[Teddy:)]

Have you ever been so scared of your therapist leaving you that you have begged them to stay?

Do your thoughts play havoc when they do go away and you fear that they will never return and they are just going to leave you?

I am struggling so bad with this at the moment- I feel like a little kid who is throwing a tantrum, it's hard to control. My T says I have to push through it, so i will see that i wont be abandoned but it is so hard. To me there is not time to push through it- it's either now or never. Each day is a new day to be abandoned. What happens today doesn't mean anything tomorrow!

I really just want my T to return so everything can be ok again.

[TheWell]

Fear of being abandoned is a terrible feeling. I understand that feeling. I'm okay with short vacations and holidays but I feel it creeping in some times. I've talked about it. It's gotten better because my therapist and my group therapist have been there for me when I've needed them for a long time. It's not gone yet but it really feels like the consistancy is what I need to overcome it.

I tried to respond once but the quoting didn't work right. Sigh.

So to your first question - I didn't actually beg, but I was about an eighth of an inch away from it when my t told me she was moving to another state. The only thing that stopped me from falling to the floor and grabbing her leg and begging her to stay was that she agreed we could do phone sessions. We've been doing phone sessions for over 2 years now.

I remember the appointment when she told me she was moving, she said "I'm not abandoning you." I said YES YOU ARE! through my tears. Talk about acting like a little kid throwing a tantrum. Not my finest moment!

That fear of being abandoned is so gut-wrenching. Talking about it helps, definitely. I hope your t is back soon. Sending good thoughts your way!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I greatly struggle with my fear of abandonment. Like you, just because my T proved one day that she won't abandon me, doesn't mean the next day she won't. And yes, I have begged her to stay. I have asked her to promise me she won't leave. She used to respond that she's not going anywhere because she likes our city and her job. That wasn't a good enough answer for me. Just because she's not going to leave our city or career, doesn't mean she won't leave me. Now when I ask, she promises.

I do panic when she leaves for vacation or has to miss a session. I fear something happening to her, or that she enjoys her time away from me that she terminates me when she gets back. I also fear she will forget about me and will double book.

My T has me keep a written list of all the ways she has showed me she cares. Every time I worry, I look at the list and remind myself that she really does care about me. And anytime I need it, I can ask her for reassurance.

There's another thread that talks about transitional objects. Maybe you can ask your T for one. Or ask to borrow something of hers when she goes on leave.

Originally Posted by Teddy:)

Have you ever been so scared of your therapist leaving you that you have begged them to stay?

Do your thoughts play havoc when they do go away and you fear that they will never return and they are just going to leave you?

I am struggling so bad with this at the moment- I feel like a little kid who is throwing a tantrum, it's hard to control. My T says I have to push through it, so i will see that i wont be abandoned but it is so hard. To me there is not time to push through it- it's either now or never. Each day is a new day to be abandoned. What happens today doesn't mean anything tomorrow!

I really just want my T to return so everything can be ok again.

I was abandoned by my therapist who said he would NEVER leave me. And it has been very painful and difficult and I wanted to just die, but I have survived and life has gone on. I did beg him to take me back and he refused. It is one of the most damaging things I have ever gone through and I have gone through a lot of horrible things. It is something you can live through though.

Some therapists are not unethical like mine was.

[Teddy:)]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I greatly struggle with my fear of abandonment. Like you, just because my T proved one day that she won't abandon me, doesn't mean the next day she won't. And yes, I have begged her to stay. I have asked her to promise me she won't leave. She used to respond that she's not going anywhere because she likes our city and her job. That wasn't a good enough answer for me. Just because she's not going to leave our city or career, doesn't mean she won't leave me. Now when I ask, she promises.

I do panic when she leaves for vacation or has to miss a session. I fear something happening to her, or that she enjoys her time away from me that she terminates me when she gets back. I also fear she will forget about me and will double book.

My T has me keep a written list of all the ways she has showed me she cares. Every time I worry, I look at the list and remind myself that she really does care about me. And anytime I need it, I can ask her for reassurance.

There's another thread that talks about transitional objects. Maybe you can ask your T for one. Or ask to borrow something of hers when she goes on leave.

Thanks for you reply! Everything you said is exactly how I feel- I am constantly asking her if she is still there and whether she still remembers me, I also fear that something bad has or will happen to her. She always promises that everything is ok and she isn't going anywhere- but the fear is still there. The transitional item and the list thing are good ideas cause I really struggle with holding onto a memory or connection with her.
Do you find that you go through a cycle thing of intensely missing your T and then like really disliking them whilst they are away? I sort of feel like the longer my T is away then the less connection I will have with her and I'm afraid that when I see her again I won't feel connected to her anymore and she won't feel connected to me and she will just get rid of me or refer me to someone else

[wotchermuggle]

I pretty much begged a former therapist to find some way to keep seeing me even though he was giving up his practise. I'm glad now that it is over because I have a much better T.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I definitely go through a cycle:

I miss my T so much, but I fear being "needy" and she will leave me because of it. So then I want to distance myself from her to reduce the "neediness". When I see her the next time, I wind up pushing her away which upsets and frustates her. So then I fear losing her and feel "needy" again.

I never have feelings of hatred towards her. And I never feel angry when she does miss a session. The only time I did feel angry was when she actually did forget about me.

It was in '13, and I had only been seeing her for about 2-3 months. I was supposed to have a session before she left for Christmas. Well, she had a family emergency and had to cancel our session. That hurt so much. But, it was understandable...family>clients. She told me she would call me after Christmas to check in with me. So I tried my absolute hardest to be strong and understanding so my T didn't have to worry about me. Day after Christmas came and I waited anxiously for her call. I waited till midnight, no call. I had a complete breakdown. We wound up emailing some, and I did show up to my next appointment. When she came out to get me, I couldn't even look at her. She walked up and gave me a long hug. We wound up processing the events for over a month. I'm glad I didn't give up and quit. Normally, if someone hurts me like that, I kick them out of my life permanently.

