Screwed up in fine style.

I think I need to terminate via email instead of in person.

What should I say? Should I keep it minimal? Or say why I am doing so in a factual way (bullet points, keeping emotion out) so that at least on some level, I am saying what I wanted to say today?

I would call and cancel the next appointment and just say I will contact her if I decide I want another appointment and never call. I would also instruct the therapist not to call me.

This. I do think you have to make it clear that she is not to contact you again because i wouldn't trust her not to. I don't think I'd personally bother to send a detailed breakdown of why you are making that decision. Either she already knows, or (more likely) it will fall on deaf ears due to her own denial of any responsibility.

Just cancel, request no more contact, and let that be the end.

Just walk away IG. Keep it minimal - something like SD suggested would be good.

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Well, I would rather email because I want to put in writing my Date Protection Act request for my notes, so was just going to copy in PA and clinic manager to kill three birds with one stone - whoever's responsible for fishing out my notes can get on it.

Also if I call she WILL call or text me back, most likely and I don't want to speak with her. This is because when I leave a voicemail she says oh I can't hear what you said.

Actually, I know if I try to do Stopdog's thing, cancel and keep it vague - she will get snippy and angry and say 'right, that's it!' and terminate me again, and silly as it may sound I want to do the terminating this time.

Then email and cancel and direct her not to contact you again.
I would not want to keep engaging with the woman and so would do my best to stop.

If she does reply and get snippy be sure to save the email/voicemail.

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Doesn't sound silly. You want to empower youself. That's good.

Actually my suggestion was less about keeping it vague and more about keeping it short and direct Whether written or calling it only need be 3-4 sentences:
"Hello this is X. I am canceling the next appointment and quitting your services. (if desired- Send my records to Y.) Do not contact me again."
That is it - no need to explain or say anything else.

Okay, this is my email draft:

T,

I am cancelling my sessions. It is unethical and unprofessional to terminate a client via text message, and then renege in five minutes. Unfortunately, you were not prepared to discuss this matter at the appointment yesterday.

This is only the last in a string of dubious antics on your part. You should not have been offering me jobs, or regaling me with inappropriately intimate details about your mental health/ boyfriends/ family dysfunction etc.

You are clearly in a muddle with boundaries, and then attempt to shame and punish me as you have no idea how to handle the relationship.

None of this is therapeutic and I will not tolerate this.

Do not contact me again.

PA -

Please supply the information about me I am entitled to under the Data Protection Act 1998, relating to my personal file, record or notes.

If you need any more information from me, or a fee, do let me know as soon as possible.

It may be helpful for you to know that a request for information under the Data Protection Act 1998 should be responded to within 40 days.

I have copied in the X Clinic in case they normally deal with these requests rather than you - let me know if I need to make my request to a different person.

Many thanks,

IG

Why do you want to go into that much detail? Do you want her to contact you again?

I wish I could do what you could do.

I absolutely need to say a few stark things that can't be unsaid. If I wrote what you give as an example - the next time I doubt myself I will think, hmm maybe I should email and ask for an appointment.

Nope. I need to do some serious bridge burning, if I am serious about wanting to quit.

That's a lot of detail. Usually if I include that much detail I want to elicit a certain response. I'm all for having your say but for your health why not follow stopdog's suggestion?

Like I say - because then I will have in my head I can smooth it over and go back if I want to

This way, I guarantee I won't have that option.

I think that is why.

You have double messages in here:

"Do not contact me again."

AND

"If you need any more information from me, or a fee, do let me know as soon as possible."

Honestly. I know you think you need to say all of the above to her, but it is going to fall on deaf ears AND I wouldn't trust her for a minute to not reply in order to justify herself to you, particularly since you have been ambiguous about contact in this email draft.

Write it out and burn it or something, but telling her these things isn't going to change her. It isn't going to really do anything for you; that is fodder for future therapy with a much more professional therapist. And you are continuing to engage in a conversation with her this way.

I'm champion at fantasizing I'll repair relationships that can't be repaired. I've carried hope far past its expiration date. There are times when a relationship is destructive, when someone is so self-protected that they're rigidly defensive, getting them to understand my viewpoint is all but impossible. Getting what I want from them is impossible. In those instances, it's best to stop engaging and simply walk away.

Question number one; has she helped you in the areas you are working on? Ie the way you interact with others?

#2; are you emotionally reacting to hearing things you are not ready to face up to about your own actions?

#3; will this behavior be repeated with a new T?

What would happen if you wrote don't your feelings and did not go in to therapy with the intention of confronting but with an open mind to solving this issue and setting clear understandable boundaries? Ie how many times you may call or email between sessions.

Sorry, it's not clear what I've said - where I have 'PA' here I have the PA's name. The second part of the email is for her.

I really want to say these things, or at least some of them. I want to go out with a bang. She won't reply because she is too cowardly, and there is no going back if I send this. None.

