What is the point?

I haven't been around much on this site lately and have mostly stopped posting because my therapy is going well 90% of the time and because last year I had to change my username because some people seemed hell bent on digging up my old threads and contradicting me. Nothing is static, people especially change when they are in therapy and doing work on themselves. I have to say most of the feedback I have gotten here has been amazing, constructive and supportive but occasionally people will not see eye to eye or get the point you are making. It's like real life sometimes you got to accept the fact that everybody is different.
I remember opening a thread once that was related to my therapy and the mods moved it to another department which upset me and felt personal as I have seen many other threads not related to therapy left here. I guess the point I am trying to make is that everybody gets something from the board if you allow support or advice, 99% of people are genuinely trying to help others, I have only encountered one or two trolls whose intention was to make others look bad and making themselves put to be right all of the time.
Sometimes people get triggered and react and then regret reacting but it's all learning. There is lots you can learn about yourself and others by our interactions with each other.
Also sometimes I posy because I need to vent and perhaps it would be better to journal in those occasions of I will post and just need to ask others opinions about something and not reply to the answers. I apologise for that because people go to a lit of trouble to reply and I always appreciate the effort.

In a burst of incendiary paradox, I assume the grenade lobbed in the OP was to solicit affirmation and agreement.

I see a trans-oceanic logic leap here. Though forum=discussion, I miss how discussion is defined as invalidating and undermining someone we don't know in a situation we've never witnessed.

Advice giving is a dangerous enterprise, and when disrespectful, about the advice-giver's elevation as opposed to the recipient. Does anyone want to be psychoanalyzed and prescribed by the untrained world?

I think the same social mores apply in a forum that apply to how we interact in person. If it would be unwelcome to diagnose, analyze and undermine our real life social circle, why is it all right on a forum? I wince when I read those types of comments here. I wonder if that interactive style was therapy-influenced.

A rule I use, in the slight chance I'm bugged by another poster's comment, is to look at the username and then ask if I want to tell anyone in real life that fuzzyrabbit576 has offended me yet again.

Licketysplit you made me grin like this

I think this is an interesting thread.

A PP said that this is primarily a support forum, rather than for debate, or intellectual challenge, etc. For me when I start threads I actually find the challenges posters throw at me very supportive - it is part of how I take support from this forum, because it helps me scrutinize my thinking and feelings and consider new ways. Doesn't mean I always like it! Far from it. But I find it very valuable.

I suppose then that fashions how I try to 'support' folks on their threads, offering my viewpoints, or sharing something that I found helpful. Most of the time, it is easy to accept that my offering might be ignored, and that's ok. I hope what I write is helpful in some way, but of course it may be totally useless to the person. Sometimes I am guilty of being too blunt, out of irritation or frustration. Sometimes I **** it all up.

Another previous post mentioned about delusions, on how the safest way to interact with the person is to agree until meds kick in - I don't think that is always the case. For some very acute situations where there could be real danger to either of you, yes I agree. But for less intense situations, I actually think continuing to talk to the person and counter some of the more mad stuff in a calm way is more useful. Not in a way so as to aggravate them - but for example, if they are upset and agitated searching for a passport and telling you they are moving to Africa in the morning to start up a brothel with some guy they met off the internet and why this is all perfectly ok and makes sense, to keep encouraging them to have a cup of tea, take a break, that they don't have to do anything so soon, etc. Rather than agree. Conversation can be really, really helpful in calming down a person in some circumstances.

It seems a part of this may be to learn to distinguish between those who want others to "challenge" ( I don't really think this is the most accurate term, but I can't think of any other that would not piss someone else off unintentionally) them and those who do not. And, in my experience, it is not as easy as just having an OP state what they want. Another is that there can be a huge difference in types of delivery of the same message.
It seems no more productive to me to have posters come back to thread where they are frustrated by the OP and keep doing the thing that the OP does not respond to and which frustrates the other poster even more.

It is true, this is a forum but the subject matter in most of the sections is not about favorite hobbies or entertainment news. It's typically about some of the most serious and painful issues in our lives. Issues that many people can't talk about with others in person. Issues that are often misunderstood or cause people to feel ostracized. I think it's okay to have a space where people need to take a second before they post to consider the impact of their words. I can't count how many times I have sat here, typing and retyping a response to try to get the right tone and message-and then ended up deleting it all because I was afraid it might come across in the wrong way. Sometimes I just say "I'm so sorry you're going through this". And, there is the added factor that we are dealing with the written word and it can be difficult to relay tone and feeling that can be seen and heard when we are face to face with someone.

I too have tried to apply my life experiences when responding to someone's post. And, sometimes that is what the poster has specifically requested. But more often than not people don't specify what type of response they are looking for-empathy, advice or a description of a similar experience which helps the poster to feel less alone. I think it might be helpful to either specifically ask for what type of response one is looking for when creating a thread or to ask someone, before responding to a post, what might be helpful for them.

