Couch 83: In a world where...

5 days to go, 5 days to go. Can I wait? yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, .......um no.

Thanks, all. I appreciate your support, very much. It has been a weird day, and now it's bedtime. Fortunately I never had to go into work (I could do stuff from home, not that I got much done) and H came home very late.

I have done the back to school shopping for the ;last 9 years, why can't he do it? Now I have go to him like a serf with cap in had tugging my forelock, just for the money for stationery supplies. I so hate him...

That sucks BPA.

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So I emailed my T because therapy made me feel like I had the flu today and I felt like complaining about it. Waaay out of character. I never email my T without a good reason... I've been feeling downright strange since Christmas. 2015 is setting up to be a weird year...

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So proud of myself... Conquered my phone fear... Okay so it was just leaving a voice mail but that's still something...

I called my T to tell her I quit therapy in addition to the letter I sent. Just in case she doesn't get the letter 24 hours prior to the next appointment. Now I don't have to worry whether she received it in time.

Well done conquering the phone fear. I've been doing phone sessions with my t for over 2 years, and I still to this day chant in my head "Please be voice mail, please be voice mail" when I have to call her between sessions for scheduling or something. Like yesterday. And she answered, so I was all deer-in-the-headlights for a couple seconds!

RTS, you have come such a long way since I first met you on here! You rock.

Sorry you were feeling lousy. Are you feeling better now?

This year is shaping up to be messed up for me too. Sigh.

T asked for permission today to push me a bit. I have been having some wicked flashbacks, and cannot remember some of them right after they happen. But I am left shaking uncontrollably and covered in sweat. Anyway, he asked for permission at one point to push and when I semi-nodded, semi-shrugged, he told me what he thought the logical conclusion was of the flashbacks I can remember. I promptly pulled my knees up to my chest, buried my face in my arms and a pillow and chanted NONONONO at him. sigh. I remember when I actually had some dignity. Then there is a big blank spot in my memory followed by an awareness that T was touching me and talking really earnestly to me about ... something. We had talked in the past about what helps me when I am dissociating so he was aware that him touching me is helpful to me when I am dissociating. I am just ... disgusted/embarrassed/frustrated with myself. I really thought I had things more under control than this.

It does seem like there has been a pattern of her just not quite hitting the mark.

MKAC.

Sorry you felt so out of control... Doubt anyone else would see it that way...think your T knew it would happen but introducing their interpretations is a one time "smack in the face" sort of thing... Now you can process it slowly at your speed..maybe?

It is a pretty obvious conclusion but one I am resistant to. I am pretty convinced that not even my mother is that horrible and the flashbacks are just weird lies or some attention whoring thing my brain has invented.

Perhaps talking about what it would mean if it were true would be a helpful conversation... YT used that line of conversation to help me look at a conclusion I was resistant to.

Ready, I miss YT. He was awesome. Let's find YT2.

ditto. Is it weird to miss other people's T's? I bet Stopdog will say it is. lol.

Can i miss fake ts? Tonight i saw the rerun of Law and Order Criminal Intent where F Murray Abraham plays Jeff Goldblum's t-dad. It was great.

I want cookies.

Oreos are tasty.

I feel so all over the place. My moods are just back and forth. One day I'm hitting rock bottom and the next I am feeling pretty content... Then the next I might be sad or anxious... Then maybe feeling optimistic... Then scared and at rock bottom. I'm all over the map! What's up with that?

I would not even miss the ones I see.

My therapy goal for next week is to purposely develop romantic transference for Stopdog's T.

Ack.
The first one is sort of dr. ruth - like in appearance (no accent and not so focused on sex) and the second is taller non-jewish dr. ruth like (without the accent or the sex focus either). Ack.

Sounds hot.

Wait until i tell my own t what I worked on this week.

Having things under control is your main defence. A powerful defence it is, too. That's how you can function so well in spite of the pain.

But it can also be a barrier to healing. The wound can fester under the cast. The cast must come off so the wound can be cleaned and drained.

Thinks: If Madame T could only put things so clearly she might have got further with me. Instead she just cut into the cast with no explanation.

Who is the "she" in this sentence?

the therapist Ready had been seeing.