Vulnerability

I have a hard time being vulnerable with people I care about. My T pointed out that I fear being abandoned if I become vulnerable.

A friend of mine told me about a podcast channel called On Being and in it there is an interview with Brene Brown. It seemed to have more than her you tube video or maybe it was just the timing of me listening to it. Anyway I wanted to share with others who may struggle.

After listening to it yesterday I felt empowered to tell my T a lot more monday. Well I'm not feeling it today. I may listen to it again tonight.

What have you done to get past vulnerability?

I have a lot of trouble with that too... I havn't got any insights, just wanted to share that I can relate...

is that podcast easy enough to find? I think I will look it up for myself also.

thanks.

i can relate too. i find being vulnerable sometimes the worst thing in the world, although it isn't.

Here is the link:
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com

I struggle with being vulnerable. This is something I am working on. Currently, the thought of being vulnerable with anyone other than my T is enough to make me crawl in a hole.

I've read 2/3 of Daring Greatly. Decent.

She makes it sound easier than it is. I've gotten to the point where I'm able to initiate vulnerable openness. Maintaining it is excruciating though... I get hit with a shame backlash or something. It doesn't feel powerful, it feels like self-torture.

Oh, and she said it took her a year. I've been at it for two and I'm not nearly there yet.

I could have written this myself. That's my exact problem. It sounds all fine and dandy until you actually have to do it. There have been a few times where I've been able to be vulnerable, but it's almost immediately followed by shame and feeling stupid. I was really vulnerable with my T once and the next week I couldn't look him in the eye...and then I wanted to straight up quit therapy. And we're always on good terms, so the fact that the switch can flip that suddenly is amazing and fascinating to me.

Not gonna lie...I hate the word vulnerability right now because it's so idealized when in reality it sucks. It's like handing someone a loaded gun and trusting them to not hurt you with it. But the hope is that I'll one day get past that. Luckily I have a brilliant T who I'm guessing has a lot of experience with this, because he's managed to challenge me in the midst of it without making me feel like a moron for feeling the way I do.

Yes, I think it's rather strange that vulnerability can ever be seen as a good thing. I know it is not a good thing for me, and it's certainly not something that is desirable for me in any of my relationships outside the therapist's office. Why is it something you want to get past? I honestly don't understand what the perceived value of it is.

I also dislike Brene Brown, but that's just a personal thing - I don't react well to her way of expressing herself.

Well, it's not a good thing, or a bad thing. It's a very dangerous thing. A bit like fire or electricity... You really want to know what you're doing when you mess with it. Which kinda sucks for those of us who missed the basics as kids....

Well I don't want to throw out vulnerability as a whole. I believe it is very important in your closest relationships. My problem is I learned a long, long time ago to not rely on anyone. It was a defense mechanism that was necessary at the time I think, but now it's just hurting close friendships that I desire to have so much. I listen, listen, and listen some more to everyone's problems, triumphs, etc., but then I'm not open with them at all in return and feel stupid if I ever am. The result is a relationship that feels superficial to me, while the other people remain clueless. I'm starting to burn out and feel incredibly lonely. Vulnerability is a good thing. You just obviously have to be careful to what degree you are open with different people (i.e. vulnerability with a good friend who really cares about you vs. someone who would hurt you or couldn't care any less). I'm not vulnerable with anyone, even my closest friends...That's what I want to get past.

I don't agree that vulnerability is a good thing. I concede that it can be a good thing for some people, and I am not saying that those who think it is good should change their thinking. But I agree with JustShakey that it is not an inhrerently good thing and I still don't see what the possible benefits are. No big deal - it makes no difference to anybody else what I do in terms of vulnerability, but I am really trying to understand.

Btw, what "basics" were we supposed to get as kids? Again, I feel clueless in the conversation...

When it's appropriate and when it's not. How to feel comfortable with it. Among other things I'm sure. I'm pretty clueless about it myself.