I too believe that people are posting responses with the desire to be helpful. But we are all different and we won't have the same ideas of what is helpful. When we start to get into the area of "diagnosing" people we are getting into a dangerous area, in my opinion. I mean, therapists who have worked with someone for years can get things wrong and misdiagnose or give inaccurate and even damaging information. How can we assume to be able to offer ideas about what type of therapy someone should try or use diagnostic names and labels and ideas based on a few sentences in a post on a forum? I know that it is with the idea of being helpful and comes from that mindset but, to me, that can have some unfortunate ramifications.

I became involved in this forum because I thought it was a place of support and where I wouldn't be judged and where people would understand what I was saying. I don't see it as a place where we debate which psychological problems someone might have, based on a paragraph of information. I know it can be frustrating when we see someone continually taking a road that we see as dangerous. We want to jump in and help them and try to redirect them to a more healthy place. But unless they have asked us to give advice or make suggestions I think we need to just listen or empathize. And, if that is too frustrating to be a part of, which it can be, maybe just don't go into the thread.

I have yet to start a thread. I don't think it would be beneficial to me. I would probably end up frustrated.

I'm one of the least validating people in the known universe. It's still not hard to offer support within the site's guidelines. I don't see the big deal with accepting the site's raison d'etre, which is to provide support for people with mental health concerns. Not criticism, not an "honest discussion" of their problems, not a critique of their delusional thinking.

It helps me enjoy the site more if I avoid reading certain threads and posters who, according to my lights, are going off in unhelpful directions. I'm sure I've been put on some ignore lists myself. I mean, have you heard my opinion of certain types of therapy? Totally obnoxious to some people, although almost everyone has been very nice about it. That's what I like. Even though some people disagree with me completely and might even think I'm deluded, they have been extremely nice about it and considerate of my feelings.

Out there in everyday life, people aren't always so nice or so considerate. There's plenty of criticism and "honest discussion" and correcting going on constantly, so much so that some people only feel safe by isolating themselves. Fortunately, I don't do that, but I did avoid internet forums for years because I didn't like all the meanness that passed as "honest discussion."

This place is different and that's why I'm still here.

That's crazy. I want more money and kind of want to be married (as an idea don't have no one in mind) so I should create a board with pics of weddings and dollar bills and that's gonna come true? Lolloll lol lol what kind of bs!!!! I'd rather hug and sing kumbaya

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Amen.

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Unless you go into length about every detail it is usually not that beneficial because people just don't know enough to comment in a helpful way. I have no energy to type 10 paragraphs every time

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It wouldn't do me any good. I save it for my T.

Sometimes it seems like there are people who just want "those" posters to go away if they won't take advice or do the "right" thing. They want to squash them and silence them and shut them up or shame them into doing what they think is best. Maybe it is with good intentions, but you know what they say about the road to hell.

Sometimes people need to vent and complain and go on and on until they themselves get to the point of making the changes they need to make. It would be extremely arrogant of me if I thought I had the magic advice to make someone do what I want them to do to get "better" (whatever that means anyway).

I kind of agree but then again because many of us are in the same boat we just want to help

. Like if I posted that I want to screw random guys on the street with no worries about protection or do illegal drugs etc I sure hope people replied with "hey don't do it, you get Std or get in trouble with the law," instead of singing kumbaya. Sometimes tough love means more than patting on a back

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Some posters here seemed to ignore a deluge of opinion here, but eventually took steps toward action. So I assume they heard, but then made the change on their own schedule.

Years ago, I was taught the most respectful way to offer opinion is to talk about my own vulnerabilities and experiences. That allows for the other person to decide if their situation is parallel and to take or leave my conclusions and solutions.

I find the "you shoulds" presumptuous. Though that is not as presumptuous as being psychoanalyzed, someone playing clairvoyant with me, or ascribing motives.

I think finding validation is an important kindness in a difficult, contradicting situation. I think that very much --the point.

I absolutely agree people need to vent etc, but I am bewildered because I genuinely don't really see arrogant people thinking their advice ought to be followed??

I don't really get it?

As far as I see it - advice or opinions are given, and it is up to the thread-starter to choose if they want to engage with it, retort to it saying no actually you are missing the point, read it and consider it for later, or just read and feel less alone because somebody has gone through something similar.

A thread-starter can't control responses from every individual. This is the internet, it's a forum, if you post there is a risk you will hear stuff that does not expressly suit you.

I agree. I sometimes could be harsh in my opinions (especially on relationship issues) but that is not because I don't validate them but precisely because I do! I am so messed up when it comes to relationships that i don't want others to go through same crap! I don't want them to suffer! If I can help one person to at least to address the issue I would be happy!

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True. And there is the risk that the original poster may totally reject the advice and there is no need to get upset about that either, but both sides do get upset. It's human nature I guess. Everything you said could apply to both "sides" and I hate using the term sides, but it does seem like that sometimes.

It's usually not that extreme though. I don't really see much kumbaya stuff here either. People can offer advice or support in a way that is not condescending and rude. I don't think most people are just patting others on the back. Most people do genuinely want to offer support or whatever. There are extremes at both "ends."

I have a bad habit of posting unsolicited advice, and also of relating my own experiences in response to an OP. I do this IRL also because I am socially inept. I got called on it in a very public and degrading way at work one day. So now I very rarely post and absolutely refuse to start any more threads.

