Therapist's Reaction to Your CSA

It was the first time my T had cried, so I felt really bad for having made her do so. I felt guilty and it was almost painful to see her so upset over something regarding me. Her anger subsided a bit when I told her I can't be angry at this dirtball anymore. I needed to work towards forgiveness and understanding. She agreed, of course. But when we talk about the CSA now, she still get's pissed off. Her reaction ultimately strengthened the bond we now share.

It makes her sad for me and very angry at the people who did it.

My T was really great when I started disclosing my abuse. I didn't tell her about my CSA at first, only the physical abuse. But when I told her, she was really great. I wrote about it, pretty vague details, and she read it and was really sweet and understanding. Even now, I've still barely made a dent in working through it, she's really gentle with me and keeps me present with her since I tend to dissociate while I talk about it. She's so great. I definitely appreciate her time and care because she and I both know I still have a long road ahead as far as working through everything.

My T was very calm and did not show any emotion ( mirroring?) I tend to suppress feelings even when with her. I sat there trembling on the inside, afraid of the words I was saying. I was wanting her to come over and sit next to me.

I just wonder how much I can trust my therapist's reaction (she's pretty neutral--not cold--but verging on something human I can't identify). As someone else pointed out, they hear these things all the time. It can't be shocking or new. Plus, they can't get too emotionally involved for their own mental health. I don't think mine is fake, but there has to be a lot of practiced response going on. I'm mostly concerned that the things she gets fiery about are non-issues and minor events. I don't get it.

I think about this a lot too. This is my life, my everything- I want it to mean something and I fear Im just on a conveyor belt of clients, where Im just 'work' and where the responses are practised and not really meant.

Having said that, when i disclosed my T was great. I think. I can't remember too much. I know I hadn't planned on saying anything that particular session, although I had alluded to recovered memories plenty of times previously, so it wasn't a surprise to him. I only really remember the last few minutes. He was talking really gently and the only question I remember him asking is if I had had any body memories. I couldn't verbalise a response but I showed in my face that I had, and he said so gently 'that look says all I need to know'. It was just the right thing to say, and i was so grateful- I felt believed. I couldn't look at him though - I turned my head away and looked at the floor and he took a step closer and turned to be in front of me again. It was just one step but it was massively comforting. like. Massively. He wasn't going to let me shut myself off - he was with me. I don't know- it was all exactly what i needed.

I'm really encouraged by all these stories of positive responses. Whether T. was angry or calm, mirrored or didn't, a lot of the time people seem to report that it was exactly what they needed, or that it at least strengthened the therapeutic alliance in the end.

I find myself sort of touched by the delicacy of those privileged to hear our stories. Yes, it's all too common, and, yes, there's often some therapeutic distance, but still...What enormous pressure, to have to hear what they hear and respond in the 'right' way.

Funny, I just caught myself using the word 'privileged' there. That was a word my T. used. How odd, to be on the receiving end of a story so horrible and be able to consider it a 'privilege.'

My T knew from session one that csa was there, but I had said in no uncertain terms that I was not ready to deal with that part yet, and we had more than enough other stuff to deal with that T respected that. In session two, I felt like there were questions that he was avoiding asking about the topic we were discussing and I felt like maybe they were questions that could bump up against the csa, and he was avoiding anything that would show a lack of respect for my request. In session three, I brought up that I felt like I needed to talk about it but wasn't ready to talk about it, but that it felt like it bumped up against the previous topics and that he was avoiding questions as a result (he admitted that was true, and that while he didn't know specifics of the csa, he could see general parallels/links to the other issues; I appreciated his respect). And before I knew it, I just had it all pouring out, along with a lot of tears. It was totally directed by me, though he asked questions he made it very clear that I could say "too soon" and didn't have to answer anything. He was very calm, soothing and quiet through it all. I don't know what expression was on his face, as it was one of the few times I couldn't look at him.

After it was all out, he actually had to take a couple minutes to reorient himself, that he hadn't exactly been prepared for it, because I had said I wasn't ready, and he expected it to take much longer before I could speak about it (as did I). We both sat in stunned silence for a couple minutes - I had no idea that was going to spill out. After that, the amount of compassion had me tearing up again. The part that stood out the most was his comment that he doesn't usually do this, but felt I really needed to hear it, and proceeded to tell me how he felt (anger that I had to go through that, sadness for having to grow up too fast, and in awe of my strength, essentially), because he didn't want me to feel judged or like I needed to be ashamed of it, though that is exactly how I did feel. We didn't have a solid relationship yet, so I did need to hear it.

I don't think there is a single "right" way to handle the disclosure, but I am really impressed by there being so many people who do handle it well, and can help.

Thanks all for sharing these experiences.

For me I was exploring dark, confusing emotions that I didn't understand, so the early parts of the process was just about looking at things. through this process memories and pain came to the surface, and I kept thinking about a couple of key moments in my childhood that had all this energy and hurt as well as confusion around them. I would never have classified them as CSA.

However I could see they were difficult, painful memories and had committed myself to being open with my T and trying to trust the process, so slowly I started writing them down and then trying to think about how I would broach the topic with my T. For some of these memories it took weeks of actively trying to start to talk before I could say anything. I realised early on, and I think my T helped me with this, that simply saying I had something difficult to say, helped. Talking about my fears and feelings about talking, made it easier. Centred me, connected us.

With the most difficult memory, my T was always very steady, patient, calm, she maintained eye contact and I could barely get a sentence out. I was describing my age and the context in which things happened but couldn't get the next part out. She just started asking simple questions like I'd say..."It was around this time that...." and she'd quielty after a time that felt like forever say "that things happened?" and I nodded.

It was so helpful for her to kind of bridge that gap, and for me to be able to just nod and for us to be sitting there together. Like so many of you, I really don't remember what happened afterwards, or in the next few sessions. I used to journal a lot after sessions to try and remember and I'm glad I did. Generally I've found my T very compassionate, quiet, giving me lots of space, affirming of me sharing. After time we start to look at how I feel about those experiences and she always points to things that are reassuring, countering my sense of shame and blame.

It's good. It's complex work and I am still in it, but she's been pretty great I have to say. She is the only person in the world who knows, other than those who were there with me. Got to give her credit for creating an environment in which I could talk about it.

all of u are brave to share...

i would never do it.cuz i have no idea what my feelings are around it...
blech.

I can't remember how it first came up. But he said we would take it slowly. Still didn't prepare me for feeling like a bomb detonated when I did finally get to talk about it. But he didn't really react. Always has the same neutral expression.