[Petra5ed]

I've speculated on this, but I am wondering once again. It's crazy.

[SabinaS]

Maybe he's just a bit lovely?! *not v helpful emoticon*

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by SabinaS

Maybe he's just a bit lovely?! *not v helpful emoticon*

He really is. Tis a shame I don't get to see his awful side. Maybe if I heard him yelling at his kids or saw him living in squalor it would help me out.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

He really is. Tis a shame I don't get to see his awful side. Maybe if I heard him yelling at his kids or saw him living in squalor it would help me out.

Petra, lol, only in therapy!

Sometimes in my life I've wondered if I can just keep somebody an ideal for myself without knowing more about them and ruining the fantasy. I do that sometimes but other try to fight that by reminding myself that everybody's human and has all sides to them and are not an angel...what was that book, everybody poops? Lol. Yeah something like that...

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Partless

Petra, lol, only in therapy!

Sometimes in my life I've wondered if I can just keep somebody an ideal for myself without knowing more about them and ruining the fantasy. I do that sometimes but other try to fight that by reminding myself that everybody's human and has all sides to them and are not an angel...what was that book, everybody poops? Lol. Yeah something like that...

I think about this "fantasy ideal" all the time ... I mean both the fantasy and the idea he is a fantasy... and I wonder does anyone truly know anyone else? Can anyone ever completely know anyone else? To some extent everyone is just a fantasy of mine, I have limited info, I am just putting together pieces. Even people I should know really well like my own parents are kind of mysteries to me. The longer I've known my therapist the more I've learned about him, both from observation and the fact he's slowly self disclosed. I'm sure an expert would say I'm idealizing, but when I think of him I really do see him in a dirty house, with imperfect kids, and an imperfect life, and I just don't care. I love him and I love his imperfections and flaws. It is the damndest thing really.

It is the damndest thing, ain't it? I feel the same way. I sometimes picture my t and her partner arguing over whose turn it is to cook dinner, her pouting about never seeing any sunshine (it rains a LOT where she lives!), and of course I've already experienced what she's like when she's mad (and I did not like it one bit!) But.... I don't care either and I still love her. So much. Ugh.

[stopdog]

I don't understand. I don't even see how it would be possible for me to feel that way about the therapist. I don't think the woman is wonderful or that she displays a good side. I generally can tolerate her and when I can't, I take a break. I don't feel anything towards the second one either, and she seems to understand what I am saying a lot more than the first one.
I actually do wish I knew why some others feel the way you describe about a therapist.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't understand. I don't even see how it would be possible for me to feel that way about the therapist. I don't think the woman is wonderful or that she displays a good side. I generally can tolerate her and when I can't, I take a break. I don't feel anything towards the second one either, and she seems to understand what I am saying a lot more than the first one.
I actually do wish I knew why some others feel the way you describe about a therapist.

Stopdog, is there anyone you love? If so perhaps it's just your therapist is inadequate. I didn't love prior therapists, then again I wasn't attracted to them either. I'm sure it's transference or whatever, but its also not like I would fall in love with just anyone I meet that's nice to me!

[stopdog]

Yes, there are.

i don't get the idealization of those people, not just just the idea of loving one of them, I don't even get liking them.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes, there are.

i don't get the idealization of those people, not just just the idea of loving one of them, I don't even get liking them.

I don't know of anyone else on this board who shares my thoughts on this subject better than you! If we are kindred spirits can you pass me some of the assertiveness?

I think I'm flawed because I am neutral towards my T. A lot of people have a love/hate relationship and mine can hardly be called cordial. Businesslike, mutual respect, tolerance, okay. Like, love, not so much.

Maybe it's because I'm a short-timer or too guarded or emotionally numb, or maybe she isn't someone I could hold in deep regard no matter what our relationship?

I'm not sure how to explain why I feel the way I do about my t... it's a lot of things I guess... not the least of which is because I have come SUCH a long way in the 3 years we've been talking. I feel like she has helped me to help myself in a lot of ways. It's because for such a long time I needed/wanted someone who could and would listen to the ME beneath all the crap and help me learn how to listen that way too. If any of that makes sense.

[MrPink182]

I feel why we "love" our T's so much is because we can tell them more than what we can tell a best friend. We can trust them that they won't tell our secrets to people we know. They give us undivided attention for 45-60 min. They want to focus on you and not them.

[NowhereUSA]

I think I'm in some weird neutral zone.

I care about my T. I've seen him for six years and I genuinely have some level of affection and attachment to him. That being said, I don't have a romantic love towards him. He's attractive so sometimes I have a few fantasies, but they never leak into some desire to have a relationship with him (haha).

