Solution to telling T about important stuff?

I emailed T asking her if I could write down the important stuff re. calling the crisis line she works at and my fears around it and send it to her in an email that she would read at the beginning of our session before she comes to get me (so after our session has started, but she could come get me late, because I don't think I will be able to handle being in the room with her while she reads it).

I am panicking a bit right now. But I think I did what I had to do.

You raise an interesting point about what is more important: telling your therapist something or having her know something about you. I've found more benefit from telling something because the work (for me) is in the telling, not in the therapist's knowing in a passive way. Feelings and understanding surface from telling in person that just don't happen by writing them down for a therapist to know.

It does sound as though you are adamant that this is what's needed for now. Maybe at some point, you can push through those feelings and say what you need to in person. It's so much more helpful to you in the long run. But I understand the fear behind that.

Sometimes I think it's more important to say it out loud. Sometimes the things I need her to know are just too important to wait for my comfort level to get there (ex. sui thoughts). I feel like the stuff tomorrow, if I don't write it down, it just won't get said, and I think it will start an important conversation...if we start it in writing and then continue it verbally? Ugh...

I think writing it is a great idea if it help you communicate. Yes, it can be very powerful verbalizing and communicating things to T, but as you said, sometimes the content is more important than the the delivery.
I've also found that things get easier to talk about once T knows...
I hope she's amenable to it.

If she agrees to it, I want to write this stuff down for her:

1. I used to call that crisis line a lot when I was younger, starting when I was thirteen-ish, to talk about the stuff that was going on for me.
2. I still do sometimes.
3. I feel irrationally ashamed about this and thus haven’t ever told anyone about this (no surprise there).
4. Usually I would call about real things.
5. But sometimes I would make up stories (usually on chat, not on the phone).
6. The made up stories are generally one of two types.
7. The first type = talking about things that happened when I was younger as if they were happening right now (this I started doing when I was sixteen-ish, and I found it immensely gratifying).
8. The second type = the one I feel incredibly, incredibly ashamed of.
9. The second type = talking about things that happened to (mother figure) like they happened to me.
10. This is effective in getting a lot of sympathy/attention/care really quickly, because it is definitely “bad enough,” and it also helps me feel closer to (mother figure) when I miss her.
11. But it also makes me feel incredibly guilty for various reasons and it makes me hate myself x1000.
12. Obviously I will need to stop making up stories now (and probably calling altogether).
13. This will probably be a good thing for me.
14. But I don’t know if I can.
15. When I’m feeling miserable and alone, it fills a need.
16. I have to figure out how to fill that need in other ways.
17. But it’s exhausting, and making up stories is gratifying.
18. I know I need to stop.
19. And I know you can make me stop.
20. And part of me is relieved.
21. And part of me is afraid.
22. I just don’t know if I can.

Other minor things:
1. I used to get very paranoid about putting anything online and/or calling a crisis line when I was seeing former T. These days, it ebbs and flows, but I think it’s getting bad again. You can ask me about this if you like.
2. The other thing I probably just that I’ve called there a lot for many years, so it bothers me to think I may have said something before I started seeing you or maybe without knowing it was you, and when I tell it to you in person, you’ll be like, “That sounds familiar…”
3. Also, the crisis line I volunteer with keeps call logs and detailed notes about callers and volunteers debrief with each other after calls, so even if I called and didn’t talk to you, you might still hear it from someone else and realize it was me.
4. So I should stop calling.
5. And this will probably be a very good thing for me.
6. If I can.

T agreed. I sent it to her. I hope she will not be mad at me...I can think of a million reasons why she would be...ugh...

You really have found a great therapist for yourself. Good luck tomorrow.

Same for me. The work for me is the verbalizing.

I think for me too, eventually, but I think writing things down is a baby step towards getting there...I think...

I started out with writing things though. I just eventually got banned from it by my T

Actually, a few months ago my T wanted to know all the places I pick. I stuggle with talking about body parts, so I wrote it all out. I attempted to give it to my T, but she refused In order to help me, she shut off the lights and completely turned around so she wasn't looking at me. I was able to read most of it. In return, she agreed to read the rest.

You have to do things in ways that you can. If writing is what you're most comfortable, then write. Progress is progress

Thanks for this post. I usually read my T. what I wrote out of my journal or something I've typed. I do this because it shows more emotion than me stumbling around. When I write, it's more raw.
But, I've just realized if I read her what I write, I can somewhat disassociate and not include the feelings. More like I'm just telling a story. So, today I'm going to try something different. I'm going to try to tell her everythign I wrote vs reading it. That will force me to look in her eyes and see her reaction. Otherwise, I'm looking down the whole time.

When you can get to that point, verbalizing is terrifying and unbelievable rewarding. I don't look my therapist in the eye the whole time, but I make a point of trying to do it as much as possible. When I do, I find an authentic connection, someone who's really there and listening. It's worth all the discomfort of taking that leap.

Hang in there.

Goor luck with t today

Well done, Yearning. That was a very brave thing to do. Not because I think your T will be mad at you but because this was a difficult thing to tell anybody about.

I don't think talking is necessarily better than writing things down, and I don't agree that communicating something with soundwaves automatically leads to a more authentic connection than communicating with writing. The main thing is that you did it.

Let us know how it goes.

I actually do thing talking would be marginally more helpful for me than writing things down, but I also think I need to be realistic about where I'm at right now. Even writing stuff down is a sign of trust and it's way further than I've gotten with anyone else in my life, so I think maybe this is the best I can do right now, and it's still comparatively pretty significant.