LCM showing up randomly at work

That is good if it is an improvement

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A therapist might think they can help someone, but they don't know for sure they can. Therapy is too subjective (with lots of variables) for the outcome to be that predictable.

Its okay to be upset with your t/rabbi/whatever. Its okay if things dont always go smoothly when you are healing. That is part of the process of healing. Its like learning how to fight, how to argue. There is a good way to argue and a bad way. Thats what i was getting at earlier, about the circular arguments, with divine1996. In a good fight, you both know that you both care how the other person feels. In a bad fight, at least one person just wants the other person to leave them alone, you dont care how they feel. For example, my mother just wanted to win an argument, even if it meant switching sides if you started to agree with her! Part of therapy is learning how to fight well within the relationship.

No I'm dead serious

LCM wants me to learn that you can be mad at someone and still love them. She tries to avoid saying that word as much as possible but that's one of the things she is trying to teach.

[QUOTE=growlithing;4252511]No I'm dead serious[/
I don't think most 21 year old girls solicit men for sex online

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My phone posts same thing twice don't know how to fix

[QUOTE=divine1966;4252541]
I have never had sex. Consensually that is. I solicit for it because I want it and get scared when anyone is interested and run away. I imagine I won't be scared someday but for now I'm just an annoying tease.

I know a lot of people my age and I could be a lot drunker and in more danger.

I am a lot older than OP, but at my university - everyone was pretty wasted. Why call the 21 year old adult a girl instead of a woman who is making choices. And there was, as I recall, a lot of sex. I came out as lesbian, so men were not my thing, but we did have fun.

I have been watching all this unfold. Actually Growli, You are handling this much better that in the past when LC has hurt or let you down. You have gone from hurt crushed drinking to rational thinking and explaining how your LC and you relate in less than 24 hours.. Your not spending days freaking out and self harming. This is improvement for you.

[QUOTE=growlithing;4252566]
Sorry I hope you heal one day and everyone here wishes you get professional help and heal then you can start dating and have intimacy. It is going to happen

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Most if not absolutely everyone I know is not forthcoming with adults about their drinking and sex so sorry to shock you divine but I highly doubt all the 20 year olds you know aren't getting drunk and sleeping with people too.

Thank you. LCM wants me to sit with my feelings. I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to do so, plus I've been distracting myself and telling myself to calm down.

Everyone brings out the devil's advocate in me



Although there is plenty of drinking and sex going on in college, I've read that the reporting can be exaggerated in some cases (Looking for that link now)

Everyone thinks that everyone else is having sex and binge drinking. Perception does not always equal reality.

I have no moral qualms about any of this. It's just something I had come across and ugh can't find now.

Nothing shocks me.

Of course people have sex. I know lots of young people. My nephew and his GF are young ( she is 21) they don't need to report to me, I know they have sex. Lol my daughter lived with someone all through college from 19 to 23. Sure they had sex lol most of their friends had sex too.

As about drinking sure young people party, that's normal. A big difference from self medicating with alcohol while alone and upset. That could lead to addiction

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That is great

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Well I'm not. I just get drunk and try to until someone asks me where to meet up and I get terrified and run away. It's not really good behavior because I imagine if I keep doing that, I will just someday do something and it's pretty unkind to the guys I lead on. But I'm not attractive enough for any of them to want to actually have a conversation with me so a relationship is off the table.

LCM probably would be worried if I told her about this. Which is why I'm not going to tell her right before she leaves for two weeks.

Just please be safe. It is potentially dangerous if you don't know who they are. Trust me there are men out there who you would connect to and eventually have a relationship when you heal. You will, give it time.

Yes she will be worried. I worry and I don't even know you. Please don't endanger yourself

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Sorry growli I don't know why I said "girl" rather than a woman. Did not mean anything by it. Was not thinking

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I don't really care. Call me whatever you want. Call me an octopus if that makes sense to you. Words mean different things to different people

I was called on it so I thought it made a difference. I'd love to be called a girl, lol I will be 49 in few days. I still recall when I was called first time "mam" instead of miss in a store (I look youngish) I was seriously like what the.....???? Lol

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I was called Ma'am at 25. Ugh too soon

