[AmysJourney]

Yesterday my therapist and I discussed more than once how I was awfully angry at someone who doubted the story of my past because I was "too nice, too charming, too charismatic" and called me a sociopath. Oh my God, that made me so furious!! Well, the doubting my past thing made me so angry!! The sociopath thing just made me laugh really. Clearly that person doesn't know me at all

I got the raging anger out of my body eventually by punching pillows, but the quiet anger is still very much sitting with me. My therapist tried to help me through this but it really took a while until I could finally just accept that this anger is justified and ok. But it left me with the question, how do I go from here?
My Hero-T came up with a brilliant idea. I send a weekly email a lot of my friends in the UK, Germany and wherever they are and update them on how things are going. She said to make each day count right now and make it a daily letter starting with "Day #1", today. She said sharing thoughts and feelings will make me feel connected to the people that matter and it will take them on a more personal journey. So I sent an email to my list last night asking them if they would be ok if I send something daily or if it would annoy them. All but one thought it was a good idea. So I took the one of my list and now I am going to take them on my journey for as many days as I have. And I thought, I will share my daily letters with you here too. I hope that is ok with you. I don't know, perhaps I have to put them into a different topic though because not all will have to do with psychotherapy.

My update for today is this:

"Day #1

It's strange to start with Day 1 because it is actually Day #12,806 of my life. Of these days around 3,500 days were filled with pain and abuse and sadness and loneliness and without love. But that also makes 9,306 days of adventure, love, healing, fighting for a better life, laughter, honesty, challenges and so much more.
But still I am starting with Day #1 because from here on, my days are numbered and will stay in the two digit range. So, taking each day at a time gives me the chance to experience this life even more intensely than I have before. And this morning, when I woke up, I thought about what this day will look like. I slept with my window open and I realized I was woken by birds singing, beautiful blue sky and fresh chilly morning air. It really is amazing when that suddenly becomes so important that I notice a beautiful day like this. I smelled coffee from my housemates and fresh toast and I got up to chat with them. We laughed about things before they went off for work and now I am sitting outside with a cup of tea (oh and for full disclosure, a cigarette!) Yes, I should have stopped long ago, but really why stop now? It makes no real difference any more. And even my doctors urge me not to stop right now and put myself through a withdrawal process.

Later I will see my therapist, and I am looking forward to see her very much. She is one of these people who have this amazing ability to make me feel heard at the same time as making me feel protected and safe and comforted.
She almost always knows what to say and she is not afraid to argue with me, which I appreciate a lot, as you may know about me. The stubborn me is still very much alive The other day she promised to take my ashes to the place where I felt most at home in this life and it was such a beautiful thing to know that she wants to do that for me. She really has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. And I am so grateful and happy that she shares my faith.

For today I will soak up all the good this day has to offer and make it count as much as I can.

With love,
Amelia"

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I think it's a beautiful thing to write your loved ones every day, and they will cherish these notes from you. I appreciate you sharing them here, too, and hope you will continue.

Thank you for being willing to share, Amelia. I am honored that you are including us among those with whom you share your journey.

[rainbow8]

Amelia, your words make me cry. You are a truly gifted writer as well as an inspiration to me.

I complain about little things instead of appreciating what I have. I'm glad you are being mindful of the beauty of nature. Many people who live long lives don't do that. All any one of us has is NOW and your sharing with us is making good use of your now. I hope you can enjoy each day you have. Love, rainbow

[Dannni]

Wow, Amelia, how much just one message written by you can tell! I'm amazed by how the message of your letter feels so reassuring and full of wisdom but also slight humor. Yet reading it truly makes me feel like crying. And it does feel like privilege to read your messages.

I wish you all the best with all my heart and beautiful sunshine in your days! <3
Much love,
Dannni

thank you for sharing this with us it brings so much into perspective and makes us even more thankful and grateful for what we do have and for being able to have you in our lives (((((((♥♥♥)))))))))

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you Amelia. It is a privilege to read your posts. You give me so much to think about and I send you love and warmest good wishes. Thank you again for touching us all and for enabling us to be with you on your journey. You are an inspiration. Thank you. Xx

[Abby]

What a wonderful idea. I would like to read them.