I like the podcast more than the tedtalk video because the podcast is an interview. Anyway, I'm taking a huge leap tomorrow and going to be open with my T about some feelings towards her that I haven't expressed. I'll refer to them and she reminds me that I haven't talked about them. Oh that must have been my conversation with her in my head. Lol

I want to be more vulnerable with others. I don't want to fear abandonment because there are some great motherly women who I have pushed away and couldn't figure out why. It's like their care would hurt too much.

And most importantly I want to be more vulnerable with my t. First, how can she fully help me otherwise and second, I want to treat her the opposite of my mom since I tend to do the opposite and push her away.

Will be. So. Hard.

I hate vulnerability! I'm strong, independent and I have all my ***** together. On the outside. On the inside I'm a squirming mass of "OMG what do I do now?" If anyone ever saw that, my cover would be blown. My mask would be off. And for some reason the world would end.

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Ditto! I'm also very outspoken - I'll tell you my opinions anytime, give you advice, etc. But, don't ask me about my feelings or ask me to express them first! I'll look at you with a blank!

Feelings! I got handed a large and time consuming project at work, trained and fully understood how to handle it, then the person whose brainchild it is asked me how I felt about taking it on. I replied that I had no feelings about it, I do the jobs I'm asked to do to the best of my ability. The next day the project was given to someone else. I guess the fact that I didn't appear overjoyed to adopt his baby offended him. I still have no feelings about the whole thing!

When you've been taught not to have an opinion, and been told how you feel all your life, how do you suddenly begin to have feelings?

It is a good thing, but very hard. By the way there Brene Brown has a few other Ted talks that may be of interest.

Keep in mind, people have the right to hear your story, but people have to earn that right to hear your story.

In my case it's my fear of being abused or taken advantage of or simply invalidated, but I think in both cases it leads to same thing: to fear vulnerability and avoid it.

For me, the way it works is to go slowly and slowly build trust. However, sometimes I may, say, share too much personal stuff and feel real vulnerable as a result. Even on this forum, for instance, then next day feel terrible pain and regret about sharing what I did, especially if did not get as many responses or felt someone was kind of mean or the responses were not caring enough. Then I think, I WILL NEVER EVER will share personal things here!

This, however, usually happens when I overshare. And why do I overshare? Because I stop myself from sharing even a little. So it just spills out. So I've tried to share a little at a time. That usually works better and I feel more comfortable that way.

Perhaps it can be helpful to you too. That way, you can keep checking if abandonment happened. You will see, I'm sure, in majority of cases it won't. Then you will see that you have exaggerated particular instances in your mind, when in reality it would be rational to expect more positive than negative experiences, after showing vulnerability sometimes. Then it will become easier and easier to show vulnerability. Good luck.

Hmmmmm. I think I did learn what I needed to, since I believe I knew early on that it is never appropriate to open oneself up for injuries (which is what vulnerability means - it doesn't mean that the injury is inevitable, but the risk of injury is intrinsic to the meaning.) Nor is it something I would ever want to be comfortable with.

I still don't understand why other people consider it positive for them, but I guess I'll never know. Especially since my point of view is clearly not valid. (That's not directed at you, JS, since you are one of the few people here who acknowledge that there can be different points of view about this.)

This is just to explain what is attracting me about vulnerability.

I might not be the right one to answer this, since one of the things I'm in therapy for is not feeling a lot of anything, besides of which I'm a loner, but I have been noticing that within the therapy relationship which now feels safe to me, I crave the opportunity to be vulnerable. I've been trying to figure this out. I think it's because when I feel more vulnerable I feel more alive in general. It's like, the first step to feeling more alive (for me) is to learn to tolerate that I can't seem to open myself up to the more positive feelings like joy without also opening myself to whatever comes. And part of what i want us the joy; to not be so afraid of the hurt side that I miss the good feelings part.

And this is all tentative even just for me. I definitely don't think that what you think isn't valid. What I'm saying could be premature and wrong for me, even. Much less for someone who's not-me.

On re-reading your post I just realized it's not phrased as a request for information. But I don't want to just delete it so, as they say, feel free to ignore what's not useful.

Thank you for that thoughtful post, ragsnfeathers. That was helpful.