What the heck lol

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Yes, college students are drinking and having sex. The difference I see, though, is that they are (usually) going out with friends and drinking is part of what they do to socialize, bond, connect, and meet new people. They're out to have fun with friends. They're also having sex, but they are (usually) having sex with other college students on campus, people they know, people they've had a crush on, or people they've met through friends. They also tend to go out in packs and sort of watch out for one another. At least when I was in college (8 years ago), we would not leave one member of the group alone with a stranger-- there would always be at least 2 or 3 of us together-- and if one girl was too drunk, we would make sure she got home safely. We would NEVER just leave her ********* with a random guy she just met. We always traveled in groups, both because it was about socializing and because we had safety in mind. College students are (usually) not sitting home alone several nights a week, drinking because they are depressed and have untreated mental illnesses or trying to lose their virginity to strangers on the internet who (by virtue of being strangers behind a computer) are unsafe. I have no problem with drinking in moderation or having safe sex. But I'm concerned that what you are doing comes not from a place of 20-something experimentation and socialization, but instead from a place of unhealthy self-medicating. If you had already had relationships and were now interested in having a fling (assuming you did some vetting to make sure he was not a serial killer and used protection to prevent STDs)-- I'd say go for it! Have fun! But the idea of losing your virginity to a stranger online because, as you said in this thread, "you can't seem to find anyone to have sex with you"-- that does not sound like you are an empowered woman who is making sexually liberated choices. I'm all about sex positivity. But, in your threads (and I have been reading your threads since you joined PC), you seem to be struggling with self-esteem. I can tell you that sleeping with strangers is NOT a way to improve your self-esteem or feel "sexy" or feel better about your body or feel loved. Usually, it only exacerbates the problem.

If LC is the only person you are willing to talk to, you should at least be honest with her about the way you break down and act out after your interactions with her. If she doesn't know that you are looking online for anonymous men, or you are drinking as often as you are, or that you break down in tears every time you're reminded that she is not your mom--- she really needs to know that information. It might help inform her of how you are REALLY doing. She certainly can't help you if she doesn't have all the information.

Of course, I still feel strongly that you should see a qualified T IN ADDITION TO (not instead of) LC. If you do the work, you really can heal from the kind of attachment problems you have. I know because I did. When I was in high school and college, I felt similarly about my teachers. I never had a mom and wanted one more than anything else in the world. I used to have the kind of relationships with my teachers that you have with LC. I thought it was helping me-- that they were helping me. But the love they gave me was never "enough" and it never filled that "void" I had inside from not having had a mom. I thought what I needed was for them to give me just enough love to fill it up. It wasn't until I went to therapy, when I was 25, that I started to actually do the work-- which I needed to do myself-- to process my traumatic childhood and start to heal from the inside out. I realized that I can be pissed about all of the things I missed out on that other kids had--- but holding onto that anger or trying to get those needs met by other people wasn't actually helping me. I needed to cry, I needed to feel angry-- and then I needed to let it go, roll my sleeves up, and work on myself. I needed to build up my self-esteem and carry myself like I had value. And, over time, that "void" has been largely filled up-- by me-- not someone else. I'm definitely attached to my T-- I love her. I wish I would have had someone like her as a mom. But, through doing the work of therapy (and having appropriate boundaries), my relationship with my T has been strikingly different from the ones I used to have with my teachers. I don't feel that sense of "neediness" that I did with them. I don't stress out, get anxiety, or live in a fantasy world-- like I did when I was a teenager. Instead, I feel totally secure with the relationship I have with my T. I look forward to my sessions, I always give her a hug, and we have said "I love you." But I don't pretend like she is my mom, I don't live for my sessions, and I don't have any problem seeing her in public or running into her daughter at her office (which happened once). Honestly, I think the way she is with her daughter is quite sweet. Of course, I wish I'd had that for myself. But, as an adult, I can recognize that I didn't-- and not let it eat me up inside. Instead, I re-frame it as "Someday, I can be the kind of mom I didn't get." I don't know if you want kids in the future (maybe you don't) but, for me, it's helpful to think this way. It also helps me to think "The fact that T can be so loving towards her kid helps her be more loving towards me, too." She knows exactly what I didn't get and can empathize with me as I work through my trauma. Learning how to have a secure attachment-- as opposed to an anxious one-- is by far the most important thing I have learned in therapy. And it took 4 years. It was not easy or fast. But it is something that can be learned-- if we want to do the work. My T also never asked me to give up the relationship I had (and still have) with one of my college professors. I rarely see or talk to her now--- as it's been 8 years since she was my professor. But I did visit her in September and still count her as an important person in my life. But, though doing therapy with my T (and not through my relationship WITH the professor), I learned how to have a healthy relationship with her. I no longer feel the strong emotions I once did, and can now relate to her as a healthy adult and enjoy my relationship with her more now-- even though the contact is less frequent. My own experience is why I think it could be so helpful for you to have both your LC AND a therapist. They could really work together and enforce one another.

I have the opposite problem. I just turned 30, and I still get carded for R-rated movies.