What did you mean though in the first part "how do I go from here?" - did your therapist mean that you don't need to convince anyone else of your own personal story but that you have the right to tell it and allow others the privilege to hear it, if you let them?

A morning started with coffee and French toast. Nothing better!

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Abby

What a wonderful idea. I would like to read them.

What did you mean though in the first part "how do I go from here?" - did your therapist mean that you don't need to convince anyone else of your own personal story but that you have the right to tell it and allow others the privilege to hear it, if you let them?

A morning started with coffee and French toast. Nothing better!

Yes, that is what I meant. Well, part of it.
After that hurtful statement I was unsure if I need to protect myself more from being subjected to cruel statements like that. I knew, putting myself out there bears the risk for people hurting me, attacking me and even doubting me. And I kept thinking, " For what? For not being more messed up? For being nice?" It's really the last thing I need right now. So I thought for a moment that keeping more to myself would be a safer option.

But my therapist told me that I should not give in and not give up what I have become through so much hard work. She said: "Do the opposite, use the unique voice you have been given to make yourself heard. You are not a child any more, nobody has power over you any more. Nobody can make you less. So use your voice, reach out to people and connect with your world as much as you can"
That's when she suggested the daily letter idea.

:-)

Sent from LifeTab with Tapatalk

[bounceback]

I agree with the others. It truly is a gift to us to hear what you have posted and to allow us to be part of your "journey." Thank you for reminding us all to be grateful for what we have now. Yours is usually the first post I read when I come here.

As far as your story goes. You have the right to tell your story. It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you know what happened. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Just because a person had a horrible beginning doesn't mean they can't have a joyful and happy rest of their life. After all isn't that what we are all striving for in therapy?

Like I mentioned before I hope I can be as positive and grateful as you if I am ever in your situation. You are such an inspiration.

[AmysJourney]

Continuing Day #1:

Oh, half the day I managed the happy blissful day routine. And then I collapsed in immense pain, which made me throw up, and now I feel pissed! Oh I am so frustrated that I can't just do what I want right now and go where I want and eat what I want!! Yes, the pain makes me frustrated and irritated and right now I wish I could shout at everyone! My therapist says I can shout at her - but how do I shout at someone who has blue puppy eyes and holds my hand and looks so sad?? I wish she would say something very insensible so I have a reason to shout at her I don't know if I would, but well - I'd like the opportunity.
Good that you can't hear me right now. This all would sound very pouting and rebellious and frustrated right now.

I am hesitantly going to force myself out into the sunshine now and although I don't want to, will probably smile and I will hope not to be in this winy miserable mood for too long. But hey, it's real and I guess I am sharing the good and the bad.

Amelia

[Abby]

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

And I kept thinking, " For what? For not being more messed up? For being nice?" It's really the last thing I need right now. So I thought for a moment that keeping more to myself would be a safer option.

She said: "Do the opposite, use the unique voice you have been given to make yourself heard. You are not a child any more, nobody has power over you any more. Nobody can make you less. So use your voice, reach out to people and connect with your world as much as you can"
That's when she suggested the daily letter idea.

Your voice reached out to me and connected with me. It was so apt for me today and really what I needed to hear. So thank you! Someone I trusted told me they thought I was lying to them (about something) today and it has hurt me a lot but also made me furious at them. I was thinking the same thing - unless I look how they want/feel I should, no one listens or believe me and it hurts me to be me so maybe I should hide away again. This is such a reminder of the past (and probably why I am so upset). Your therapist sounds fantastic and wise. I feel as though through you she spoke to me too

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

I wish she would say something very insensible so I have a reason to shout at her I don't know if I would, but well - I'd like the opportunity.
Good that you can't hear me right now. This all would sound very pouting and rebellious and frustrated right now.

I am hesitantly going to force myself out into the sunshine now and although I don't want to, will probably smile and I will hope not to be in this winy miserable mood for too long. But hey, it's real and I guess I am sharing the good and the bad.

I feel for you. But you sound strong despite the horrific pain...and I think it is okay to pout and be rebellious every now and then. It makes you dynamic!

