[guilloche]

My therapist didn't really take vacation time over the holidays. (He sort of did, he only worked Mon and Tuesday of last week and this week, but I was able to get in both weeks, so this isn't me reacting to a long absence... )

I just don't know that I'm getting anything from this. I tried. He seems like a fine person. It's just... I don't really see much of a point to me being in therapy.

Here's what I've learned:
- I need to do more fun things. OK, got it.
- I need to have more friends. OK, working on it.
- I got screwed in the "parents" department, they sucked, and the amount of neglect that I experienced isn't "normal". My whole family is pretty much nuts. -- I found this validating. But, now that I've got that, I don't know that there's much else to say on the topic.
- Apparently to "heal" my life, I need to go in and have emotions with my therapist. I think I have plenty of emotions all on my own I'm an emotional basket-case. I can't really imagine getting to that place with my therapist, so I don't see much hope of accomplishing this.

Thus, I don't know what else I need to do for therapy. I think at this point, I'm just wasting time and money. (But I also feel a tiny bit hopeless, hate my job/life/family and don't see anything really getting much better, not sure what better looks like, not sure how to get there, and think "retirement" looks easier to achieve than "happy life" - and "retirement" - in like 25 years or so!!! - should fix some of the unhappy job stuff!!!)

I don't know. I guess I don't expect that there's anything that anyone CAN say about this, so I'm not sure why I'm posting, other than... I've got T tomorrow and am really not wanting to go.

I don't want to go, but I think quitting will be awkward and difficult! I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I kind of wanted to quit after every other session, and he said he knew (! surprised me !) - but asked that I just please come in for one session to let him know if I ever do decide to quit *sigh*.

Maybe I really just need to up and *move* (to a new state) - that gives me an easy reason to quit!

[CANDC]

I tried moving to other states. The basic difficulty with that strategy was that wherever I went, my old self eventually hobbled in from the old city and started behaving in the same way. finally I faced up to my problems right where I was and I started to heal.

Why not ask the T what is going wrong in therapy? Or tell the T what you feel about therapy and ask how it could go different?

[Ruftin]

guilloche, Maybe you just need to take a break. Is it possible for you to change therapists?

Yes, a break might be a good idea.

[guilloche]

Thanks...

CANDC - You're right about the moving, I know... it just seems like an easier way to quit therapy than trying to explain to my T that I just don't think there's any real benefit for me to be in therapy anymore! "I'm moving!" seems so much *easier*!

And, thanks for the advice to talk to him. I can maybe try. It just feels very disorganized in my head, and I guess I'm a little afraid that if I say something about quitting, and he says, "well, maybe you should quit!" - that I'd feel abandoned/devastated!

Ruftin - thanks. Maybe I need a break... but I only just started in June, after a long (~7 years) break from therapy. And, I was only seeing him every other week for the first 3 or 4 months.

I guess I just don't get what I'm supposed to get from therapy, I feel like I'm failing therapy and throwing away a lot of money in the process. I'm back to thinking that I'm "un-therapetizable"

Edit to add: LicketySplit - thanks. Your response snuck in while I was typing. Maybe, but I just took a 7-year "break" from therapy. So I don't know if that's the best thing for me... I just sort of hate therapy in general, I thought this time around was going to be better, but I really don't enjoy it at all or feel like I'm getting anything out of it.

[Petra5ed]

Guilloche - thanks for reminding me, I'm supposed to go in there and grieve and talk emotionally about not having the family I wanted, about my crazy mother and my absent drunk father. I, like you, kinda want to quit. I think I'm angry now, that I have this strong attachment to another person who is fake and absent. I don't want to be vulnerable with him. I don't want to rehash the past, and cry, and breakdown in front of him, and "give him that" satisfaction of being so loved by me and not reciprocating. I want to push it all back under the rug where I've been keeping it, where it fits so nicely , and have a real relationship now where I can call him on a holiday and be normal, and just chat like friends for a few minutes. Sometimes I really cant figure out why that is such a huge ask for me. It makes me want to blow my brains out.

