I JUST TYPED AN ENTIRE POST, FORGOT TO FILL IN THE SUBJECT, PRESSED CONTINUE, THEN PRESSED THE BACK BUTTON AND NOW IT'S GONE.

Ok, here it goes again.

As some of you may recall, I saw T twice last week. He had told me on Tuesday that he wouldn't be here for the next three Tuesdays, and that we could do it on Fridays instead. Then he asked if I would want to come in that upcoming Friday so I wouldn't have to wait to long to see him again.

I was overwhelmed at the prospect of having T twice in one week. Of course I loved it. But I hated it, as well. I felt like a little kid, having a toy taken away from me-- I want to see T twice a week so badly-- but I knew this would be a one time thing.

So when I went to see him on Friday, I figured I should tell him about this. Well, you should have seen me. You guys would have been so entertained at my efforts to explain this to him. It took me a full 21 minutes to even explain it to a point where maybe it was slightly comprehensible to him. I used every metaphore, similie, and analogy I could think of. Anything to not have to say it directly. Finally, after about a half an hour, I put my journal in front of my face so that he couldn't see me (am I three years old?) and said, "Sometimes I just feel like once a week isn't enough." Then I asked him if I could hide under the couch. I was kidding (sort of).

So we talked about it. Then it was over, and I left the room. As soon as I left the room, a horrible feeling came over me. Something had set in. I realized I was really mad at him. I thought to myself, "How could he not suggest that I come twice a week? What the hell is wrong with him? He can see I need him more than once per week; why didn't he take action to arrange that?"

I am too embarassed to tell T about this on Friday. I just feel like being cold to him.

Can you believe I am going to school for psychology? I feel like a child 75 percent of the day.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Pinksoil.
I think that evenb though it took you so long to tell the therapist that you needed to come twice a wekk it needed to be said. I hope you get the help you need so you can feel better soon. BRAVO to you for taking the journal along with you to the thrapy appointment. Take care soidhonia

[Perna]

I found a lot of between session anger at my therapist didn't play out like I expected next time I saw her. In person it became much easier to talk to her as another person than just be in my head with my hairbrained anger :-) "Using" your anger to talk more can be a good thing. I know you feel like sulking/being cold but I'm sure you don't really want to behave that way as it defeats the purpose of therapy?

Why does your therapist have to suggest twice a week? Why can't you ask for it? I guess though it depends on how well you'd use it? If you just "want" it because it feels good, that's one thing but if you talk too much (Me :-) for 50 minutes worth and are working hard at it, why not?

[sidony]

Hey congrats on getting up the nerve! I feel like a child in therapy all the time. Actually I feel like a child in general, and yet I'm 36. What's wrong with me?!

Maybe he didn't suggest it because he doesn't feel like you need to come twice a week (?). Ask him!

(Of course it's easy for me to say talk about it -- takes me forever to say things too.)

Sidony

[withit]

Pinksoil,
my friend tell me this all the time: she feels she needs to see t twice a week and she doesn't understand why t doesn't offer it!
T realizes she's overwhelmed and t tells her to take meds to help calm herself.
So she tells t, that when she has the support she needs she does a lot better.
At which point she expects t to say, alright so let's schedule twice weekly sessions....

The way I handled it was, I said to t, ''I feel I need to see you twice a week, however it is not possible for me to pay for two sessions. Can we work something out?" She so generously worked out an affordable plan and I got to see her twice a week, oh what a difference it made!

And sorry about your deleted post, it's happened to me too, oh how frustrating!

[sunrise]

pinksoil, (((((hugs)))))

You brought up a difficult topic with your T, one that made you very vulnerable, all in less than 50 minutes. Pat yourself on the back! (Not sure I could ever broach that subject.)

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So we talked about it.

