I've been with the same therapist for a very long time. She is not my first. I've been thinking about asking her a couple questions of a personal nature. Is it ever appropriate to ask a therapist personal questions???? She has shared some personal information with me, such as why she got rid of her cat and that she uses a CPAP machine. But these subjects came up during regular conversation and had to do with what I was talking about.

I would like to ask her two things 1) Are you married???? 2) Are you sober????The married thing isn't really important, but being sober is.

Has anyone here ever asked their therapist personal questions???? If yes, did you get an honest answer???? Did the answer affect your treatment in any way???? Does it really matter????

I've been considering asking her these things for quite some time now. Asking would get the questions out of my head. I'm not even sure if I care about the answers.

Thank you in advance for your responses.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking those questions - they don't seem overly personal. Just be prepared for your T to ask why it's important for you to know. And, you T may choose not to answer the questions.

I have asked my T basic personal questions - are you married, do you have kids, etc. Also, random personal stuff has come up during the course of our sessions. For example, my T once said something that reminded me so much of a friend of mine that I asked T where she grew up, because it was a very "regional" thing for her to say. She easily shared that with me, as it made sense in the context of the conversation.

It is always okay to ask, but you have to be prepared to not get an answer. Your therapist may or may not choose to answer, but it would be a very bad T who did not accept such questions from a patient.

I have asked a couple of personal things of my therapist (related to his work, not his private life) and he answered them, but he also wanted to know why I asked.

[stopdog]

I don't usually care about anything personal about the therapist. They usually tell me more about themselves than I care about or have reason for knowing. Both that I see have said they were married and have mentioned children (both are around 70 years old and have adult children). Usually when they tell me something I wonder what on earth it has to do with me and why I go and pay them.
I don't see their real life as having much bearing on what I use them for as therapists. For example, I don't care if they drink or not as long as they are not drunk when I am at the appointment. Basically I expect them to act in an appropriately detached and distant fashion and stay back from me while I am there. Other than that I don't care what they do.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by emwell2

I've been with the same therapist for a very long time. She is not my first. I've been thinking about asking her a couple questions of a personal nature. Is it ever appropriate to ask a therapist personal questions???? She has shared some personal information with me, such as why she got rid of her cat and that she uses a CPAP machine. But these subjects came up during regular conversation and had to do with what I was talking about.

I would like to ask her two things 1) Are you married???? 2) Are you sober????The married thing isn't really important, but being sober is.

Has anyone here ever asked their therapist personal questions???? If yes, did you get an honest answer???? Did the answer affect your treatment in any way???? Does it really matter????

I've been considering asking her these things for quite some time now. Asking would get the questions out of my head. I'm not even sure if I care about the answers.

Thank you in advance for your responses.

it really depends on the therapist. in my first year with my T I probably could have asked her most anything. now, i can't ask her ANYTHING without creating a fight. like...nothing. We were talking the other day about my going back to school and what I should major in, and I asked what she had gotten her masters in and she responded "well don't you know already" and I said if I remembered I wouldnt be asking you now, so what did you get it in? and she again deflected and the conversation spun into something ugly and I really don't understand why she feels the need to do it, because it causes so many problems and the questions are innocent/related to discussion.

So- it depends on your t and your relationship.

It always boggles my mind when people say they don't even know if their therapist is married or not.

Anyway, you can ask, but if your therapist is so blank slate that you don't even know that basic information, it may be that she won't answer. On the other hand, she might.

The sober question might not get answered? I'm kind of curious as to why you feel the need to ask this. Are you seeing signs that she is not?

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It always boggles my mind when people say they don't even know if their therapist is married or not.

Anyway, you can ask, but if your therapist is so blank slate that you don't even know that basic information, it may be that she won't answer. On the other hand, she might.

The sober question might not get answered? I'm kind of curious as to why you feel the need to ask this. Are you seeing signs that she is not?

It boggles my mind that there are people who do know their therapist's marital status. And that certainly does not mean that I want a blank slate therapist. A blank slate is a T who does not react to what I say. It is not a T who is flexible enough to understand and respect the fact that I don't want to know intimately personal things about him.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It always boggles my mind when people say they don't even know if their therapist is married or not.