I kinda like what I have. I feel like it's intimate and deep and I can leave him in his office when I go home

[lunatic soul]

I think we didn't love them so much if we saw how they talk to other clients and if it were as sweet as he talks to us...

[Partless]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I think I'm flawed because I am neutral towards my T. A lot of people have a love/hate relationship and mine can hardly be called cordial. Businesslike, mutual respect, tolerance, okay. Like, love, not so much.

Maybe it's because I'm a short-timer or too guarded or emotionally numb, or maybe she isn't someone I could hold in deep regard no matter what our relationship?

Oh I don't think it's a flaw. I know some psychoanalysts or whoever sometimes talk about a mandatory erotic transference but I don't think it must be part of every therapy - sometimes no love is felt - nor do I think it's necessarily transference when love is felt. It may be actual love. Due to ethical code they have, of course therapist can't act on it, the real or the transference kind, even if they do love the client in return.

I think once in a blue moon a client and therapist may happen to be near soul mates and love each other but not be able to do anything about it. Different time, difference circumstances...

I've had mostly female therapists and couple of them I felt nothing, and one I loved. It was during my teens so I think I was looking at her as a potential partner and it wasn't transference or anything. In other words, I felt an attraction to her as soon as I saw her. Of course, it did not help that she was understanding and caring (during our sessions of course). I wished she was mean sometimes, like Petra might say, lol.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

I think we didn't love them so much if we saw how they talk to other clients and if it were as sweet as he talks to us...

I hope she doesn't talk to anyone the way she talks to me That's selfish and wrong I know. I should probably bring that up but I won't. I've been with my T (she's my first) for 3 months and we just started getting to the issues and I've developed such a strong bond so quickly - probably not normal but I don't care. I'm starting to feel better and I owe it ALL to her.

We love the feeling of safety we have when with them. If e didn't have that growing up, than as an adult, we're more conscious of a process that as a child is mainly unconscious.

[JustShakey]

It's a good question. I wouldn't say I love T. I'm reasonably attached to him and I'm quite fond of him - perhaps I love him like you might a close friend or caring mentor but I'm definitely not 'in love'. I'll miss him when he's not in my life any longer, but I won't be devastated.
Previous T on the other hand, her, I love, and for no good reason either. I experienced her as self-centered and needy, only caring towards me when I pleased her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes, there are.

i don't get the idealization of those people, not just just the idea of loving one of them, I don't even get liking them.

I actually am not too different from you except as a teen I was very attached to my psychiatrist/T. But I saw her during an important developmental stage - from when I was 11 until 21. So I think there's bound to be an attachment. She was a mother figure and the only adult I really shared anything with and who seemed to get me. I don't think I idealized her however. I knew she had her own family and saw pictures her children. There was never any fantasy on my part or any desire to be part of her real life.

As an adult I haven't really had the same experience though I've seen therapists and doctors that I have liked. Yes, I'm attached to my psychiatrist but I am pretty aware it is straight up attraction only made stronger by the fact that he is hot, kind, listens well and that I started seeing him right after my H left me. I've had multiple other not so hot male T's and pdocs that have also been kind and listened to me. I liked them enough, but always in a neutral way. Once I left their office I never gave them a second thought.

I am able to like Ts and do like my current female T very much, but I like her. We are similar and clicked right away - she is probably someone I could be friends with. Still, I rarely ever think of her outside her office. So in that respect I don't identify with the strong "love" so many other posters feel for their T's. I can understand the reasons behind the feelings, but I can't say I've had it to the level of intensity so many other posters have.

[scorpiosis37]

I love my T because she is the first adult I have ever had a secure attachment with. I missed out on having that as a child, so now I am having as much of that experience as is possible within an adult T/client relationship. This is the first time I've felt that level of trust-- that she will be there when she says she will, that she will follow-up on X when she agrees to, that she will remember what I've shared from week to week, and so forth. While listening to me for 55 minutes a week is her "job," she also provides love and nurturing that one cannot simply buy. Over the course of my 4 1/2 years in therapy with her, we have developed a very real, loving relationship. I'm fully aware that she can never be my mom or my friend, but I really, really appreciate her for being the kind of therapist who goes "above and beyond" for me in the ways that she can. She loves me, and that isn't something I have had a lot of in my life. I hope that I will have more loving, trustworthy people in my life in the future-- but they are not the people whose family I was born into; they are people I have to seek out and develop relationships with on my own.