Therapist's Reaction to Your CSA

For those who have dealt with CSA in therapy, when you talk about it, how does your therapist react, especially the first time or two the discussion is opened?

My disclosure was prompted by an unrelated question that he asked that threw me into a panic. It was nearly the end of session, and he offered me an additional hour if I wanted to stay. I told him that I was afraid if I left I'd never say it. I think he had guessed by then because he asked only 2 very clear but gentle questions, so all I had to do was nod "yes." I don't remember much else from that session, nor the sessions that soon followed.

I gave her my diary to read, and I forgot about an entry I put in there that was really vague and she didn't want to wait till next session to talk about it, even though we were already 5 over, so I wrote down extremely vague details real quick and let her read it. It was the closest I had come to crying and it was the first time we hugged. She didn't really push anything, but did bring it up our next couple of sessions. I finally felt ready to start telling her yesterday, and she responded really well, in my opinion. It was funny though because she told me she wasn't going to ask that day, and was proud that I decided to. When I told her a detail, she acted concerned but at the same time like it wasn't too big for her to handle. No anger, no rejection. Even though I was struggling to talk about it, she took it all in. The only part that bothered me was how nonchalantly she could say different words that made me squirm. But that nonchalant approach helped me realize that she could help me with this. We still have a lot to cover, but I feel that I can do it.

She was angry that it happened to me.

That is really so sweet and tender. I'm glad you had such a kind and compassionate T.

I have told 2 t's so far about some csa I hadn't really remembered till last year, and both have been pretty good about it. Most recent T is concerned (not the right word, but I can't think of one that fits better at the moment... caring?) but lets me take it at my own pace. She allows herself to be upset about it when I don't allow that for myself, but she kinda holds a safe place while doing so. Previous T was specifically an sa t, so that was our focus. she was more even about disclosures and pushed a bit more, but also was ok going at my pace.
My disclosures happen first on paper, then I read them to t (there's something healing in finally saying it out loud for me, and having a safe person hear it)...

We had been talking about an on-going problem I was having with my father, and he asked if it were possible that I could just forgive him and let it go? I started to dissociate immediately and only half-aware whispered that I'd never forgive him. My T was quiet for what seemed like a minute, and then very, very softly asked me what my father had done to me that I couldn't forgive him for? That's when I realized what I'd said, and I started shaking and crying uncontrollably, saying "I can't, I can't, I can't." He was talking, but I couldn't hear him. Finally I heard him ask if I wanted to stay for another hour. He leaned forward and just said very slowly that I didn't need to think about anything, only did I want to stay? I nodded, and he called the front desk to reschedule a meeting he had (not a client).

He very quietly called me by name and asked me if what my father had done was sexual? And I nodded. Then he repeated my name (I guess I appeared still quite dissociated) and asked, quietly again, if he hurt me? And I nodded. And I was still shaking and crying and aside from remembering him walking me down the hall to the appointment desk (this was at the University) and hearing him ask the secretary to book the first available appointment, I don't remember anything else. I've tried to remember the next few appointments, but I don't. There was a time years later when he brought up that disclosure session and asked me if I remembered it, so I must have appeared very dissociated.

I've thought about how quiet he was, how softly he spoke, and the gentleness of the words he used when reading how straightforward and sometimes persistent some Ts seem to respond. All I remember him saying in response was a whispered "OK" or "It's OK." I doubt I could have tolerated more specific questions. I'm grateful that all I felt from him was empathy, protection, and a visceral sense of his being there with me, holding me without ever touching me.

That's a pretty standard question on intake, I think, nowadays.

Hellboy

Hellboy, I would hope that that's not a true statement. Dealing with csa is a sensitive matter, one to be touched upon in time where there is a stable relationship with trust and comfort. If some therapist asked me this on intake, I would be livid.

However, I'm so glad that you asked this question because I would love to get some insight as to how this is accepted and discussed with therapists.