Anyway, you can ask, but if your therapist is so blank slate that you don't even know that basic information, it may be that she won't answer. On the other hand, she might.

The sober question might not get answered? I'm kind of curious as to why you feel the need to ask this. Are you seeing signs that she is not?

Actually I have been seeing signs that she may be sober. I was sober for a very long time. I don't consider myself "sober" anymore. I just choose not to drink. People who are sober see things differently than people who are not. A person can really change when exposed to recovery. Sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad. I am curious to know if I am being judged when I mention having a beer or two. and where that judgment stems from. Therapists get much knowledge from school, but real life experiences matter as well.

[NowhereUSA]

I ask personal questions all the time. I'll even get super personal just to see what he'll answer. I've asked if he wants kids, what he believes, where he grew up, about his siblings. I'm super nosy.

Interestingly, he always attempts to answer my questions even if he doesn't give me the gory details I've appreciated that about him.

[catonyx]

I've not asked anything up until this point. That's not to say I won't ever, but it hasn't come up as something I feel matters.

[Moogieotter]

emwell2, hi

I had a therapist in 2011 when I got out of rehab who was recommended as a former psychologist of the treatment center. Very quickly I felt it was important to ask her if she was in recovery. She had no problem telling me that she was clean and sober from a history of cocaine and alcohol use.

Not sure on the married front. Look for a ring? I think it's fair to ask as well. Just frame the conversation with "I hope this is appropriate, but I have a few personal questions for you." or something.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes. Thanks,

moogs

Originally Posted by Mastodon

It boggles my mind that there are people who do know their therapist's marital status. And that certainly does not mean that I want a blank slate therapist. A blank slate is a T who does not react to what I say. It is not a T who is flexible enough to understand and respect the fact that I don't want to know intimately personal things about him.

LOL. Touche'. Different strokes for different folks. My T's have always been so transparent about their families. Not that they overshare, but they've all had photos in their office and mention their wives or kids in passing. It has always just seemed to natural to know that about just about everyone I deal within any context I guess.

[baseline]

I agree Em! I have to admit I am also curious but would never ask. It would be too hurtful to me if he/she didn't want to answer. Plus not knowing is my way of staying detached. I do admit to looking up his/her autobiography and info online. Does that make me a stalker?haha i hope not.

Thank you MoogieOtter......... Just frame the conversation with "I hope this is appropriate, but I have a few personal questions for you." or something. That is a wicked good answer. I may have to remember that one.

No Baseline, You are not a stalker. If you end up waiting in a car outside their house then Yes you are a stalker.

[JaneTennison1]

I asked my t something once and she explained why she would not answer. I didn't leave feeling rejected or hurt but valued her considering what I had to say and considering how to respond. I say ask and be prepared to discuss the answer.

[Favorite Jeans]

It sounds like you're bringing some big assumptions to the sobriety question. Like that a person is either sober or not. To me, the term sober suggests an underlying problem that's either active or in remission. But most people who drink do not have an alcohol problem, they are neither sober nor drunk. Furthermore, even if your T is sober or a recovering addict, that doesn't mean that she cannot wrap her around the fact that most people can drink in moderation without any problem or that she's judging you for having a beer or two.

Your question as to her sobriety is no doubt very loaded for you. It's probably more important for you to understand your own feelings, attitudes and experiences around alcohol and your expectation of being judged than it is to find out about your T's drinking habits.

I think it's always appropriate to ask a therapist chit chat type questions. I wouldn't go above and beyond what I'd discover about someone in a casual social environment.. are you married? any kids? what town do you live in? I wouldn't work with a therapist that felt uncomfortable sharing that basic level of detail. I totally understand clients that don't want to know, but for me I need that level of disclosure to trust.

[JaneTennison1]

The weird thing is I have no clue if my T is currently married or not. I've never thought to ask. I know she was previously divorced as she told me that.

Another great answer

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Your question as to her sobriety is no doubt very loaded for you. It's probably more important for you to understand your own feelings, attitudes and experiences around alcohol and your expectation of being judged than it is to find out about your T's drinking habits.