Thanks for sharing. Best of luck forcing yourself outside.
Take care of yourself.

[Auntie2014]

Thank you for sharing. My wish for you is that you see those days turn into triple digits.

[Beatzen]

Someone I trusted told me they thought I was lying to them (about something) today and it has hurt me a lot but also made me furious at them. I was thinking the same thing - unless I look how they want/feel I should, no one listens or believe me and it hurts me to be me so maybe I should hide away again. This is such a reminder of the past (and probably why I am so upset).

"I try so hard to be just as I am.
But Everybody wants me to be just like them."

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Abby

Someone I trusted told me they thought I was lying to them (about something) today and it has hurt me a lot but also made me furious at them. I was thinking the same thing - unless I look how they want/feel I should, no one listens or believe me and it hurts me to be me so maybe I should hide away again. This is such a reminder of the past (and probably why I am so upset). Your therapist sounds fantastic and wise. I feel as though through you she spoke to me too

Yeah, isn't this one of the most hurtful things? When we go through pain or sadness and then somebody doesn't believe us? When I put on my wig and a smile and some make up, I look almost normal. And nobody would believe when I walk out like that, that underneath that is a very ill person who is in a lot of discomfort and pain.

Sometimes the invisible illness makes it hard for people to believe are suffering. The effects of my past for example- to many they are invisible. That doesn't mean that they are not there.

[Beatzen]

Abby, I actually tried to quote part of your thread so that I could reply, but it didn't put it in quotes (my above post). Just sharing a line from a song.

Amelia, thank you for sharing. Great idea by your t. fortunately, I have never directly had to face my own mortality. I have glimpsed at it indirectly when I lost my parents suddenly as a child. After my mother died (a few years after my father), despite the intense grief and pain, there was a stillness, a calm about me. I had nothing left to lose in my child's mind so I was free. I suddenly had nothing to fear anymore. It was over.
You exude that stillness and seem to have found more peace with every post. F... Those who doubt you or gossip or call u names. They are truly not worth your energy or time. I wish I had some wise or comforting words to offer you. But I do not. Words fail me here. Keep writing, keep talking, keep your head and most importantly, your heart. I am so glad that you are not taking this journey on your own.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Beatzen

Abby, I actually tried to quote part of your thread so that I could reply, but it didn't put it in quotes (my above post). Just sharing a line from a song.

Amelia, thank you for sharing. Great idea by your t. fortunately, I have never directly had to face my own mortality. I have glimpsed at it indirectly when I lost my parents suddenly as a child. After my mother died (a few years after my father), despite the intense grief and pain, there was a stillness, a calm about me. I had nothing left to lose in my child's mind so I was free. I suddenly had nothing to fear anymore. It was over.
You exude that stillness and seem to have found more peace with every post. F... Those who doubt you or gossip or call u names. They are truly not worth your energy or time. I wish I had some wise or comforting words to offer you. But I do not. Words fail me here. Keep writing, keep talking, keep your head and most importantly, your heart. I am so glad that you are not taking this journey on your own.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so much, these words mean a lot to me. I am sorry you lost your parents when you were young. That must have been so awful. I am really sorry.
And yes, I am very glad to not have to walk this journey by myself. It helps to share it and it helps to talk..

Thank you very much.

Amelia

[Bentay]

Thank you Amelia for sharing your personal journey with us, it's a privilege. I truly hope all your days are filled with sunshine, love & laughter

[coolibrarian]

Thank you so much for choosing to share these daily letters with us. In just a few short months of reading your messages, I have come to love you, as strange as that may seem to some. I look forward to seeing whatever you write, and I am going to miss you (eventually), but I share your faith and believe that someday, we will find each other, in God's house.

[AmysJourney]

Day #2

Last night I watched "Flawless" for possibly the 86th time and I still loved it as if it was the first time I watched it. I was probably one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's biggest fans and I do believe that role as the drag-queen was one the best he ever played. (And the movie has probably one of the funniest lines I ever heard in a movie: " Oh No! I shot my best friend in the titties with my cufflink." )
I had the chance to interview Philip Seymour Hoffman some years ago, when he was promoting "A Boat that Rocked". Yes, I almost fainted during the interview and there was a real chance that I would have left my partner back then without blinking twice if Hoffman had given me the slightest impression that he would take me back to his hotel
He said something interesting to me: "Sweetheart, when you do something, do it right and with passion. Halfhearted **** isn't going to get you anywhere."