I guess I was thinking that taking a break was a softer way to quit if that's what feels right to you, because you wouldn't have to face your therapist about it and/or find out if he would say Good idea. See ya! (thought I doubt it). You sound really depressed though, so finding another therapist might be worthwhile. The right match makes all the difference. I hope you can find your way to some peace with this and stop beating yourself up. You are not a failure at therapy.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I just don't know that I'm getting anything from this. I tried. He seems like a fine person. It's just... I don't really see much of a point to me being in therapy.

I think it's very normal to feel like this at points along the therapeutic "journey" and I would really encourage you to start talking to your T about this in just the way you put it here, "I'm not clear about what I am getting from therapy and I don't know what the point of therapy is right now."

It may be that you come to realize that it's time to stop therapy, or take a break, and my guess is that if that is what you want your T will support you in this (not abandon you or want you to quit, those are very different).

But it also might be that these feelings are coming from somewhere else that point you towards where you need to go, and I think T's are particularly skilled at having these kinds of conversations.

It might be scary to raise this, but in my experience of having this conversation around half a dozen times with different therapists, it has felt to me that I learned so much about myself from talking about these issues. In a way, raising these questions is an example of asking for help from a T, help in figuring out where you're going in therapy. That's a difficult issue for me to deal with-- I like to be all independent-y-- but I've learned that reaching out for help from my T ends well.

Good luck.

[stopdog]

I think taking breaks is a useful thing for me. I have never found discussing it with a therapist to be useful for me, although certainly I am not denying that someone might find it beneficial. I find going off and giving myself time to regroup works best for me. For me, input from a therapist would be pointless.

Usually when I want to just say "I quit" it's the last thing I need to do. I've talked with t about it each time and have taken breaks, which have been helpful for re-grouping and just to live what I've learned kind of thing. I've come back from breaks ready to get to work again and it's been beneficial.

[Ruftin]

Guilloche, I don't mean to be rude but maybe you just have a crappy therapist, or have had a few. Or is it possible you just don't find him interesting enough to talk to. There does need to be a certain amount of chemistry in order to open up to someone else. Do you like your therapists personality?

[guilloche]

Thanks, everyone. I went in today... and did the best I could. I didn't tell him outright that I want a break or to quit, but I did tell him that I felt very far away, disconnected, floaty... all that stuff, and that I didn't bring anything with me to talk about (usually I have a whole list).

We talked a little about a dream that I had about therapy (in my dream, I was in a hospital having therapy with him, and his wife died - so he left and quit being a therapist. But I was having a dissociative episode, so I "woke up" to a nurse, asked where my T was, and found out from her ) so yeah, that was an interesting conversation...

And he did a great job of finding things that I could talk about. So, that's one reason why I've stuck with him... in the past, *all* of my previous Ts would push me into a very spacey place where I couldn't really talk about anything, and not be able to help pull me back. This one is the first that is able to, in a very natural way, just find bits of conversation that feel like he's throwing me a lifeline, and can get me out of "non-verbal" land. So, I'm grateful.

Still feeling a bit disconnected and not sure what I'm doing there, but I didn't quit (not today, anyway).

Thanks...

Petra5ed - hope it goes well with your T. That sounds hard. I know my T thinks I need to get to that point too, of being able to express emotions while I'm there and come to terms with my family stuff, but it seems really hard

LicketySplit - OH! Sorry I misunderstood, you're right, that's a great plan - thanks! (My comprehension goes way down when I'm spacey like that!) And you're right, my T would probably not say, "Oh thank goodness, I'm so glad you're quitting! Phew - heck, if you leave now this session's on me" - but it's hard for me to hold onto that idea of him when I'm not there *sigh*. Thanks!

Anne2.0 - thanks! That helps to hear that you've had that conversation with multiple therapists... I appreciate it.

Stopdog - thanks, as always, for your practicality

Artemis-Within - yeah, that's what I was afraid of. It's *so* hard to *know* (you know?) if it's just me running away (yeah for "disorganized attachment!") or if it's really, truly a good idea to get away for awhile to think about what's going on. Thanks.

