How do I share emotions with T? I need to make my extra session tomorrow worth it...

I have trouble sharing emotions with T. Our session today was especially bad...when she was (genuinely) feeling sad about something I was telling her, I just started laughing hysterically for some reason because I was so not connected with my own sadness and I was really uncomfortable that she was acting sad and I didn't feel sad at all. It's been eight months of this, with her trying to get me to connect to my feelings and me...failing. Which is odd, because I am really good at connecting with my feelings when I'm by myself, but never in front of other people. I always feel the urge to downplay stuff or turn it into a joke. I think part of me is genuinely afraid T won't be able to handle it, or that my attachment feelings (which aren't super strong towards her now) will start going crazy once we "share" an emotional experience. I've explained all this to her, and she has been patient with me, but still no dice.

So, how do I do it? I want to talk to her about the hotline thing tomorrow, but I also want to feel a real feeling. That's my goal. But I don't know how to "get in the mood" for that kind of thing. (Oh my goodness this sounds bad!) Maybe if I asked her not to look at me so much it would be better, because when she stares at me with this super sad look on her face, it always makes me want to change the subject or make a joke...but other ideas? How can I get comfortable showing emotions in front of T? Or not even get comfortable, but just DO it?

I don't know how you can summon emotions in front of someone if it's always been difficult for you (I don't have that problem), but what you said about reacting to her facial expressions resonates with me. I think I get why you react the way you do. That kind of thing stops me cold.

I imagine you're stuck in a small office and have to face each other, but is there a window you can both turn your chairs to face and look out while you talk? It always helps me not to be stared at. Going for a walk is good too, but not all therapists do that or work in an area where there's good walking.

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow and that you can get this off you.

Walking would be nice if it wasn't -10 Celsius outside with snow and slush on the ground. I actually saw her walking outside with another client once and it took me like five minutes to figure out what was going on. But yeah, she is the kind of person that would be cool with that if it wasn't so darn cold out. Canadian winters.

I think I figured out a big reason why I suck at showing her feelings...when I show my feelings, I feel exposed and vulnerable, which makes me feel like a little kid, which makes me want someone to react to me in a maternal way and I have absolutely ZERO desire for any maternal transference with this T. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. She knows this and keeps telling me if it happens, it's okay, and we will just talk about it and she won't leave...and it's not that I'm scared of her leaving or of anything in particular happening; I'm just SCARED period.

Yearning, I would ask the T if it is all right starting the session talking about the things that make it difficult for you to share or display emotions with the T. And see what you could do differently to get around those obstacles.
Telling stories always helped me get into emotions. Having a pillow to hold onto really helped also. Is lying down too vulnerable to express emotions - would sitting up clutching a pillow make you feel less vulnerable.
If you are with a man or a woman, ask yourself and ask the T if that is an obstacle to therapy with a person of that gender. If the T reminds you of the traumatic episode or person, you may need to ask yourself if they can possibly wear that mask and have you open up to them.
One question to ask is how good is my relationship with my T and am I getting better.
Another question is are there many other T's in my area or is this the only one within 50 miles.
Just some things to consider if you feel blocked for 8 months.

What about the 'thirty seconds of courage' idea? I'm sure I first came across that here. Made it easier for me to tell my therapist a couple of hard things.

Deep breath, fix the 30 seconds in your head and go for it. Once you get started it will be easier, and once it's out well it's out. You've done your bit, you will have taken the first step. Then your therapist can help you figure out the next one, and the one after that.

I think we have a pretty good relationship and I've definitely shared more with her than any other T I've ever had before...it's just that I don't share myself with others very easily in general; we were making a list today of all the people I'd ever shared genuine emotions with, and I could only come up with one person, in my whole life, ever, and she's dying. So I don't think it's the T that's the problem...I think it's me. And it's something I need to overcome.

I have not reacted the way my T expected me to when talking about certain things. The first time I talked to her about my family's neglect, I had no reaction. She was surprised and confused. But then we started talking about my dad and I started tearing up. She responded by saying "there's the reaction I was looking for" and asked what the difference was...

And laughter is a defense mechanism? Sometimes things are just too much to feel that laughter lightens it up. When my mom got out of surgery, she wasn't doing good. Instead of crying, I was joking are trying to make everyone feel better. It worked...I got everyone to laugh even the woman sharing the room

You can try having your T not look at you. You can ask her to shut off the lights. My T suggested these techniques when I have difficulty talking about something. It really helps. I also don't loom at her. She's always making direct eye contact and I feel even more guilty admitting things to her when she looks at me.