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What did he say? It sounds like he didn't suggest you come for 2 sessions, as you had hoped, but what did he say? Did he say he thought you didn't need 2 sessions a week? If so, did he say why you don't need 2? Or did he say he had no room in his schedule for you to meet twice right now?

pinksoil, I'm not suggesting the next idea pertains to you, but I wonder if sometimes therapists might be reluctant to suggest a person come in twice a week unless they really think the person needs it because it might be seen as taking financial advantage of the person, you know, a conflict of interest? For example, I would really like to see my T twice a week because I am really anxious to make even more rapid progress and get from point A to point B. But I pay him out of pocket, full price, each session. I hand him cash. I can see how he might be reluctant to ask me to double this high cash outlay to him. Maybe he would respond differently if I said to him directly: "hey, I want to make faster progress and would like to come twice a week. I am OK with the double payments for a while. Do you think that would work for us?" (Why can't I just say that? ) Another idea: does insurance limit allowable reimbursement for psychotherapy to one session per week?

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I just feel like being cold to him.

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Ahhh, pinksoil, I hope you can talk about it with him and not be that way. ((((hugs)))) I have never felt the urge to be cold or mad at my T, but my T is so warm, I honestly think that if I entered the room with the intent to be cold, he would just melt me with his warmth in one second. Maybe that will happen to you too? Have you ever been "cold" to him in therapy before?

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sunrise said:
pinksoil, (((((hugs)))))

You brought up a difficult topic with your T, one that made you very vulnerable, all in less than 50 minutes. Pat yourself on the back! (Not sure I could ever broach that subject.)

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So we talked about it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
What did he say? It sounds like he didn't suggest you come for 2 sessions, as you had hoped, but what did he say? Did he say he thought you didn't need 2 sessions a week? If so, did he say why you don't need 2? Or did he say he had no room in his schedule for you to meet twice right now?

pinksoil, I'm not suggesting the next idea pertains to you, but I wonder if sometimes therapists might be reluctant to suggest a person come in twice a week unless they really think the person needs it because it might be seen as taking financial advantage of the person, you know, a conflict of interest? For example, I would really like to see my T twice a week because I am really anxious to make even more rapid progress and get from point A to point B. But I pay him out of pocket, full price, each session. I hand him cash. I can see how he might be reluctant to ask me to double this high cash outlay to him. Maybe he would respond differently if I said to him directly: "hey, I want to make faster progress and would like to come twice a week. I am OK with the double payments for a while. Do you think that would work for us?" (Why can't I just say that? ) Another idea: does insurance limit allowable reimbursement for psychotherapy to one session per week?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just feel like being cold to him.

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Ahhh, pinksoil, I hope you can talk about it with him and not be that way. ((((hugs)))) I have never felt the urge to be cold or mad at my T, but my T is so warm, I honestly think that if I entered the room with the intent to be cold, he would just melt me with his warmth in one second. Maybe that will happen to you too? Have you ever been "cold" to him in therapy before?

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Thanks for writing Sunrise.

As far as the fee, my T works on a sliding scale... so I don't think money has anything to do with it. Because I know that he would work with me.... I don't go through insurance at all.

The most I've ever done is come in and do the arms-folded-I'm-not-giving-up-any-information demonstration. That wasn't really with the intent to be cold. And even that backfired on me. I melt in there. Even last session (this is kinda funny), as we were talking I said, "That's it. This is too hard, I can't take the attachment and the transference. I'm quitting. This will be my last session." And T says, "You're quitting?" "Yes." Then we went on to talking about something else, and a few minutes later, T says (all calm and casual), "Can I ask you a question? I figure you won't have a problem answreing since it's your last session...." And I just started laughing. I couldn't help it.

Do I really need therapy twice per week or do I just need my T so bad that I feel this way? Would I see him 7 days per week if I could? Yes. I told him that I never, ever imagined therapy would be like this. This didn't happen with my last therapist. My last T was a female. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I never imagined it would consume me so much emotionally. It ends up hurting a lot. The transference, attachment, and fear of rejection are sometimes almost too much to take. BLAH. Right now I don't like this. I hate getting attached. Too much crap to deal with.

lol. welcome to regression. apparantly regression is fairly typical... you start talking to t about all the little kid feelings and vulnerabilities and stuff and so of course getting more in touch with them means that they get stronger for a time and it is hard to know how to cope with them... hence... welcome to regression :-)

i often feel like a little kid in therapy. and more in particular in how i feel about my therapist.

