[granite1]

my T asked me a question today that was hard for me to answer at all . omg it so confused me .I ended up telling her that I would have to think more about it and write it to her in my journal because I was not able to say well what I wanted to say to her . the question was how can you expect someone who is loyal to you, such as your husband or I ,to white wash the abuse that happened to you . this was the question she asked when I told her that I wish that my husband was more tolerant of the mother . that it would make things easier for me. boy did that open a can of worms that I didn't mean to do. my T does not like the mother at all and has no problem saying so (on my behalf) neither does my husband .but neither seem to understand nor care how hard it makes things on me

how would you answer this question.

[stopdog]

Granite - even the little bit I know about your mother makes me hate her.
But
My own mother had some issues with me, and I don't like it either when anyone else tries to say she was not a good mother. I was a crap daughter and nothing like the sort of thing she expected when she had one. I was the wrong sort of daughter for her. But I don't like anyone else to tell me she was bad at it.

I think the therapist does not want to collude with your idea that the problem was you and not your mother. I think it may come to talking about why/how it makes things hard on you when she does - I don't think it will make the therapist change her mind about your mother, but talking it through with her may help you.

I get what you're going through, because I am engaged in a similar struggle, but not to the same extent. Once I step back, I see that I am wanting my therapist to change (or collude as stopdog puts it), not me. And that makes therapy pretty pointless.

I guess I would ask: what are you wanting to get from this therapist? That would be one place to start. Let's say she changes her mind and agrees that you were the problem. Would that make therapy successful for you? I know in my case, it would make me feel a lot worse, not better.

I would answer the question she put to you this way: I can't expect you to white wash it, because I can't change you. I can only change myself. But I do want you to listen to why I try to white wash what the mother does and what's at risk for me if I don't.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Granite - even the little bit I know about your mother makes me hate her.
But
My own mother had some issues with me, and I don't like it either when anyone else tries to say she was not a good mother. I was a crap daughter and nothing like the sort of thing she expected when she had one. I was the wrong sort of daughter for her. But I don't like anyone else to tell me she was bad at it.

I think the therapist does not want to collude with your idea that the problem was you and not your mother. I think it may come to talking about why/how it makes things hard on you when she does - I don't think it will make the therapist change her mind about your mother, but talking it through with her may help you.

exactly I don't think I could have worded how I feel at times better . I was not the daughter that she had expected .that was for Sure .I was not easy at all.i will try to tell my T this and she just doesn't get it at all.

[stopdog]

I think telling the therapist is a good idea, but I don't think it will change the therapist's mind - it has not with the ones I see. They do babble on about it being the parent's problem and not that of the baby/child.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I get what you're going through, because I am engaged in a similar struggle, but not to the same extent. Once I step back, I see that I am wanting my therapist to change (or collude as stopdog puts it), not me. And that makes therapy pretty pointless.

I guess I would ask: what are you wanting to get from this therapist? That would be one place to start. Let's say she changes her mind and agrees that you were the problem. Would that make therapy successful for you? I know in my case, it would make me feel a lot worse, not better.

I would answer the question she put to you this way: I can't expect you to white wash it, because I can't change you. I can only change myself. But I do want you to listen to why I try to white wash what the mother does and what's at risk for me if I don't.

i often tell my T that i wish she could help me be someone different .a better person. not someone who is so difficult to deal with or be around. we do have this struggle between us about her attitude towards the mother and her treatment of me. she will not back down. although she has said that we may need to agree to disagree.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by granite1

i often tell my T that i wish she could help me be someone different .a better person. not someone who is so difficult to deal with or be around. we do have this struggle between us about her attitude towards the mother and her treatment of me. she will not back down. although she has said that we may need to agree to disagree.

I could have written this. I keep insisting to T I just need to learn to be a better daughter. To be kinder and more patient and then I will have a better relationship with my mother. My T recently said the goal was to minimize contact with her . I was shocked as anything.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I could have written this. I keep insisting to T I just need to learn to be a better daughter. To be kinder and more patient and then I will have a better relationship with my mother. My T recently said the goal was to minimize contact with her . I was shocked as anything.

Omg tell your t i said thanks.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I find this interesting. I have never really been told to distance myself from my parents except if I felt that the relationship was harming me. In fact, previous T convinced me to contact my mom and try to allow her in my life.

I have worked on analyzing reasons why my mom couldn't mother me: childhood abuse, depency, low self-esteem, our family dynamics, and she worked at a preschool and spent her days raising other people's kids and didn't have energy to raise her own kids. But those don't excuse neglecting me and abusing me. I didn't choose to be born. I am who I am and shouldn't be ashamed of it. She choose to have me and knew what her responsibilities would be. My T helped me process how it's affected me, how to cope with it, etc. The end goal was to confront my mom and tell her how I felt. This was important to release me from blaming myself. It hurt my mom, but she did own up to her wrong and since, we've had a stable relationship.

My mom still does many things she used to. It's a part of her. I can choose to accept it and cope with it or distance myself from her. But it's MY choice. Since I choose to stay in a relationship with her, others need to respect my choice. So even though my fiance hates my mom, he's nice to her.

Side note: my family hates my fiance, they are nice to him because I choose to stay with him. My T and Pdoc don't like him either. They tell me to be open minded about leaving him, but it's still my choice.