Ruftin - thanks for raising this point, and I don't think it's rude at all. I do think about this a lot. I just don't know. I've been through a LOT of other therapists (last time I tried to figure it out, it was like 8 or so that I'd seen multiple times) and it really has *never* worked for me. I feel very un-therapetizable. I sort of hate therapy, honestly!!! But, this guy is the *first* that has really been helpful at keeping me talking (enough so that I've told him that I'm amazed by it, because other therapists just sort of left me sitting there in silence and misery, feeling worse and worse, with no way back!). I've also already told him a lot of stuff that I hadn't told any of the others (albeit, in writing). So, I think there's *something* there for me, but I'm not sure what. I don't know... I guess I keep coming back to not feeling certain that he can actually help, even though he's been better to actually interact with than any of the others so far. It's frustrating!

Thanks everyone...

If you feel strong and okay - maybe you don't need therapy anymore. But if you are still feeling shaky then don't quit, just take a break.

[Ruftin]

Hello guilloche. Glad to hear you had a good session and that you like your therapist. 8888an8888 makes a good point. Maybe you just don't need therapy at this time.

[guilloche]

Thanks 8888an8888 and Ruftin.

I'm feeling a little better today. I think it's confusing, because I do ok without therapy (I get along with people, I hold down a job, etc.) But, not great - it's definitely not the life I want (not dating at all, not very many friends or much socializing, lots of stress and random bouts of depression). Plus my family is nuts.

So, I think I could survive without therapy, but I really want to get all my childhood crap fixed as much as that's possible. And honestly, we haven't even really started on that, because I'm still working on feeling safe with T (apparently).

So, I'm not taking a break. I think you guys were right, it was partially a depressed thing (stayed in bed for a couple days), and partly just not feeling any kind of connection (and not being able to keep a clear picture of my T in my head). It's not fun, but I really appreciate being able to come and talk it out here, because there's nobody in "real life" that gets it. And this helps.

(I think some of it is the "disorganized attachment" stuff as well. I probably need to talk to him about that, at some point. I think it's why I want to run away after like... every 2 or 3rd session! )

*Thanks!*

[ThingWithFeathers]

Glad you're sorting some of your worries about t out. Sound like you've had a good, long, deep think about what is right for you.

[Ruftin]

guilloche, Looks like you talked yourself out of quitting I admire you for sticking with it. Good for you!!!!

[LindaLu]

The thing that stands out in your original post is that you don't feel you can ever share/process emotions with this T. If that's not in the cards consider a break while you conduct session interviews with other Ts. You will not have terminated with T1 and will avoid feelings of abandonment until making a final decision.

[guilloche]

Thanks...

ThingWithFeathers - Thanks. It's a constant back and forth for me. I do think about it, but I'm not... umm... good with therapy, or attachment. I mentioned to T very early on that all this "negotiating the relationship" stuff might just be part of what I have to do to get to a place where I can do T, and he agreed, but tied it more to figuring out how to feel safe in therapy. Which makes me want to say "ick", so there's that.... It's hard. I feel like I'm doing more though than I have with any other therapist (this guy knows a TON more of my stuff, and is doing a good job of adapting to me).

Ruftin - thanks. I think his cancellation policy helps (he requires *3* business days to cancel... so that's a long time in advance!) Anyway, I'm just grateful that he's able to find a way to keep the conversation going even when I'm not really in a talkative place... other Ts have not been able to do that with me. And he didn't yell at me for doodling while we talked, so that was kind of nice

LindaLu, thanks, I appreciate the thought. I just think it's... all therapists, not him, you know? I've tried a bunch in the past... he's T #8 or so (not counting ones that I only saw once or twice). I am just really really bad at therapy. I think it's part of the problem, and linked to my family. But he's "getting it" better than any of the others, which honestly, feels a little like a miracle. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever get to where I need to be (as far as being emotionally open and processing stuff), but I think that's true with any T, and so far, it's better than it has been previously. I don't know that I want to give up on it yet, given the bad therapy experiences I've had with everyone else!

Thanks for listening, I really just needed to voice all that stuff when I was feeling it. I'm doing a little better now, and not so far away feeling. Still not really sure how therapy is going to work, but I'm still trying!