sounds like i'm in a similar place with you with respect to the transference feelings and also with respect to the frequency of therapy sessions. except that you are more upfront with your therapist than i am. i talk in an abstract manner and while i'm sure that he follows the implications it is NOT something that i am able to discuss with him directly yet.

how did he respond when you said 'sometimes i feel like once a week isn't enough'.

i'm wondering because it is possible that he didn't understand that was a request to see him more. on the other hand, it is possible that he did understand that it was a request to see him more but he doesn't see any of his clients more than once per week (maybe as a matter of policy) or maybe he is completely booked up so he simply can't fit you in for another session.

maybe... he wants to see how you respond to this so he can process that...

anger.

cool :-)

oftentimes idealising transference can be a defence against hostile feelings... we can be afraid that if they know we feel mad that they will hate us / be mad at us / intentionally hurt us / reject us... processing angry feelings can be really important. it must hurt too though, i understand that. today was meant to be the first of my an extra session every two weeks sessions. but he cancelled on me (flu or cold or something). its kinda hard... but i'm kinda coping... tempting to be a bit mean to him on friday... (assuming he is well enough to see me then)... but no doubt i'll melt and we will have a really good session.

can you bring it up again as a more direct request?

e.g., 'would it be possible for me to see you more than once per week'?

[sunrise]

pinksoil, that's so funny about your saying you were going to quit and your T totally knowing you were not serious. Sounds like the guy knows you only too well!

When you told your T you'd like to see him more than once a week, what did he say? I'm so curious! Not trying to pry or anything... Or did he just not answer and push it back to you with another question? (I hate when they do that.)

Ok. I am going to calmly type this entry. I just typed the longest response only to have it disappear. I have no idea what happened. It was like a weird hand spasm. I just randomly clicked something on my laptop and the whole thing was gone. Again. Anyway, I have nothing better to do than lay in bed and type the whole thing over again because I am home from work today, sick with a crappy head cold.

Well, I never actually told T I wanted to see him more than once per week. I said, "Sometimes I feel like once per week isn't enough." I guess there is a difference there. I mean, he definitely wasn't whipping out his datebook to find available spots for me, but I didn't exactly request to come more than once per week. I had just made a general statement, and he was moe concerned with talking about that. Basically what happened after I said that was that I went into one of my idiotic, nervous, rambling tirades. I think I was making efforts to cover up any of those possible therapeutic silences that might creep up because I was certainly not prepared to deal with them at the moment. I just started going on about how I hated attachment and this was all too much to deal with. T never pushes me to say anything. I will talk about things when I'm ready; they just come out, and he knows that. He basically just wanted me to elaborate on what I had said. But I wasn't really ready to do that (at least not in English) because it was hard enough for me to even get to the point I was at. So I just rambled on and then said "Wanna hear my dream?" and went on about that because I couldn't deal with talking about the previous matter. In fact, I had said to him, "After I tell you what I'm trying to say, I am going to jump out your window." And he replied, "Three floors is a big drop." I said, "I can make it."

Ok. Here is the pathetic part (as if the first part of my story wasn't pathetic already). I didn't want to have to admit this one, but here it goes: I can't even fit it in my schedule to see T more than once per week. And I am upset with him because he didn't suggest it. All I am is a manipulative little you-know-what, who wants my T to suggest that I come twice per week, when I can't even do it. I was expecting him to whip out a formal invitation that said: "Your presence is requested at therapy more than once per week." lol, but he didn't, and I got mad. I actually had to call T yesterday because I was registering for my classes next semester and I can no longer comes on Tuesdays. So he said the only other day he has open at 5 PM is Fridays. Fine, so that confirms it even more-- There is no way I could come more than once per week. Starting in May, I have my internship two days per week, my regular job three days per week, therapy one night, and classes two other nights. And he knows that. And I know that (of course). So what's wrong with me!? Why am I mad at him?! But I recognize my pattern. And this is one of those moments when I have to say: how very borderline of me, lol. I exhibited the same thing with my husband today. I left him a message on his voicemail at work. I said, "I just wanted to let you know I stayed home from work today since I'm not feeling well. I know you're really busy, so don't bother calling me back until lunch." So he didn't call me back. I told him not to. Am I upset? Of course. Sigh. But I think I have moved forward a little bit because in the past I would have taken it out on him when he did call. Now I recognize this as my pattern and I will not take it out on him. I will transfer it to my T instead, lol. Wait-- did I just give an example that therapy is working? That I am able to recognize something that I have done in my relationship for years and can now modifty my behavior so that I don't act that way? Wow. I just wish I didn't have to feel that way anymore. But I'm not up to that yet.