When I told my therapist, it was via letter. I had her read it while I left the room. She came out after what felt like hours and asked me to come back into the room with her. I was a mess, shaking and crying; I didn't want to go back in with her. I finally did and she looked a little disheveled herself as though she might have teared up, her hair was pushed up funny on one side like she had run her hands through it and forgotten to smooth it back down. She tried to talk to me in a very quiet, sweet, soothing voice, but since that was something my abusers did I found it very triggering and ended up needing to leave. We talked later on that evening as I was a wreck, and was still very sweet and kind and grateful that I had felt comfortable enough to tell her in the first place.

As we talk about it now she will sometimes tear up and once she had a hard time taking to me because she was chocked up about something I had disclosed. Though I feel comfortable with her, I worry a lot about keeping her safe. I hate seeing her cry and really hate the thought of her being upset by me. I so so so worry about having to tell her details, I just feel like this will completely kill both of usand I'm not ready for that in the slightest.

Abuse is generally a standard question on intakes, but you can reveal as much or as little as you want. I don't go much beyond acknowledging abuse in the past, and depending on how comfortable I feel, I will tell them the types of abuse, but rarely go into detail about it until I trust the therapist. For me, I need to know they can deal with me and my history, since that's the biggest reason I go to t now. It's still really uncomfortable talking about it, but all t's that I've told about the various forms have been really good.

Tongalee, I hope your t can support you through whstever you feel the need or desire to tell... she sounds really supportive, though I understand your hesitation around her reactions. I'm hoping she's in a place to be able to take care of herself no matter what.

I don't really remember, but honestly both of them (and the lady who did my psychological assessment) just seemed to assume that i was abused that way because of the severity of my symptoms and how many times i've been hospitalized and so on. I find that irritating and frustrating.

It was such an ongoing and frequent thing that I think I have normalized it and don't think of it as a big deal at all. I tell myself over and over that everyone went through something like that. My last therapist said that isn't true, but I'm not sure.

I'm rambling, I guess I'm really detached from it all and can't understand why a therapist focuses on it. To me, the ongoing terror from the psychological, emotional, mental torture is way worse. The feeling that I don't deserve to live and shouldn't have been born is way more of a problem than anything else.

But honestly most therapists are used to these kinds of admissions and should be trained to deal with them in a kind and caring way. I know they hear this stuff every day they're working.

No, it's just a general question couched in "any abuse issues" and they make note of it. It wouldn't actually be discussed until the client is ready.

Hellboy

CSA has never been a topic I could disclose easily, me an T worked on one a little before my trip out west... it was the safest one.. because he went to jail and it was only for a year that it happened to me.... but I first wrote it down, did the best I could to read it to her, but cried and cried through the whole thing and don't remember much more... but then other stuff came up and I couldn't work on it anymore for a while.....
Then when I was ready to trust her and open up to her about what started all the dissociation and problems... I did homework, wrote it down and then made a mess of it.. now I don't remember it.. I know it is all in a book.. I was ready to read it to her.....
It sounds like maybe I have the wrong T after all the kindness and compassion your T's have shown you..... I have lots of decisions to make this week..

I am so glad you all had T's that were trustworthy and able to help you with disclosure of CSA in a kind and compassionate way... you are very lucky.

Oh jeez. The first time we talked about it was the week I remembered, I couldn't explain what was going on, he asked, I said I wasn't sure. He asked me before I remembered and I said "not that I know of"
When we really got into the thick of it I would get a lot of "it's not your fault... Do you need to hear it again? It's not your fault... Even if you feel unlovable, can you accept that someone else thinks you're lovable? ( that was a really big perspective changer.).

My t is crazy comforting and kinda changes his tone of voice and talks really slow. Typically that would annoy me, but it's comforting.

The first T I talked to about it really...repulsed me I don't know can't come up with the right word but she started crying and it was very off putting for me. I mean it happened to me and I wasn't crying so what was her excuse?? After that I couldn't talk to her about it.

Only have gotten REALLY into it with one T. She blocked off two hours on her day off for us to talk. Her face stayed neutral but she was radiating some strong anger. Almost made me bolt but then she explained the anger was for what had happened to me and was directed at the people involved not me.

Unfortunately the two therapists I've spoken to about my CSA past have reacted
(a) by immediately throwing a lot of explicit questions at me about the details of my experience, which ended up really triggering me, and
(b) by telling me they'd had other clients who'd been through a lot worse, and then describing their experiences to me.