Sometimes she responds with things I learned in recovery. I'm curious as to whether she learned this stuff in a book or from her own experiences.


I do appreciate everyone's replies. I truly did not expect so many so fast. Keep them coming. Everyone's experience is important to me.

[stopdog]

What difference does it make where the therapist learned it?
Someone close to me is now what she calls sober and I drink moderately - she does not judge me (well, she does laugh at how I can leave half a glass of beer and that my liquor bottles have dust on them).

Does sober mean in recovery or just not drunk at the moment? I'm asking because the only context I've heard that is in relation to someone acting strangely. If someone asked me if I was sober, I'd be worried that I was having a stroke and not making sense (I don't drink).

[granite1]

I don't know if my T is married or not I have not even looked at her hand to see if she has a ring . I have wondered and thought about if she is only because of reading here . but in the end I do feel the less I know about her the better off I am . I feel I need huge boundaries because I feel becoming to familiar with her might cause problems with even the smallest amount of trust. I do know her home address and that she also has a private practice but that is only because I looked up her lic info and that is available when I looked that up

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Does sober mean in recovery or just not drunk at the moment? I'm asking because the only context I've heard that is in relation to someone acting strangely. If someone asked me if I was sober, I'd be worried that I was having a stroke and not making sense (I don't drink).

YES lickety-split.... when I said sober I meant in recovery from alcohol abuse. Thanks for helping me clarify that.

[PaulaS]

I think it´s ok to ask those questions even if I wondered a little about the question about if she´s sober. Have you noticed something that tells you she isn´t? Or does this have to do with the therapy per se? I mean a therapy addressing addictions in some way? I understand if you don´t want to answer that.

The thing about her being married or not, if you don´t want to ask her or she won´t answer you, perhaps there are some kind of websites where you can look her up? In my country there are, you can easily check up on people by entering their first name and surname and the name of the town they live in. When you find your T (or anyone else) you can easily see if there is someone else at that same address. If that happens to be a male at your T:s age approximately it´s likely her husband or at least a male partner.

Sometimes I check those things just out of curiosity and sometimes I feel it´s like prying into the T:s life. It depends.

Originally Posted by emwell2

I've been with the same therapist for a very long time. She is not my first. I've been thinking about asking her a couple questions of a personal nature. Is it ever appropriate to ask a therapist personal questions???? She has shared some personal information with me, such as why she got rid of her cat and that she uses a CPAP machine. But these subjects came up during regular conversation and had to do with what I was talking about.

I would like to ask her two things 1) Are you married???? 2) Are you sober????The married thing isn't really important, but being sober is.

Has anyone here ever asked their therapist personal questions???? If yes, did you get an honest answer???? Did the answer affect your treatment in any way???? Does it really matter????

I've been considering asking her these things for quite some time now. Asking would get the questions out of my head. I'm not even sure if I care about the answers.

Thank you in advance for your responses.

[WrkNPrgress]

This thread makes me wonder why I don't ask my T a few personal questions, or make causal conversation with her at all for that matter. I think there's something about her approach that is very guarded, if that's the right word. I ask 'how are you' and she says, "fine." That's it. She doesn't offer forth much. I just assumed there are boundaries to be minded there.

However, in our first interview I think I mentioned my disillusionment with a former T who seemed to offer to much about her own issues in therapy. I didn't like that. Maybe My T is responding to that and keeping her side blank to allow room for me to guide the whole session. Our sessions have brought up the occasional mention of her daughter, in relation to what I'm experiencing with my Mom — and that's about it.

Your question intrigues me though. I might like to examine my own conversation skills, or lack thereof. Is this a dynamic I set up or did it happen that way by her design? I don't know. She might be forthcoming if I just asked. I've often thought about practicing some conversations with her because I'm so introverted. Eye Contact, listening, and conversation skills are things I'd like to improve upon. etc.

I've asked myself it it matters that she's married, divorced or what not. I think I project an image of 'single mom' onto her. That's my care-taking stuff. I might be a slight bit disillusioned if she were married or dating someone - but I'd get over it.

I don't need her to be someone I envision to learn what I need to learn from her.