When I watched the movie last night I was reminded of that and somehow it spoke to me right now into my very situation.
There are so many things right now that I feel I can only do halfheartedly, because I get tired or frustrated sometimes and I throw the towel way too quickly. I never did that before, so why now?
Perhaps it's because sometimes I wonder: "What's the point any more?"
But then I wake up and it's a new day and I have to tell myself that I am still alive so I might as well do things right and see them through. So today I am going to sew a dress and I will finish it! If not today, then maybe tomorrow, but I will finish it.
That's my goal right now.

Oh, I have to tell you something fascinating... Lately, I see all these squirrels in our back yard. They go to the bird feeder, chase away the birds, then feed on the seeds. I have to refill the bird feeder twice a day because the squirrels are eating it all
Yesterday I observed how a squirrel carried a baby squirrel in her mouth and took her into our self-made bird house. And I watched as the squirrel mom went back and forth from the bird feeder to take food to the baby and the tiny squirrel was sitting up and looking out of the window of the bird house to watch his mommy. At some point the baby squirrel attempted to jump out of the house to follow his mommy and in incredible speed the mommy squirrel jumped back to the bird house and took the baby into his mouth and perhaps it was in my imagination but I think she scolded the baby by tapping it's back a gently a few times. That was so fascinating to see.. Usually, as soon as baby squirrels are weaned off, the mother chases them away, but this squirrel mom keeps her young one safe and protects it.
The baby is now staying put in the bird house and every now and then I can see it's little head peeking out of the window. I can never get close enough to get a picture, although I would love to.

It made me think how much I would have loved to have a mother who cared for me like that. How much I would have loved to feel safe and nurtured instead of being chased away all the time. When I was a little girl I had to cook for my family and my mother would stand and watch me with a belt in her hand, to make sure I didn't eat something while I was cooking. If I tried to (and I did that a lot because I was always hungry!) she would snap the belt and hit my hands. Then, after serving everyone in my family, I had to sit and watch them eat while I was only allowed to have a piece of dry bread. I developed quite a food jealously back then. In school I would jealously stare at other kid's sandwiches and once or twice I stole their sandwiches and ate it in incredible speed in a toilet booth and disposed of all evidence in the toilet.
Watching the squirrel mom making sure the baby had enough to eat, gave me a little sting in my heart.
But it also made me think of how grateful I am today that I have been able to have enough food since I earned my first own money and how I became quite a good cook through that experience. And I am glad that being forced to cook and not being allowed to eat did not kill my joy in cooking

As to how I am today - I am feeling exhausted and tired today and I feel like I want to get out of own skin. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, but I still feel sick all the time and that really irritates me. I had to get up a few times in the night to throw up but there was nothing to throw up so my stomach started to cramp quite badly. So I will have to eat this morning and I will try some graham crackers or perhaps some porridge. Yeah, you know how much I like that - NOT! But if it helps, I will force the gray paste into me.

I hope you all are having a nice day today with lots of blessings. Oh and enjoy the food you are able to eat, it really is a privilege to be able to eat whenever you like.

All my love,
Amelia"

[unaluna]

There should be a trigger warning on this post?

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by hankster

There should be a trigger warning on this post?

You're right, sorry! I forgot.

Hey Amelia, I feel for you. I had similar stuff going on growing up. Good for you for retaining the joys that life has to offer! I am sorry for your frustration. I think there is a difference between doing things in a half-assed way versus having compassion for yourself that things are physically quite difficult right now. I hope you can have compassion for yourself.

[Dannni]

I'm happy that you now have goal that you want to achieve. And I really agree with that comment about doing things with passion. But I also agree with the quote of Ghandi! So I hope you can be kind and understanding for yourself because some things just are out of our control. And I feel so sorry about that eating problem..