[Becca07]

I saw my therapist last Friday, and only today did some stuff surface, and it's some major things I hadn't realized before. And now I'm freaking out, and of course this week is the one my therapist is on vacation, and I'm not scheduled to see her for another 11 days. She offered last Friday to fit me in earlier in the week, but I had said no. I just called and left a message saying that some stuff came up and that I would like to see her earlier if she had the spot. But even that is a while.

I don't know what to do. I'm seriously freaking out here, I'm so agitated. If there was ever a time for some ativan, but I don't have any. Any advice on how to last?

Becca

Yeah. My advice is:

Be gentle with yourself.

Are there soothing activities that you like to do? A nice hot bubble bath with candles or giving yourself a manicure or getting a book that you can enjoy? Now is the time to take extra special care of yourself.

Are there distracting activities that would help? Going for a walk or a run or doing some yoga or playing tennis or throwing around a football?

Are there activities that help you feel competent and in control? Some people find that they can distract themself fairly well with work or helping others or something like that.

If you need to get it out... Journalling can help too. I guess it will take a bit to figure when it is best to self soothe and when it is best to distract.

Things do have a way of coming up both in therapy and between therapy sessions. It really is important to work on identifying what sorts of things help you cope when things are hard because there could indeed be some hard times ahead... Maybe... That would be something worth talking about with your therapist too?

Ugh, same thing with me last week when my T was away. I even used the same exact word to describe how I was feeling-- agitated.

I journaled like I had never journaled before. Wrote, and wrote some more. I did some serious self-analysis while he was away, and it helped me get really excited for the next session, rather than just agitated for the time being-- because I had discovered so much I wanted to tell him.

And most of all-- keep posting here!

[Becca07]

The timing is just so horrible. I've only been seeing her for 5 weeks, and I'm so not ready to go into stuff this serious so early. But I don't really have a choice now, because I can't push it back down and it hurts so much. I hate this.

I don't really have anything nice to do for myself. Physical activities to rid the excess energy are out because I'm recovering from foot surgery.

If I'm a little calmer tomorrow I'm going to try to write down the reasons I'm angry right now, so I can better discuss things when I do see my t again.

Becca

[Becca07]

Pinksoil, I'm trying. It's amazing how everything happens when t is away.

This all started when I was trying to figure out why I couldn't fall asleep last night. That's when I realized I was very angry with my mother, but I'd been channeling it into my depression. And now everything is coming out and I'm so upset and I'm LIVING with her while I'm recovering from my surgeries. And I can't talk to her because I don't feel safe doing so and I'm so upset. I'm literally shaking I'm so agitated. Don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight.

Becca

Becca, that's excellent. I mean, it's not excellent that you are feeling horrible, but it's excellent that so far, in your time while T is away, you have already made some important insights. Keep thinking, keep writing, and get ready to share these things with your T when she returns.

i agree with the writing. sometimes i just have to write and write and write. interestingly the more i write the more i find to write. i just write anything that comes to mind and see where it goes.

i hope you feel better soon and get in to see her soon too. you may want to think/explore a little about how her being gone might be affecting you too....

xoxo

[bipolar_bear]

I journal too. I don't try and force it but whatever comes out is fine. Maybe once you get started you will find that it helps and brings some things to light. I hope you are feeling better today.

Brecca, Yes I agree with what others here have said, journalling is a good way to get through these things! I know it seems so now but eventually things get easier to "contain".

ANd yes keep posting here too!

[Becca07]

After a long phone conversation with a dear friend, I realized that I was being unconsciously triggered by the way I just rearranged the furniture in my bedroom, and then on top of that got nailed with the insight about being angry with my mother PLUS got bad news about my feet and the upcoming surgery in July.

I'm still freaking out some, but figuring all that out helped some. And after I finally got to sleep last night I slept for 10 hours, which is good.

I know I should be journaling this out, to express things, but I feel very resistant to taking pen to paper or even typing it out in a formal way. Most of my thoughts are scattered across emails to said dear friend and some here.

Becca

[purplemoon]

Becca07. Journaling is so hard. I do find though it does help. I have a very difficult time with journaling also. I have found though that I can write an email to someone about some of the stuff and that really isn't very different than journaling. You are getting the stuff out there. I think that is the most important thing. Instead of pushing it away, you are putting out there. I am glad you were able to sleep. Hope you are feeling better.

[Becca07]

I'm so far not jumping out of my skin, but other than that the day is not going very well. I feel so uneasy and sad and upset and there's probably anger going on there too.

I figured out last night that the reason I direct everything inward is because my mother directs everything outward and I hate that. So I'm doing the opposite. Doesn't stop me from doing it though. I keep pushing everything in, and I think it's pushing to come out.

Becca

[Becca07]

Ok, well, I just heard from my T. She got me in on Monday, which is a lot better than waiting till the Friday after. Crying over the phone is always my favorite. I'm such a mess. I hate being so weak and pathetic. I can't even let her have her vacation.

Becca

Becca, glad you felt better after talking with your friend.
I'm sorry you are not feeling good today.
You have bad news regarding your feet and upcoming surgery? Care to share with us?

I sometimes use my email draft area to write. i write and then save the draft. i could be organized about it and actually journal that way but that might be nice and tidy and that would never do. lol

((( Becca ))) it's okay to need your T.

[Becca07]

The deal with my feet is that I'm supposed to have another surgery in July. A big one. My understanding was that my surgeon needed to move one bone graft to fix my arch. Which sucks some, cause it's another 3 months in a cast, but I was dealing. Then yesterday I found out that my dad was asking my surgeon about it after my surgery 3 weeks ago, and he said that he may need to move my heel again. That would involve taking the screws out of my heel, breaking it into 3 pieces again, moving them, and screwing it all back together again. And I'm just so effing tired of my heels hurting, and I just don't want to be in that kind of pain again, and I just wasn't expecting it.

And it's kind of stupid that I've dealt with 5 surgeries so far and was ok with the 6th one but now this thing with my heel is throwing me. And I can't deal with it when I'm also having a nervous breakdown about my mother!

Becca