Two sessions ago, I finally verbalizedmy attachment to her. She had already known about my attachment because it was always mentioned indirectly, and I had written about it in emails to her many times. It was extremely difficult. We talked about many aspects including what "neediness" looks like for me, what "pushing away" looks like, the cycle I go through, my fears of losing her, my fears of her "punishing" me and pushing me away/having stricter boundaries. I'm actually glad we talked about it. It took away some of the shame which took away some of the intensity. We talked about how neither being "needy" nor pushing her away was helpful, and how finding a balance btwn the two was healthy.

I'm still overly attached to my T. That won't be going away for quite some time. But I do feel that honestly and openly talking about it really helped. And we will continue to talk about it.

I would definitely suggest talking to yourT about your feelings. Talk aboutit as often as you need to. Asking for reassurance is healthier than trying to manipulate T into showing she cares. And asking for something, even a hand-written letter, to hold onto while she's gone is you trying to cope with something that is difficult for you.

It does get easier over time. I think a little bit of the fear will always remain, but time allows us to see their consistency which provides the most reassurance.

Originally Posted by Teddy:)

Thanks for you reply! Everything you said is exactly how I feel- I am constantly asking her if she is still there and whether she still remembers me, I also fear that something bad has or will happen to her. She always promises that everything is ok and she isn't going anywhere- but the fear is still there. The transitional item and the list thing are good ideas cause I really struggle with holding onto a memory or connection with her.
Do you find that you go through a cycle thing of intensely missing your T and then like really disliking them whilst they are away? I sort of feel like the longer my T is away then the less connection I will have with her and I'm afraid that when I see her again I won't feel connected to her anymore and she won't feel connected to me and she will just get rid of me or refer me to someone else

[rainbow8]

I can certainly relate to this topic! When I had been seeing my T for a while, she went out of the country and I kept telling her I didn't want her to go, or that I wanted to go with her! It was awful when she was away that time.

I've been seeing her for about 5 years and I know she's not going to abandon me on purpose, but she could still leave, or she could die. When she got divorced, I was sure she was going to meet someone and move away, or she was going to move back to her original state. She reassured me that her job was here and she wasn't going anywhere. I trust her, but you never know. Anything may happen.

She's away now on vacation until Sunday. I can't believe the time is almost up. I still worry that the plane may crash, but I worry about that with anyone who drives or flies, including myself. She used to tell me "I'll be back" when she went away, and I know she means it, but I told her "no one ever knows." It's very hard not to worry about a T leaving.

I was afraid I'd have to leave her when my insurance wouldn't cover her fee anymore. Then she gave me a reduced rate. She truly doesn't want to abandon me by choice, but it can happen. So I understand and empathize, Teddy.

[brillskep]

Sometimes I worry that I will no longer have enough money to pay my therapist and he will leave because of that when I need him the most or that he will leave to a foreign country and settle there after he passes his international exams, like another therapist we know has done. But I have never begged him to stay and I hope I never will. Years ago, before I started my therapy, I had a tendency to beg very important people in my life not to leave or to stay with me. That's one thing that I promised myself not to do with my therapist or with anyone else. I have told my therapist that I still want us to work together but if I had to beg, I'd think that we both have better things to do ...

[Elisabetta346]

I have a fear of abandonment- but I personally will never beg or ask someone not to go on vacation or to stay with me etc. I don't worry about stuff I can't control or what might happen. I figured if they want to stay in my life they will, regardless of stupid boundaries (I mean within reason) etc. if not then I have to let go and remember I AM WORTHY for someone to stay in my life. In a case with a therapist, I try not to get attach as I don't view them as important relationships in my life. It's purely a business or professional relationship that will end. If i do get attached, I detached and I invest time in real relationships. I also figure if the therapist really cares they be in my life, one way or another after termination. One did do this on her own accord before I was even attached to her. She is no longer my counselor , she is my mentor, I know a lot about her and that she love and cares about me as I do about her. If she ever (even tho she said she won't ) leaves, I'll be very hurt and sad but I also have amazing people in my life so I know I'll be okay. Btw I invested a lot of time, learning assertiveness skills etc prior to that I had no one !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Virginia1991]

I text her often and ask "if she is still there". I tell her that I think she will abandon or reject me. I ask for lots of reassurance and she tells me that that is ok. Sometimes I get angry at her and shut down. I tell myself she hates me and I tell her that she hates me. I don't know why I do that but I do. I guess I was probably let down a lot as a child and it is so hard to trust in her words. Fear of abandonment is no joke.

[Zippo]

How do I look cool and unattached while clinging to his pant leg? He left anyway.

[NowhereUSA]

I have a strange reaction. I went through a period for the first time this summer where I was worried about it and I've had moments, but recently I've gone back to my detached self. I think if he told me he were leaving, I would be sad and I would wish him luck in his new endeavor.

In fact, I find myself wanting to encourage him to leave. O.o It's very weird.

[LindaLu]

I dont have fears of literal abandonment with T despite some periodic challenges in Therapy. She is very disciplined and loyal and makes time for me when things get bad. I do need reassurances that 1) she doesnt reject me as a person 2) she think Im worth saving. The day I expressed those fears in session I was begging/sobbing. Ugh.

If she ever implies that she's moving away or leaving this line of work then I'll get abandonment fears! It's not a decision she'd make lightly because she seems very serious about her work. But wait. Come to think of it she just mentioned having a second home in another state. Uh oh...!