It's like flicking a lit match as I close the door. There is no danger of wringing my hands and wanting to go back, and her going maybe and then me jumping through umpteen hoops to get back in that ****ing room...Even if I cave and beg to go back, she will never, ever let me, will not entertain the idea, if I send this to her. It guarantees me getting away.

IG - I recommend finding another therapist ASAP so that you have someone to turn to if your feelings become unmanageable. You need to cut this off immediately if you believe the relationship is toxic and harmful. And email saying: "Today was my last appointment. I will not be coming back. Please do not try to contact me." will do the job.

I echo what the others have mentioned - it's not your fault. Your therapist may still love you, or have loved you in the past, but so can many other people who won't treat you badly. She obviously didn't lay down boundaries she could work with on an ongoing basis. Her loose boundaries might have worked 90% of the time, but if she has a bad day, gets sick (as you mentioned), or takes up a boyfriend she probably wants space and that doesn't jive with the expectations she laid out for you.

Also, I think keeping realistic therapy expectations is important. Unconditional love and positive regard doesn't exist. I have a lot of respect for people on this board, and the honestly and bravery they have confessing intense feelings for their Ts. However, not all Ts know how to deal with the feelings, and many get overwhelmed and smothered. The more some express needs (sometimes in strangling ways), the more some of the Ts want to distance themselves. That kind of intensity is a lot of pressure for anyone, even trained professionals.

In general and with the exception of extenuating crises, Ts don't want to get constant walls of emails that are impossible to respond to, texts when they are out with their families, calls in the night, and so on. They don't want to feel guilty for having their own personal time, getting sick, or just existing without having to be responsible for others 24/7. I know a lot of it comes with the territory, but we can't forget that they are people too.

Again IG, I don't mean to imply that all that has to do with you, but it's a theme that comes up on this board. Out of session contact has been really problematic for me - and I think many people (including myself) have had to learn the hard way that we need to be respectful of Ts time and feelings outside of session to keep a good therapeutic relationship. Your T didn't handle what she felt was a boundary violation properly, and that's all on her. But her attacking you seemed to imply that she was frustrated and overwhelmed which your text probably contributed to. I can see how she might think... "Geez, I can't even take a sick day without taking care of someone else's needs first!"

Hopefully this didn't come out harshly. She set the rules, and couldn't live up to the image she built for herself which wasn't realistic to begin with.

I wouldn't put the information for the PA in the same email. (1) The implies your T can forward this email to your PA in its entirety. Is that what you intend? (2) The information may not get to the PA at all.

In the least, send those messages directly to the person they are for. Instead, word it something like "I have emailed your PA my request for my records. Any further correspondence concerning my records will be conducted through her.

But honestly, you are still engaging in a conversation with your T, even if you say she won't respond. Don't engage in the "I'm going to have the last word" thing. If you need to work through this, do it with a competent therapist; file a grievance down the road if you must (I'd wait until I had my records first). But this email just comes off as one more attempt to have the last word. Disengage entirely. It isn't going to prove anything; it isn't going to fix anything.

I agree with you. I don't expect her to see my point of view or to change, but I don't want to be silenced either. I want to state my issues, even if it is on the way out and just on paper rather than verbal in the same room.

Oh god. I don't know! This is all stuff I was wondering at the start of this thread. But my gut says it is not resolvable anyway.

Just before I left, I said I was sorry for making her feel I was spurning her care (this was what made her terminate me, thinking I was thinking she was ****) because that genuinely was not what I meant by my message at all, though she did not want me to explain that so it went unsaid. So not being allowed to explain, I apologized. She said nothing, I asked could she forgive me, were we okay. We are not okay but she does forgive me because she knows me and knows I didn't mean to hurt her and she cares about me...and I just feel so confused.

I think you're going to do what you're going to do; however, if you could at least entertain the idea of not doing anything rash (like sending that detailed email to prevent yourself from going back), you might find strength in a blunt email with no details and be firm within yourself that you will not go back. This can be a true turning point for you, to abandon old ways of ending things by not burning a bridge.

I say this because I very much wanted to tell my previous therapist what I thought of her, but I realized that I would be giving her the gift of knowing what's on my mind. I wanted her to have the discomfort of wondering. It was a way to maintain my personal power and not let it leak away by trying to prove something to her.

It's just something to think about.

No I am copying in the PA and the clinic manager myself.

I know it isn't going to fix anything, that's kind of my point. I want to ensure there is no return.

I also need to say these things she would not allow me to say in person. Or maybe my own lack of a backbone in session didn't allow me to say them. Either way, they need saying.

Yes, my suspicion is that email would do nothing but "prove" to her (in her mind and way of thinking) that she's been right about you and this is just one more example of what she would deem as "abusive". (I'm not saying it is; I'm saying SHE will see it that way.)

Plus, if you do follow through with filing a grievance, this could work against your favor. Save it for the grievance papers. Save it for discussion with a competent therapist.