So here's my suggestion: tell your T and husband that this is your choice. They don't have to respect or support your mother, but they need to respect and support you. At the same time, you might want to be more open to their feelings. They care about you and don't want to see you hurting. You have to respect their feelings on the matter. They are trying to protect you, not hurt you. The topic of your mother being in your life needs to be open for all parties to discuss. Honesty and openness will help all of you. It's seems like no one is hearing out the other and that leads to a stand still. Now, while it's your choice to keep your mom in your life and your H and T should support your decision, it's not fair to expect them to constantly "pick up the pieces". You have to take responsibility for your choice and learn to cope with the difficulties that come with the relationship.

That's jusy my opinion. You can disagree

[JustShakey]

(((Granite)))
Sometimes what we need to hear isn't what we want to hear.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lauliza]

I agree with Scarlett regarding how your T should respect your choices. She doesn't have to agree with them, but should respect them. That said, there is nothing you will do to convince your therapist or most other people, that anything you did as an infant or child justifies abuse or neglect. It is an argument that will go in circles. As a T I think she'd know that it's not unusual for victims defend their abusers. Trying to convince you to change your mid isn't going to he effective in how you perceive things.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I find this interesting. I have never really been told to distance myself from my parents except if I felt that the relationship was harming me. In fact, previous T convinced me to contact my mom and try to allow her in my life.

I have worked on analyzing reasons why my mom couldn't mother me: childhood abuse, depency, low self-esteem, our family dynamics, and she worked at a preschool and spent her days raising other people's kids and didn't have energy to raise her own kids. But those don't excuse neglecting me and abusing me. I didn't choose to be born. I am who I am and shouldn't be ashamed of it. She choose to have me and knew what her responsibilities would be. My T helped me process how it's affected me, how to cope with it, etc. The end goal was to confront my mom and tell her how I felt. This was important to release me from blaming myself. It hurt my mom, but she did own up to her wrong and since, we've had a stable relationship.

My mom still does many things she used to. It's a part of her. I can choose to accept it and cope with it or distance myself from her. But it's MY choice. Since I choose to stay in a relationship with her, others need to respect my choice. So even though my fiance hates my mom, he's nice to her.

Side note: my family hates my fiance, they are nice to him because I choose to stay with him. My T and Pdoc don't like him either. They tell me to be open minded about leaving him, but it's still my choice.

So here's my suggestion: tell your T and husband that this is your choice. They don't have to respect or support your mother, but they need to respect and support you. At the same time, you might want to be more open to their feelings. They care about you and don't want to see you hurting. You have to respect their feelings on the matter. They are trying to protect you, not hurt you. The topic of your mother being in your life needs to be open for all parties to discuss. Honesty and openness will help all of you. It's seems like no one is hearing out the other and that leads to a stand still. Now, while it's your choice to keep your mom in your life and your H and T should support your decision, it's not fair to expect them to constantly "pick up the pieces". You have to take responsibility for your choice and learn to cope with the difficulties that come with the relationship.

That's jusy my opinion. You can disagree

i completely agree that it is not my husbands responsibility to be picking up the pieces from me dealing with the mother.i try to protect him from that as much as i can by keeping it to myself .although there are times that memories and just horribleness takes over and i am miserable . i hate that and do work to control that. but i would hope that my T would help me in learning to accept the mother and be able to deal with her but her attitude is that the best is to limit contact as she is still very disturbed and abusive. she explained that she does not see the mother as being remorseful or anything around the abuse and is not going to ever change to help the relationship. i don't know how to change that only me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by granite1

i completely agree that it is not my husbands responsibility to be picking up the pieces from me dealing with the mother.i try to protect him from that as much as i can by keeping it to myself .although there are times that memories and just horribleness takes over and i am miserable . i hate that and do work to control that. but i would hope that my T would help me in learning to accept the mother and be able to deal with her but her attitude is that the best is to limit contact as she is still very disturbed and abusive. she explained that she does not see the mother as being remorseful or anything around the abuse and is not going to ever change to help the relationship. i don't know how to change that only me.

You can't change your mom. You can't change anyone except yourself. But it's still your choice to accept whoever you want to in your life.

And I hope my response didn't come across that I think you H shouldn't support you ever concerning your mom. Whether your mom is in your life or not, you still have to learn to cope with the trauma you experienced. And for that you should have your loved one's support. Just he shouldn't have to "rescue" you. I hope that makes sense.

I do understand wanting a relationship with your mom. Good or bad, she's your only biological mother. Just know that nothing will ever fill the hole that was left. You have to build up yourself in order for the hole to no longer be such a big part of your life. And I do hope you can clearly express to your T and H your feelings and your needs from them concerning you mom, and I hope they come to respect and accept your decision and support you.

[granite1]

you made an excellent point about my husband not having to rescue me all the time . im definitely having to put some thought into that.

[unaluna]

I told my t recently, I never really understood why he and previous ts told me to cut contact with the family, that it was making their (the ts) job harder to bring me forward. But the past few years on here, i have seen people return from family visits like theyve been thru a freakin wood chipper. Its like watching a horror movie - i dont really understand what happens behind that door, but i'm in the audience screaming, dont go in there, and im trying to tell myself its only a movie. I mean it doesnt feel real, it doesnt make sense, but i have to go with, my life IS starting to feel a little bit better if i do stay away from that door. Its like i have to accept that its a mind freak.

[sweepy62]

I know my parents are were toxic, I know what I went through, I know my t knows they are were toxic, my mom is still living. My problem is hearing it from somebody else, it makes me feel all the more guilty. T has suggested I need to desensitize myself. She is right, but easier said than done. I understand you granite.

i agree with this title.... too much.