and I would recommend her to anyone. Perhaps I should take some of the blame for not watching for myself, or keeping my emotions in check, but I never want it to seem rude that I turn over to look at the clock....but from now on, that may be what I have to focus on.

I'm getting nervous for tomorrow.....

It's not at all rude to look at the clock in a situation as this. In fact, a pointed look at the clock will cue her in that the time and timing matters to you. But if you don't want to do that or to sit sideways to see the clock, wear a watch or check your phone periodically. Or set your phone alarm to ring ten or fifteen or how ever many minutes before the appointment ends.

I hope it will go well today and that your T won't continue a hard topic at the end of the session... Good luck