I was really thrown by both situations, neither of which seem to me to represent well reasoned handling on their parts. Had I not been so shocked by the elements of lacking empathy that they each so uniquely expressed, I might have thought to interrupt them, slow them down, and enlighten them as to how they might more gently approach my most formative traumatic experiences, but I was quite simply like a deer in the headlights in both situations. Otherwise, I think it could have been well worth proactively having a conversation about their practice experience in talking about CSA, and about their personal approach to the topic. If I'd only known then what I know now..

I found this thread extremely helpful and wanted to add my two cents even though it's been a long while since anyone posted here. Hopefully it will benefit others as it has benefited me.

It took me six months to disclose, and I did so via letter. My relationship with my T. had been cordial and friendly but still rather distant, so I was really surprised with how well it went. He finished the letter, looking sort of grave, and we went for a little walk around the building. There was a fair bit of silence, but, for once, it wasn't awkward. We talked a little bit about the issue in a generalized, intellectual way. He was very gentle and respectful. I'd never really felt supported or "held" until that session, and found it therapeutic and liberating. I think we have a lot more respect for one another since then.

I wish I'd known, and want others to know, that disclosure can be very empowering and valuable even if your relationship with your T. is just "okay."

I hope everyone is well.

Take care.

Timely for me.

She knew there was csa, but just that. No details, not who the perp was, etc.

now, 4.5 yrs later, I'm finally feeling safe enough to talk about it. It took me many weeks of saying I might before I actually did. I projected all my fears onto her: she'd think poorly of me (no, I thought poorly of me), she'd be disgusted (nope, that was me too), she wouldn't be able to handle it, etc. I told her some and then stopped. Waited. Tested her. She was loving and compassionate and my fiercest protector.

Having passed the test, I told her more. Then some of the shameful bits, which were so blandly represented that she had no idea what I was really saying. She totally misunderstood and downplayed it and I felt defeated. All I heard was, "see! it's nothing! You're overreacting. Hysterical. It was no big deal." Instead of saying anything, I shut down.

And for the first time ever, someone came to find me (figuratively). For the next few weeks, she wouldn't let me go/get away with shutting down. She probed - kindly, respectfully. I think I melted. No one cares enough to do that for me. But she did. And then apologized for misunderstanding me and inadvertently hurting me.

She gave me her copy of Trauma & Recovery, which I underlined and we talked about. She asked where I thought I was in the recovery process (based on the book ... was I in the mourning stage?) I told her today that I wasn't even close to being done with the story telling. She looked very sad. Like she was sad that there was so much. And she said very quietly, I'm always here when you're ready to tell me.

I feel like I could write a thousand pages of my abuse and still not be done. And to top it all off, she said, "and you know you're a hostage right in your own home right now." It never ends, does it?

It's like a spiral. I gradually worked my way to it. But as it was unconscious, it came out in bits or tangled up. T was the same way she is with any other things I tell her.

T expressed anger about what I had experienced. We haven't gone into great detail, but I feel that he will be very compassionate when I am ready to cross that bridge.

My T cried, and was more angry at the a**wipe than I was.

I wonder what that was like? Crying & being angry is a really human reaction. Part of me thinks that would be touching in its authenticity, but I don't think I could have dealt with it, personally.

For those of you whose T's were angry, did you find that therapeutic?

Conversely, did anyone feel upset/disappointed that their T DIDN'T show stronger emotion?

I don't feel slighted or angry if a T doesn't show stronger emotions. Frankly - and unfortunately - I think many of them see this ALL TOO OFTEN.

I think that because I have processed this SO MUCH in therapy, I don't present as being in crisis when I talk about the issue, and they don't tend to respond in very emotional terms.

A good Therapist will mirror their patient and while it's certainly not easy or fun to discuss, I don't have a lot of really new, raw emotion around the topic.
And now that I think about it, I guess that my years and years and years (decades!) of therapy have paid off!

I did/do because I have never had anyone tell me it was wrong or even listen to me. So it feels like she is on my side and it is comforting and healing and validating. I do find her anger towards my abusers therapeutic.

I can totally see that. Thanks, Ellahmae