[ThingWithFeathers]

I noticed reading through different posts that a lot of you have T's who tell you they care about you or that they love you. My T has never said anything like that to me. She is kind, understanding, atuned, compassionate and is there for me when I need her. But the closest she has ever come to sharing how she feels about me is when I was sui (I told her she was one of the people I cared about it impacting on), she stated that 'Yes. I would be devestated if you ...'.

I think she cares. Her behaviours tell me that she cares. Still, I wish my T would tell me that she cares.

Did your T's volunteer that they care for you or did you ask? I really don't think I could ask - if I did I would cry while asking, and that's just too embarrassing.

[Soccer mom]

Mine has never really said it either. Once I told her that something she said sounded like she didn't care. I told her but I know she does and she said "right". I really want her to say it but feel so small asking for it.

[Depletion]

My T has never said it out loud, but she says it in everything she does. I have had a hard time trusting her because I have been hurt by previous T's who abandon me. But I see how dedicated she is to our relationship, and I trust her now, and I can see how she is dedicated to me and our relationship, and to me that means a great deal. I do love her deeply because she has done all of this for me, and I feel certain that if she does not love me that she cares for me in a very deep way, although I think that it is likely she loves me.

[nottrustin]

I don't believe T has ever actually said the words however, she has shown it in so many ways. Over the summer something happened outside of an appointment with her and she said something that I didn't know how to interpret. So I sent her an email asking for clarification . She responded with an apology because as soon as I left she realized she had overstepped boundaries and was sorry I was uncomfortable. She stated that she had treated me like a coworker/friend and shouldn't have. She also stated that given any other circumstances we would most likely be friends.

I asked my T if he likes me, and he said yes. I have pointed out a couple of times that he does not really care about me, though, and he has never denied that. Which makes every kind of sense: I can't expect affection (and that is something I think he has said explicitly, though it might be my memory distorting something else he said) but I can, and do, expect professional interest during my sessions. And I get that, every time. It has to be good enough.

[HazelGirl]

My T only started saying it when I started talking about my attachment to her and my feelings towards her (maternal transference). I think she waited to make sure she was meeting me where I was at rather than potentially saying something that might scare me or freak me out.

[stopdog]

I want the therapist to keep such things to herself but she has said it. I don't know know why she felt compelled to say anything one way or the other. It was sort of out of the blue and I still don't know why she said it.

[The_little_didgee]

I never heard a spontaneous, "I care about you." Usually she shows it in her actions. She always takes time to explain things which I really appreciate. No therapist has ever done that with me before.

One time we were talking about death and I asked how she would feel if I died while seeing her. She replied that she would feel sad. Afterwards she admitted there was a bond between us. I guess that means she cares.

When she nearly dozed off on me I felt like she did not give a **** about me.

[sweepy62]

T2 said it alot, " I care for you, I care about you ect..., this t has said, you are my priority, I look foward to working with you. I look foward to our sessions. Somehow when this t says it , it means NOTHING to me.

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[Leah123]

I asked her. I'd just disclosed some of the abuse and I was feeling vulnerable and wretched. I told her I just needed to feel like she cared about me, that what I'd said mattered to her. That was the first time she told me she cared about me and she was very sincere. It was an early breakthrough in our relationship.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I first asked my T if she likes me. Of course she gave me the standard response "I like all my clients". I later asked if she cared about me. It took over 30mins for her to answer that one. Now she reminds me that she cares about me, all the time. Love...well that's the next adventure.

But yes, I asked my T those questions. She didn't say it randomly. And yes it was extremely difficult to ask, but for me it was necessary. I refuse to have anyone in my life unless they see me as a person and care. I never will accept being "just another client", a paycheck, or a number. I would rather deal with the pain from the loss than having a relationship with someone that isn't real(?).

[Soccer mom]

Good point. That is something I'm struggling with. I just want my T. to tell me she cares about me - I feel like I'm a little kid. Earlier in our sessions I felt she did. WIth the stupid transference, I don't believe it.

[grimtopaz]

My therapist has never said she cared about him. I really hope she does, but there is no way of knowing. She cares about doing her job very well and takes therapy seriously, I like that.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I would rather deal with the pain from the loss than having a relationship with someone that isn't real(?).

This is a great point. Thank you. (For me it is the opposite: the pain of the loss, whatever form the loss may take, means that the relationship was never worth it, so I am much happier without the relationships that real people can have.)

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

This is a great point. Thank you. (For me it is the opposite: the pain of the loss, whatever form the loss may take, means that the relationship was never worth it, so I am much happier without the relationships that real people can have.)

I can relate.

I know I need more support in my life, but it's feels so much easier just to avoid people (I have no friends...only family and doctors). But for the people who are in my life, the truth of the relationship is most important. I lived a fake life for 6 years. I'm done with fantasy, fallacies, or whatnot.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I noticed reading through different posts that a lot of you have T's who tell you they care about you or that they love you.

I think for a T to say they love you is rare and certainly not a good idea to put them on the spot, to ask them if they love you (edit: or rather, feel free to ask but if you must hear it said back right away, then don't ask. They may or may not say it. But if you are not sensitive to it, you can certainly ask them). But to ask if they care for you, I think you can certainly bring it up. Then you can hear the words. They might just say they do or they might ask you why you are asking or if you don't feel cared for, etc. But either way, you get to hear it. I personally feel cared for when I see people do things for me but also when they say it. I kind of need both.