I don't mean to be dismissive, and I don't mean to tell people "you think that's bad, listen to this!" in a one-up way; but it has been pointed out to me that other posters perceive negative connotations in my posts.

So this forum has become a voyeuristic pastime for me. I can read other's posts, and absorb other's experiences, but I can no longer participate in any real way.

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Agree

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May I ask a silly question? I just went through 7 pages of posts, and I noticed that the OP's comments have sparked a lot of very interesting conversation. However the OP has not responded to anything yet?
Hmmm...

Yes I agree it applies to everyone. I think it's ok to get upset sometimes! But it's about keeping some perspective.

I think what I'm trying to say is I think it would be a poor forum indeed if we have to censor absolutely everything for fear of offending somebody. The threads would quickly get very bland. It is also infantalizing, it suggests people can't stand up to the rigour of teasing out their feelings and thoughts with other people talking about things that are really difficult. That they are too fragile.

The reality is we are all grown ups. We can all get a flare of irritation or feel upset, and then choose to go look at amusing pictures of cats to chill out or shut down our computer for a bit if the forum is pissing us off, and come back when we want to engage again.

I wasn't going to come to the forum today, but i'm not sitting well with this (due to my own mental health issues). People may choose not to interact with me anymore after I say this, but I want to risk that because I am confused as to why there is so much support for the idea of doing/saying whatever you want in circumstances where the support seeker is clearly hurt or distressed.

There are only about 2 times per month where this happens. I don't see encouragement for only responding with "there there"; in fact, it seems the opposite to me. I continually see people saying how they love this place because of the great feedback, advice, support, whatever. Everyone here tries to help, and it's all good, and I usually don't see complaints about people offering advice or different opinions. People are free to provide all sorts of diverse opinions, and that's one reason why I come here. And if they aren't well received, there is nothing wrong with a mild conflict or argument taking place, followed by things getting settled. That happens from time to time, but again, people are rarely censored here, which I personally favor.

But if things aren't settled, and someone gets distressed, what stands out to me is the 'okayness' with lack of acknowledging or respecting another's personal boundaries. I'll use an example of one of my situations as to not talk about other people who might have been recently affected.

I'm normally open to any and all opinions, but when I'm having panic attacks or other emotional distress, things affect me differently. And I will (try) be assertive about it. Not that i'm great about it, but some people aren't able to do that because they just haven't gotten to improving their interpersonal communication, lack of parenting issues not worked through in therapy yet, or whatever. Some people here who have been in therapy for 20 or so years, and some people who are even therapists, are often the ones who have the interpersonal skills. Don't forget, many here are new to therapy or much younger than others, so may have had less life experience (not always the case).

There was a thread I started where I was highly distressed and was seeking feedback. Someone started changing the direction of the thread, and I politely said thank you for the suggestions, but I don't want to discuss that. I want to discuss X aspect of my situation (it was the psychodynamic aspects basically). The person started going on an on that this is what I SHOULD be discussing, rather than what I wanted to discuss. I asked again-please, go discuss that on another thread, etc. The person insisted I was not looking at the situation correctly and was aggressive about it. Again, I understood the concepts the other person wanted to me to 'see', but I only wanted to talk about the psychodynamic concepts for my own reasons.

I blocked the person, but then the discussion was already out there, so others started talking about the subject the blocked person wanted to discuss rather than what I wanted to discuss, even though I explicitly pointed it out more than once. I got more distressed and ended up asking a moderator to delete the entire thread, which was a relief, but later made me really sad that I felt so unsafe because some don't understand what it means to respect another's boundaries.

It felt so controlling and violating to me that I started having annihilation anxiety (again due to my own issues). My abuse history includes people not recognizing me as a human being, but an object to control to meet their own needs, which is common with those who commit severe abuses. And I find when others are THAT controlling, totally disregarding my boundaries, they are not seeing me as a separate person (can be described as violating a persons boundaries). I started to get flashbacks of the other (sometimes it manifests as a monster due to pre-verbal content).

I'm not sure if the person crossed the "abusive" line, but abuse IS violating a person's boundaries. I set a clear boundary in my thread--that I did not want to talk about X and that I was highly distressed about the aggressiveness of wanting to control the topic of my thread. Again, my own issues. But regardless of my MH issues, it was a healthy boundary I was asserting. Not some ridiculously rigid boundary that I was adamant the responses should only be what 'I wanted to hear'.

Why is it okay to disregard or violate others' boundaries to satisfy the other persons' needs (to fix the person, to 'wake them up', to stop annoying them, to assert their opinion, etc.)? No one had to 'act as a therapist' or walk on eggshells; I was simply asserting my boundary and it was being totally disregarded in for the needs of the controlling person.

Why do some people feel they are ENTITLED to disregard and violate others' boundaries in the name of 'free speech'? This isn't a court room where the needs of the case trump your need to be safe.

Some people are too fragile though and maybe they shouldn't come here, but they do and I would never, ever want to take the chance of possibly causing them damage. I think if someone can live with that then fine, but I can't.