Wow. It felt good to write all of that. Sorry it was so long. Sometimes I wish I could act like someone who is going to turn 26 in less than two months. Just for a second. Even if I'm just pretending.

[sunrise]

Thanks for explaining, pinksoil.

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Basically what happened after I said that was that I went into one of my idiotic, nervous, rambling tirades. I think I was making efforts to cover up any of those possible therapeutic silences that might creep up because I was certainly not prepared to deal with them at the moment. I just started going on about how I hated attachment and this was all too much to deal with. T never pushes me to say anything. I will talk about things when I'm ready; they just come out, and he knows that. He basically just wanted me to elaborate on what I had said. But I wasn't really ready to do that (at least not in English) because it was hard enough for me to even get to the point I was at. So I just rambled on and then said "Wanna hear my dream?" and went on about that because I couldn't deal with talking about the previous matter.

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It sounds like you were so scared of his rejection that you didn't give him a chance to respond to your statement that "once a week isn't enough." You actually don't know what he would have said because you rushed to fill the time and space with your "ramblings." ((((hugs)))) I can so relate to this. Sometimes I am just barreling through my therapy sessions like a freight train, anxious to say so much, that there is no space for T to respond. One time after I had said something kind of momentous, I paused, and there was space. T said, "would you like me to respond?" I thought carefully and then said, "if you have something to say, I would love to hear it. But I can't tell you to say anything or not. It is up to you to respond or not, if you want." T loved that. He said "thank you, you have given me space here in therapy to exist with you. You have created space for me and allowed me to be." And he kind of settled down, like he was really comfortable now, and responded. ((((T))))

Anyway, pinksoil, that struck me as maybe similar to your situation--your not really giving your T a chance to respond to your needing more than one session a week. Can you go to your next session and give him space to respond? The fact that you don't actually have time for 2 sessions a week is interesting too. It's like you just want T to fulfill your need for more than once a week by saying he could provide that, but you can't really deliver on your end. But still, you'd like to hear the reassurance of more than once is OK from him. ((((hugs))))

That is great that therapy is giving you insights that are allowing you to alter your behavior patterns (with your husband) out there in "real life." That's what it's all about! I hope you'll share that triumph with your T. They love to hear stuff like that.

Hope your cold gets better soon.

I was thinking about how I would like my Friday therapy session to go, verses what will most likely happen.

What I would like to happen:

T: Hi. What's been going on this week?

Me (looking at him straight in the eye and speaking in clear, comprehendible English):
Well, last week I was really mad when you didn't suggest that I could come more than once per week. I wanted to come in here and be cold to you today, but I would rather just be honest and confront the issue.

What will really happen:

T: Hi. What's been going on this week?

Me (looking down and fidgeting with the lid to my coffee cup as if it's the most interesting thing in the world):
Nothing.

.
.
.

Great.

[lauren_helene]

Be glad Pinksoil that you could verbalize your feelings. It doesn't matter how long it took either.

I told him today I had a dream about him, he kind of got serious and I told him we were sitting around, talking and drinking...I said it was comfortable. He didn't say much.

I think therapists must hate transference sometimes. He was probably like "great, here we go again"...

Good for you though!

Thank you, Sunrise. You're exactly right. I am so afraid of rejection that I want to be with him more than once per week, but I didn't even give him a chance to comment on it. And like you said-- I don't even have time to be there twice per week-- I think it has to do with the whole object constancy thing-- I need to be there just to make sure he's still there. Once again, I can compare this to my relationship with my husband. I will go places with him that I really, really don't feel like going to, or go about things in a really inconvenient way just to make sure that he's not gone. Just like T.