Don't be afraid to get emotional or even cry. These are powerful feelings that come out in close relationships. Your T means something to you. More than something. Maybe this even reminds you of your other relationships where you did not feel cared for or you were not sure.

But ask when you feel ready. Don't force yourself into it. But when it comes up, just ask. Her response may surprise you. In a good way.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

...Now she reminds me that she cares about me, all the time. Love...well that's the next adventure.
...I would rather deal with the pain from the loss than having a relationship with someone that isn't real(?).

But if she doesn't say the words "I love you", will you want to end the relationship? Or is hearing that she cares about you, is that enough?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Depletion

My T has never said it out loud, but she says it in everything she does. I have had a hard time trusting her because I have been hurt by previous T's who abandon me. But I see how dedicated she is to our relationship, and I trust her now, and I can see how she is dedicated to me and our relationship, and to me that means a great deal. I do love her deeply because she has done all of this for me, and I feel certain that if she does not love me that she cares for me in a very deep way, although I think that it is likely she loves me.

It's nice to be able to feel the love without being told, but not everyone can do that.

[Petra5ed]

Have you told your T that you care about her? I think her saying she'd be devastated if you killed yourself is essentially equivalent to saying she cares... but if you want to hear it verbatim and don't want to ask, then maybe tell her you care about her, then pause... maybe if she still hasn't said it at that point say "I care about you and wonder how you feel about me?" Just a thought. The one time my T said he cared was after I told him I cared about him. It seemed to flow with the conversation we were having. It was much nicer than had I asked him. Even after hearing it though, there's still ample room to doubt it, so don't think that it will fill the hole so to speak... sadly it will not.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Partless

But if she doesn't say the words "I love you", will you want to end the relationship? Or is hearing that she cares about you, is that enough?

Actually, in another post, some posters (plus reflecting on what my T has said to me), I'm pretty sure she will NOT say "I love you". And thanks to the other posters, I've realized I'm okay with that. But I'm still going to ask.

What I meant by my post here is that if someone doesn't care about me, if they don't see me as a unique individual, then I don't want that person in my life. My T cares about me. I'm 100% certain of that, no doubt in my mind. She has said it, showed it, proved it. I'm not ending the relationship with her...no matter how she responds.

For me, asking my T if she loves me, is more about understanding love than it is about her. Like, do I actually love my fiance who is abusive to me? Do I actually love my T? Do I love my mother who neglected me? What type of love is friendship love? Is what my T shows me, is that love?

I hope that clarifies it some

But I do believe, if people want to know if their T or Pdoc cares about them, they should ask. In such type of relationships, if it matters to you, then the professional should care about you, as an individual and not as simple another client, a paycheck, solely because you're their "job". I would never stand for that.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

...For me, asking my T if she loves me, is more about understanding love than it is about her. Like, do I actually love my fiance who is abusive to me? Do I actually love my T? Do I love my mother who neglected me? What type of love is friendship love? Is what my T shows me, is that love?

I hope that clarifies it some

Oh indeed it does. What an insightful thing to say, you got me thinking now. Gosh, spent so much of my life trying to understand love. And it totally makes sense to bring it up in session like that. I was so focused on people asking the therapist about love and me concerned that the therapist might not say it back and the person end up feeling real hurt, I did not look at it as a learning opportunity. Thanks.

[StressedMess]

I have said I would be uncomfortable if T "loves me" because my experiences with love are all pretty craptastic. So as long as feel she is empathetic, interested, and not condescending when we have dealings with each other, I'm good with that. Scarlet pimpernel said it much better!

If the messed up kind of love is the only love there is, I don't want any more, thanks!



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[junkDNA]

my T has said many times that he cares about me "very much". sometime he just says it. and sometimes i just ask him if he cares. but he also shows me that he cares thru his actions.

i do not think i would want my T to say that he loved me. i would find that confusing. even though i feel like i love him as a person and he is important to me. i would not want him to say that to me.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's nice to be able to feel the love without being told, but not everyone can do that.

Yeah, I can't tell if someone cares from actions - I need something more concrete. It's easy for me to rationalise everything, but I find it incredibly hard to feel cared for. I can see all the caring things my T does, but I feel unsure about how she feels about me.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Have you told your T that you care about her? I think her saying she'd be devastated if you killed yourself is essentially equivalent to saying she cares... but if you want to hear it verbatim and don't want to ask, then maybe tell her you care about her, then pause... maybe if she still hasn't said it at that point say "I care about you and wonder how you feel about me?" Just a thought. The one time my T said he cared was after I told him I cared about him. It seemed to flow with the conversation we were having. It was much nicer than had I asked him. Even after hearing it though, there's still ample room to doubt it, so don't think that it will fill the hole so to speak... sadly it will not.

I haven't told her how I feel. I would cry. I don't handle closeness well, it's not a feeling I've learned to work with - it makes me feel vulnerable and emotional and, well, like crying. I would just cry and shake a lot and that would be too much for her and for me.